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Iraq: Mission Accomplished

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“Under our watch millions of Iraqis died and a few of our troops were killed too. We caused a humanitarian disaster zone, destabilised the Middle East further, precipitated a global recession and radicalised millions of formerly peaceful Muslims. I’m proud to have been part of the murder, and I would like to thank my colleague in crime Dubya for such great teamwork,” Tony Blair said from the steps of the court.

Bush replied: “Yo Tony, it has been an honour knowing you, and I have very fond memories of our time together killing all those sand ni**ers. I tell ya, I was speaking with God last night and a strange thing happened to me, I started to smell sulphur. I said God, and he said ‘You’re gonna meet me down there one day son, I’m sharpening my pitchfork just for you George’ ‘holy shit!’ I said, I need to paint another picture…this Mission Accomplished stuff just gave me an idea for my next masterpiece.”

Iraqi Information Minister Re-employed by Maliki Government

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As the rebels slowly trundle towards Baghdad..beheading, a desperate Iraqi Prime Minister has decided to get Comical Ali back to show those pesky rats a thing or two.

“I had two choices, John Kerry or Comical Ali, I chose the latter because as we all know Kerry is a lame duck, much like our Iraqi army, ahem,” a visibly embarrassed Maliki said at a recent press conference.

Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf aka Comical Ali or Baghdad Bob, has told the ISIS rats that they will be “beaten with his shoe…..slowly”.

Turkey Surprise Waiting on Kirkuk Oil Reserves

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The Iraqi City of Kirkuk is the oil rich powerhouse currently held by the Kurds who are a further threat to Turkey.

“Get the Turkey on the table, we have a golden opportunity now to elevate our oil holdings by 10,000%. One thing Turkey does not have is oil, if we take Kirkuk, then we won’t just have kebabs, but we’ll have oil and kebabs. Now that’s an unbeatable combination right there,” Turkey’s oil Minister, Abdullah Akdeniz, told Turkish news.

Free For All

The Isis rebels also kidnapped eighty Turkish diplomats and staff on Wednesday, so this is further impetus for Turkey to act. The Turks were forbidden from taking Kirkuk during the second Gulf war by the U.S., but the time is now as this opportunity will not last for long. The bankrupt Americans are on a seemingly permanent vacation and are dithering whilst the spoils of their wars burn.

The Turkey is now firmly in the oven, and if it gets roasted too much, it may need some more oil over the top, like barrels of the stuff.

What Bush Took Obama Gave Away

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“It is with great generosity that Obama has given back Iraq to its people. We thank you. May Allah bless you Barack Hussein, you have taught that dog Bush a lesson. He was only fit for a shoe, you on the other hand are our brother. I send you a thousand blessings,” a radicalised Islamist from Luton, England now fighting in Tikrit told Iraqi news agencies.

The streets of Mosul and Tikrit were today filled with joyous chanting and bullet fire as Iraqis in the region celebrated with more beheadings.

Meanwhile in Mosul, fighters seized a bank looting  $429 million of cash, making them the richest Jihadis on earth.

“We’re thinking of sending a thank you letter to Washington. I’m so happy right now, I got some gold bars, my AK and road map to Baghdad,” a multi millionaire rebel said from his Mercedes.

South Americans Delight in Obama Amnesty

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The thousands pouring over the border every hour are being greeted with free housing, Obamaphones, and free health care thanks to Obama’s generosity.

“We got food for all y’all, anything you want. Go tell all your other poor friends, family, banditos anyone. You all can come here, it’s the land of dreams. You get a house, food, free health care, and safety,” a U.S. border guard told a group of 8,000 children streaming over the Arizona border.

Opening the borders of America means Obama has brought unity to the North and South American continent.

The president, who was attending a luncheon at the White House today praised the progress in his open border policy.

“I was on the phone to Zuckerberg and I said, we need to open the borders show some Obamalove. There is now no border in the United States. This is progress and will be good for America because we’re flooding the country with even more poor people. But, that’s okay because the U.S. taxpayer can pay for them all, as long as everyone’s paying their Obamacare taxes, we do not have a problem. You should all be happy about my love for everyone in South America and Mexico. You are all welcome. I love you all.”

Jesus Turns Up at Birmingham School Riding a Trojan Horse

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Birmingham primary school teachers and pupils were stunned this morning when Jesus rode through the school gates atop a Trojan horse.

“It was incredible. We were just conducting morning prayers on our mats when there was a loud sound like cracking thunder. Jesus was sitting on a wooden Trojan horse moving through the school gates powered by some kind of invisible force,” Ali Haq Abdullah, one of the school governors revealed.

The Birmingham Al Qaeda Academy, was praised by Education Secretary Michael Gove only last week when he visited the school to inspect the new mosque turrets built after receiving a government grant last year.

Daily Squib Hidden Cash Competition Update

 

We’re hiding a stash of hidden cash somewhere for a lucky winner to find.

We will give you a few clues so you can be sure to find that golden pot of cash.

Just think of the things you could do with all that money, buy an apartment in Kensington, take a once in a lifetime trip around the world, buy a mansion in Mustique or even squander it away on parties booze and drugs. The choice is yours, and yours alone.

The stash will be well hidden so you may need to do some detective work to find it.

Okay, here are the really, really easy golden clues.

– The big bag of money is somewhere very high up.

– You might need sherpas to help you on your journey.

– Lukla

– 27.9881° N, 86.9253° E

 

Good luck, you will need it.

London Cabbies Sing Uber Alles

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Fed up of being charged £50 to go a few yards in a London cab? Well the new app Uber has come to the rescue with millions of Londoners using its service to get better, cheaper transport, much to the chagrin of the bloated London cabbies raking in vast fortunes in their black cabs.

The London cabbie is a curious creature, they have a monopoly on making huge profits from anyone who gets in one of their public carriages and live the life of Riley, but not for long.

“That’ll be £89 mate,” a London cabbie told a tourist after making a journey from Leicester Square to Covent Garden.

As tube train drivers earn in excess of £60,000 per annum, so too will the overpaid London cabbies one day get their comeuppance for fleecing the public with their rip off scam.

Plans are already underfoot to replace underground trains with automated systems eradicating the cost of paying the drivers, which will no doubt reduce the insane ticket prices on the tube, the union strikes and the cost of pensions.

The future will be automated for London cabs too, as Google cars and their like take over, replaced by driverless cabs controlled by central control centres, reducing the costs for the end user.

Iraq Vichy Government on Tenuous Ground Says History

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Just like the Nazis installed the Vichy government in WW2 France, with the tenets of “Travail, famille, patrie” the Iraqis surrendered to the American conquistadors consorting with the de facto enemy.

History thus dictates that as Saigon fell, so will Baghdad be repatriated to its original owners.

Invading governments need to appreciate that unless they cleanse a whole nation completely after invasion, thousands of years of original rule cannot be erased in one instant. There will always be factions of the original status quo fighting to reclaim ownership of ‘their’ land.

Mosul has fallen, as has Falluja, slowly but surely the mass will gravitate towards Baghdad, and soon take that as well. If one needs a picture, imagine the evacuation of Saigon, with Hueys perched on top of tall buildings and desperate people scrambling up ladders to grab onto the landing gear as the choppers already fully laden lift off into air.

Obama’s Laissez Faire foreign policy is of course partly to blame, however, one must not discount the all too probable modus operandi at work where chaos can be made to work for certain factions within the global consortium.

Kabul, Cairo, Kiev, Baghdad, Tripoli, are all existing assets of the United States, but for how much longer?

World War III started a long time ago, but the general populace are only now starting to see little conflicts flaring up globally, eventually, the sleeping masses may wake up as all the little bursts of energy become one large burst.

Iraq: Obama May Get Second Nobel Peace Prize After Fall of Mosul

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President Obama is tipped to get his second Nobel Peace Prize for the fall of Mosul by Al-Qaeda fighters in Iraq, Henry Drawber, a Nobel Peace Prize judge, revealed today.

“Mosul, is Iraq’s second-largest city, home to one million people, and it was overrun by Al-Qaeda today. With Obama giving up half of Ukraine, and now Iraq, we definitely think he’s up for the peace prize. I’m going to smoke that fat joint Obama sent over from America, where he is the chief dealer now.”

Since president Obama’s inauguration, the world has seen less war, less economic hardship and more war within the fake resurgence in the global economy.

The president won his first Nobel Peace Prize because…