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Britons Awaiting Interest Rate Rises With Eager Anticipation

Arthur B. Sleigh
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Britons Awaiting Interest Rate Rises With Eager Anticipation

With credit cards stuffed up to the hilt; people mortgaged up to the eyeballs and salary growth at a minus percentage, Britons are eagerly waiting for interest rates to rise to 3% soon.

“I’m eager to see interest rate rises, because I have seven maxed out credit cards, a large mortgage and my job position has not seen a pay rise in five years. Almost overnight I will have to find an extra £3,800 per month, and will no doubt be seeing the bailiffs soon after. It’s that economic recovery innit?” Bill Noughty, a salesman from Essex told the Mirror.

Because of the amazing ‘economic recovery’ that only a few people in the UK saw, interest rate rises will ensure carnage in most homes which are already pushed beyond the limits of their finances.

Britain has one of the highest levels of consumer debt per capita in Europe and the recent property initiative called Help to Buy has ensured an artificial property boom keeps progressing to its unholy end.

“I have been borrowing and borrowing for the last few years on low interest rates. Banks and credit card companies were literally throwing money at me. When the interest rates suddenly rise I will not be able to pay anything back, but that’s okay, because I don’t have anything anyway and have spent it all. It’s good for the economy,” an unemployed man from Birmingham revealed.

England Fans Embracing Italian Culture by Eating Pizza

Arthur B. Sleigh
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England Fans Embracing Italian Culture by Eating Pizza

“Eh paisan, it just like mama cook, eh? I’ma gonna eata dis pizza every day to support Italia,” an England fan said grabbing his crotch and stuffing a few slices of pizza into his mouth.

The next Italy match is crucial to England’s World Cup survival therefore the plan is to be as Italian as possible and support the Italians at every point.

“I’m going to my local Italian restaurant every day until the matches start and learning to talk the lingo. Just had a big bowl of spag bol and started wearing a stylish suit,” England football fan, Jimmy Cutter, told the Sun.

Looks like it’s out with the egg and chips and in with the pasta alla Balotelli.

Why Doesn’t Tony Blair Send His Sons to Iraq Asks Soldier?

Arthur B. Sleigh
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Why Doesn’t Tony Blair Send His Sons to Iraq Asks Soldier?

An Iraq veteran asked a very important question to Tony Blair today after the ex PM revealed he wants Britain to send troops to Iraq again.

“Why don’t you send your sons and daughter to Iraq?” former tank Commander, Captain Mark Braithwaith, who served with the British armoured tank division, and lost both his legs, told the Army Times.

Tony Blair and other politicians were strangely quiet about that particular question.

Experts: Isis Could be Used to Defeat Iran

Arthur B. Sleigh
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Experts: Isis Could be Used to Defeat Iran

 

“The heavily financed and organised Isis brigades sweeping through Syria and Iraq are a perfect cover to establish the defeat of arch enemy Iran. Drawing the enemy out of their defensive hole by utilising a force you yourself overtly oppose yet covertly support is a perfect tool for creating conflict. This way, you need not put your troops in direct danger and can defeat or severely weaken your enemy.

“The Americans utilised Saddam Hussein to destabilise Iran during the Iraq-Iran war 1980-88. Now similar operations are being conducted on Iraq and Syria, eventually moving into Iran.

“The short term plan was to establish a Shia led government in Iraq aligned with Iran after the 2003 invasion, this in turn would create resentment by the Sunni populations.

“By utilising these techniques America can finally mop up afterwards. Any groups utilised for America’s gain are easily expendable, as was shown with Saddam Hussein, and Osama bin Laden, who were initially funded and trained by America during the late seventies and eighties. Once these stooges complete their tasks they are erased.

“The United States is currently wrestling a $60 trillion deficit, and urgency is needed to create further military opportunities for financial benefit.

“Urgent matters including disruption of oil supplies are also pressing factors, as the U.S. uses 85% of the world’s oil resources it cannot risk any stoppage for the sake of its faltering economy.

“Listen to Tony Blair when he says he wants military action, because what he says is part of the overall plan, it is just that he is jumping the gun a little with his unauthorised blabbing.

“President Obama, may have not been the brains in engineering any initial plans, but he is key to its operation. This is why he can calmly play golf, without a shred of stress about the position in the Gulf today.

“Everything is under control, do not worry about anything. That is unless you are one of the entities who has been marked for deletion by America.”

Obama Immigration Amnesty Seen in Movie Intro

Arthur B. Sleigh
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Obama Immigration Amnesty Seen in Movie Intro

Obama is flooding the U.S. borders with anyone who wants to come to the U.S.A including drug cartel members, gangs and assorted criminals.

Film fans have noticed a similarity with Obama’s immigration amnesty and a film from the eighties.

According to news reports, 35,000 people are crossing the U.S. border unhindered monthly, which equates to 420,000 people per annum, and these are just the documented arrivals. Over a five year period, 2,100,000 people will have crossed into the United States, coupled with breeding and births, the numbers are set to increase by 65% annually.

All of these people, mainly from central and south America, will consume large amounts of resources, benefits, food stamps and housing…but they will vote Democrat so that’s okay.

Phil Neville to Get Personality Implant Says BBC

Arthur B. Sleigh
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The monotone dronings of a footballer with no personality or vocal inflection can be conducive to sleep, but are not appropriate during a world cup football match especially when England are losing the match, says BBC spokesman, Bert Needles.

Phil Neville has thus agreed as part of his contract to undergo a pioneering brain implant operation in America funded by the BBC.

“Last week we had Hollywood ‘actor’ Kevin Costner in here, he has a personality of a brick, or plank of wood. The transformation was amazing, he can actually show emotion now. I heard this Neville guy’s voice whilst evaluating the case and I fell asleep after two minutes, he’s gonna be a hard one to deal with,” professor Raj Persaud, told BBC executives who are very worried about the situation.

The process will involve inserting specialist chips into the pre-frontal cortex which will in turn stimulate regions of the brain that enable personality.

Neville will have to undergo further training where he will watch football commentators from hot blooded nations like Spain, Italy and South American countries.

Ghost of Football Past: Germany Will Win World Cup

Arthur B. Sleigh
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Ghost of Football Past: Germany Will Win World Cup

There’s something about the Germans and their team that predicts a World Cup win.

“Hi, I’m the friendly ghost from football past. I just know that Germany will win the World Cup, that’s because I exist in all time and space therefore your future is like my yesterday. I also know this because of the German goal keeper and the efficient structure of the team. Kloser and Gotze, Muller and Neuer. It’s probably going to be a 1-0 match. Call me crazy, but this is what I see through my magic crystal football. As for England, well, it’s a good thing they have the plane’s engines still running on the tarmac.”

The ghost of football past then wistfully glides through the air disappearing back into the ether.

Well, here’s another obvious prediction, the sky will still be blue tomorrow and the pope will still be Catholic.

6 Great Hotels to Stay in Baghdad

Arthur B. Sleigh
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6 Great Hotels to Stay in Baghdad

 

Baghdad is a beautiful bustling city where street vendors trade semtex alongside groceries.

Dine by the Tigris river as you watch the bodies floating past or how about an excursion to the nearby cities of Mosul and Tikrit?

Flights are cheap, some seats even going for free. If it’s cut price holidays you like, you could save yourself a packet by staying at one of our recommended hotels below.

1) The Al-Baghdadi (5 Star)

Situated in the building of the former Iraqi parliament, the hotel has no decorations whatsoever, or beds in the rooms. There is no room service and the bell boy shoots hotel visitors in the knee caps on entry. The lift just goes down to the basement. Anyone who writes a bad review on TripAdvisor gets an instant beheading. Enjoy your stay.

2) The Al Qaeda (5 Star)

This bijoux boutique hotel will delight your senses in more ways than one. You will be regaled daily by someone in a mask shouting at you in Arabic through a megaphone at high volume. There are wonderful quiz competitions in the hotel bar every night where you will be quizzed about your knowledge of the Quran. If you get anything wrong, you will get a few bullets as a keepsake in your cranium.

3) The W (2 Star)

Cut price Baghdad stays for those pushed to spend those pennies don’t come cheaper than this place. Breakfast is usually served with a course of waterboarding conducted by CIA operatives, and a grapefruit stuffed in your eye. The restaurant has Freedom Fries as standard, in fact there’s nothing else on the menu.

4) The Bliar Boutique Hotel (1 Star)

Everything in this hotel is a lie. For example when you walk through the door, you may ask where the reception is. They will direct you to the fifth floor. It’s all part of the charm of course. Sunbeds in each room is a real bonus.

5) Hotel Bucca (4 Star)

An interesting stay in this prison, ahem, we mean hotel. You will be locked in your room for five days without food or water whilst having your genitals electrocuted as a special therapeutic massage type of thing, which is very big now in California. Once you pay your bill you will be locked away in another room indefinitely so bring a towel.

6) The Gusher Hotel (10 Star)

Everything in this amazing hotel is oil themed. In fact the hotel is built over a working oil field, and at night guests can see the oil spurts ejaculating into the sky in spectacular fashion. The staff are all dressed in Halliburton uniforms and the food is an exquisite blend of gourmet Americana and real crude oil served in a dirty oil barrel. This hotel is usually only frequented by very rich oil men and politicians so the price is prohibitive. Prostitutes are part of the inclusive service.

Man Glad He Never Invested in Iraqi Dinars

Arthur B. Sleigh
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Man Glad He Never Invested in Iraqi Dinars

You may have seen the websites all over the internet touting Iraqi Dinars as a sound investment. You may even have been tempted to have a look yourself, well, count your lucky stars you never believed the guff telling you to invest.

“I saw the adverts and I nearly went for it, but there was a little tinge of reality that hit me. There’s no way in hell anything good would come out of the Iraq invasion by Blair and Bush. I think there’s a military term for something like that…something like ‘clusterfuck’. Buy 1 million Dinars and become a multi millionaire in a few years, well that’s bull because Iraq is once again in a state of major war and terror with no end in sight. I thank my lucky stars every day I listened to logic and reason, unlike Blair and Bush who were blinded by greed, power and corruption,” the man said from his Florida home.

The Daily Telegraph Changes Name

Arthur B. Sleigh
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The Daily Telegraph Changes Name

Gone are the days of insightful articles about the EU, economy and global news, now the Daily Telegraph is more aligned with Hello magazine, cue the Daily Hellograph.

“After the ET-like character came in when Sir Gallahad was sacked, either half the staff were fired, or left. Now we just have stories about feminist relationship problems or handbags. You may find the odd bit of actual news otherwise one is told to write useless articles about twitter posts or a YouTube video that surpassed 100,000 views,” deputy editor Gnat West revealed before being fired.

There have been some news stories relating to Europe, and they are obvious EU propaganda pieces extolling the virtues of the soviofascist entity. Any articles that are obvious government or EU fluff pieces are bolstered by not having a comments section enabled.

“Whoever this American envoy is he’s made the Daily Telegraph into a bastardised banal celebrity newspaper languishing in the mankini of some TOWIE piece of spornohomo detritus. Please, we want the Daily Telegraph back, I mean the Grauniad is now more relevant and includes actual news stories. Does the Daily Hellograph have anyone there with any balls left?” a disgruntled ex-Telegraph reader said on a message board far, far away from said paper.

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