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Man Arrested For Making Monkey Sounds

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A man was arrested for making monkey sounds in broad daylight yesterday in Manchester.

Troops of policemen were called out to the area, where the man was promptly arrested and put into a police van and taken to court for immediate sentencing.

Making monkey sounds or acting like an ape is now completely illegal in politically correct Western nations, and if anyone is seen imitating a monkey, they can receive thirty to forty years in jail.

“If anyone is seen imitating a monkey in public, either by making ‘ooh,ooh’ noises, or crawling around, or eating a banana in public, they will be arrested without question,” Chief Inspector Mandrill Proboscis told the BBC.

Monkey FAQ

What about imitating tigers, dogs or cats?

It is permissible to imitate any other animals apart from monkeys according to the Bogets 2019 Political Correctness handbook.

 Why are monkeys not allowed to be impersonated?

According to this year’s PC rules, monkeys are not allowed to be impersonated in public, for unknown PC reasons which no one can mention in public, and we cannot publish here.

What if someone impersonates a monkey at home with no one around?

This should generally be okay, however you could still be reported to the authorities if you own an Alexa or Google device which is always listening in to everything that is said at home, and relayed to the companies and intelligence services 24/7.

What about Liam Gallagher and Ian Brown?

They can get away with it because dolphins were monkeys.

Can a monkey impersonate a human?

Yes, according to PC rules, that is currently allowed.

Are monkeys the same as apes?

Apes do not have tails, while most monkey species do. Apes tend to be larger than monkeys and usually have larger brains. … Ape species include gorillas, chimpanzees, orangutans, gibbons, and bonobos. In evolutionary and genetic terms, ape species are much closer to humans than monkeys are.

Can I watch Planet of the Apes?

The Planet of the Apes films are terribly un-PC and should not be watched as they show human actors impersonating pseudo-apes. The films will be banned soon by the PC mob.

Can I see real monkeys in a zoo or the wild?

As of 2019 PC-rules you can go to a zoo and view real apes and monkeys, or travel to a part of the world where they exist in the wild.

What about the Japanese 1980s show Monkey?

Best not to watch that show, because it is deemed un-PC by today’s rules.

Did humans evolve from apes and monkeys?

According to Charles Darwin and the theory of evolution, humans evolved from primates to the hominid, Homo Sapiens, that is true.

Am I allowed to practice Monkey style Kung-Fu?

Only in China.

If humans evolved from monkeys and apes, what is wrong with impersonating them?

Due to PC-rules, we cannot divulge that information at this time. Thank you.

Palace Officials: “Meghan Going Crazy Whilst Out of Limelight”

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Having vowed to take a six week holiday off media attention by royal couple, Harry and Meghan; scurrilous rumours from the palace filtering through the grapevine reveal Meghan Markle is going doo-lally without the constant media attention.

“Meghan is practically climbing the walls of Frogmore as the lack of attention to her immense ego, and narcissism is taking a toll. She now rearranges the furniture hourly, and her 17 personal assistants are at their wits end. She walks around the cottage in $500,000 dresses replete with diamond jewellery pretending she is back in South Africa in front of doting groups of poor black children,” a courtier has revealed.

The implanted duchess is also rumoured to have gone into a sharpie affirmation frenzy, by writing affirmations like “I am a great person”, “I am the best!” all over the furniture and walls. The staff can only stand by and watch.

There is also the retail therapy, when Meghan is especially depressed at her position, she goes on to the designer websites ordering up new $200,000 dresses. If Harry protests, she shouts and throws things around the cottage until the poor boy retreats.

One can only feel sorry for poor old Harry, he now sits in a darkened room away from his insane wife simply staring at the ceiling. He has his meals delivered to the room by his concerned butler, but there is nothing anyone can do.

“I receive texts from Meghan at three in the morning telling me to set up a fake conference for mental health at the UN, with cardboard cutouts, and projectors. She will then prepare a speech, and perform it in front of the cardboard audience to applause from a CD player. We then all have to go into the living room and pretend we are sitting in a private jet gifted from Elton John, or George Clooney.”

Despite despising the press with a vehemence, the royal couple miss the attention so much they have hired extra staff to pretend they are paparazzi with fake cameras and flashes.

“Meghan has hired 25 extra staff to pretend to be photographers, so she feels like she is in the limelight again. They were told to ambush the couple anywhere in the cottage, even giving them carte blanche to pretend to photograph them on the toilet or in the bath.”

Luckily for new born, Archie, he is looked after by a staff of six or seven maids at any time, so is well cared for whilst his mother frolics around the house ensconced in some sort of deranged narcissistic celebrity fantasy.

Leaked NHS Documents From Russia Being Peddled by Agent Cob Comrade Corbyn

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The former 1980s Soviet agent, Agent Cob, who gave away British secrets to Russia, is once again working for his bosses in the Kremlin by trying to pass hacked and doctored ‘NHS’ documents from Russian hackers to damage Britain’s standing in the world.

Agent Cob, also known as Comrade Corbyn, who is now the leader of the Labour party is seeking election by peddling classified government documents which originated in Russia, which were posted on the Reddit site by a Russian hacking group called “Secondary Infektion” in late October.

Agent Cob Moscow
Agent Cob exiting the KGB office in Moscow, 1980s

Secondary Infektion used fabricated or altered documents to try to spread false narratives online, and stemmed from a network of social media accounts that Facebook said “originated in Russia”.

The Russian documents were last week distributed by Agent Cob at a press conference in central London, during which he claimed they provided evidence that Boris Johnson was preparing to put the NHS on the table.

Labour has refused to say whether they obtained the documents from Reddit or directly from the Kremlin.

In a statement last night, Reddit said the accounts appeared to show a “pattern of co-ordination” that suggested it was part of a group known as “Secondary Infektion”.

agent cob soviet spy proof
Czech document revealing Jeremy Corbyn as a Soviet spy contact

Agent Cob flatly denied he was working directly with the Russian government to interfere with the British elections on Friday at an impromptu press conference in London.

“Comrades, Bolshevik warriors, workers of the Red Labour party, our Russian brothers who seek to meddle with the upcoming election in Britain have told me through my reliable channels that it is not their hacking assistance that gave me the NHS documents but instead it was a direct communication via the FSB (formerly the KGB) I received whilst in my Islington dacha in October. My dear Russian comrades are only doing their jobs, as I am doing mine to spread as much fake news and misinformation as possible to affect the election. When I was a full time Soviet agent in the 1980s, I would regularly meet with my Czech handler and hand over vital British secrets to the Kremlin. Nothing really has changed since those wonderful days, and I am still a ‘useful idiot’ stooge to my Kremlin masters, however I also hold allegiance to Hezbollah, Hamas, and the IRA, so I am an equal opportunities traitor to Britain. I know you will vote for me, because you are brainwashed dumbed down socialists who also detest Britain deep down. Thank you for your vote, and let us together destroy Britain from the inside out with the help of our Russian comrades.”

To great applause from the audience who went to see Agent Cob deliver his speech, there seemed to be great support for the treachery and treason that Comrade Corbyn commits day in day out without any form of justice against his nefarious clandestine anti-British practices.

The despicable people who vote for Agent Cob and his mob of communists in the Labour party are effectively committing treason, and anti-Semitic sentiment that would make even Goebbels blush.

“Yes, I am an anti-Semite, I admit it fully. I detest all Jews with a profound hatred, because they dared to claim some land for themselves. Something which every nation and people in the world have attempted, but because they are Jews, they do not have a right to conquer land, only others do, but not Jews. It is in my capacity as Labour leader to therefore commit a pogrom against the awful Jews once I become Prime Minister of Soviet Britain. Are there any Jews in this audience? (one man puts his hand up) Security! Remove the Jew rat from here. We do not want such filthy creatures in our audience,” Comrade Corbyn, added to even greater cheers from his doting audience.

Microphones These Days Are Way Too Powerful

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You can pick up the sound of a pin drop from across a crowded room, or even a subtle fart let out in a football crowd. Are microphones getting too powerful these days?

This is the question, maybe Donald Trump, is asking as it turns out the people who were smiling at his face earlier on in the day were actually laughing behind his back at the NATO summit by the evening.

One thing that the Teflon Don does best is to weather the bad words said against his good person very well, it’s like water off a duck’s back, quack, quack!

“That Justin Trudeau is a two faced blacked up son of a bitch. Canada’s gonna pay up the 2% if I have to lift that guy up by his feet and give him a good shakin'” Trump murmured after seeing the footage.

Trump may be a laughingstock but at least he’s trying to do something about something, whilst the others simply dither and whimper behind their curtains.

BBC-Approved Socialist ‘Comedian’ Kumar Literally Dies On Stage

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In a land where structured BBC PC template comedy only now extends to anti-Brexit, anti-Tory, anti-patriarchy rants by socialist approved BBC comedians, it was rather refreshing to see the insipid fat-headed socialist darling, Nish Kumar, another token Indian comedian, having bread rolls and assorted cutlery thrown at his bulbous stinking head during another one of his anti-Brexit rants at a venue in London.

There are alternative comedians out there, however if they show even an inkling of approving of Brexit, or any thought other than is accepted in PC BBC socialist manuals, they are immediately removed from any circuit.

The BBC has invariably sanitised and defiled satire to a level that is so insipid and lame, it could easily be dripped into the sewer it belongs in, and never seen again, it is that forgetful. Every day on the BBC, we see the same approved uncreative so-called ‘comedians’ ranting about the same thing, one after another, in some unholy chorus, an echo chamber of Islingtonian socialist morals, who all sip their Prosecco, and shop at Waitrose whilst virtue signalling to great choruses of approval from the biased robotic NPC BBC audience bots.

The canned laughter of the BBC today, is a far-flung distance away from the days of Python, Cook, Morris or the freedom of comedic expression of the seventies, eighties and nineties.

One day, maybe there will be true self-expression in comedy, where comedians and satirists will be able to truly express themselves on mainstream TV, but somehow this dream is a mirage, a mere blip on a cloud in some distant galaxy, until then, be force fed to sup on the putrid mediocre Daily Mush, and the usual shite, the simpering self-aggrandizing, back slapping champagne socialist Toksvigs, the militant Marxist Thomas’, and the hairy bull dyke Brands ready with BBC-approved pots of battery acid to throw into unsuspecting politician faces.

Tis a shame that there can only be one model for the BBC, their world view so limited that it makes those who know the full depth and frequency of life and comedy switch off completely. Turn it off, cancel the TV licence, and many thousands of people daily are doing that, cancelling their BBC tax, because to pay the salaries of these suppurating moronic parasitic cunts on that channel would be a true affront to any real satire, any real discourse, any real comedy. These people deserve nothing, because they are not doing it from the heart, they are not real, they are mere robots being controlled by their controller Marxist masters in the BBC control room and their BBC tax salaries.

What’s Preventing Cryptocurrency From Going Mainstream?

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The chances are that even if you have absolutely no interest in business or money beyond spending it, you’ve heard of cryptocurrency. Cryptocurrency, for the uninitiated, is digital money. Rather than relying on physical or fiat cash, traders are now able to exchange bits of code for goods and services. Investors simply need to set up a digital wallet and head to an online exchange to start putting their own cash into bitcoin, Ethereum or otherwise.

Even if you’re not really up on your business or tech jargon, this probably all sounds fairly simple. That’s because, dear reader, it is. Crypto is easy to get into, and trading is instantaneous. There are also next to no fees involved when you pay online. This is appealing to businesses that want to start reaching out to customers on a global basis. Even certain bankers are saying that we’re heading towards a global digital currency. Whether or not this means that bitcoin is going to edge the pound out is another factor.

However, trends suggest that while crypto has never been more popular with the average investor in the UK, businesses still aren’t taking the bait. There’s still talk of bitcoin, for example, being on the edge of going mainstream. Millions of people trade in the money online – so why isn’t it seen as a big enough thing yet?

Big risks and small prizes

If you’ve read any of the media spin on crypto in recent years – bitcoin especially – then crypto2you’ll notice that there’s a pattern. To this day, bankers and big businesses seem to be scared of crypto. There are a few good reasons for this, especially when you look at the bigger picture.

Crypto is volatile. Recent news, and any headlines you can search for, show that it’s unpredictable. It spikes highly, and then drops down low again. It also does this regularly. Bitcoin came to the edge of a bubble in 2018 yet seems to have come through the other side. People are still more than willing to trade in the money, meaning that there can’t be too many risks.

However, the currency still isn’t mainstream here because there are a few big players yet to clarify their positions. HM Revenue & Customs has a policy of crypto profits and assets. There is also a vague position in law. However, the central banks and financiers are not keen to suggest that bitcoin, in particular, is on the same level as the pound. That’s because of a lack of centralisation.

Will Libra change everything?

Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg has spent the past 12 months slowly regaining ground after a Facebook-Libratumultuous 2018 by trying to push Project Libra. Project Libra is Facebook’s landmark digital currency. Zuckerberg has clear designs on the project offering up a global currency, one that can be used by everyone, everywhere. Many hope that this will move crypto into the mainstream.

However, seasoned investors have their doubts. That’s because Libra isn’t like other crypto. Unlike bitcoin or Ethereum, it will have central oversight. Crypto, on the whole, is decentralised, which means that there are no middle managers keeping an eye on things. Libra will work on a centralised basis to some degree, which some crypto purists are claiming defeats the whole object of digital money in the first place.

Libra, however, could introduce new audiences to crypto, especially in the UK. Facebook’s core audience now consists of 30-somethings and older. This is a market that may not have come across traditional crypto on their own. Therefore, the first taste that many people could get of digital money will be through Libra. Ask a few crypto investors and you might get a frightened response.

What now?

The reasons for crypto not ‘going mainstream’ are pretty obvious. It’s still an unknown entity. While the benefits are clear, and proven, big businesses and financiers aren’t sure whether or not society can depend on such a volatile asset. That’s understandable. However, with trends showing that more and more of us are getting into the crypto game, it’s making less sense for businesses to hold out.

Until British people educate themselves more on crypto, it’s going to be a fringe benefit. Experts, and trends, suggest that it’s going to explode into the mainstream in just a few years. Can smaller businesses really wait that long? Mainstream or not, crypto is pretty important, and it’s time more of us started sitting up and paying attention to its benefits. For now, you can fumble with the fiat money in your pocket – but you might be dabbling in digital coppers in the future.

Sports Betting is More Popular Than You Think – Here’s Why

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These days, you can find hundreds of different online bookies on the web, with each making their own astounding offers and promises. Whether it is by removing the limits, placing limits, or advertising ridiculous bonuses that seem too good to be true, only because they usually are. But this game, which is rapidly becoming a sport, and a brutal one at that, has seen exponential growth, as it is growing in popularity. Though it remains a mystery as to how it happened, conclusive evidence shows that the ongoing growth this market has been fortunate enough to savour is due to its convenience and a number of other things. So let us look into the nooks and crannies of this some $150 billion industry and show you why it is more popular than you may think.

The Types of Sport

You can bet on almost any sport with online bookies. From horse racing, tennis, American football, to rugby. Really, you can bet on anything in the world, with soccer being on the forefront, as it is the most popular. In markets around the Asia-Pacific region, soccer is becoming more and more popular, even in countries such as Indonesia. According to sbobet mobile specialists, Indonesia has become one of the countries whose majority of residents love soccer. So much that they offered a 50% direct deposit bonus for new members when the 2018 World Cup was held in Russia, which makes a good reason why people are being compelled to give the sports betting game a shot.

How Popular Sports Betting Is?

The answer is very popular. It is rare to find what may seem like an underground run industry to be that large and magnanimous in stature. With its growth, comes the growth of its popularity. According to a survey conducted in the United States, over 50% of the population admitted to having placed a bet at least once in their lives. Asia-Pacific, which is the biggest sports betting market, are estimated to be responsible for 47% of the entire world’s sports wagers. This does not come as a surprise seeing that they boast a population that is worth 4 billion.

Why Is It Becoming Increasingly Popular?

Accounting for the majority of online sports books is the type of sports book called Post-up sports books. They actually require that their players deposit money before they can bet. Post-up sports books have it that you are not over your head in debts, encouraging people to go on without having much to lose, apart from your current wager.

An aspect of the betting world, especially with sports betting that has had many people fantasize about all the millions they can potentially make, are the bonuses. With some offering a VIP reward system, the bonus system can sometimes go up to 200%-300%. With today’s many mediums and modes, you have better confidence that you will be paid, encouraging you to place a bet.

The reason its popularity increased, especially in recent years, is mainly because of the increased wealth and the expansion of digital connectivity. Technology, with all of its advancements, has encouraged a lot of people to jump into the world of wagers. Internet connectivity has aided this quest in many ways, allowing users to get the latest news and information on sports, making for all the more reasons why a non-bettor should get on that train.

Though most of the US bettors are operating from offshore servers, due to laws against them, the US has seen great growth in the number of people having betted at least once before. With the confidence of getting paid to be an aspect, another reason is simply sheer convenience. Now, all you need to do is switch on your device, type your username and password and go straight ahead to place a bet. You have cut out the previous inconvenience of having to deal with either a middleman or a local bookie who you will have to go to.

With its convenience, confidence, and accessibility, the gambling industry has seen great substantial growth. While only a mere 3% of the betting industry is legal, people still continue to use mobile betting apps, enabling the thought-provoking idea of ‘will they ever legalize the whole industry’. It rakes in large sums of money, which, when regulated, will prove to be very profitable. Bringing in billions upon billions, and consistently winning over the confidence of current and new users, the popularity of this industry is expected to keep on growing.

Prince Andrew Bottled Sweat Being Sold Auction Site

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It doesn’t get nastier than this, some enterprising entrepreneurs are now selling bottles claiming to be the sweat of Prince Andrew on auction sites across the globe.

In China, you can buy a one litre bottle for $350 each, but the question is, what on earth do people do with the stuff?

Labelled as the sweat from Prince Andrew’s armpits and butt crack, the sweat bottles are falling off the shelf, as many Asian men consider it an attractant to women as well as an aphrodisiac. Virginia Roberts, the concubine Andrew allegedly slept with, recalled how the prince sweated profusely all over whilst he was dancing in a night club.

Lee Hung Lo, from Beijing, claims the prince’s sweat is like pure jet fuel.

“I tooka one drop and Beijing girrs awr ovah me! It rike I wenta claaazy!!”

Unfortunately, Mr Lo was arrested shortly after and will be charged for sexual assault on multiple women.

Eau de Andrew – The Scent of Extortion

One vendor claims the princely sweat was collected off the floor of Tramp nightclub on the night the prince allegedly did not have a leg over session with one of Epstein’s concubines.

“This stuff frying off shelf rike nothing ah sold befo!” another happy vendor claimed in an email.

Having had a sample of the bottle’s contents analysed at a Swiss laboratory, they were found to contain the sweat of a pig. One suppose’s there’s not much difference, but stay away from the bottles of prince Andrew sweat folks, it just ain’t worth it.

How You Can Donate Money To Someone Overseas Who Desperately Needs It

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Electronically sending money overseas is done more regularly today than it has been before. That’s because there are more reasons than ever to do so, and electronic transfers cut out a lot of unnecessary waiting times. Writing a check or paying for a money order to send overseas is usually not needed for the most part because the ways you can transfer money electronically can reach both regular bank accounts as well as those who don’t have one. And in many cases, your money can be received within a few days or even within minutes. So what do you need to know about sending money electronically?

Understand The Exact Reasons The Person Needs The Money

Why you’re sending the money makes all the difference in how you do it. Are you trying to help a family member who may be involved in an emergency where their savings are depleted and they need money right away? Are you trying to support someone you know in an effort to start a business who needs startup funding? Maybe you’re paying bills for yourself or on behalf of someone else and need to send money to the creditor. All of these are important factors that can affect the way you send money.

Sending Money Electronically Through An E-Check

If you want to send money to someone electronically but don’t want to have a check sent in the mail, an e-check is one way to do it. You simply use an e-check service which can send a PDF file of the check to the recipient’s email instantly. When they receive the e-check, they could print it out to deposit in a bank or mobile deposit it. There could be a few problems with this if your recipient doesn’t have a bank account and wants to cash the check, or if they need it in a different currency than what the check was sent in. But it still may be one way to send checks without the need to wait.

Sending Money Directly From One Bank Account To Another

In some cases, you can send money that’s in your bank account without even needing to write a paper or e-check at all. Some banks allow you to send funds to an external bank account by using the specific account number as well as the external bank’s routing number. Not all of them do transfers from a domestic bank to a foreign bank though unless you do an international wire transfer. An international wire transfer can happen instantly, and it allows for foreign exchange. But it has extremely high fees and should only be used for very large transfers.

Sending Money Through A Third Party Transfer Agency

Sometimes you need a little more flexibility in how you send money electronically, such as wanting more payment options to do it with or allowing it to be picked up in cash. You can send money online abroad through a third party transfer agency where you can use an app or go to an agent location in person to send money. The benefits to using a third party transfer agency include the following:

1. Your choice of using bank accounts, debit cards including prepaid ones, credit cards or         cash to send money

2. Exchange rates are listed upfront and can come with lower fees than regular transfer         services

3. A tracking number can be used to verify your funds have been received or to cancel           the transfer

Sending Money Through A Peer-to-peer Transfer App

There are other kinds of apps known as peer-to-peer payment apps you can setup an account, add funds to it by linking a bank account, and also pay for things or send money using a debit or credit card. There are benefits to using this kind of app such as eliminating even more fees, and transferring funds instantly by simply entering the recipient’s username. The only downside to this way of sending money is that some p2p apps are geographically restricted, and your recipient may not be able to withdraw funds from their account without having a bank account or prepaid debit card.

It’s very simple to send money abroad in theory, but you need to check with your recipient before doing so to make sure they’re able to receive it the way you want to send. Also keep in mind that some transfer services have limits on how much you can send as do some countries based on financial laws.

Comrade Corbyn Entices Proles With Lucrative Bribes

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Speaking from his humble dacha in Islington, North London, a few yards away from a Waitrose, Comrade Corbyn spoke emphatically about his Bolshevik vision of Soviet Britain where the proletariat will triumph over the bourgeoisie scum.

“Soviet British comrades, workers of the Red British Railways, Commissars of the Red Labour party, soldiers of the British Red Army, I commend you for your allegiance to the Great Soviet British State, it is your service to the Soviet Labour Party that matters most, as we vanquish the horrors of the capitalist thugs and their Black Friday Deals of excess.

“Under the Soviet Labour Party, all private property ownership by any individual or company will become illegal. All previously private British companies will be nationalised, and all media will be governed by the Soviet State’s Ministry of Truth.

“When I was a spy for the Soviet Union in the 1980s, I learned many things about the evil of capitalism. As the revered Agent Cob, I would send messages to my Czech handler, who would then send my information straight to Moscow. I was instrumental in undermining the government of Margaret Thatcher, and even revealed state secrets about what colour underwear she would wear to parliament every day. Capitalism is purely evil, because it is concerned with earning profit, and money. Under my Soviet system, workers will only earn enough to buy simple rations but not heat their homes, heating is an evil that must be quashed, because it is not Soviet to be warm and toasty and adds to climate change, as told by Commissar Thunberg.

“In the first year of my 20-year-plan, workers in Soviet Britain will build new roads, new Soviet housing concrete blocks, new mausoleums, new Soviet squares, and they will be rewarded with 10 grams extra chocolate rations. This is my plan, comrades, and we will achieve it. Along with your cabbage soup and cabbage goulash, and cabbage ice cream, you will enjoy more cabbage to eat than even in Venezuela. How about that for a Soviet socialist achievement?

“I am so happy to see the Marxist programming in British universities, where capitalism and democracy are decried daily by our expert brainwashers working as tutors. We are now at an abyss, standing looking out towards a future of misery, poverty and socialism for every individual in Britain on December 12. Our Soviet socialist dream, much like Venezuela, is equality in destitution, Britain will become one massive food bank for the masses, but if you are in the party hierarchy, luckily this will not apply to us.

“Until the fateful day of my ascendancy to the Supreme Soviet leader of Britain, I bid you vigilance comrades, we will beat the evil of democracy, private property ownership, aspiration and capitalism together!”