Having vowed to take a six week holiday off media attention by royal couple, Harry and Meghan; scurrilous rumours from the palace filtering through the grapevine reveal Meghan Markle is going doo-lally without the constant media attention.

“Meghan is practically climbing the walls of Frogmore as the lack of attention to her immense ego, and narcissism is taking a toll. She now rearranges the furniture hourly, and her 17 personal assistants are at their wits end. She walks around the cottage in $500,000 dresses replete with diamond jewellery pretending she is back in South Africa in front of doting groups of poor black children,” a courtier has revealed.

The implanted duchess is also rumoured to have gone into a sharpie affirmation frenzy, by writing affirmations like “I am a great person”, “I am the best!” all over the furniture and walls. The staff can only stand by and watch.

There is also the retail therapy, when Meghan is especially depressed at her position, she goes on to the designer websites ordering up new $200,000 dresses. If Harry protests, she shouts and throws things around the cottage until the poor boy retreats.

One can only feel sorry for poor old Harry, he now sits in a darkened room away from his insane wife simply staring at the ceiling. He has his meals delivered to the room by his concerned butler, but there is nothing anyone can do.

“I receive texts from Meghan at three in the morning telling me to set up a fake conference for mental health at the UN, with cardboard cutouts, and projectors. She will then prepare a speech, and perform it in front of the cardboard audience to applause from a CD player. We then all have to go into the living room and pretend we are sitting in a private jet gifted from Elton John, or George Clooney.”

Despite despising the press with a vehemence, the royal couple miss the attention so much they have hired extra staff to pretend they are paparazzi with fake cameras and flashes.

“Meghan has hired 25 extra staff to pretend to be photographers, so she feels like she is in the limelight again. They were told to ambush the couple anywhere in the cottage, even giving them carte blanche to pretend to photograph them on the toilet or in the bath.”

Luckily for new born, Archie, he is looked after by a staff of six or seven maids at any time, so is well cared for whilst his mother frolics around the house ensconced in some sort of deranged narcissistic celebrity fantasy.