Speaking from his humble dacha in Islington, North London, a few yards away from a Waitrose, Comrade Corbyn spoke emphatically about his Bolshevik vision of Soviet Britain where the proletariat will triumph over the bourgeoisie scum.
“Soviet British comrades, workers of the Red British Railways, Commissars of the Red Labour party, soldiers of the British Red Army, I commend you for your allegiance to the Great Soviet British State, it is your service to the Soviet Labour Party that matters most, as we vanquish the horrors of the capitalist thugs and their Black Friday Deals of excess.
“Under the Soviet Labour Party, all private property ownership by any individual or company will become illegal. All previously private British companies will be nationalised, and all media will be governed by the Soviet State’s Ministry of Truth.
“When I was a spy for the Soviet Union in the 1980s, I learned many things about the evil of capitalism. As the revered Agent Cob, I would send messages to my Czech handler, who would then send my information straight to Moscow. I was instrumental in undermining the government of Margaret Thatcher, and even revealed state secrets about what colour underwear she would wear to parliament every day. Capitalism is purely evil, because it is concerned with earning profit, and money. Under my Soviet system, workers will only earn enough to buy simple rations but not heat their homes, heating is an evil that must be quashed, because it is not Soviet to be warm and toasty and adds to climate change, as told by Commissar Thunberg.
“In the first year of my 20-year-plan, workers in Soviet Britain will build new roads, new Soviet housing concrete blocks, new mausoleums, new Soviet squares, and they will be rewarded with 10 grams extra chocolate rations. This is my plan, comrades, and we will achieve it. Along with your cabbage soup and cabbage goulash, and cabbage ice cream, you will enjoy more cabbage to eat than even in Venezuela. How about that for a Soviet socialist achievement?
“I am so happy to see the Marxist programming in British universities, where capitalism and democracy are decried daily by our expert brainwashers working as tutors. We are now at an abyss, standing looking out towards a future of misery, poverty and socialism for every individual in Britain on December 12. Our Soviet socialist dream, much like Venezuela, is equality in destitution, Britain will become one massive food bank for the masses, but if you are in the party hierarchy, luckily this will not apply to us.
“Until the fateful day of my ascendancy to the Supreme Soviet leader of Britain, I bid you vigilance comrades, we will beat the evil of democracy, private property ownership, aspiration and capitalism together!”