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#metoo: Now the Soviets are Coming For the Legacy Rock Bands and Groupies

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#metoo: Now the Soviets are Coming For the Legacy Rock Bands and Groupies

It had to happen sooner or later, in the next phase of the horrendous soviet #metoo movement — rock stars would be targeted.

Legacy rock bands like Led Zeppelin were pretty much untouchable, that is until the #metoo monster reared its ugly head from beneath the soiled sheets of rock star excess.

Some #metoo snivelling male shill has gone and written a book with unsubstantiated rock’n’roll rumours from over 50 years ago, that may or may not have happened — allegedly. We will not even mention this fungal wart lodged firmly in the arse crack of humanity because to do so might somehow promote their obscene puritan yellow stained book.

How far back do these #metoo lunatics want to go? How about the Spanish Inquisition or the pillaging Viking raids on the coasts of Britain 1000 years ago? What do these hysterical flapping women want from men and history. Yes, the history of men and women is indeed messy, but why dreg it up? This reverse witch hunt is truly ridiculous and completely useless.

Fucking rock star hotel rooms after a gig were smoke-filled Dionysian orgies, no one even saw a face or knew a name, the groupies would all fight over each other to fellate the band, or plonk their bottoms on some rock star’s straining phallus for the hundredth time that night. Amongst the farm yard animals, dead fish, Mars bars and lines of coke, televisions were thrown out of closed hotel windows, groupies were chained to plumbing pipes and some damn great rock songs were written, inspired by these exquisitely Bacchanalian tour jaunts that lasted for years at a time.

Do what thou wilt, and they did, including Ozzy sniffing ants, Motley Crue lining up girls like pinballs, Bowie being served up another willing participant amongst the thousands before, and Jimmy Page receiving exactly what he signed that contract with the horned one in the first place to bloody receive.

Groupies came thick and fast, from Cynthia Plastercaster who made plaster casts of rock star cocks as a form of art, including Jimi Hendrix. Groupies like Nancy Spungen, Bebe Buell, Pamela Des Barres and all the other girls fighting for the ultimate prize after every gig were the juice that rock’n’roll ran on, apart from the booze and drugs that is.

There Was No Christmas Party at Number 10, Just a Tory Party

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There Was No Christmas Party at Number 10, Just a Tory Party

What’s all this talk about a bloody Christmas party at Number 10 last year when everyone was ordered to be locked down sitting alone in freezing cold rooms watching awful re-runs on telly, munching on cold morsels of fucking turkey?

There was certainly no Christmas party at the Number 10 flat, no, it was just a Tory party.

Wine and cheese? Nonsense, there was nothing of the sort, the Tory party gathering consisted of socially distanced members of the Tory party sitting around a room on chairs five feet apart, and all members wore masks over their faces.

The Tory party who attended the Tory party in Number 10 all had fond memories of the Tory party last Christmas.

“I was wearing my gimp latex suit when I arrived fashionably three hours late, and was greeted at the door by Carrie and her friends. Boris was in the corner guffawing whilst stuffing copious amounts of cheese and crackers into his mouth, intermittently taking large glugs from a champagne bottle of sorts. Boris was half naked and had his usual nipple clamps on.

“The Tory party, or should I say orgy was in full swing, and I say even Profumo would have gawped. Reclining on the chaise longue was Gove sniffing a certain substance before jumping up to perform a sickly spasticated dad dance that should frankly have been videoed for mass internet viral distribution.

“As for Sajid, all I saw was his shiny, sweaty bald head bobbing up and down behind the sofa. The groans emanating from behind the sofa were mixed with obvious pleasure and pain, as one knows, a delightful mix.

“This adorable Bacchanalian display reminiscent of one of Caligula’s milder Roman orgies was compounded by the wallpaper of the flat, which under my state of inebriation seemed to be somewhat animated, such was its distasteful colour. Who on earth could have chosen such a monstrosity and not paid a penny for it?

“Priti was last in. She was in her usual dominatrix outfit and started to whip Sunak’s bare arse cheeks with vigour, leaving large angry welts. She kept calling him a dirty immigrant, much to his yelping delight.

“At one point, there was a brief pause as Shapps rushed across the crowded room, jumping over all the writhing bodies. It was too late. He projectile vomited over Carrie’s wallpaper and dog. There was not too much difference, I remarked in my head, before curling up in a ball on the floor in the foetal position.”

When Satire Predicts the Future

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When Satire Predicts the Future

It is strange how sometimes satire written many years ago somehow becomes a reality.

The Daily Squib wrote a satirical article in 2015 imagining portable Abort Pods being available to any human who simply wanted to euthanise themselves. The iAbortPod app would direct them to the right place, where they would even choose their own music as they expire. This painless operation would also recycle the bodies efficiently.

Fast-forward to 2021, and a Swiss company has come up with a portable abort pod or ‘suicide capsule’ that pretty much does the same thing we wrote about in 2015. The person who wishes to terminate themselves is directed via an app to a place where the suicide capsule is located. They are then terminated. The Sarco Suicide Pod by Swiss company https://www.exitinternational.net/ is expected to be operational in 2022 and has passed legal review in Switzerland.

Thank you for reading the Daily Squib, where satire sometimes becomes reality in the future.

British Robotics Company Engineered Arts are Global Pioneers

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British Robotics Company Engineered Arts are Global Pioneers

Created by Will Jackon, Engineered Arts is the UK’s leading designer and manufacturer of humanoid entertainment robots, is how they describe themselves. However, there is certainly something deeper to their existence as a robotics ‘entertainment’ company.

Where robotics companies like Hanson Robotics and Boston Dynamics are actively trying to create robots that will eventually be mass-produced as helpers for humans, Engineered Arts is actually succeeding in what the other companies are desperately trying to achieve — realism in movement and aesthetics.

Where Sophia of Hanson Robotics is awkward to watch with stunted facial movements and absolutely horrendous jerky motility, the robotics engineers at Engineered Arts have truly captured the intricate muscle movements that denote facial expressions in humans.

Passing the uncanny valley is the key to the future of robotics, and with the fluid emotional qualities of Engineered Arts robots, there is a brief leap across the uncanny valley, although we still consciously can see these machines are robots.

We all know it’s just not the outward aesthetics that matter in robotic design, but the AI is ultimately the clincher of the entire enterprise, you cannot have one element and fall in another, both the AI and aesthetics must be proficient and complement each other.

If scientists can grow human organs and meat in laboratories, they can surely grow muscles or flesh and skin, which will eventually be placed over the skeletal bodies of these machines. The question then is how do you keep these elements alive, well, much like a real human these robots would have to incorporate a system of blood or specialist fluid vessels across the body, so the tissue could continue to live? Possibly the material covering the exoskeleton would be a composite material that is formed from a durable artificial substance and active biological cells incorporated with Nano technology to deliver nutrients or repair areas damaged.

The main problem with robotics at the moment is powering these machines, and it is possible that future robots will be powered by a specialist fluid, or battery cells that regenerate energy through movement or even utilise solar energy. Not sure about nuclear fission battery cells similar to those of Terminators visualised by the Terminator series? If the nuclear option were the case, then protection from radioactivity would have to be paramount in design. What’s the point of having these eternal robots walking around if they’re irradiating everything and killing off human fertility?

Recreating every single dendrite and synaptic pathway in the human brain is a long way away, however this mapping is in progress. Even though this may eventually happen, there will always the problem that every human brain is mapped differently and unique, therefore the scientists will have to possibly settle for a generic model to fabricate, then build on additions as required for future alterations.

As much has happened in history, it is British innovation that is truly moving robotics forward. Engineered Arts is currently leading the field.

Man Left Homeless After Leaving Job and Listening to Prince Harry

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Man Left Homeless After Leaving Job and Listening to Prince Harry

Left homeless and destitute, Joe Barry, 42, from Hornsey, North London is kicking himself for listening to Prince Harry, who urged people to leave their jobs if they did not like what they were doing.

Prince Harry, who has never had a proper job in his life, and only holds positions in useless boutique companies where he only attends once every four months to talk gobbledygook woke word salad learned from his controlling wife, is certainly not anyone who knows anything about the real world.

“I listened to Prince Harry saying I should leave my job if I’m unhappy. Well, when I did, I applied to about 500 other jobs but was rejected by all. Many businesses are going under and cannot even afford anyone new. I then started receiving bills that I could not pay. My wife left me taking everything, then the bank took the house, and I was left with a black bin bag of stuff.”

Mr Barry tried to get shelter for the homeless, but everything is full, especially over the Christmas period.

“I roam the streets all day, then at night find a shop entrance where I can bed down. I don’t have any money, so I search bins for food, and one kebab shop owner was kind enough to give me some chips. Every night before I bed down I curse Prince Harry and his pompous idiotic advice. God knows how many lives he will ruin. I should have stayed in my old job which was enough to live on.”

There is hope for Mr Barry though, he has found his way to London’s Soho district, where there are opportunities for him to make some money.

“I can make £20 a whack giving blowjobs to dirty old men, and even young gays who like older men. My only expense is some mouthwash and a pair of kneepads. It ain’t much, but I hope to afford to pay for my own flat space in a few months time. I’ve now picked up a bit of a heroin habit though, but it’s the only way I can get through the days.”

PRESS FREEDOM: Britain Must NOT Lose the Right to Free Speech

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PRESS FREEDOM: Britain Must NOT Lose the Right to Free Speech

Britain’s illustrious history is built upon the mantle of free speech, and it is this ultimate right which Meghan Markle has sought to ruin with her despicable legal attack on our very fabric as a civilised society, where we can have a voice on good and bad things. Accountability and transparency are a British democratic institution, which has invariably been sullied by the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg. Who guards the guardians (quis custodiet ipsos custodes), as Juvenal wrote. We need accountability for politicians, for people in positions of influence who may use their power to subvert and pervert justice for their own gain?

We do not want a skewed and twisted EU legal system ruling over us where the rich can use their money and privilege to essentially buy off our judges with their vast wealth. All of this pertains to journalism and our press system which has come under attack from the likes of Markle, a Woke Stalinist who is trying to subvert our values, our rights and our freedoms. Laws should not be made up by judges who have stars in their eyes, but by politicians who will consult and discuss before implementing any judicial changes. It is time to eviscerate the greedy grip of the EU Court of Human Rights, and the ECJ all in one fell swoop. What sort of Brexit can we ever have when we have unelected Brussels judges breathing down our necks?

The government must move with haste in this matter to thwart the loopholes or dubious avenues utilised by Meghan’s lawyers to thwart freedom of speech and the age-old rights of the British press to do what they have been doing for centuries.

If it were up to the likes of Markle, the press would be a heavily controlled industry of slave journalists dictated to what they write, much like Pravda during the Soviet Union era. Britain is not the plaything of Meghan and her plasticine Omid Scobie media lie machine where everything is contrived and false — we are REAL!

If the government has to mess with the Human Rights laws which are perverted to serve rich people and their egos, then so be it. For too long, it has been these EU Human Rights which have fuelled the migrant crisis, and have served corrupt people with deep pockets to get their own way in the courts at the cost of true judicial justice.

The only good thing that has erupted from this monstrous judicial injustice involving Markle and the Daily Mail is that decent MPs like Dominic Raab have been moved to act in parliament to change this pestilence of immoral perversion of the British judicial system by Meghan Markle’s ill-gotten millions manipulating courts for her own narcissistic ego.

Èric Zemmour: Breath of Conservative French Air From Macron’s Progressive EU Gulag?

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Èric Zemmour: Breath of Conservative French Air From Macron’s Progressive EU Gulag?

The antithesis of woke progressives in France who pledge allegiance to the communist ideals of the EU, Èric Zemmour, a journalist now politician, is eviscerating French politics and sending serious tremors through the Macron camp as next year’s election looms. Dubbed as Far-right by the Far-left, names and labels seem to be the order of the day. Is Zemmour a French Trump, who wants to Make France Great Again? Yes, there are similarities, especially with the aggressive reaction this politician has received from the Far-left merely for speaking out against the current woke situation.

After the dystopian nightmare of Wokism and progressive destruction of biology, Western history and society in general, Zemmour is coming out fighting, vowing to take back France from the globalist structures imposed on nations for so long.

It seems the French are fighting back from the spectre of complete loss of sovereignty as proposed by the EU federalists. They see their nation slowly succumbing to the communist EU action of stripping sovereignty and nationality from France, relegating its history, language, identity to the soviet EU shredder bin.

Naturally, the current French socialist order is not happy with Zemmour and he was attacked violently during a recent rally. With mass immigration a serious talking point amongst the people, Zemmour capitalises on this generational problem that blights much of France/Europe.

Restoring and conserving everything that has been lost is a tall order. Whether Zemmour can achieve this will be up to the French populace, who either fight back from the damage already meted out, or stay silent in the face of France losing its sovereign existence forever.

One can hope that Èric Zemmour helps France in the future break away from the terrible hold of the EU. We must pray for a Frexit, and a serious backlash to the sovietized EU machine. When the rubber band is pulled so far, eventually it has to snap back.

Drugged Up Parliamentarians to Get Their Comeuppance With Sniffer Dogs

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Drugged Up Parliamentarians to Get Their Comeuppance With Sniffer Dogs

Gone are the days of a quicky sniffy in the Number 10 toilets before barraging into the Cabinet room ranting and raving at velocity about some inconsequential bureaucratic law involving traffic cones and roundabouts. MPs and staffers in parliament will now have drug sniffer dogs sniffing around their persons at every opportunity. Those care free cocaine fuelled days are over with for now.

One can imagine the utter disgrace meted upon an Honourable Member as a sniffer dog handled by some brutish policeman finds that packet of white stuff you have clumsily gouged into your jacket’s inner pocket. The £2,500 Savile Row suit you wear has bespoke pockets just for this sort of thing, but the fucking pooch sniffed it out within a few minutes of you walking through the entrance into the Commons. What would Tony Montana do? Maybe call everyone within a certain perimeter, a cockroach, then pull out a pea shooter whilst yelling “Say hello to my little friend!” You on the other hand are meant to be a respectable member of parliament, a guffaw or two suffices as the police lead you away to be searched and arrested in front of all of your gawping colleagues.

Apparently, recent sweeps by the police in parliament rooms and toilets have found vast amounts of cocaine, and Boris is clamping down on the practice which has been a very well accounted for activity for yonks.

How will Michael Gove function under these new restrictive directives? His bright percussive demeanour could be darkened, slowed down somewhat, maybe he may stumble over his words as the Peruvian marching powder is nowhere to be seen or snuffed.

As for Boris, of course he has never touched such things in his past, or present. Looking at the way he is conducting business of late, a Victorian doctor would prescribe mountains of the white powder to the ailing PM to give him some much-needed oomph, as he chases his lost mojo up and down those parliamentary stairwells.

Coffee is of course the answer, wrap it up in a bag of coffee. The sniffer dogs are always fooled by this age-old trick. We may now see an increase in the price of coffee as demand rises to gargantuan levels.

In an Increasingly Insane World: Self Sufficiency is Key

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In an Increasingly Insane World: Self Sufficiency is Key

Governments and states used to in the past hold some modicum of common sense, but these days, especially during a global pandemic, this is definitely not the case.

What can you do to ensure your survival amongst a maelstrom of stupid directives, ill-conceived laws, and governmental over-reach bordering on totalitarianism?

self sufficiency food

It’s simple — become self-sufficient.

  1. Move away from cities. During societal breakdowns, cities are essentially killing zones.
  2. Become self-sufficient in all utilities, wood-burning stoves, solar energy, water collection/purification, composting toilets, recycle everything.
  3. Grow your own food, this is one of the best things you can do. It is not easy though, especially in colder climates like Britain, however look into hydroponics for indoor growth of most vegetables and fruit all year round.
  4. Livestock like chickens and goats are also a bonus to any self-sufficient holding.
  5. Always prepare some food reserves for emergencies.
  6. Gain military/martial arts training. Gain training in use of firearms for self-defence, depending on laws within your jurisdiction. Once law and order breaks down completely, forget about law within your jurisdiction, as it will no longer exist.
  7. Invest in high-end night vision goggles and a long range drone. Create a CCTV perimeter. Learn how to create traps. Keep paper maps and learn how to use a compass.
  8. Stop spending money on shit. (anything that is not useful)
  9. Get training in emergency medical techniques. Stock essential medical supplies.
  10. Own a pre-1985 diesel vehicle with minimal electronics and be proficient in mechanics. Alternatively, building a Faraday cage for your vehicle and electronics will suffice.
  11. HAM Radio, get one and learn its uses.
  12. Build an underground shelter/stockroom, or adapt an existing basement.
  13. Never tell anyone what you are doing, otherwise you will have the entire neighbourhood knocking when the SHTF.
  14. Paper money will be useless when society breaks down. Instead, food, gold, skills will be tradeable for other resources.
  15. Establish a group of trusted people who you can count on in an emergency.
  16. Be prepared to leave to a designated bug-out area at the drop of a hat.

Solar panelsThe key to self-sufficiency is to learn essential skills that would benefit you and your family in an emergency. These are more valuable than anything else. With the right skills, you will be able to survive in situations that others will not.

Surviving in wild environments will mean you will be able to distinguish edible material, make shelters/traps and create medicines.

Beyond Satire VI

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Beyond Satire VI

Greetings from the nether regions of the satirical spectrum of insanity, where the borders between regular news dissolves and is enveloped by things beyond the fucking Thunderdome. This time, Tina and Mad Max are nowhere to be seen. All we have are some rather whacky cringe worthy stories that may or may not tickle your funny bones.

BEYOND SATIRE

Tourist is savaged by a 12ft crocodile after mistaking the predator for a plastic model and climbing into its pool for selfies in amusement park in the Philippines

Australian crocodile.A tourist in the Philippines was attacked by a crocodile after mistaking it for a plastic model and climbing into its pool to pose for selfies.

Nehemias Chipada spotted what he thought was just a life-like model of one of the predators while visiting Amaya View amusement park on his birthday in Cagayan de Oro City.

The 68-year-old then posed for pictures, holding his phone in one hand with his other hand dangling by his waist.

But with his family watching, the picture session took a savage turn when the 12ft-long croc lunged at his arm and dragged him into the water.

He was rescued from the savage mauling, eventually with his IQ intact.

 

Woman shoots self in vagina

9mm pistol gun and bullets strewn on the tableA webcam model accidentally shot herself in the vagina with a 9 mm handgun while recording a video earlier this month in her Georgia home, according to a police report.

Responding to an “accidental gunshot wound” call at a residence in Thomaston, a city 40 miles from Macon, a sheriff’s deputy encountered an EMS worker in the property’s driveway around noon on November 9.

The paramedic–who was holding an unloaded handgun and a spent bullet casing in her hands–explained that, “the female had shot herself in her vagina, accidentally.”

Nothing to say about this apart from “ooph!”

 

Shepherd’s pie kills woman, 92, as chef admits ‘rushing’ food

Shepherds pie dinnerDeath by Shepherd’s Pie, something that many do not think about ever occurring, however in this case, it did happen. The chef killed off granny with some poorly cooked pie, and the bastard will have to live with his mugshot in the paper for the rest of his sorry life. Remember this, Shepherd’s Pie can be deadly.

 

 

Man who survived Channel boat tragedy ‘plans to cross again’ to pay for sister’s medical expenses

RefugeesThe amount of money already spent paying people traffickers to cross the Channel would have saved his sister five times over, yet this idiot still wants to pay an extra five grand to cross the Channel over the twenty or so thousand pounds he has already spent on the horrific ordeal? One suspects his sister is nothing to do with him crossing the Channel.

 

More Beyond Satire stories here

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