One thing a crisis like coronavirus brings out of people is the sense that there are literally millions of idiots nestled within the population. Many of these idiots are not only a danger to themselves but to others, and if encountered should be treated with caution, especially in a time of crisis.
We have fielded some questions from an assortment of covidiots purely for amusement purposes.
Question sent in by MP Michael Gove from his self-isolation: “I would like to ask whether lives would be saved in the Cabinet and Number 10 if we were in a bunker or wore the necessary protection or conducted meetings via video conferencing?”
Answer: Yes, you are correct Mr. Gove, the farce of PMs, cabinet ministers and other people of import being infected by the fucking coronavirus, who could have been saved if they actually heeded the warnings they kept on spouting, has to be one big joke. I don’t care what the WHO says, wearing a proper fucking chemical/virus protection mask that has the proper filters, and eye protection will protect the wearer from miniscule water droplets carrying the virus. The Americans are sticking important people in bunkers right now, but the UK doesn’t do things like that, and that’s why half of you are infected. C’mon you socialist Tories must get a grip, stop fucking clapping like a bunch of commie penguins and get on with planning a strategy out of this clusterfuck situation.
Question sent in by Bartholomew Trevillian, Oxfordshire: “My wife convinced me (forced) to book a cruise in May sailing the South China sea visiting Hong Kong, Shanghai and then going down to Australia. Each ticket cost me £85,000 and we get our own balcony, don’t you know. We will be okay, won’t we?”
Answer: You and your cunt wife are useless covidiots of the highest order. You have paid a huge amount of money to die slowly from coronavirus which will be pumped through the ship’s air con system into every cabin. Quarantines, sent from one port to another with little or no food, and people dying all over the fucking corridors. If you think the pandemic will be over by May you are a deluded fuckwit like the rest of them. You might as well go to a cliff right now, throw a suitcase of money over, and then push the wife over, followed by yourself.
Question sent in by Gordon Ramsey, the chef: “I have one of those monstrous fucking mansions out in the country, you know the sort that tries to emulate a post-modernist minimalist feel to it, but actually looks like poorly laid chunks of concrete slapped together randomly. Anyway, I’ve heard fucking grumbling noises from the locals who disapprove of me coming to my country mansion during the lockdown. If I bought this motherfucking monstrosity with my fucking money, should it not be my fucking right to visit it whenever the fuck I want to fucking visit it? (turning blue)
Answer: Mr Ramsey, it seems some of these local oiks and farm people need to be Ramseyed up their arses, preferably with a 12 bore shotgun barrel. It is your fucking property and therefore it is your fucking right to visit and live in your fucking property during this cunting Chinese Virus lockdown, or at any time you wish to fucking visit. Put the fuckers in their place.
Question: I am Xing Mi, from Wuhan, China and the lockdown has ended. I am so happy! I have now booked a world trip to European cities, and London, and also all of American cities for all my family, my friends, and workers on April 20. Will we be greeted with open arms and will people smile at us?
Answer: No, people will not fucking greet you in Europe, in America or in London, England. People are dying in the West because of Chinese tourists travelling all over the fucking place infecting our population with deadly Chinese coronavirus. It is therefore highly irresponsible of you to book your fucking tour of the Western cities as most of the West is still under coronavirus lockdown, or will be coming out of lockdown soon. Will you fucking bat boiling idiots ever learn?
Question sent in by 17-year-old student from Leeds: Why should I have to be in lockdown? It’s only the old farts who are dying, young people are immune to coronavirus, and I am immune to it, nothing can touch me, I am invincible.
Answer: This is exactly why in wars, they send the young lads over the frontlines. It is precisely your attitude that enables you to act as cannon fodder, the fearlessness of youth. That’s why in wars, they do not send 45-year-olds over the trenches, because they would think of the consequences too much and not move forward into the enemy’s bullets. To that end, your ignorance about the coronavirus is also another reason why you should be forced to stay in, because you are a serious danger to the rest of the population.
This was a small sample of questions sent in.