This year’s prestigious Bilderberg meeting will be held in the beautiful city of Turin nestled deep in the Italian countryside.

The vistas of the city and its renowned architecture will satisfy the attendees from the delicately decorated roof gardens where we will convene after the meetings in the evening.

To say it is a great honour to be invited would be an understatement, but after our recent Kissinger interview it was somewhat expected.

At the moment, I’m trying to figure out what to take in my little bag (not the old lady) to the luxurious hotel we have been booked in. Sorry mes amis, but I cannot divulge the location, but will give you a few tips. It is relatively close to the Royal Palace, andĀ a 5-minute walk from Piazza Vittorio Veneto, it is however near a grotty shopping centre, not that delegates will do much walking.

Facade of Valentino Castle in Turin, Italy.
Valentino Castle – former residence of Royal House of Savoy.

As with regulations, on pain of death, I cannot say much more.

All this tosh about groups of young ladies being escorted into the rooms is something I can say does not happen. You only get to choose one or two for the night, not more than three much to my chagrin, and there is a pecking order, hopefully no sloppy seconds or thirds.

George ‘7 Jobs’ Osborne and other Remoaners will be attending, they seek to fight the populism encroaching on their territory, and I will be the dissenting voice of reason to their avarice and greed.

The food presented to the delegates will no doubt be something to be savoured. Last time I was in Turin I thoroughly enjoyed the Piemonte cuisine, especially from a restaurant situated within the grounds of Rivoli castle itself, yes it only has a single Michelin star, but the food was unspeakably agreeable to my palate. TheĀ Fassona fillet is certainly one reason to get back there, you can practically die for such delights.

All these conspiracy theory nutcases and their tinfoil hats have got it all wrong. Alex Jones and his demented website with his rabid evangelical Christian fanatics can all go and swivel on Satan’s bulbous erect helmet for all I care.

This is why, we’re giving you prior news right now dear reader of one point four, because there will most probably be a news blackout from the Squib lasting for a day or two depending on how much good stuff I consume.

When it is time to get back to the murder capital of the world, bad old Londinium, the inane nonsensical stories will no doubt resume.

There you have it, you have all been priorly warned.

Turin, Italy