WELCOME TO SADIQ KHAN LABOUR LONDON

Under the careful apathetical watch of London Mayor Sadiq Khan, London’s murder rate is now triple of Bogota or Cartagena.

Tourists who are keen to experience this phenomenon are travelling to London to encounter the murder first hand.

Juan Motola, 43, from Fort Lauderdale, USA, is fascinated by grim tales of the city’s past: “I would read about Jack the Ripper and what he did in the East End when I was a kid. I always imagined the cobbled streets of London amongst the fog and flashes of knives as a poor lady of the night was gutted and left for all to see. I’m coming to the death capital this time to see it all first hand.”

Tourists don’t need to buy expensive tickets to the London Dungeons, or Madame Tussauds, because the real action is on the streets.

Stewart Penrose, a crime consultant reveals the best times to get murdered in the city, as well as the prime spots for a quick dispatch.

“You don’t want to come onto the streets at rush hour in the morning from 7am to 10am. The reason for this is that the Afro Caribbean gangs who commit most of the crime don’t have jobs, and are usually still in bed. If you want a good stabbing, walk the streets after about midday, and of course the night time is the best for getting shanked or chopped by a machete. Don’t forget to flash your Rolex watch or expensive camera wherever you go, this will quicken your demise considerably. South of the river is now the best place to go to get murdered. It’s like the Wild West.”

Because there are no police on the streets of London anymore, thanks to the London Mayor’s orders, violent crime has risen as much as by 80% in some areas.

Tourist Abel Dannon, from France arrived in London on a Tuesday, and had been murdered by Wednesday his brother revealed.

“He was sad about breaking up with his girl. He bought a one way ticket to London, and we wondered why. According to reports, he was seen walking down Croydon High Street holding up job application leaflets. The last I heard was it was a quick death for him. About twenty thugs descended upon him with machetes. People just stepped over his mangled body for hours.”

Indeed, murder now is so common place that many bodies scattered on the streets are routinely ignored.

“It’s just another day in a Labour run city. I had to step over four bodies and a severed hand this morning on the way to work. Luckily I did not spoil my suit,” Stockbroker, Giles Mathers, revealed in the Evening Standard newspaper.