No one knows much about the new EU president who was hailed as the new unelected EU leader today but the information gleaned about him is enough to make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up in terror.

“This guy makes pope Benedict look like a boy scout. Mr Van Rompuy is said to have secret catacombs underneath his dwelling in the Belgian countryside where he indulges in all manner of deviancies. He is reputed to be part of a secretive society that indulges in activities that author Dan Brown would love to write about in his books. He is certainly the right unelected man to head the EU communist state which now dictates all laws in Britain and controls it economically,” Peter Holbrook, an economic analyst for Deutsche Bank told the BBC.

Fourth Reich

Many who were watching the screens as this evil paedo clown was installed, shrieked with utter fright at his face and some even had to turn away when the cameras showed his awful features.

“Certainly, this new unelected EU leader makes my skin crawl. Whenever they show him on screen, it’s as if they’re clawing long nails on a blackboard such is his repulsive state. God knows what manner of perversions he has been party to and will continue to commit under the auspices of the oppressive EU presidency. I pray for his victims that they’re suffering is not prolonged. God help us all,” Martina Kalashnikov, 23, a resident of Liverpool said after reports of the new unelected EU presidency was announced.

“The vast
deposits of of gold,
cobalt, copper,
iron, and
critical industrial metals like lithium are so big and include so many
minerals that it would have been a crime not to invade the country and
liberate them,” Joel Liebnitz, a Pentagon strategist told CNN.

The land of
Afghanistan is now earmarked to be completely opened up and mined so
that all that will be left will be a massive canyon crater with nothing
left.

“Let’s face it,
this place is a goddamn shit hole anyway. If we dig a few holes here and
there, the dumbass sheep herders ain’t gonna notice much. Hell, those
fuckers are so strung out on poppy juice they don’t realise we now own
this here place,” colonel Robert McNamara, stationed in Sangin told the
BBC.

The Russians knew about the deposits in the 1980’s as did
the British before they were unceremoniously kicked out of the country.
Now the Americans and British mining companies are back, and after the
Iraqi oil well bonanza, the Afghan mineral fields will reap many rewards
for the Western governments.

“We need more troops on the ground here, it’s like a hellhole, a wasteland,” Arnie Fink, 27, staff Sergeant for 102nd Light Infantry division told Fox news who were reporting from the war torn country.

America, is a war zone with thousands of shootings everyday and they desperately need more troops to quell the unrest in America’s ghettos and streets.

“We’ve been at war for many years now and there is no sign of an exit strategy, when is Obama going to come out with a decision to send more troops to our own goddamn cities?” Jeremy Poindexter, a military analyst from Fort Hood, Texas, told a group of reporters on the front line.

Another 70,000 troops would man and support a new division headquarters
for the national force’s Regional Command (RC) South in El Paso. Some 4,000
additional U.S. trainers are likely to be sent as well, the officials
said.

The first additional combat brigade probably would arrive in Washington D.C. next March, the officials said, with the other three
following at roughly three-month intervals, meaning that all the
additional U.S. troops probably wouldn’t be deployed until the end of
next year. Army brigades number 3,500 to 5,000 soldiers; a Marine
brigade has about 8,000 troops.

Residents of a small town in Arkansas are fed up with the delay for more troops from Obama including Ronald McPherson, 64, a factory worker who told CBS news of his wishes for more troops in American cities: “Instead of murdering people in cold blood in foreign lands we need to do more of that over here because we need to stop the shooters who are going on their rampages. I’m up for shooting Muslims to death in those countries but we got to shoot them on our home turf too. It’s like a skeet shoot or something sometimes. Yesterday I went to the store to buy me a loaf of bread, had to step over about six bodies on the way. C’mon Obama send more troops will you!”

Obama, it seems is under increased pressure to send more troops to deal with the U.S’ domestic crisis rather than creating more war elsewhere.

“I just had another awful f*cking day. I woke up and turned on the telly only to see Gordon Brown’s ugly brute face winking at me like a demented Cheshire cat mumbling about his handwriting or something or rather. Then we received more economic forecasts, X-Factor news bulletins and a dollop of Katie Price shenanigans. I might as well top myself now I tell you,” a resident of Grimtown, Manchester told the UK’s state controlled news service, the BBC, this morning.

If you’re not freezing in your mortgage hell cell block in some urine infested tower block in Lewisham waiting for a winter fuel allowance that will never come, then you’re doing alright. The rest of us just have to put it all on a credit card. Don’t think about tomorrow when you have to pay it all back at 39.5% APR or whatever astronomical amount it is. You can buy your loaf of bread and eat your watery pork fat soup for another f*cking day of misery in Gordon Brown’s grey horrible Britain. Cheer up folks it’s good to be alive, aye there’s another bonus for the bankers as they sit in their ivory towers frittering away our cash on high class prostitutes and cocaine and laughing at the taxpayers.

How about another strike in Gordon Brown’s Britain? Maybe a postal strike or an Underground strike, consider the dustmen as well, they need to strike too and the buses.

Good News

Is Simon Cowell dead yet? Unfortunately not yet mes amis, he continues to pollute the airwaves with the exploitation of young stupid karaoke singers judged by thick talentless c*nts with no remit whatsoever. He may be exploiting these idiots and raking in huge profits, but there is a good thought at the end of it all, he will pass away one day and have to leave all the millions of pounds he has acquired through evil means behind. His material possessions will hurt him more than anyone who detests his very being and soulless plasticity ever could.

More Good News

Gordon Brown will soon be gone. He will be discarded into the anal cavity of historic failure; to rest in abject anonymity and shame. No one will want to remember his unelected tenure because they will be reminded of pain and hurt and utter utter gormless stupidity.

Entrenched within the walls of prison Britain, where the surveillance comes thick and the police sit in their well lit offices writing out endless reports about nothing in particular, you may venture out one day and not worry about losing your spleen to an intoxicated feral 12 year old girl sloshed out of her f*cking brains on alcopops and skunk.

You may one day take a walk and sniff the air of future optimism, but then again, you may wake up and realise that you are still living in Gordon Brown’s Britain and it was all a dream.

What’s the internet going to be like without Fox News, the Sun and the Times? How will people be able to live without the daily rants of the Murdoch empire’s newspapers?

The terrible news that Rupert Murdoch is planning to charge people to view his newspapers online came as an utter shock to many.

Can you imagine anyone paying to view a single page of Fox news or the Sun?

The biggest disappointment of all was finding out that there would not be any Sun slideshows available anymore for free. One of the Daily Squib staffers was inconsolable: “I first read the news that the old lizard wanted to get everyone to pay for his newspapers on the net. I immediately shouted out the words ‘No more slide show!’ and crumpled down onto the floor in a heap of utter despair.”

Internet readers all over the world were mourning the proposed loss of all Murdoch news online yesterday.

“This is a sad loss for the internet to lose the news from all of Rupert Murdoch’s media outlets being pumped out day after day, second after second. Now we have to work out a way of getting him to take away his hard copy newspapers as well from public circulation. I think if that ever happened there would be celebrations all over the f*cking world,” another avid internet newshound told our reporter.