“We’re training the Afghans in our military techniques and giving away all our secrets so they can shoot us better,” said 1st Lieutenant Jim Jones of the 3rd Infantry Brigadiers regiment.

The Afghans, who are normally taught how to shoot an AK-47 by the age of two, are not in the least phased by the newcomers thinking they can be trained to shoot their own countrymen.

“Here in Afghanistan, if we’re not shooting foreign invaders then we shoot at each other. I don’t think the idiots who come here realise what the rules of the game are,” Abdul Omar, a Mujahadeen fighter, who has been recruited by the local British garrison to shoot some Brits dead, then run off into the night and never be seen again said about the exemplary training facilities.

A British commander was adamant that training the Afghans is a good idea: “We invaded their country, and now we’re training them to shoot us with more accuracy. We also train them up on better bomb making techniques and let them come into our heavily fortified compounds so they can tell their friends about our living habits. It’s all jolly good stuff I tell you. Ah, my tea just arrived.”

Someone is attacked by a Daily Mail headline every 30 seconds in Britain, figures revealed last night.

“Is it safe to come out from under the bed yet?”

After reading the latest stabbing headlines from the Daily Mail, many are so traumatised that they dare not go outside into the seething mass of tortuous hell that is Daily Mail Britain today.

It’s bad enough trying to survive in Gordon Brown’s Britain without having the horrific gruesome fear inducing headlines from the Daily Mail rammed into your brain every 30 seconds.

“I live in perpetual fear. I never put the lights on in my house at night and cower under the kitchen table reading the Daily Mail on my laptop. If it’s not how my house value has dropped by 3,500%, it’s about some nasty vermin feral scum who is waiting outside my door to stab me repeatedly with a six inch kitchen knife. Ooh look! I just refreshed the headline now and it says that I could die soon from cancer if I don’t eat more grapes everyday. Aaargh!” Johnson B. Smythe, 45, from Middle Britain told the Daily Mail.

The true picture of violent Daily Mail stories could be even worse. Some experts
believe that they are getting even more fearful by the day.

“We believe that the stories are getting so incredibly ridiculous that one day the Daily Mail offices might just explode with anguish. It would be quite a sight to behold, all those overpaid Daily Mail bullies all with their already huge heads exploded all over the streets. Quite a sight I tell you,” one of the media experts working on the project divulged.

The man from the Eastern suburb of Chichmaka, Boston, has filed a lawsuit against himself for “hurting my feelings” and “doubting my own judgement”.

Americans are well known for suing everything that moves or offends them in any way, so this latest episode of suing has not come as a surprise to many.

“We sue people for looking at us funny. We sue companies for picking up a hot cup of coffee and feeling the heat. I’ve seen sons and daughters sue their parents for denying them the latest fad toys from China. It’s a part of American life, that and prescription drugs for every ailment under the sun and shootings. Suing and getting whacked out of your head on Ritalin and Codeine whilst waving a sub machine gun around in your highschool canteen is a normal part of American life,” Arthur Emerson, a doctor at Boston’s general hospital told CBS news before being sued by a patient for saving their life.

Lawyers who are working to sue the man say that he should be justifiably angry at himself and they took on the case with eagerness.

“We positively encouraged this young man to sue himself for the hurt he has caused himself. It is an awful situation he is in. He instructed us to sue him for as much as we can get out of the sucker. That’s why we know the courts are going to throw the book at him, and of course it’s going to be ‘Cha Ching’ time for us,” Mr Weasel Slimer of Slimer and Cleaners Law Firm told CBS.

“It will be like a breath of fresh air. No more junk mail and no more bills for a whole week, maybe even a month,” a Lewisham resident, Sam Qwerty, 78, told the Independent.

The brief reprieve in mass junk mail deliveries will ensure a collective sigh of relief across the nation.

“No more credit card bills, council tax demands, gas and electricity, water rates, car tax, car insurance, TV licence tax as well as the useless junk mail trying to sell me things I will never ever need. I used to feel utter fear when I heard the tell-tale noise of letters dropping through my letterbox. Well, thanks to our boys and gals at the Royal Mail we shan’t be having any deliveries for weeks, maybe months..it’s bloody marvelous it is,” Deirdre Hollingsworth, a retired widower struggling on her measly pension said yesterday.

They’re like moths being drawn inexplicably towards the flame; the irresistible urge for British retired holidaymakers to take their luxury yachts into the pirate infested waters off the coast of Somalia is positively captivating.

“As soon as I bought my luxury yacht I had to sail it to the pirate coast of Somalia and be captured by pirates. They shoot me, my wife, our dog and parakeet tomorrow, but boy has it been a trip of a lifetime,” Reginald Merrion, a retired businessman from Surrey, who relayed his final message to a French warship via morse code a few days ago.

Forget about Marbella, the Cote D’Azur or Monaco. Everyone knows the place to be is the Somali coast.

They have untouched beaches where you can be dragged by your hair before you are hidden in a shack for ransom. The cuisine on the Somali Pirate Coast is exquisite, you will be greeted with such delicacies as dog meat, fresh maggots and cold rice. One must not forget the hospitality as well, it will cost you literally an arm and a leg but your life savings will go a long way — until the middle of next week.

“We stayed in 4 star accommodation in the hull of a pirate ship before we had our life savings delivered to the pirates so we could be freed. I’d do it again tomorrow I tell you, the service was excellent and I think I even left them a tip after they shot my wife,” Joseph Hargreaves, 68, a retired airline pilot told the BBC after his release.