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Obama Armada of 45 Naval Destroyers Escort For India Trip

by Hugo Malmoson
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Obama Armada of 45 Naval Destroyers Escort For India Trip

“The ten day India trip is going to cost the U.S. taxpayer nearly two trillion dollars. To be more precise, we’re talking in the region of $200 million per day and we’re not even including the secret service bill right there,” Amy Thompson, senior budget director at the Pentagon told the Herald Sun.

Obama’s trip to Mumbai will last all of ten days and is set to become the most expensive visit a head of state has ever achieved in the whole of history.

“Forget about any trip by Queen Victoria, the Sultan of Brunei or any Saudi King. First off, they don’t have 45 battleships following them around. We know it is totally unnecessary, but we’re Americans, we’re democrats and also we get one term to do this shit, so we’re going to have our fun before the whole shit house goes up in flames,” Jonah Fetherline, Obama’s press secretary told the Herald Tribune.

According to reports within the sprawling city of Mumbai, all beggars and untouchables will be taken off the streets for the trip and put into a container ship off the coast. The roads will have to be cleared of cows and other assorted livestock for the 240 vehicle presidential entourage and a steel perimeter has been built up containing the city for three whole days. Surveillance aircraft will be watching the city, street by street, inch by inch, and even the coconuts from the trees will be removed in case they are used as weapons against the ailing lame-duck president.

White Voters Win Mid-term Election

by Hugo Malmoson
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White Voters Win Mid-term Election

“This is a victory for white Americans. We came out and voted right this time,” Arlene Philips, a triumphant Republican voter said in Arizona.

On the other side of the country, in Chicago, an Obama supporter, Jaquanda Johnsons, said: “Y’all needs to realise that Obama lost the vote ‘cos he’s black. That’s how it is in this country. They first say everything equal, and then they show their true face.”

The landslide victory in the House of Representatives by the Republicans revealed how white voter anger had boiled over in the last two years.

“We gave him a chance to prove his worth. White people voted for him last time but not no more. He screwed it up plus he pissed off too many sections of voters. While he was out there playing golf and being lazy, Americans were losing their jobs and their homes,” Texan voter, Connor Pounder, told CNN.

Tea Party candidates like Sarah Palin, however, denied that there were any racial undertones to the voting: “Black people everywhere are free to join the Tea Party. It’s just that there won’t be a seat at the table. Maybe they can sit on the floor.”

House of Representatives Have Massive Food Fight

by Hugo Malmoson
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House of Representatives Have Massive Food Fight

When they wheeled in the food during a post mid-term election luncheon, there was not only the look of greed on the politician’s faces but the look of glee, and in some cases just pure unadulterated anger.

“Texas congressman, Doug Rheinhardt, went straight for the barbequed rib. Then when he ate his fill, with meat juices streaming down his chin, he picked one greasy morsel up and threw it at a Democrat standing near the punch bowl. That set things off, we even had Newt come up to a Dem and slam a trifle in their face. The Liberals gave as good as they got though, some were slapping macaroni cheese and cornbread onto a Tea Party representative’s back,” Peter Newtrich, the Republican Colorado congressman, told NBC news.

When the food fight was over, the soiled politicians were led out onto the House’s steps and hosed down with a high pressure hose, then they were all put on buses and taken to a secret location for re-programming.

“We can’t have our politicians going crazy like that? Hell, our country was built on violence and the gun, but we need some semblance of order on Capitol Hill,” House leader, Reggie Boner, Rep. said.

Ghost of Michael Jackson Molests Boy on Halloween

by Hugo Malmoson
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Ghost of Michael Jackson Molests Boy on Halloween

The 12-year-old boy, who has not been named yet, has made the extraordinary claim to the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Office and also filed a lawsuit against the Jackson estate.

“According to the boy, he was with his family on a Neverland tour during Halloween night when the group were shown Jacko’s old bedroom. He claims that a shadow came out of the wall and started to do bad things to him. We asked him how he knew it was Jackson, well, he said the ghost had one white glove and moonwalked across the floor before attempting to molest the boy. There were also
witnesses to the whole sordid affair and even a photograph,” the Sheriff’s Deputy, Jordy MacCulkin was quoted in the LA Times.

Since the incident, the Neverland Tour has been suspended, and paranormal investigators have been called in. There are even plans to bring in an exorcist to try and rid the place of the moonwalking molester.

The ghostly molestation has seriously affected the boy who is now receiving counselling  and his parents are very angry that no one warned them of Jackson.

“This is a terrible awful event which has affected us all. Jacko was not happy with molesting little boys in real life and now he’s doing it from beyond the grave? What a sick f***er!” the boys father told pop commentator Perez Hilton.

Another 'Cutesy' Hollywood CGI Film Released

by Hugo Malmoson
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Another 'Cutesy' Hollywood CGI Film Released

“We’ve got another Hollywood movie release with cutesy CGI characters, American voices and American mannerisms,” Ernie Schlitz, a studio executive at Fox Studios told Film Weekly.

Cinema-goers in Paris, France were astounded by the new movie.

Pierre Gitanes, 14, on his half-term holidays said: “Every week they release a new film with the same tired old American actors’ voices and really dumb f*cking CGI penguins or some other stupid creature. They walk around the screen going ‘Yo, yo, whassup?’ or ‘Du-u-u-u-de!’ after the 380th CGI film release this year I just sat in my seat and wept.”

In Britain, many cinemas held a day of mourning as another cutesy Hollywood CGI film release hit the towns and cities.

“We just had another cutesy American CGI film release. I even had one man slit his wrist in the back and last week we had a hanging,” Freddie Arbunckle, the manager at the Bexleyheath Odeon told the Mirror.

Man Begs For Food Outside Obama Restaurant

by Hugo Malmoson
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Man Begs For Food Outside Obama Restaurant

“I saw him in there. He was eating some food and my mouth started to water. I ain’t eaten in two days. I hoped they could throw me some scraps, even a stale piece o’ bread. I had hope. Hell, I even voted for that guy. He was eating lobster, then they brought him dessert. That champagne looked mighty fine too, hmm hmm,” Dilbert Wilkins, an unemployed teacher from Chicago’s Southside told CBS news.

After Obama’s meal was over, his entourage of 23 vehicles left the restaurant in a hurry. Mr Dilbert tried to say something to the President but was escorted away by some secret service men.

“Hey, at least they feed you in jail huh,” Mr Dilbert said before he was put into the back of an unmarked car.

President Obama’s White House spokesman, Ari Schweissman, said: “The president cut short his meal because he saw a man at the window salivating and obviously hungry. After the president’s entourage sped off, he personally ordered the man be taken to the rear of the restaurant and given a free meal from the bins in the back. You see folks, there is some hope out there. Remember, vote for change. Vote for hope.”

Stephen Fry's New Book "What Women Want" Hits Bestseller List

by Hugo Malmoson
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Stephen Fry's New Book "What Women Want" Hits Bestseller List

Holding the book signing in a Picadilly Circus public lavatory, Mr Fry exited a cubicle to applause from his assembled female fans.

“Thank you, thank you. I’ve just had my arse felt by a 53-year-old van driver. George would be proud. Come now ladies, wouldn’t you all like to have casual encounters like us gay men?” Mr Fry smuggly quipped before sitting down in front of a urinal to sign some of the books that are now selling like hot turds nestled on the edge of a toilet seat.

Many women travelled across the country to finally meet Mr Fry and thank him for liberating them from the shackles of chastity.

“I’ve read his book and as a result I now go to Hampstead Heath every night and have sex with complete strangers. That’s why I now have AIDS and Gonorrhea. I came to have my book signed by Stephen today and thank him especially for inducting me into the ways of gay boys like him,” Elaine Pritchard, a librarian from Wood Green told the Daily Mail.

Stephen Fry’s new book, published by Armitage Shanks, is number one on the bestseller list and is an authority on what women want and think about.

Charlie Sheen Taking Flying Lessons

by Hugo Malmoson
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Charlie Sheen Taking Flying Lessons

“Charlie Sheen always wanted to fly, so we arranged some lessons in a Cessna. He’s already had 30 hours flight time and is ready for his first written test,” Mr Sheen’s agent, Bernie Goldstein, told the New York Times.

The actor’s long suffering flight instructor recalled some of the lessons: “First we go through the preliminary checks, then once we’re up in the air, Charlie gets the booze and drugs out. He snorts on the dashboard, then downs about six or seven bottles of red wine, and by that time we’re ready to land. Last week he brought up two whores for some in-flight entertainment. Sometimes, the altitude gets to him and he has one of his tantrums. After a few nosedives and loops the sound of the wheels screeching on the tarmac is a welcome relief. Good thing I always carry a parachute just in case though, eh.”

Mr Sheen has already gone through twelve instructors at the Torres Flight School in nearby New Jersey, as only a few are brave enough to fly with the actor.

French Refuse to Riot After 62

by Hugo Malmoson
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French Refuse to Riot After 62

“It is almost a form of existentialism a la Camus and Sartre, one must riot, it is the French way, but we emphatically refuse to do so after we are 62 years old. In England, the Ros Boefs, they don’t riot and they have worse indignities forced upon them by their governments, so at least we riot. Here, mes amis, we have that petit midget Sarko dictating to us. We say, allez cochon, we will riot day and night to show our displeasure until we are 62. On the streets of Montmartre, and all over the boulevards, there will be burning cars and riots. Vive la révolution!” Jean Henri, 24, a student at the Universite de Reims Champagne-Ardenne told Le Monde.

The French authorities have welcomed the news that their citizens are not so keen on rioting after 62.

Speaking from the Ministry of Justice, Alphonse Merde, told Le Figaro: “This is indeed good news. Rioting is generally for those who have that youthful spark of fire and rebellion inside their being. Our citizens are refusing to riot after the age of 62. They can have their fun for awhile, then they can retire from rioting.”

Paul the Octopus Sold to Korean Restaurant

by Hugo Malmoson
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Paul the Octopus Sold to Korean Restaurant

“We had to let him go. He was predicting too many things. Like he predicted that my wife would leave me, that she would take everything, and even that I would crash my BMW on the Autobahn. I just said ‘Hey, Paul, you gotta go man. You’re disturbing me,” Jens Schweinner, the aquarium boss in charge of Paul the Octopus revealed to Bild magazine.

In an awful twist, poor old Paul the Octopus did not predict his demise, and was suddenly snatched from his aquarium and unceremoniously sold to the Korean restaurant in downtown Berlin.

“It like Old Boy. We got him on the plate and just start on Paul the Octopus, In Korea it delicacy. Raw octopus alive. It make a good meal,” Phong Moon Seoung, the proprietor of the Sun Woo restaurant revealed.

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