“I’m feeling an itch in my uterus, I gotta spawn more kids right now!” Octomom, Nadya Suleman, squeals as she squats on her kitchen table and strains her face whilst making grunting noises.

The world famous Octomom has been limbering up to shoot out more sprogs into the media ionosphere of cheap headlines and even cheaper photoshoots.

“This is an incredible moment, she already has 23 kids and she still wants more. She’s not even Catholic we understand but she’s still going to squirt out some more brats. I heard last night that she wants to go for the big ten. Yes, you read that right, the big ten babies all at the same time. They’ll be bursting through her mouth at this rate,” Johnson Arafat, a media commentator for the ABC news network said yesterday.

Refugee camp

Miss Suleman has already planned for the new arrivals and set up some extra tents in her back garden with more latrine holes. The United Nations may also get involved by dropping food rations over the fence as well as basic medical supplies when needed.

“I can’t even afford to feed myself or the rest of my 23 kids but I still want to have more kids damn it! I’m appealing to all Americans to support me and send me a few dollars so I can have the strength to have more f*cking babies,” the Octomom said on the Oprah Winfrey Show.

Luckily for her, the staff in the Daily Squib office had a whip round and came up with enough money for the Octomom to get herself irreversibly sterilised.

“We suspect this man, who was complicit in the murder of millions of innocent Iraqis, is still cavorting around the world in private jets and luxury liners,” a reporter for the Independent newspaper said on Tuesday.

Although the evidence presented by the White Wash court in the UK is pretty damning, there are however no plans to prosecute the liar and bring him to justice.

“In this country, we do not prosecute treasonous war criminals. We give them medals, that’s why this dishonourable gentleman will get away with the wicked deeds he has committed and rightly so I say. Everyday in the British courts we let off murderers, knifing maniacs and thugs with a simple caution. Another one on the streets won’t make much of a difference will it?” Lord Phuckah, presiding over the White Wash Inquiry told the Daily Mail yesterday.

No one knows much about the new EU president who was hailed as the new unelected EU leader today but the information gleaned about him is enough to make the hairs on the back of your neck stand up in terror.

“This guy makes pope Benedict look like a boy scout. Mr Van Rompuy is said to have secret catacombs underneath his dwelling in the Belgian countryside where he indulges in all manner of deviancies. He is reputed to be part of a secretive society that indulges in activities that author Dan Brown would love to write about in his books. He is certainly the right unelected man to head the EU communist state which now dictates all laws in Britain and controls it economically,” Peter Holbrook, an economic analyst for Deutsche Bank told the BBC.

Fourth Reich

Many who were watching the screens as this evil paedo clown was installed, shrieked with utter fright at his face and some even had to turn away when the cameras showed his awful features.

“Certainly, this new unelected EU leader makes my skin crawl. Whenever they show him on screen, it’s as if they’re clawing long nails on a blackboard such is his repulsive state. God knows what manner of perversions he has been party to and will continue to commit under the auspices of the oppressive EU presidency. I pray for his victims that they’re suffering is not prolonged. God help us all,” Martina Kalashnikov, 23, a resident of Liverpool said after reports of the new unelected EU presidency was announced.

“The vast
deposits of of gold,
cobalt, copper,
iron, and
critical industrial metals like lithium are so big and include so many
minerals that it would have been a crime not to invade the country and
liberate them,” Joel Liebnitz, a Pentagon strategist told CNN.

The land of
Afghanistan is now earmarked to be completely opened up and mined so
that all that will be left will be a massive canyon crater with nothing
left.

“Let’s face it,
this place is a goddamn shit hole anyway. If we dig a few holes here and
there, the dumbass sheep herders ain’t gonna notice much. Hell, those
fuckers are so strung out on poppy juice they don’t realise we now own
this here place,” colonel Robert McNamara, stationed in Sangin told the
BBC.

The Russians knew about the deposits in the 1980’s as did
the British before they were unceremoniously kicked out of the country.
Now the Americans and British mining companies are back, and after the
Iraqi oil well bonanza, the Afghan mineral fields will reap many rewards
for the Western governments.