“Negotiating with the British electorate is very much like making love to a beautiful woman, first you pretend you’re on their side, then you ply them with fine wines and Belgian chocolates, string ’em along with some half-lies and evasions, promise them the earth, and then hand them over to the EU for a thoroughly good In/Out EU Referogering,” Swiss Davi said from his used car lot in Downing Street.
Do you still want to buy that used referendum now?
“Folks, I was playing golf the other day and I thought to myself, ding, why don’t I get every American to sell tupperware so that we can get out of my spending spree created deficit and recession. If every American made say fifty bucks a day and gave it to the government we could pay 1% of the interest on the debt we owe. You know that is at least something, right?” Obama said to rapturous applause from the Inaugeration audience.
The democrats want all Americans to sell as much tupperware as they can possible manage.
“If you can’t sell it to your granny or members of your family, how about random people in the street? Just tell them it’s their patriotic duty to buy or we all go down the drain,” Al Sterrincs, an Obama campaign officer told CBS news.
Democrat economists praised the Obama idea but there’s only one minor drawback. If everyone has tupperware and are trying to sell their tupperware to people who have tonnes of tupperware, then who’s going to buy the tupperware?
“And that’s not all, we gon’ have all this tupperware but no food to put in it,” Janice Delray, 45, an unemployed woman on food stamps from Kentucky told local news stations.
“We have liberated the gold mines and have preserved democracy for the big gold nuggets in the mines so that the bad guys don’t get them,” Lieutenant Julien Francois told Le Figaro.
The ongoing operation was dangerous and some French personnel were unfortunately lost during the repatriation of the gold mines.
“Mali is just one big gold mine, it’s a good thing that these Al Qaidas are running around all over the place, n’est pas? Otherwise why would we be here? Allez, we have to rendezvous at another gold mine where we saw some more Al Qaida and liberate those gold nuggets,” another French soldier said before leaving in the convoy.
It’s a good thing that France is broke at the moment and they have no need for such natural resources.
If you win the competition by submitting an answer to the question below you will be flown in third class to New Delhi, India and you will go on a bus tour of the colourful capital city.
The five lucky Delhi Bus Tour comp. winners are sure to have the time of their lives as they are driven around the city in a bus full of leering sex starved Indian men.
To win the competition tell us how many women were raped per day in New Delhi in 2012? a) 23 b) 65 c) 89
Send your answers on a postcard to: Daily Squib Delhi Bus Comp. P.O Box 2396, 17 Rapine Street, London, W1 6DA
All children from the age of 3-18 will be required by the new Obama ‘Kid Take that Adult Gun Away’ directive to first inform the adult that shooting is a bad thing, then tell the adult to drop the gun or guns on the floor. When the adult complies, he will then be told he is a good citizen and an Obama supervisor will be on scene to remove the firearms permanently and give the adult a gift voucher for approximately 40-60 dollars.
Obama knows that the children are the key to disarming American citizens. By using the kids, he’s getting to the very primal nature of adulthood. You want to do best for your kid, and when the child tells you to “put the gun down for me” you do it.
The kids who successfully disarm the adults will be all rewarded with a presidential letter of thanks directly from the White House and a box of candy.
“Uncle Obama said I could do good so I told my pa to put the AR-15 down and he did. Now I gots me a reward and some candy,” Kris Booney, 12, from Montana told CNN.
The two evangelical churches have been involved in a religious dispute for four years and it finally culminated in a huge gunfight yesterday lasting over five hours and involving thirty officers from the Californian town’s police department.
Residents of the El Encanto area said they saw flashes of muzzles going off and priests in their outfits running and shooting wildly at each other.
“In the name of Jesus, can’t these people stop the shooting for a few minutes already? I need to get to work,” Al Gomez, a janitor at the local High School told local news.
Half way through the shooting, police cars arrived at the scene and tried to stop the two church factions but were instead embroiled in even more gunplay.
Officer Bill Jenkem told WKRTC news: “We eventually stopped the shooting when someone got a model of the Virgin Mary and started walking with it around the church. The priests put their automatic weapons down and started praying to the statue.”
American churches are heavily armed places with one church in Texas even having a 50 calibre anti-aircraft gun emplacement in the car park.
“You live your life on Facebook and give us all of your information to profit from and sell to marketeers and any agency that wants it, so we thought let’s go one step further and profit from your death as well,” Zuckerberg revealed yesterday at the Facebook HQ.
Under the new proposals, for a simple $65 fee, Facebook users will be able to have a nicely made Facebook Obituary page up forever so all Facebookers can check you out for eternity.
“The catch is if you don’t pay the $65 fee before you die, all the emails, back stabbings, unfriended friends, past romances and dirty linen will be put up for everyone to see forever. So you better pay up now folks,” Zuckerberg said before chuckling like a wild Hyena.
The new compulsory Facebook service will be implemented on the site in August 2013.
“We’ve been led to believe we were providing pure solid beef for human beef burgers for years but now they’re saying that horses have been doing it too. Frankly we’re disgusted at the news and refuse to give any more meat until we’re given our rightful place at the dinner table again,” Daisy, a British White cow told the Cow Times.
The widespread use of horse meat in cows was only published yesterday after scientists tested the DNA of numerous high street supermarket beef burgers.
The cows have said they will picket slaughter houses until horse meat is removed from beef burgers.
“It’s just not right innit. If you’ve got a beef burger, you want cow in there, not a f*cking horsey,” Brenda, another striking cow said.
The supreme soviet comrade was seen yesterday on a stage with many soviet children as he urged the soviet American nation’s gun owners to relinquish their weapons so that they can be disarmed and pliant to the 5-year soviet plan of complete collectivist sovietization.
“Comrades, just like other previous comrades and tyrants, I too am using children as a cynical front for my disarmament activities on the U.S. public.
“Unfortunately for me I cannot continue the complete sovietization of America until you are all completely disarmed. We will drip feed this protocol by first banning certain ammunition magazines and certain other dangerous arms. Once this is done, you, the public will not have the same military grade ammunition or weapons as the soviet forces who are readying themselves right now.
“We will then move in for the final ban, which will be a complete outlawing of all arms from the public. As a weakened civilian force due to armament bans, we will thus be able to disarm you quickly and efficiently. There may be a few pockets of resistance but you will not survive the soviet might of the DHS, ATF and other agencies.
“I, as your supreme commander therefore command you henceforth to relinquish your weapons in a peaceful manner or you and your family will eventually be liquidated. We can do this the peaceful way or the not so peaceful way,” comrade Obama said to the sound of cheering soviet children.
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