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Trayvon Zimmerman: American Justice Resolved By Public Pressure

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“It was either mass riots across America and possibly civil war, or putting the guy in prison for thirty odd years. We chose the latter and now we can all rest easy,” public prosecutor, Angela Corey, told an impromptu press conference.

In a great blow for the US justice system, it seems that public pressure and petitions by angry members of the African American community swayed the public prosecutor, Angela Corey, to accept any demands thrown at her in order to avert anymore threats of violence through mass rioting.




George Zimmerman, 28, who was recorded screaming as he was attacked by Trayvon Martin, cited self-defence utilising Florida’s ‘Stand your ground’ law. For doing his job and adhering to the law, he will now go to prison for the rest of his life.

“We had to appease the African Americans. It was either that or indiscriminate violence against white people. We’re actually scared of these people and will do anything they want, including putting them in jobs using racial quotas even though the people employed are probably not qualified to do the job. Try firing one of them! It ain’t ever going to happen,” a scared white man told Fox News before being arrested for speaking up.

Abu Hamza West End Musical Debut a Success

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“It was a beautiful show that made me laugh, brought me to tears, and made me fear for my life all at the same time,” Times theatre critic, Leonard Dillon, reported in his daily column.

The show’s cast were terrified on the night as they endured over four standing ovations by the audience.

“I’ve never seen a show like this before, it was well worth the ticket money, I was captivated hook, line and sinker,” another audience member said.

Hamza and the Amazing Technicolor Suicide Vest

The theme of the musical extravaganza centres around hate preacher Abu Hamza and his cast of fanatical followers in a Finsbury park mosque. Hamza regails the audience with his wild fantasies about bombing the Brits and Yanks, whilst waving his hook around.

“The show’s musical score is beautiful, although the end of the first scene where Hamza drags his hook hand across a chalk board had everyone in the audience shivering. I especially love the end of the final scene where hundreds of pyrotechnic explosions are let off with an almighty mushroom cloud and Abu is extradited to America to spend fifty years in jail,” theatre critic for the Telegraph, Mathew Malcontent, revealed.

The Abu Hamza musical has already been snapped up by a Broadway theatre and will play in New York in September.

Romney Wants to Bring All His Wives to White House

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The Mormon president, as he will be called, is a polygamist with over 200 wives which he keeps in his Utah compound.

“Once Mitt wins the election he will move all his wives in and they will all be known as the First Ladies. We might have to build an extension to the White House as well as a massive Mormon church in the Rose Garden,” one of Romney’s spokesmen, Dean Santoro, told CBS news.

Romney hopes to circumnavigate the current law that bans polygamy by creating a new law un-banning it.

“If I’m the president I can make any law I want, therefore, I will change the law about polygamy and make it legal. A man’s gotta have his slaves, ahem, I mean wives, why should the Muslims be the only one’s having all the fun?” Mr Romney said at a recent news conference.

Comrade Cameron Warns Proles About Thoughtcrime

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Speaking from his dacha in Chipping Norton, Comrade Cameron instructed Commissar May to commence a program of mass surveillance on the people of Britain.

“I have instructed the Commissar for Home Security to begin a program of controlled mass surveillance on all communications available to the proles. This will include all communiques via email, telephone, internet traffic, carrier pigeon or letter writing. All citizens of our great United Soviet EU enclave must adhere to these rules at all times or you will be liquidated. Remember that all your data can also be accessed by council snoopers as well as any government agency that wishes to do so. We will also put all your data forward to the highest bidder, and this will be a nice little money earner for the government.”

Commissar for Home Security, Theresa May said yesterday: “I have been instructed by our supreme leader, Comrade Cameron, to increase surveillance levels on all potential terrorists, i.e. you the population. Everyone is a suspect in Thoughtcrime, and you will be deemed guilty before proven innocent. All you toe rags need shutting up innit. Here, I want you all to enjoy spouting off all your thoughts on the internet because from now on it’s all going to be recorded and filed forever, and used against you whenever we need to, you stupid mugs.”

New Cristina Kirchner Portrait Shows Troubled Soul

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“She looks rather tired. Somewhat miserable and gloomy in the photograph. I just hope she’ll get over this Malvinas business and go back to her plastic surgery sessions. She’s really out of her depth,” Argentinian politician, Augusto Galtieri, told a group of reporters outside the country’s parliament.

Mrs Kirchner, however ignored the advice of the opposition party’s politicians and dug down even deeper with more rhetoric against the people of the Falkland Isles.

“I was just on the phone to my old friend Sean Penn, and he told me that we need to get those Gringos out of our islands. He’ll be on the battleship when we invade Port Stanley. What a brave fella he is. Viva Argentina!”

Disgrace of Met Policeman Who is Not Racist

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In an appalling drunken outburst, PC Thomas Raycehaight, 36, told the Pakistani  ‘glad you’ve come to our wonderful country. You are most welcome here’. The disgraced officer faces the sack for gross misconduct after being convicted of a non racially aggravated comment towards a non-English person.

The Metropolitan police force which prides itself in its institutionally racist organisation is determined to not let this lax of principles by one officer let it down.

“We at the Met are determined to carry on and not let our force be tarnished by one non-racist individual in our ranks. He will be sent back to Hendon immediately for re-training,” police commisioner, Paul Whitewash, told the BBC.

The Met is determined to root out any non-racist officers and will complete an internal investigation into these serious allegations by next month.

Gingrich Uses Wife to Secure More Funding

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“One stare from Newt Gingrich’s wife and people just hand over the cash,” Jerry Sandweiss, Gingrich’s campaign manager, told reporters assembled at a conference hall during a recent fundraising event.

People waited in the audience for Gingrich and his secret weapon to turn up, and a big black curtain was draped over the stage.

“Suddenly there was a noise and we heard the sound of change in a pocket, ching ching, and they raised the curtain. That’s when we saw her and I’m not shitting you people just started to cringe, one man had an embolism right next to me and fell to the ground with blood tricking from his ear holes and eyes, another man screamed so loud it hurt, you know like a high pitched gonad scream, he didn’t care, he emptied his pockets in less than thirty seconds. We all handed over our money, our wallets, cards and dignity,” a distraught Gingrich campaign funder told CBS news on Friday.

According to reports, Gingrich’s wife is so potent that her stare can make milk curdle, and when she speaks in her high pitched pig squealy voice, people literally have their eardrums perforated on the spot.

“People will do anything to get away from that. I’ve seen some even pledge college funds or house payments. Gingrich is going to win this race anyway he can do it. Kudos to him, he’s now the richest candidate on the field, leaving even rich boy Romney in the dust,” an election observer told the New York Times.

UK Family Outcasts After Not Swindling Benefits System For Thousands

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The family has been effectively ostracised from their estate and had to flee with their lives, after actually working and not sponging off the government with benefits scams.

“This is a very sad state of affairs. This family are a detriment to our society, they have shamed themselves by being self sufficient and actually working for a living. It’s disgusting that such a thing could happen. We need to hunt them down and make an example of them. One of them is actually partially disabled as well and not on Incapacity,” an angry resident of the Grubly sink estate in Scunthorpe’s Grimspit neighborhood, told reporters of the Daily Mail newspaper.

A national manhunt is underway for the family and there are even calls for deportation.

In the UK state funded aid is a normal way of life with benefits officers falling over themselves to give people thousands of pounds in state aid.

“I haven’t worked in years. I’ve got 3D 5K TVs in each room of my four bedroom end of terrace stucco mansion. I get £4,500 per week in benefits and never have to pay any tax or NHS, gym, cinema. We get a car allowance of £26,500 per year and my eight kids get free safari trips to Kenya, all on the taxpayer, except there ain’t many of those around anymore, innit,” Julia Mucker, 46, told the Sun newspaper.

Living on benefits does certainly have benefits, especially when you can take three holidays in a year, enjoy the rolling hills of Umbria in Italy, or the beaches of the Cayman Islands.

“We just got back from our usual jaunt down to Tuscany. We hired a villa there and stayed for two months. The wine is fabulous, really special stuff, but we brought our cans of Specialbrew because me and the kids wanted to get totally mullered,” Mrs Mucker added.

Illegal Obama Wonder Drug Hits the Streets of America

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“This new drug is amazing. It gives you the sharpest, best high you can ever imagine in the beginning, but the downside is the low after the very short high. The come down from the drug can take literally months or even years and can cause depression, anxiety and pain. It’s not worth it folks, please leave this drug alone, it is devastating to one’s moral and mood,” a senior drug administrator for the FDA told the Boston Times.

No one knows where the Obama drug came from and how it has infiltrated the United States but some say it could have come from the East Africa region, near Kenya.

“In all my years in the FDA I’ve never seen a drug this bad. It fools people with an amazing high. You’ll never get that back ever because once you get the Obama high at the beginning, it’s downhill all the way from there. That is the killer right there, people can’t take that. They go nuts,” another FDA agent reported.

According to the FBI these Obama tablets have flooded the streets of America and are set to cause chaos and disorder soon unless something is done.

Either way, this is a bitter pill to swallow for those who have had the misfortune to encounter these Obama pills.

Think Tank: UK to Avoid Recession During Great Depression

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The Fiscal Unitary Central Keynsian Economic Disequilibrium (FUCKED) think-tank, estimated the economy scraped growth of minus 2.8pc in the first three months of the year.

If that proves to be the case, the UK avoided dipping out of the perpetual great depression, following a 1.6pc fall in gross domestic product in the fourth quarter of 2011.

John Maynard, senior research fellow at FUCKED, said: “Effectively we have avoided a technical recession which is obviously welcome but does not change the fact that we are still in a major economic great depression that does not seem to ever want to end.

“As long as you have idiots in charge like the Chancellor George Osborne, there will never be any growth in the UK ever again. He needs to reduce VAT to 14%; reduce business and corporation tax, invite worldwide companies to do business in the UK again, reduce fuel duty by 40%, reduce stamp duty by 10%, and order the banks to lend to business.”

FUCKED’s figures point to the fact that the UK economy is actually still pretty fucked and will be for some time to come.