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Iran Claims to Have Sent Monkey into Space That Returned Back to Earth Intact

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The rocket launch was seen by many on Iranian state television and the Iranian national anthem was played alongside the footage.

“We debated whether the monkey should come back to earth, but it was finally decided that it would be cruel to just shoot it into space with no return,” Ahmed Dinajaket, one of the engineers on the project revealed.

The monkey was said to have returned ‘intact’, an achievement the Iranians celebrated as an advance in a missile and space programme that has given the West and Israel cause for concern.

The monkey was said to have been sent up in a Kavoshgar rocket that climbed to a height of more than 75 miles before returning.

Republicans and Democrats Involved in Capitol Hill Shootout

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The shooting started at 12 noon and continued until 11 pm with only a half hour coffee break in between.

“We saw Feinstein unload rounds like they were popcorn kernels in the direction of the Republicans, who were hiding behind parked cars in the street. Then House speaker John Boehner was shooting back with his semi automatic Glocks and a 12 bore. I never seen anything like it,” a frightened bystander revealed to CNN.

Because Capitol Hill is the seat of the U.S. government, no police intervened and were instead called off by senate officials.

The Republicans tried to gain the upper hand in the shoot out by introducing a Gatling gun into the fight but quickly ran out of ammo as the Democrat team flanked them from the outside shooting at them with an assortment of military grade firearms.

By mid afternoon the shell casings were knee deep in the street as the intermittent fire continued.

“Eric and Dianne were leading the Democrat charge, and when Obama and Biden turned up, all hell broke loose. Obama was packing an M16 and two 44 magnums in holsters while Biden had an Uzi 9mm and a Steyr AUG,” Dean Saunders, a reporter for Reuters said.

Queen Wants to Build Buckingham Palace II on Falkland Isles

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There have been mass riots and demonstrations against Britain in Argentina after the Queen announced the new Buckingham Palace 2 plans yesterday.

“How dare the British Imperialist Queen build a palace on the Malvinas,” an angry Cristina Kirchner told crowds in Buenes Aires.

According to architects commissioned by the royal family, the new palace will be an exact replica of the one on the Mall but have additional gun emplacements and missile silos on the turrets.

The project will cost a whopping £350 million mainly because of the transportation costs of the building materials and is set to be completed by 2019.

Apple May Try to Resurrect Steve Jobs to Save Stock Price

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With no major innovative products coming along any time soon, the stock price has been falling off a cliff with over $80 billion being lost since October 2012.

“Steve was Apple, and when he passed away so did the company. This new CEO has no charisma, no forward vision and no frickin’ balls. We need to find a way to resurrect Steve Jobs,” an anonymous Apple employee revealed yesterday.

Apple boffins have thus been given the task of bringing the dead Steve Jobs back to life.

“We thought we could somehow hook him up to the grid, you know like Frankenstein or in his case Frankenapple. He can then tell us what products to bring out next and what to do,” Apple CEO Tim Cook told Tech Crunch news.

Another Apple employee said: “As long as that wooden sitcom actor Ashton Kutcher is not involved in anything, that’s a bonus.”

Monkeys Actually Study Scientists Say Scientists

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“We’ve got one fella, his name is Dimples. He came up to me the other day and looked me up and down. I actually got angry and got my clipboard and told him I was the one doing the studying here. He grabbed my clipboard, looked it over then ticked a few boxes himself,” Dr. Werner Harsog, told Science Today magazine.

Some scientists feel very intimidated by the behaviour and have formed a group Scientists Against Monkey Stares (SAMS) which now has a huge following of over 2,000 scientists worldwide.

“The monkeys come up to you and prod you as if they’re testing your reaction. I even had one open my mouth and check my teeth the cheeky bugger,” another scientist revealed.

World Entering New Post Antibiotic Dawn

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If you ever wanted to know what it was like to live in a pre-19th century world you may be unpleasantly surprised soon enough because it seems that antibiotics are being made redundant as worldwide diseases catch up to them and increase their immunity.

Unfortunately for the humans, it is their overuse of antibiotics with factory farming and medicine that has proliferated this shift in immunity.

The post-antibiotic age will be one where the simplest of operations turn deadly. If one is infected by a drug resistant bacteria or disease, there is nothing medical science can do for you unless they find new versions of antibiotics, which take many years to develop.

The human plague has spread across the earth and shown scant regard for the environment, pumping poisons into the air and ground, mining the resources, and killing the natural vegetation and animals.

Human society is one of mechanisation, of technique to reduce the work load of the lazy, talking, carbon life form.

“We build concrete jungles over the original green ones, we bulldoze over everything then people start talking about how they want to save the environment. Bullsh*t, these same people who are now talking about carbon credits are the ones who built the factories and they’re the ones who started the wars, and they’re the ones who started the system of money in the first f*cking place. They’re telling you that they used you to work in their factories and tear up the earth until they got to a certain technological stage but now you, as a consumerist worker, are not needed any more. You are polluting the environment simply by existing,” a man from a concrete jungle somewhere revealed.

Nature always finds a way of dealing with imbalances, and unfortunately for the earth, it is in dire straits at the moment.

Sooner or later all of the bureaucracy, the files, the papers, the regulations and laws created by the humans will be as useless as the antibiotics. The drug resistant cases of Gonorrhoea or Syphilis, or whatever bacteria or virus, however will not be as kind to us as our host earth has been.

The post consumerist age is being introduced covertly by the one world government, and the human population is in grave danger because they will never know if the virus that may very well be unleashed is modified by the controlling hierarchy or created by nature itself.

 What will be borne from the corpses of the previous human infestation will be a much cleaner efficient scientific technological system, with a very limited and select population.

Prince Charles is certainly worried about the runaway population and he would like it reduced by at least 80-90% as do most of the hierarchy. By promoting abortions, contraception and sterilization, there may be inroads in reducing the populations, as well as reducing the quality of human food of its nutritional value and adding certain chemicals into everything like Bisphenol A, aspartame, fluoride, to reduce fertility or cause cancer. The elite have declared open warfare on the general population yet they do not even realise it, as the mobile phone masts, wifi waves and mercury light bulbs seep their poison into the bodies of the tax cash cows. Over generations, fertility will drop to lower levels making it hard for any breeding amongst the general populace. Of course, the only ones who will be allowed to breed will be the priviliged elite, or select few who control the eugenics programs.

Humans have been here for a millisecond in earth’s history and their legacy is one of disregard, torture, destruction and ultimately evil, that is unless something is done soon enough.

George Osborne: “Would You Like a Triple Dip With That Great Depression?”

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The theme of the new restaurants will be one of a dungeon where patrons enter and order their food whilst being whipped incessantly by tax collectors. You will then be given a menu with only two things on it, a triple dip mush plate, or a quadruple dip plate. You will be asked to accept huge price rises on the items you order and if you don’t accept that, you will be whipped until your back bleeds even further,” a gleeful looking Chancellor announced today at a champagne filled private dinner.

The menu in the new taxpayer funded restaurant will also include a drink called a Great Depression. No one knows the ingredients but some think it is made from bootleg vodka distilled by Eastern European gangsters from Grimsby, Northern England.

“There is one f*cking bonus for you all. With your Triple Dip mush plate you can drink our Great Depression vodka which contains high levels of industrial alcohol, not meant for human consumption and if you’re lucky you may lose all powers of speech and sight. Then once that happens, we slap another tax on you and kick you out the door without so much as a piffling thank you. And don’t forget to leave a tip you filthy taxpaying swine piece of sh*t bastard,” One of Osborne’s deputies said yesterday.

Starbucks Store Inside Starbucks Store Could Fit Two or Three More Starbucks Stores Says CEO

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“The new stores will have Starbucks Extra stores within the Starbucks store, and once you’re in the Starbucks Extra store you can take an elevator up to the second floor which will have a Starbucks Extra Extra store. Of course none of these establishments will pay any UK corporation taxation but that’s neither here nor there,” CEO Johnsons Milkpaddle, said from the company’s Seattle HQ offices.

The new Starbucks stores will create more poorly paid low wage jobs in the UK to sell the overpriced syrup drinks.

Prince Charles Selling Horse Burgers From Sandringham

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“I don’t want to be all hoof about this but the French have been eating horse for centuries. I eat horse every night myself, so I had a little thought in my study the other night, why not extend my Duchy range to horse meat burgers? There’s certainly a taste for it as the British people have been eating it, unknowingly I admit, for decades. They never complained once, even when they were told what they were eating,” the Prince of Wales said from the sprawling estate.

So next time you’re at a Polo game after a chukka or two, you might spy a few burgers there trotting around on the grill. Don’t worry they won’t gallop away because they’re horse burgers and dead as an errant twitch in Philip’s underpants.

French Rotten Eggs Stench Reaches UK

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“I ‘ave arrivee in the UK pour le 50% tax as opposed to le 75% tax,” Mr Sarkozy told the BBC news service on Tuesday.

Mr Bling Bling as he is affectionately known in France, may also be fleeing le fraud charges from his own country.

Mr Sarkozy will be accompanied by his lovely plasticened wife Carla Bruni, who is sure to liven up the rather droll party circuit in London.

The former French president once proclaimed that there were too many foreigners in France, looks like he’s the Johnny foreigner now.