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Is This the Most Pleasant N. Korean USA Attack Video Ever?

Lisa Greene
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Is This the Most Pleasant N. Korean USA Attack Video Ever?

According to communist officials in North Korea, a missile attack on the United States would be a pleasant affair that would make the world a better place.

“I’m not sure if Michael Jackson would have approved to see one of his beloved world peace songs being used by the 30-year-old North Korean leader Kim Jong-un to demonstrate the destruction he hopes to inflict on the United States some time in the future?” a U.S state department official said today.

An internet user from America said today: “At least it’s not a Gangnam style video from South Korea. I actually prefer this North Korean one instead.”

 

Lying Politician Caught

Lisa Greene
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0
Lying Politician Caught

The politician’s creed is one of denying everything even if you are up against the firing squad, however, if your own progeny outs you as a liar, then you are shit out of luck.

Chris Huhne, is a liar, but he is a politician and he should not be punished for what politicians do. Now that a politician has been uncovered as a liar, there may be consequences for other politicians, and this could be a very dangerous can of worms to open.

“Chris Huhne is a liar, but so is every politician. I think it is certainly a bit rich to give him a hard time when all politicians in the British parliament and around the world are liars. This is the first rule you learn in any parliament, lying is part of being in the political business of lies. If you don’t lie, you get fucked, if you do lie and get caught, you’re fucked but you nearly got away with it and you bloody well tried your best. Deny everything is the creed of all politicians. The scum public should never know that,” a Westminster insider revealed today.

Do not punish politicians for doing their jobs.

Tories Revolt at Cameron Animal Marriage Proposals

Lisa Greene
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0
Tories Revolt at Cameron Animal Marriage Proposals

Prime Minister David Cameron and his deputy, Nick Clegg are steaming ahead with proposals to legalise animal-human marriage in the UK, after the gay marriage law was legalised last week.

Currently the laws in Britain forbid any forms of Bestiality but things could change soon enough as people will be allowed to marry their chosen animals, the Home Office has announced.

“We have had proposals from Number10 that they want to have animal marriages for the UK. I suppose if one is to allow gay marriages in places of worship, there should not be any reason to forbid animal marriages between humans and beasts,” a Whitehall administrator revealed.

The new White Paper sets out a timetable for introducing the new Bestiality Marriage laws in England.

In Scotland and Wales, it has been legal to marry farm animals for hundreds of years so there will not be any need for law changes there.

The Conservative party is however split down the middle with the new animal marriage proposals, as one side likes a good duck house f*ck session and the other does not.

Labour’s Ed Balls weighed in yesterday by saying he’s always enjoyed his regular balls deep farm yard trips to Norfolk and fully supports the new animal marriage laws.

Prince Harry to do Third Tour of Las Vegas

Lisa Greene
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0
Prince Harry to do Third Tour of Las Vegas

“It’s back to snorting vodka shots, naked pics of my ginger nuts and $30,000 per night suites with lines of coke on the plexi-glass tables and plenty of totty to take pics of me to distribute all over the social networks,” the errant prince told local Las Vegas news outlets on Thursday.

It’s business as usual for prince Harry. Expect to see loads of photos of the naked prince humping Vegas bimbos and trying to hide under a scuffed straw hat in the pool.

His third tour of Las Vegas should last another 48 hours before the palace shuts the whole thing down again.

“I’m worried for Harry but I am sure he’s going to go all in and do us proud,” Prince Charles said yesterday. Harry’s dad was said to proud of his son too, and extended his good wishes to his son.

Good luck prince Harry on your third tour of Las Vegas from the Squib team.

Indian Bus Driver Just Wants to Drive You Around Delhi

Lisa Greene
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0
Indian Bus Driver Just Wants to Drive You Around Delhi

“I just pick people up, they pay me a fare and then when they get to their stop, they get off,” Ranjit Muktar, has told the India Times newspaper.

Mr Muktar‘s bus route takes him across New Delhi which is a huge sprawling traffic filled city, and at no time does he get the urge to phone his mates for a gang raping session on the buses.

“As I said earlier, I do the driving, then when the bus stops I make sure people get on and off without problems. I nearly hit a cow the other day, but thankfully it moved away just in time.”

The Indian bus driver has come under fire from other bus drivers for his non-raping activities but is adament that he will carry on with driving a bus through the streets of Delhi.

Chandra Gupta, a bus driver from Delhi’s main bus depot said: “He is giving us Delhi bus drivers a bad name by not raping.”

Traces of ‘Cow Meat’ Found in British Burgers

Lisa Greene
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3
Traces of ‘Cow Meat’ Found in British Burgers

Food and farming minister David Heath said: “Obviously somewhere along the line the burgers were contaminated with cow meat. This is highly unnacceptable and heads will roll for this.

He added: “This is an absolutely unacceptable situation and to think for one second that an ounce of cow meat got into a burger full of horse, donkey, raccoon, skunk, pork, giraffe, jackal, rat, cat and dog meat makes me sick to the core.“

Alfie Nocks, a factory worker, 42, from Hartlepool was disgusted at the news: “When I heard off the telly that the burgers I been eating had cow meat in ’em I chundered over the missus. Everything else mate, but not cow, innit!”

All burgers in the UK have now been recalled as of yesterday.

Government Running Out of Things to Tax

Lisa Greene
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0
Government Running Out of Things to Tax

“We tax pretty much everything in the UK, and not only that we’re bringing out over 200 regulations and laws per day,” a Whitehall source revealed yesterday.

As well as adding new taxes the government is also increasing established tax taxation levels daily.

“You can’t fart in this Stasi country without being taxed,” a retired grave digger, Al Burriya, 75, from Grimsdale, Yorkshire, told the Sun before being taxed for grumbling.

There are now calls to tax taxation itself, although this could prove quite complicated for accountants and anyone doing their own tax returns.

“By actually taxing taxation itself, we can increase revenues to the Treasury by 64% per annum, therefore the tax you already pay, will be taxed at the standard 34% rate and we may even tax the tax of the tax at a further 28% depending on the prior taxation rate of that tax period,” a shady character from the Inland Revenue revealed.

Serbian PM Practices a George Osborne Grin

Lisa Greene
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0
Serbian PM Practices a George Osborne Grin

“The British Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne looks like that all the time, whereas it took a Sharon Stonesque gratuitous leg stretch from a knickerless woman to do the same for the Serbian PM,” a news editor for the Serbian show, Beaver Balkans, told the BBC.

Another Serbian politician commented: “Maybe our Serb PM saw the face of old Slobo down there, because both of them are c*nts.”

A Belgrade butcher, Igor Slabbo, 45, who was watching the show, said: “If Serbia is not ready to join the EU after that performance, I don’t know who is?”

Stocks Surge By 0.003% Again

Lisa Greene
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0
Stocks Surge By 0.003% Again

“We definitely feel that the recovery is happening right now as we speak,” a Hedge Fund manager told Reuters.

Traders at the New York Stock Exchange were just as excited as everyone else.

“Someon’e buying this shit, don’t know who but hey, who am I to complain?” a trader said with a big smile on his face.

By the closing bell, the S&P had at one point increased by 0.0004% on the day’s trading but pulled back a little.

“Same thing tomorrow but it might go down a little then up a bit, or even stay kind of flat,” another trader quipped.

Murdoch: “Don’t You Dare Tell the Truth Mr Scarfe”

Lisa Greene
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3
Murdoch: “Don’t You Dare Tell the Truth Mr Scarfe”

This may be one of the questions Rupert Murdoch may want to answer after silencing the genius of satirical illustrator Gerald Scarfe.

Scarfe’s brand of Juvenalian satire sometimes cuts a little too close to the bone for the insidious seedy controllers who run the mainstream media.

“What I want to know is how on earth did the Sunday Times get to run that Scarfe Palestinian cartoon, especially on Holocaust day, and most of all on a Murdoch publication? Will heads roll? Most certainly they will, or probably have,” an anonymous source within the Times Group revealed.

Naturally, because of Murdoch’s parentage, he is staunchly tied to the motherland and it is quite troubling that he did not see the Scarfe cartoon beforehand. Besides tweeting about the ‘Jewish controlled media’ maybe Mr Murdoch needs to take a closer look on his own media?

“We certainly cannot have any form of criticism of the Israelis or Jewish culture in any form and if you do, you are anti-semitic. It is one law for us Jews, because after all we are the chosen race, and another law for the rest of the dogs, gentiles, shiksas, goyim, monkeys and other lower life forms,” Binyamin Netanyahu said from the Israeli Knesset.

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