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Home Blog Page 660

Shamed Kristen Stewart Has Joined Nunnery on Isle of Skye

World

August 25, 2012

Shamed Kristen Stewart Has Joined Nunnery on Isle of Skye

“Kristen is so ashamed of herself that she may take many years of silent prayer to atone for her myriad of sins. She is so terribly ashamed that she has shaved her hair completely and has not uttered a single word since her break up with her former Twilight co-star and lover R-Patz,” her agent disclosed from Beverly Hills.

The Sister’s Sanctum nunnery is situated 12 miles from Portree near Trotternish.

The nuns who live and work at the convent do not care that Kristen used to be a Hollywood star and have welcomed her with open arms.

“She will pray in the morning, then we take food, eating in total silence. Daily chores are given to each sister, then more prayer. We also grow all of our own food and once a week we go to town to help the people any way we can,” Sister Mary told the BBC.

Twilight fans worldwide accepted her fate and are said to be warming to her once more after the major trauma of the last month or so.

New Eco Car Runs On Coal

Sci/Tech

Phyllis Drugme

August 25, 2012

“Forget about lithium batteries and electricity, coal power is where it’s at. It’s cheap, efficient and even though there is a little smoke, it’s no big deal,” Erik Marchioness, CEO for e-Coal Systems LLC. told Wired magazine in a recent interview.

According to Mr Marchioness, the year 2020 will be full of coal powered cars trundling down America’s freeways puffing away into the sky.

“Forget about oil, look at coal, it’s cheap, we got tonnes of it and you can achieve a top speed of 45 miles per hour with it. Heck, if you put more in the burner, you can achieve 60 mph going downhill. This is the future because oil is gone, it’s outta here. Forget about dealing with the Arabs, once their oil is gone they’re going to go back to sheep herding, because there will be nothing left for them. The years 2020-30 will be a crucial decade when we as humanity make some pretty scary decisions. Do we want to be powered by the oily stuff, or really expensive fuel cells, or coal? I say coal, and I know humanity will embrace coal so that we can finally say goodbye to oil dependency,” the CEO added.

Prototypes of the coal powered vehicles have already been published and it seems each coal powered vehicle will have it’s own coal truck and water tank. Running costs will be reduced by as much as 80%, and even though running a horse and cart would be cheaper still, at least coal powered vehicles will be able to achieve relatively high speeds, although cornering on tight bends in the road will be more dangerous when hauling a coal truck, or going up hill.

“These vehicles are essentially steam powered by coal. You can imagine what a Monday morning commute will be like, you will be lucky to see the f*cking road and go into work with a black face. Do we really want more polluting hunks of metal clogging up our roads even more? No, and I say to Mr Marchioness, you sir are a prize idiot. What else are you going to propose, steam powered submarines?” a critic of e-Coal Systems told a US government sponsored meeting on eco vehicles of the future.

The debate is on, are coal powered vehicles really the future after world oil reserves have finally be depleted. These are exciting times ahead.

Prince Harry Could Have Benefits Cut

World

Phyllis Drugme

August 23, 2012

Prince Harry’s chav credentials have been confirmed by his spokesman.

Prince Harry’s spokesman, Lawrence Granger, made a statement on behalf of the prince, who is in hiding at the moment after nude photographs were published of the prince yesterday: “The prince is very sorry for the hurt he has caused his family, the army and his late mother. Prince Harry has blamed his crazy antics on many factors. He is a product of a broken home, his family are living off taxpayers and he has grown up on estates all his life. He has also spent time in institutions which have made the problems worse.”

The Prime Minister, David Cameron has suggested that Prince Harry could have his benefits cut if he does not pull his weight and get a job or carry on with his Job Seekers program.

“We are monitoring Prince Harry’s case very closely, and we feel that he needs some serious help to get out of his chavvy ways. I am suggesting a taxpayer funded safari trip for young offenders could get him on the right track and also community service, which could give him a sense of responsibility and civic duty. We must try and instill some decent values in this miscreant, and I’m willing to hug the hoody, or should I say hug the Harry. Chavs like him need care and attention and not aggressive methods of rehabilitation. If you get too harsh with them they riot, as happened last summer,” Mr Cameron told Radio 4’s Politics program today.

The defiant prince ignored pleas to change his ways today by buying up a souped up Seat Leon Cupra with 54 inch rims, undercar lighting, tinted windows, a 50 inch diameter exhaust and a sound system that can make a corgi explode all over the upholstery.

Athens Last Chance on Last Chance on Last Chance

World

Phyllis Drugme

August 23, 2012

Athens Last Chance on Last Chance on Last Chance

“This is the last chance of the last chance saloon in the last chance of the last chance within a massive last chance,” Mr Juncker said yesterday after meeting Greek PM Antonis Samaras.

The Greek Prime Minister was in jovial mood as he was given yet another last chance: “The Germans have given us another chance within another chance, of course we had another chance last week, and the week before that too. They have given us one chance after another. Stupid krauts are giving us another chance, what a bunch of suckers.”

The Greek last chance show will be repeated every few months for the next twenty to thirty years so don’t miss the last chance on the Greek euro question for another chance to catch the last chance.

Prince Harry Has Lost His Nazi Uniform Again

World

Phyllis Drugme

August 22, 2012

Prince Harry Has Lost His Nazi Uniform Again

“Over and over we tell him to keep his Nazi uniform on but here he is again photographed without it frolicking in the nude. Oh dear Prince Harry, what on earth are we going to do with you?” James Albright, a royal palace spokesman was recorded as saying today by the Daily Telegraph.

Prince Harry also lost his trusty swastika arm band and another one will have to be made up for him when he gets back to Blighty.

“You know these Germans, any chance to take off the old Nazi gear and get stuck in strafing some Yankee bint with his Stuka,” a royal commentator told the BBC today.

Meanwhile, back in Balmoral, Prince Philip was said to be incandescent with rage at the news the young prince had lost his uniform once again.

Todd Akin Was Legitimately Raped in Disabled Mall Toilet

World

Phyllis Drugme

August 22, 2012

Todd Akin Was Legitimately Raped in Disabled Mall Toilet

“I was legitimately raped in the ass by a big black man called Bubba. My emotions saved me though and I released a hormone so I won’t get AIDS,” Mr Akin said from his hospital bed.

The Senate hopeful will be released from hospital tomorrow and will continue his campaigning for the Republican party.

“If you have a belief in Jesus and you get raped, God releases emotions and hormones that stop bad things happening to you. My belief is the same if women are raped and the body releases a hormone and their emotions stop the sperm. It’s all true because I read it in the bible damn it,” Mr Akin added before rolling his eyes and getting back to his bible study.

Doctors today confirmed that Mr Akin has been legitimately infected with HIV.

Romney Will Send Bust of Karl Marx Back When Obama Leaves White House

World

Phyllis Drugme

August 20, 2012

Romney Will Send Bust of Karl Marx Back When Obama Leaves White House

As soon as Obama won the presidency in 2009 he walked into the White House and ordered the removal of the bust of Winston Churchill, which former president George W Bush had looked at every day of his presidency. Mr Obama replaced the Churchill bust with that of Karl Marx, who he holds in high regard, more so than the British bulldog, Churchill, who fought and won against the Nazis in World War II.

“Barack Hussein Obama sent the Winston Churchill bust back to England where it came from. He couldn’t even look at it in the face. He was practically spitting at that thing because it stood for everything he hated. Freedom and democracy. That is something that makes Obama wince, plus he hates the Brits so much he gets angry at the mere mention of Britain. They hurt his family in Kenya, where he was born, and he will never forget that,” Ellen Shapiro, a White House aide told CNN.

Mitt Romney, however has vowed to restore Churchill to his rightful place, and he will get that Karl Marx statue and send it back to where it came from.

“Obama has created so much debt for our nation that even if every American paid 100% income tax for the next thirty years, there is no way we could ever pay the interest alone on our national debt. This is what we have to work with here. He has effectively ruined America three hundred times over with his reckless spending and he knows what he’s done. I’m going to take the Karl Marx bust and get it melted down, then mould it into the ultimate symbol of capitalism, a can of coke. Barack can have that. When I get into the White House, we’re going to get back into making money, that’s what America is good for and I want all y’all citizens to join me in getting rich. Obama made everyone poor, apart from the public sector workers. Well, under my way, we’re all going to be rich. I’m a business man. I make money, and I want to make so much money that it lifts the stock markets up, the world economy jumps up and we get out of this stinking socialist mess. So what if I’m a Mormon, shit lets get rich fuckers!” Mitt Romney said whilst touring Wisconsin on Friday.

It seems that Americans have two choices come November. Either going for economic riches or poverty.

Now the Olympics Are Over Let’s Get Back to the Recession

Business

Phyllis Drugme

August 20, 2012

Now the Olympics Are Over Let’s Get Back to the Recession

“Don’t want to be a f*cking killjoy or anything but we couldn’t afford the f*cking Olympics. We already have a massive deficit and spending is going through the roof. We’re not in a double dip recession but a prolonged depression. People are starving in the streets of the East End, and you’ve got a big smile on your face you irresponsible c*nt? So what if you got a gold medal, what’s that going to do? Nothing! Is the gold medal going to pay for the deficit, the millions of people on the dole, the thousands of asylum seekers walking into this country every hour of the day? Is the gold medal going to pay for the millions of pounds wasted on useless government initiatives, the civil servant pensions, the council bosses, the pensions black hole, the care bills, the fuel bills, the council tax bills, the NEETS, the chavs? What about the thousands of pram faces walking the streets dropping babies like f*cking sweeties so that they can grow up and be benefit scroungers just like their mums?” a man from Stratford, told a London radio station.

Luckily for George Osborne, there is a chink of light at the end of the tunnel. More taxation should solve the stranglehold over the economy and is just the medicine needed.

“The Chancellor is doing a stellar job of increasing taxation to such levels that Britain grinds to a complete halt. This is a great way of stimulating the economy so that no one can do business and people are punished for working. When we have 87% tax on fuel, and huge VAT costs, as well as repressive stamp duty, this basically stifles the economy to a level that kills growth. You cannot grow in an oppressive environment like the one George Osborne has created. It is impossible for the UK’s economy to grow when everything is taken away from the worker. In Britain, one has to work for eleven and a half months purely to make any money for himself. The rest of the time, the money goes straight to taxes and bills. This is what it is like living in George Osborne’s Britain,” another radio listener said on Sunday night.

Pussy Riot Girls Holding Daily Squib Writers Ransom

World

Phyllis Drugme

August 20, 2012

Pussy Riot Girls Holding Daily Squib Writers Ransom

The British version of the Pussy Riot Girls have invaded the Daily Squib offices. I am currently writing this article from under a table in the office and a Pussy Riot Girl just stepped on my leg. Ouch that hurt. They say they are invading the Daily Squib offices because we are the only media outlet left in the UK that tells the truth. They say that they want to relay a message to all Pussy Riot Girls around the world to rise up and cause Pussy Mayhem. The liberation of the Great Pussy in the Sky will help all Pussy Riot Girls to rise up against Anti-Pussy Tyranny just like that big macho thug Putin is doing to the Russian Pussy Riot Girls I have just been told to write.

We have had Pussy Riot Girls subdue a few Squib writers, by means of wrapping their thighs around our heads and squeezing hard. Our sub-sub-editor, John Thomas was knocked out this morning when a Pussy Riot Girl used her Pussy Riot Technique to stop the blood going to his head, which one we’re not sure of but he is still out for the count. He is now recovering in the photocopy room with a Pussy Riot Girl standing over him with her knee high boots positioned over his testicles just in case he makes any sudden moves.

We are appealing for help for the Pussy Riot Girls. We are not against you and will write whatever you want. Ouch. \jsvkkjvsjkvbsbjvksbjks sdji

A Pussy Riot Girl just stood on my fingers. The Pussy Riot girls are demanding the release of the Russian Pussy Riot Girls from prison immediately. Putin you monkey faced botox freak..you better release the Russian Pussy Riot Girls immediately.

Please help!!! A Pussy Riot Girl just put her thighs around my ,s,shh ss sdishdui idhuiuhsd hudsuhi dudhhdhd sisisdddd…………..

Aspartame Drip Can Reduce Sugar Cravings

Health

Phyllis Drugme

August 20, 2012

Aspartame Drip Can Reduce Sugar Cravings

“Everyone who has a constant aspartame drip administering high dosage levels at all times will not have any problems with sugar cravings,” Doctor Arnold Kovalic, told NBC news about the new program.

According th the medical journal in which the new treatment was published, the aspartame drips will be portable and able to be transported with the patient wherever they go.

“As long as you don’t take it down a water slide you should be OK but there are some people who could not handle going down a water slide without craving a bucketful of glazed donuts,” Dr Kovalic added.

The Department of Health has already put in an order for millions of the drips and soon America could be overflowing with people walking around dragging a drip.

“You ever seen Day of the Walking Dead? That’s what it will be like. You got these fat obese people ambling around with vacant looks in their eyes, a drip in one arm and a cell phone in the other clicking away. This is modern America folks, get used to it,” a critic of the aspartame treatment told Reuters news agency.

Currently low doses of aspartame used in most foods in America are a major cause of cancer.