Speaking from the Soviet East Wing, Comrade Obama, Supreme commander of the American Soviet Nation spoke of his triumph at beating the vile capitalists and Tsarist GOP guard.
“Comrades! The American election war has been raging for more than eighteen months and I have triumphed over the capitalist swine Romney. He wanted to bring in wealth for business and prosperity for Americans, he was beaten thanks to my core voters on welfare and food stamps, as well as the disenfranchised illegal immigrants. And as each month, as each day of my Soviet reign goes by, it becomes clearer and clearer to the masses of the workers that I am here to instill the one and only system that is viable, the communist socialistic system which will redistribute wealth from the rich to the poor and finally defeat the capitalist deception. It is becoming more evident every day that this is a war between capitalists, between big robbers, who are quarrelling over the loot, each striving to obtain the largest share, the largest number of citizens to plunder, and the largest number of comrades to suppress and enslave.
“It may sound incredible, especially to some comrades, but it is nevertheless true that in America, also, not only bloody Republicans, not only the capitalists, but also a section of the so-called or ex-Socialists say that America is fighting a ‘war of defence,’ that America must prevail against these capitalistic evil money-makers. We must avenge the appalling sufferings of the masses, out of the blood of the proletariat and rise forth, march forward, and onwards to relinquish our true heritage of communism and collectivism. I will use repetition at all times to repeat the Soviet message. I will also implement a broad program of political correctness to shut down all forms of free speech in Soviet America. Remember comrades, that we are listening to every word you say at all times and you or any member of your family can be taken away at any time. I have also implemented a reward program for any citizen that reports another citizen, whether they are your mother, father, sister, brother or friend. You will be rewarded for reporting them to your local American Stasi officer who will take the offender away to a re-education institution.
“In America, before the beginning of my reign as Supreme Commander, the workers’ deputies in the Senate waged a determined revolutionary struggle against the Republicans. Five workers’ deputies—Pelosi, Biden, Holder, Bernanke and Geithner—distributed revolutionary manifestos against the Republicans and energetically carried on revolutionary agitation. GOP ordered the arrest of those five deputies, put them on trial, and sentenced them to lifelong exile in Alaska. For months the leaders of the working class of America have been pining in Alaska; but their cause has not gone under; their work is being continued by the class-conscious workers all over America who unvoted me in for a second term. Thankfully our devoted comrades are back in our arms today and have survived exile to continue the fight for the Soviet American Dream.
“Comrades! You have heard my speeches about the workers’ revolutionary struggle against capitalism. I merely want to quote one other example from my Obamacare pathway to complete communism. We will prevail against the evil of capitalism in America. We will order our Bolshevik warriors, our proletariat workers, our comrades in arms to instill true socialism in America. There will be no property ownership, we will all rent from the state. There will be no private health care, the state will provide it all. There will be no private education, the state will command that you are educated in the correct way. There will be no more private business because the state will own everything. The only thing Americans have to worry about now is how long you are going to queue for your cabbage soup. And last of all comrades, you will hand over your weapons to our Stasi officials who I have also instructed to listen to your every communication and watch you at all times. Remember that under our Soviet American Dream, we cannot have anyone who is not part of the state to be armed. Thank you for your cooperation in this small matter.”
The assembled crowd in the White House Soviet Wing all erupt in loud applause shouting “Hail Obama” and “There is only one comrade, Obama”.