Starving Americans Get Urgent Food Aid

GEORGIA - USA - Starving American citizens were given urgent food assistance by the United Nations World Food Programme on Friday.

“We got people who ain’t eaten for weeks here. They threw some grain into the crowd and there were people eating that shit up like it was waffles with maple syrup. I never seen anything like it. We like a Third World nation,” Lashonta Jackson, 43, a starving woman in the crowd recalled afterwards.

Hundreds of people stampeded the Walmart car park to get some food aid, as the WFP trucks came close. The stewards and aid workers marshalled the crowd into an enclosed area of the former shopping mall to distribute the sacks and boxes of wheat and rice.

“I gots me my first meal in over a week. Hmm hmm, it like Christmas here. Thank the lord for the food, it went straight down my gullet, I gots me a full stomach now, and I going to relax with a toothpick in the corner,” Jim Bob Mulrooney, 27, said licking his lips.

Chief operations director for the WFP, Margaret Seronam, spoke of her anguish at the plight of these Americans: “With a bankrupt government, a 20 trillion dollar deficit and millions of people starving, we are here to help America pull through its greatest nightmare. I’ve never seen anything as harrowing and disturbing as this. Even in Somalia and Zimbabwe, or Ethiopia it was never this bad.”