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Being Pessimistic is Actually Being Optimistic Say Experts

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“Let’s face it, the world today is an extremely cruel and unforgiving place. Make a mistake and everyone in the universe knows about it, no privacy, no second chances and economically there are multiple variables constantly pushing you towards the poor house. Therefore, to be happy and optimistic all the time is actually dangerous to your health, and you will follow your certain doom like a smiling lemming if you carry on being happy. We studied American Obama voters during the elections and analysed their faces. They were being sold hope, and they fell for it hook line and sinker. There is only one human emotion more powerful than fear and that is hope. Because of those people who were projecting their happiness and undying trust on that politician, the Americans are all now in a bigger hole than before. Now instead of being a lemming, if you are negative in your outlook, you can see the dangers and the threats to any situation, therefore you will not fall into the trap of trusting your enemies however much they promise you things and smile at you. This is the positive nature of negativity. All this New Age stuff, or supposed positivity foisted on the public is there to disarm humans. You are not free when they tell you you are happy and should feel happy as long as you follow their doctrines, you are simply putty in the hands of those who exploit your happiness and positive conditioning,” one of the scientists on the project revealed in the New Scientist.

The study showed that people who were overly optimistic all the time were easily conned and could be manipulated to do things for others, of course all the while smiling at their fate.

“True positivity lies in pessimism, because you can see the reality of the situation and do not follow blindly. People who are happy all the time are essentially targets who can easily be erradicated with little effort. They are unarmed, defenceless. There’s nothing funny or humourous with that premise, that you will be used endlessly for being happy go lucky and fun,” another social scientist on the project wrote on the research paper.

What a bunch of miserable bastards eh.

Guardian Journalists Pictured Having Morning Meeting

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Amongst the smouldering remains of a laptop in the corner of the room, it is certainly quite unusual to have had access to the Guardian newspaper’s morning pow wow session but nevertheless they allowed one of our photo journalists into a session.

“I was truly honoured to be welcomed into the Guardian inner sanctum and to view the Graunies hard at work. As for the interns, well, they were truly hard working busy bees as they were ferried around on carts on their daily duties. Each terrorist, ahem, I mean journalist has their own little writing cell not larger than a chicken coop, and of course amongst their possessions I found they all had a crucial piece of equipment, you guessed it, a copy of the latest edition of the Daily Mail, of course purely to use as toilet paper,” our trusty photographer revealed.

Guardian editor, Alan Rusbridger was on hand to explain a few things about working life in the left-wing newspaper.

“Some people say we are Trotskyites, or Brownites, and we fully subscribe to the communist ethos. Well, they’re correct. Therefore it is quite ironic that we would be so up in arms about all this spying malarkey. Remember that under the East German Stasi and Soviet era of Gordon Brown there was a similar element of spying that was going on as is now under the NSA and GCHQ. We should therefore be embracing the mass spying and soviet-style clamping down of freedom of speech under today’s US and UK government. I do confess, we are very confused here at the Guardian. Now please excuse me, I have been called to the courtyard for my daily exercise which involves walking in an enclosed space for 20 minutes while armed guards watch my every move.”

Boycott the Pumps or Suffer the Consequences

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GET BRITAIN MOVING AGAIN BOYCOTT THE PUMPS!

“Petrol will rise by 5p a litre by next week and the Chancellor is most probably planning to bring in large fuel duty increases as more ‘good news’ feeds in regarding the economy. Currently due to the recession, the fuel tax escalator has stalled, but when interest rates rise, so will the fuel duty to even more ridiculous levels. The government raising taxes as well as the added misery of crude oil prices rising daily because of Middle Eastern turmoil will be a major squeeze on peoples’ finances in the not too distant future,” said the Petrol Retailers’ Association.

Filling the petrol tank of a standard car in the UK today costs a minimum of £120 ($186).

Already 75% of the fuel price in the UK is made up of tax revenue for the government. Nowhere in the world is petrol this expensive and the fluctuation of the world’s crude oil prices add to the British motorist’s discontent.

Ever wondered why the petrol price goes up as soon as bad news comes out, but when the crude oil price drops, pump prices still go up? The simple reason for this is that the UK motorist is being shafted with a big stick and their apathy to this fact is why this terrible injustice continues year after year.

YOU can make a difference by not buying petrol any more

Dear readers, pass this on to your friends, your enemies and anyone else who will listen. We can do something, we can make a difference, we can stop the utter madness of Britain’s rip off fuel prices.

Here is what YOU can do:

1. STOP buying petrol. Walk! Ride a bike! Ride a horse! Ride an elephant!

2. Do not buy any more fuel. If every Briton stopped buying petrol, maybe the criminals who are perpetuating the daylight fuel robbery may stop and listen.

3. Petrol? What’s that? Just forget it ever existed. Change your lifestyle, and you shall be set free from the petrol prison.

4. Forget about travelling outside a 50 mile radius of your home.

5. Work from home. Be self sufficient and sever your ties with anything that requires long distance travel.

6. Sell your car. It’s not worth running it or being a cash cow anymore. No more MOT, road tax, insane insurance costs, parking fines, bus lane fines, speeding fines or repairs.

7. You don’t need to drive your car to the shops. Stop buying useless f*cking junk anyway. Only go to the shops for essential items and either walk or ride your bike there.

8. Grow your own food at home to minimise the need to travel to the shops.

9. If you can afford to buy a train ticket at today’s rip off prices by all means do so once in awhile if a long distance journey is essential.

10. Invent a vehicle that runs on anything but petrol. Good luck with that one.

PRINT THIS PAGE OUT AND PUT IT ONTO YOUR FRIDGE OR WALL. REMIND YOURSELF EVERY DAY TO NOT BUY PETROL ANY MORE. REPEAT THIS MESSAGE TO YOURSELF EVERY DAY WHEN YOU WAKE UP. YOU DO NOT NEED PETROL. YOU DO NOT NEED A CAR. YOU DO NOT NEED TO PAY TO TRAVEL. YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE FINED, TAXED AND TRACKED FOR TRAVELLING.

Mexican Food Eaten the Right Way

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Yoga Mexican food is the new craze taking Hollywood by storm. Celebrities like the Kardashians and Alec Baldwin are embracing the Burrito School of Yoga situated in Beverly Hills, where disciples complete complicated yogic exercises whilst eating their bean-laden Mexican food in class.

“Some of the classes can get a tad stinky because people who are eating their burritos or greasy enchiladas break serious wind during the yoga sessions. I’ve seen one woman break wind so hard a piece of sweetcorn got lodged in the ventilation grill at the back of the class. Kind of puts you off a bit,” Russell Brand, a regular at the classes, revealed.

If you are tempted to join a class near you, remember to bring an extra pair of underwear.

Arsenal’s Manager Wenger Buys Shoehorn in Shop

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“This shoehorn is symbolic of my current status as Arsenal manager. They’re going to need a very big one to get me out of this job I’m failing in. Hey, at least I bought a shoehorn, eh, as for good players for the team that’s another matter,” the once great manager said before getting in his chauffeur driven limousine.

Next week, the tight fisted Arsenal manager wants to buy a matchbox, to symbolise the club’s trophy cabinet.

Third Greek Bailout: Germans Like Throwing Money Down a Bottomless Pit

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“The Greeks need a third bailout? Let us just take tonnes of German taxpayers’ money and dump it in the ocean somewhere. That is what the equivalent would be to this terrible situation and ultimate humiliation. We, the German taxpayers, who work damn hard every day, are working for absolutely nothing. Literally billions of euros are repatriated to prop up Greece every few months. Third bailout, fourth bailout, fifth bailout, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth and tenth bailout ad infinitum. This is not a Greek nightmare but a German one,” Hans Hoffer, a business owner from Hamburg told Der Spiegel.

As the trucks roll out of Germany laden with euros, the Germans will line the streets waving goodbye to their hard work.

“You see that truck, that’s years of my hard work going to Greece so that they can spend it on swimming pools and home extensions. Auf Wiedersehen, we will never see you again,” one of the tearful humiliated Germans lining the route told reporters.

US Says Drone Strike on Guardian Newspaper Terror Camp Was Justified

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“One minute they were sipping their lattes, tapping away at their laptops, the next, there was just rubble and smoke,” a witness to the hellfire missile attack told reporters.

Operation Grauniad has been going on for sometime and is a well coordinated operation to erradicate journalists (terrorists) who oppose the system in any way.

NOTE FROM DAILY SQUIB

We at the Daily Squib have never endorsed investigative journalism at any time and agree fully the program of mass spying on all citizens by the NSA and GCHQ. Privacy and the concept of freedom of speech is not required in today’s society. This notice was not written while under duress or torture..Aaargh aaargh..aaargh………..nkdaj kdj ak cjkd ckjab ckja c c c c cakc  c c c cka c c cka c……  ….  . . …

Obama Says Massacres Are Okay For Democracy

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“We installed democracy in Iraq by murdering over 1.6 million Iraqis, we are installing democracy in Afghanistan by liquidating half the population there and in Egypt, we have the same mindset of installing democracy by massacring thousands of people in cold blood. We want those backward countries to have the same democracy as we have where your every move, phone call or email is logged and analysed, and where every car journey is tracked and the millions of CCTV cameras as well as drones film you and listen to you in the streets,” President Obama told reporters.

As the blood runs red in Egypt, Syria, Iraq and Afghanistan, this is a sign that democracy is being installed in these nations. It is interesting to note that the little democracy that is left is quickly disappearing in the West, with most of Europe now under control from one central control centre and where mass surveillance of the population is seen as the norm.

Not even George Orwell would have dreamed about how privacy and freedom in the West would be shut down at the levels we have today in the 21st Century prison.

Diana Was Murdered?

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Chief Inspector Poirot of the French police had this to say about the new Metropolitan Police investigation: “Let us examine the motives here, the mother of the two royal princes was cavorting around with a Pakistani surgeon and an Egyptian. Put that into perspective for one second, mes amis. Do you see where I am going here? That is all you need to know. She was about to marry the Egyptian guy and was pregnant with his child, then boom. It was an immaculate cover up afterwards and the International grief was the perfect smokescreen.”

Ritual

It is quite surprising that there would be a police investigation when something as ominous as the Diana death theory could cause major ripples within certain circles.

There is no doubt that whoever thought about such an investigation has either got balls of steel or is very, very stupid.

English Defence League Praises Mohamed Farah For Being Greatest British Athlete

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“If he was regular Muslim we’d spit in his fu**ing face, but because he is officially Britain’s best athlete he’s one of us now, innit,” Kev Smith, an EDL protest march organiser told the BBC.

Most British people did not know that Mo Farah’s real first name was Mohamed and such is the hatred for Muslims in the UK, maybe things would have been very different if he openly called himself by his given name.

“We had to make him shorten his name to ‘Mo’ and his career shot up. If he started athletics with the ‘Mohamed’ name he would not get anywhere in the UK however good he was, it is only now that he may dare to reveal his true name but this may ruin his career as well,” Mr Farah’s agent revealed.