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George W Bush Now Working As Clown in Travelling Circus

Douglas Herd
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George W Bush Now Working As Clown in Travelling Circus

“George always had itchy feet. He just can’t stay put, I mean look at the Iraq war, he had to go and stink up that place. I still get a tear in my eye thinking of the day he ran off, he came back from his painting room and said he was so bored of life. The next day a travelling circus came through town. I never saw him so excited, he was like a little boy again. He just jumped up and ran off. That was last month, I ain’t seen him since,” a distraught Laura Bush recalled today on the Oprah Winfrey Show.

Dr. R.J. Philips a psychologist explained how some retired people long for a life on the road: “Mr Bush is simply living out his youth. He wants some excitement back in his life and a travelling circus will certainly give it to him especially after his post-war excitement years.”

Dick Cheney and Bush’s old pal Rummy were today appealing for their friend to do the right thing and go back home.

Crazy Old Woman Did NOT Bequeath £500,000 to the Daily Squib

Douglas Herd
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Crazy Old Woman Did NOT Bequeath £500,000 to the Daily Squib

“Where’s the justice in that? I feel totally gutted. How could she do that, and to the government?” our distraught sub-sub-editor, Ben Crupt revealed.

As well as crying in the corridor and writing room (toilets) one of our poor writers tried to hang himself in the photocopier room with some toilet paper and was found on the floor after falling and banging his head on a bin overflowing with crumpled up pieces of paper.

Daily Squib staffers were then told to “calm the f*ck down and just go to the pub” by senior management.

Egyptian Civil War: Real Pyramids and Sphinx to be Moved to Las Vegas

Douglas Herd
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0
Egyptian Civil War: Real Pyramids and Sphinx to be Moved to Las Vegas

The $23 billion deal was sealed last night on the onset of an Egyptian civil war that could leave the pyramids of Giza in piles of rubble.

“It is the best thing for Egypt and a damn good deal for Las Vegas. We’re gonna have authentic pyramids right here in Vegas on the strip. It’s going to attract millions more visitors from all over the world,” Giancarlo Scarlotti, current casino boss at the Royale Palisades told CNN.

Already a team of 2,000 movers have been flown to Egypt, which is embroiled in a deadly civil war between the Obama installed current government and Muslim Brotherhood faction, Morsi.

“We’re just gonna cut each pyramid up into three pieces, then put it all on a tanker and ship ’em to the USA. They should get to Vegas by December just in time for Christmas. Can you imagine the Christmas lights on those things? We might even have a Christmas tree right on the top. The Sphinx needs a goddamn nose job anyway, we’re gonna give it a new nose because it ain’t had one in thousands of years,” Dan Leboutte, one of the team on the project revealed to local news stations in Cairo.

First Dog Bo Loses EBT Card During Presidential Airlift

Douglas Herd
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First Dog Bo Loses EBT Card During Presidential Airlift

“The presidential dog’s EBT card was missing. It is a crucial piece of equipment strapped to the dog’s back at all times and allows the dog to be fed at any 5 star gourmet restaurant in the world immediately,” one of the 500 odd secret service staff guarding the Obama’s revealed anonymously.

Since Obama was elected, EBT (Electronic Benefit Transfer) cards have spiralled out of control with more than 60% of the U.S. population now using them to get taxpayer funded food.

“It’s basically a good way for Democrats to gain votes. If you take our EBT, we’ll feed you with anything you want. You gotta vote Democrat though because if the Repugnant party gets in, then they’ll take your EBT and tell you to get a job. This is where the U.S. taxpayer money goes — and of course to Bo, the presidential poodle, so keep working those jobs you taxpayer suckers!” an independant observer for the upcoming 2016 election told the Washington Post.

Looks like the United States is going to have another Democrat in office in 2016.

God Says Chem Trails Are Lines of Heavenly Coke

Douglas Herd
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0
God Says Chem Trails Are Lines of Heavenly Coke

Pastor Joel Muscone from the Deansboro Baptist Presbyterian Episcopal Protestant church claims that God spoke to him and told him what the chem trails are.

“I was driving into church with the radio off when I looked up in the sky and all I could see was chem trails everywhere. I asked out loudly what they were. Then I heard a big booming voice and it rattled my truck. It said: ‘Hello Joel. Those them trails up there are not the government spraying dangerous chemicals into the atmosphere to poison you and alter your brain chemistry as well as give you cancer. No, those are the lines of coke we’re all doing up in heaven. Snort! Aww, yeah I just took a major hit man. Hey, Jesus cut up some more man, this Colombian shit is pure as ice.’ I immediately put the foot on the gas after that and had to tell my congregation.”

So there is an explanation about the true nature of chem trails. There is truly nothing to fear every time you look up into the sky and see them it’s just God and the angels having some heavenly fun.

As for the side effects, next time you feel an earthquake, that’s when they run out of coke up there and get the shakes but when the chem trails are back, everything is okay again.

 

Obama Visits Rodeo on Vacation

Douglas Herd
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Obama Visits Rodeo on Vacation

The two presidential visitors arrived on separate jets straight from their $7 million Martha’s Vineyard rental. Michelle Obama and the kids took another jet for a day trip to Disney Land, costing the taxpayer $42 million, including an entourage of 583 staff.

Speaking at the rodeo event Mr Obama thanked his “redneck friends” for their support during his election campaigns and said he wanted to ride a bucking mule to show his appreciation. The President was greeted with whoops by the awaiting crowd and seemed about as welcome as a skunk at a lawn party.

One cowboy gave Obama so much praise, a tear was seen streaming from his eye: “Lemme tell you folks, this ain’t my first rodeo, but just because a chicken has wings don’t mean it can fly. The boy’s like a big hat, no cattle. He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow. You can put his policies in the oven, but that don’t make them biscuits. Now go on, git!”

President Obama was put on a mule but was not allowed to bring his teleprompter, so he just stayed silent for the duration of the 20-minute visit before being airlifted back to Martha’s Yard Sale.

Spanish Armada Seen Off British Coast

Douglas Herd
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Spanish Armada Seen Off British Coast

“Where’s Sir Francis Drake when you need him? Oh, I forgot most of our navy was decommissioned by Cameron. Oh well,” Queen Elizabeth II said from her throne.

According to King Carlos I of Spain, the Spanish Armada is here because they want their Rock back and they want to depose Queen Elizabeth II for being a protestant who is thus deemed a heretic by the Catholic Spaniards. The newly appointed Argentinian Pope has given the Armada his full blessing.

The Armada Invencible has also been joined by war ships all the way from Argentina who have teamed up with the Spaniards for a fight against the English.

“Avast! You swiving Spanish paella munching degos. We’re going to send out some fire ships to rout your feeble Armada,” an English sailor shouted from the seashore.

Shock as Lab Grown Burgers Contain 99% Horse Meat

Douglas Herd
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0
Shock as Lab Grown Burgers Contain 99% Horse Meat

“We just don’t know how it got there. We made the burger in the lab. There were no horses around, no one visited a Tesco or anything. We’re trying to get to the bottom of this,” senior technician on the project revealed.

The lab grown burger laced with horse meat is a serious setback to the project and important funding for the research lab could be halted as a result of the scandal.

“If I wanted horse meat burgers I would have gone to a supermarket. This burger cost £250,000 to grow in the bloody lab. I’m furious,” one of the volunteers who tasted the burger for a dare told the BBC.

Why Unknown Celebrities Are the Bane of Every Newspaper Reader

Douglas Herd
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0
Why Unknown Celebrities Are the Bane of Every Newspaper Reader

“In the 2000s it is actually very hard to know the multitude of so-called celebrities that are foisted everywhere. These are of course not notable people but minor dandruff droppings from the smelly anus of celebrity culture. Nicky Minj, Ally X, G-Squad, Rab Bits and Toni Grahams, like who the f*ck are they?” a confused Daily Mail reader revealed.

Real fame has been diluted to such a low level now that many are saying there is no fame left in the barrel.

“When everybody’s famous, then no one is. Even pre-internet established iconic stars are revealing their minutest life details on Twitter, thus immediately removing any pretence of mystery or fame. If one has an image of an icon and they suddenly reveal that they have a problem with winnets when wiping their arse in the morning, this wonderful insight immediately renders their fame redundant. When every one is on the social networks babbling away, there is no fame any more. I would have to say, the only famous people then are the ones who stay off,” social scientist and researcher at Cambridge University, Dean Halstead, revealed in a recent research paper.

Ryanair Customers to be Mugged at Check-In

Douglas Herd
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Ryanair Customers to be Mugged at Check-In

Ryanair staff have been told to increase the company’s profits by mugging passengers at the check-in desks prior to boarding their flights.

“We already mug them when they book their flights with excessive charges but we have been ordered to go a step further by mugging the bastards physically by nicking their hand luggage or going into their pockets to steal their gadgets,” Elaine O’Riordan, a Ryanair worker told the BBC.

Passengers have already complained about the muggings, but were simply told to “shut it, or we’ll throw you off the fu**ing plane” by bully Ryanair workers.

Doreen Elsingham, from Watford was travelling to Benidorm on a two week package holiday last week; and when she went to the flight check-in, she was told to hand over her i-pod, i-pad, smartphone and a box of Swiss chocolate she was taking to her 90-year-old grandmother or get a smack in the face.

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