“Someone is blowing these chemical factories up, we don’t know who, but we still have not found any clues in the toxic rubble,” Xiang Xing Ping, a Chinese official told local media outlets on Saturday.
Anyone who is travelling to China needs to stay in an area away from the numerous chemical plants implanted within residential areas and the countryside.
“We booked a two week stay in the lovely polluted city of Jianjing, South East of Guangdong. There are several chemical plants right next to the hotel so we would not only get the full force of the blast and chemicals, but some great video material for YouTube,” Jane Allinson, from Palm Beach told CNN.
Chinese organ harvesting plants are also suffering as the samples are now too polluted to sell to rich Westerners, I mean who wants a liver that has been sautéed over a vat of explosive cyanide?
Meanwhile the Chinese Communist hierarchy are baffled as to who is causing these massive explosions all over the place, what with the Chinese stock market tanking daily, and cities blowing up spewing deadly poisonous gases everywhere, it’s just another day in China where the explosions are big and your lungs fill up with cancer causing chemicals with each breath.
“Come to China for holiday, we blow you the shit up and you get tumour in your butt hole,” a poster advertising the wonders of China said in the Shanghai metro.
Christmas may have come early for divorce lawyers across the globe, as they take on extra staff to cope with the deluge of divorce proceedings, however the real damage will be to the children in these wrecked marriages, who would have otherwise stayed together. When it comes to cruelty to children, divorce from infidelity is the biggest cause of ruined childhood and causes irreparable psychological damage.
Psychologist Dr. Kirk Joelbloom, explains: “Cheaters are selfish narcissists, they do not care for anyone but themselves, that’s why they cheat. It’s not only the spouse who gets hurt, but the children are left with serious life-long psychological scars. Looking at the Ashley Madison map, we can see that globally, the areas most affected were North America and Europe, these areas have seen drastic increases in divorce. We are thus seeing generations of children growing up with psychological problems from the trauma of divorce, who will no doubt pass this horror onto the generations after that. All because of one narcissistic selfish cheater within the family.”
As for the creators of sites like Ashley Madison, they do not care one iota about profiting from other peoples’ misery, they made huge profits already and will simply move on to destroy other people by starting up another company doing the same thing with a different name.
“The end of artificial pumping by the Obama administration has been over for some time, but we are only seeing glimpses of the effects now.
“Since 2009 U.S. indices have enjoyed an immense bull run, but it was all artificially created and not one single part of the rise was from factual means.
“The reality is that the Dow will continue to fall, it will hit some support at 13,900 a previous high from September 2007, however it will continue its descent powered by fear and nothing concrete keeping it up.
“When it reaches the 2,500 level, this would be more reflective of the state of the country as a whole, where the 2008 tremor was a lesson not learned by the institutions that power the Dow. It will continue to fall thereafter to 1984 levels.
“Obama will be long gone from office by then, and probably in a bunker somewhere, as for the rest, that’s their problem, not the administration’s.”
Since being elected, Obama has squandered millions of dollars of US taxpayer cash on holidays, freebie flights on Air Force One, even going as far as having his pet dog flown on the jet ahead of the family on one of their numerous vacations.
“Obama is the most well-travelled president in the history of the United States. This guy flies to Beijing for a Chinese takeaway using Air Force One, a plane that guzzles fuel at $180,000 per hour of flight. Since the Obamas entered the White House they have spent over $45 million of YOUR money on vacations alone, not including state sanctioned travel but what do you expect from a guy who added $2.5 Trillion onto America’s debt?” Ron Hasker, a former White House analyst revealed during a retrospective of Obama’s tenure on CNN.
In stark contrast, the frugal Prime Minister of Britain travels on cheap airlines usually in economy class, eats Pringles and takes the train when conducting state business in the UK.
“My husband, a keen Bilderberger, will be running the show from behind the scenes. You may be wondering how I have been propelled to such dizzying heights so quickly seemingly out of nowhere. Well, when you have strings being pulled like this, and friends in high places, things happen,” Yvette Cooper told the Guardian newspaper.
Indeed, Cooper’s husband, Ed Balls has been a guest at Bilderberg meetings numerous times, and even though he was ousted from his ministerial position during the UK general election, he was still invited this year to the exclusive meeting in Telfs, Austria.
Due to the nature of Labour leadership contests where rules are made up as they go along, anything can happen. Even though Jeremy Corbyn, a staunch Marxist is in the lead at the moment, Yvette Cooper has influential forces behind her.
Casting for the remake of Flash Gordon was easy according to the director.
“It took me three minutes to make the decision to cast Jeff Bezos as chief villain. We needed someone who was truly merciless, like beyond sociopathic, no soul, just crunches data and feeds employees through a meat grinder. This guy, he looks the part too, I gave him a call, he had just fired a woman who lost her whole family in a car crash and was recovering from breast cancer. His ruthless nature left her in the streets homeless, but he laughed at her and threw her an Amazon voucher. Now that’s what I was looking for,” Drew Bastard, the director told Film magazine.
Not content with pilfering the profits of publishers and authors, Bezos is keen to make it in the movies as a sideline.
“People think I’m just a cold hearted number cruncher who only thinks of profit and treats employees like robots. That’s right, and I’m damn proud of it,” Jeff Bezos revealed whilst administering another mass firing session for employees who had lagged by 0.06% in a month.
Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant in Syria are trying to gain territory as are Liwa Abu al-Fadhal al-Abbas, and Jaysh al-Sha’bi as well as the indomitable Suqur al-Sahara. Thirty miles from the town of Saabat Nom Nom, Jaysh al-Muwahhideen have secured a zone of 300 square yards, whilst Fatah al-Intifada, al-Jihesh tribe militias and Liwa Al Quds are engaged in one hell of a fuck soup of unholy bullet ridden matrimony. Good thing Asa’ib Ahl al-Haq are 22 kms from the zone as is Kata’ib Hezbollah, just north of Damascus. Kata’ib Sayyid al-Shuhada are the new boys on the block in the North East, and are allied with Liwa Dhu al-Fiqar, Dawn of Freedom Brigades and Jihad in the Path of God Brigade but enemies of Tayy tribe militias who are aligned with the Syrian Resistance but enemies of Jaysh al-Wafaa and the Al-Qassas Army, although they sometimes join forces with the al-Berri clan, but only every other Tuesday, if it pleases them. In the middle of this of course is the Thuwar al-Sham Battalions, 111th Division, Quds Force and some Badr Organisation elements. Flanking from the East and West are Maghawir Forces aligned with Jarabulus Brigade elements but definitely not friends of Farouq Brigades because they are enemies of Shields of the Revolution Council, who are aligned intermittently with Liwa Thuwwar al-Faqqa near some mountain in Syria that no one can ever find. The lovely chaps in the Northern Sun Battalion are now aligned with Falcons of Mount Zawiya Brigade but recently had a falling out with Abu Amara Battalions who stole one of their goats. Don’t forget that tensions are now high with the al-Rahman Legion and the Jaysh Usud al-Sharqiya because last week there was a party and one of the crew was not invited. The Knights of Justice Brigade are now running the show 45 kms from some piece of rubble, but hot on their tails is the Al-Tawhid Brigade who are seriously fucking annoyed that one of their numbers insulted them by blowing raspberries during a drive by in the town of Kars Duqa Duqa. Just over the river, 34 clicks south of a smouldering corpse pile is the base of Abu Jaafar Battalion who just won a trophy for being the biggest losers in Syria. These guys couldn’t blow up a fireworks factory with a box full of grenades and are now the laughing stock of all brigades everywhere. That’s why Al-Fawj al-Awal and some elements of Mustafa Martyrs Brigade, 13th Division, and Jabhat Ansar al-Islam are aligning themselves with the Sultan Mohamed Fatah Brigade, but are hated by the Ajnad al-Sham Islamic Union, 46th Division, Harakat Nour al-Din al-Zenki but are tolerated by the 16th Division who are nevertheless aligned sometimes with the Khorasan Group. etc..
This year we were treated to another instalment of the Fantastic Four featuring the likes of Kata Mara, Michael B. Jordan and Miles Teller.
Offering a glimpse inside the world of crime fighting on a supernatural plane, the film has received mixed reviews from the public, but that hasn’t stopped the customary merchandise bandwagon from rolling on.
In between a corporate row involving the X-Men, Fantastic Four’s merchandise is generating huge amounts of money around the globe thanks to a quirky mix of costumes, figurines and games. Of course, the line between old tat and quality merch is a fine one, which is why we’ve picked out some of the more interesting Fantastic Four options out there.
The Fantastic Four Retro Seatbelt
What does any Fantastic Four fanatic need when they want to look fresh? A belt that looks like a seatbelt, that’s what. Emblazoned with the familiar “4” logo, the quirky seatbelt turned trouser aid is as left-field as the comic genre itself and for £15 it’s a real bargain.
Fantastic Four Fizz
Those with a way with words will often tell you to “drink up the atmosphere” when something is deemed worth watching, but with the latest incarnation of the Fantastic Four you can literally taste the action. Thanks to a collaboration between Crush Soda and Marvel, you can now sample “4 Fantastic Flavours” with a selection of limited edition cans. In addition to offering a tasty movie accompaniment, Crush is also giving away a slew of free tickets to the movie.
Continuing the long-standing relationship between Marvel and the iGaming industry, fans of online slots can now ante-up and spin the reels in search of riches courtesy of the Fantastic Four online slot game. Imbued with an array of sights and sounds from the comic and film series, this game not only gives you a chance to win £100,000+ but a way to enjoy the best parts of the film in a new guise.
If you’re a fan of camping and really want to standout from the crowd, then a Fantastic Four sleeping bag is a must. Designed to hug each of your limbs individually, these superhero suits turned sleeping aids are a great way to stay warm but still stay ready for battle. Although the price of each Fantastic Four sleeping bag is close to £100, there’s no doubt they’ll keep you warm while you’re looking cool as hell.
Fantastic Four Threads
We couldn’t compile a list of Fantastic Four themed gifts and not throw in a t-shirt. A staple piece of merchandise, the humble round neck t-shirt is something every fan should want to own and we think the best option out there is the classic logo design. Bearing nothing more than the famous “4” logo and the team’s customary blue colour scheme, you can pick up this Impact Merchandising product for around £10 which means it’s an absolute bargain for every Fantastic Four fan.
EU taxpayers have been solidly shafted by the Greeks once again as weak bureaucrats capitulated to another free money gift to Greece.
On top of the 350 Billion debt already owed, another 86 Billion euros will be released on Thursday to great fanfare.
“We did it again, and in two months time we will rinse and repeat, and so on, ad infinitum. Shit, it beats working for a living,” a jubilant Greek Syriza minister told local news.
Most Greeks are unaware of any hardship and are living the good life
Taxpayers within the EU have been told by their respective governments to work harder to provide for the Greek permanent holiday.
“You must work longer hours on less pay so that you can provide free money to Greece. Remember that Greeks retire at 45 on full pensions, whereas in Northern Europe people work to 65 and beyond. We are changing the system now so you won’t retire at all, just work until you drop dead. Remember, it is for a good cause, the Greeks deserve to live a privileged lifestyle off your dumb back because they do not pay tax, but you do. What are you going to do about it? Nothing, because you’re a coward, a spineless pleb,” an EU announcement to European countries broadcast on all networks yesterday.
All across Greece there were cheers of delight as the free money train resumed its inevitable journey.
“I’ve had seven holidays this year, and I was worried I might have to curtail the eighth but thanks to the EU I am now packing my bags again. This time I’m off to the Bahamas for a six week all expenses paid holiday thanks to EU taxpayers. I have also bought another Porsche and Ferrari. Thank you you filthy malakas, ha hah!” Nikos Katsamounaras, a Greek farmer told the Kathemirini newspaper.
As another 86 Billion euros is delivered to Greece, massive capital flight is also resuming.
“We’re poor, because our money is in Switzerland, Cayman islands and all sorts of places away from prying eyes. When they make these EU money deliveries, top boys have first pick, the money is then quickly removed from Greece and into our bank accounts abroad. Of course, we are poor in Greece, and you will see that when we ask for bailout five, six, seven and eight,” another celebratory Greek told local news stations.
Sports cars line a street in a Greek town
Luxury car sales have spiked on the news of more money being released by the EU, and in one town a man was cheered as he drove down the main street in his new top of the range Mercedes whilst being registered blind, a useful trick if you want to receive extra money for disabilities from the EU.
Greece has done it again. One can feel the palpable excitement emanating from a place with joyous abandon and celebratory gusto.
“Look at the streets here, we are crying with joy. EU free money train is back. We got them by the balls, eh is that right Schaubles, we got you by the Goebels, you tried to stop the money, but we’re getting more free stuff. Who says socialism does not work? It works very well. Germany Nil Greece 5, that’s the final score. Germans got fucked!” a cheering man shouted, and shouted during another dizzying celebration in Athens.
