17.7 C
London
Friday, November 6, 2026
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 522

In Sweden, Sex-Free Future Nears

0

This socialist feminist haven, home to extreme emasculation and the strains of devout feminist rhetoric, has been lured by the politics of abstinence. It is also a practical matter, as many of the country’s women no longer accept males as male but as feminized robots, mere servants at the beck and call of the socialist feminist state.

At Stockholm’s Museum of Mankind, “Sex is dead in Sweden, and to even think about it now is a crime, to write about it is punishable with jail time as to indulge in it is seen as rape,” said Bjorn Borgasson, a former sexually active male who has been chemically castrated by a state funded program for all men.

Not everyone is cheering. Sweden’s embrace of a sex-free society has alarmed consumer organizations and critics who warn of a rising threat in a totalitarian state dominated by women. Last year, the number of men leaving Sweden surged to 440,000, more than double the amount a decade ago, according to Sweden’s Ministry of Home Affairs.

Older adults and refugees in Sweden who used to enjoy sex in the past may be marginalized, critics say. Many remember what sex used to be like but are too afraid to even mention it let alone try to conduct a sexual liaison with another person.

“It might be trendy,” said Erik Vilniussen, a former director of the Swedish politburo. “But there are all sorts of risks when a society starts to go sexless.”

But advocates like Ms. Ulvulva cite personal safety as a reason that countries should go sex-free. She switched to no-sex after a man came on to her in a bar several years ago.

“Sexual intercourse is viewed as rape by feminists,” said Ms. Ulvulva, who reports any man to the authorities if they even look at her. “It made me think: Life without male attention is so much simpler. In Stockholm I can walk down a street in the nude now and no one even looks at me.”

The government has not sought to stem the sex-less tide. If anything, it has benefited from more efficient workers, because an efficient work force is now less prone to complication thus increasing tax revenue.

Gandalf Trogenslum, an official at the Ministry of No-Sex, acknowledged that abstinence has brought good to Sweden, especially with the move to chemically castrate males across the country.

“If a woman tells a man to do something they do it with no question and they want nothing in return. We have no distinction between the sexes any more. Men do not have a libido and women enjoy themselves in a sex-less Sweden amongst the feminized men. Socialism means equality, and we have finally achieved the utopian dream in Sweden.”

First Look at Google Glass 2

0

 

Leaks and photos show that the second go at the Google glass is bigger and brighter, as well as packing in more glass than ever before.

Google announced at the beginning of this year that it was halting sales of the eyewear, and that it would focus instead on a new version — a pane of glass. That new version has been seen for the first time, in new pictures.

The new Google glass is made simply from a pane of glass, as well as improved battery life to allow it to charge less simply because there is no battery. That is all packed into a bigger and more robust Google glass, which is waterproof but less resistant to getting broken as a pane of glass is easily breakable.

“If someone throws a baseball at the Google glass it could break, so keep the kids away from your pane of Google glass. It could get very expensive in the long run and shards of glass can cause injury to others,” a Google glass worker told reporters on Sunday.

But consumers won’t be able to get their hand on the new glass so they will have to go to a shop selling panes of glass instead. Google will only be selling them through a special programme that will see them go straight to people who specifically want a pane of glass with the Google name on it.

How Does the Google Glass Work?

“It’s a pane of glass about 34″ by 24″ and the glass is made in Italy. When carrying around your Google glass you have to be careful not to break it as it is susceptible to cracking if hit. One great thing about the glass is you can look through it, and if it rains, you can put it over your head, or on a windy day protect your hair style,” chief designer, Marslo Pankem, told Tech Wire magazine.

The device has been revealed in photographs submitted to the Federal Communications Commission in early December, and made public this week.

The Future Does Not Need Us

0

 

You work 18 hour shifts, no holidays as these are luxuries of the past.

The A.I took the most important jobs a long time ago and now you’re left with only low paid government subsidised maintenance of machinery jobs.

Globalisation means that no one has a nation any more, with that the mass movements of displaced humans constantly churning over cities, the deluge creates a planet of misery, hatred for fellow mankind and detestation of the constantly changing pollution ridden environment.

Traditional food has all gone by now, instead humans are fed with a protein derived from mass farmed insects, a gooey mush that tastes vile to the palate but is your only sustenance.

Crammed into megacities, your life expectancy is limited as the privileged enhanced ones prolong, the rest die off.

There are now three major blocs all working in unison, Sector 1 under the E.U, Sector 2 Asia and Sector 3 Australasia. The former U.S.A never survived and is now a cursed wasteland, irradiated for the next thousand years.

As you sit in your cubicle, you are monitored for any form of dissent, your thoughts are linked through neural network chips implanted after the great war, this is your future, a terrible dystopian nightmare that used to be part of science fiction but is now reality.

Your only hope is to be terminated by the state, to clock out permanently although suicide is forbidden in the New World, to sleep perchance to sleep in the eternal darkness is your only respite. Rebellion, revolution is impossible as the weapons they have at their disposal are impregnable futuristic toys that can never be compromised.

When the agents come to your micro apartment you breathe a sigh of relief, one thought too many triggered off the bots, they take you to a liquidation cell and as the gas sears through your heaving lungs for the last time, you dream of open fields, long grass blowing in the wind and the gentle summer breeze on your cheek.

Grim Up North: Man Can’t Get to Doctor For Incurable Gonorrhoea Treatment Because of Floods

0

National Health Statistics this week revealed that large swathes of Northern England are infected with an incurable strain of Gonorrhoea, what with the mass floods, this adds up to another grim week up North.

“We rarely see the sun up here. I’ve got incurable Gonorrhoea and my house got flooded ruining everything,” Gerald Trent, 34, from Leeds told the BBC.

Mr. Trent who is married with seven children is unemployed and wanted to get to the nearest sexual health clinic for treatment but that’s been shot due to half of Yorkshire and the North being under seven feet of water.

One of his neighbours was livid.

“If ‘e’s gorra case o’ fookin incurable super-gonorrhoea ‘e don’t need to get ta doctor. It’s fookin’ incurable innit. Just wrap up yer ol’ meat and two veg in a plastic bag or summat.”

Anyways, it’s fucking grim up North, but everyone knows that already.

 

Merry Christmas From the Tunnels of Syria

0

Jihadis are writing their Christmas cards from the tunnels of Syria as the skies are full of drones and planes on bombing campaigns.

“We set up an impromptu Christmas tree in one of the tunnels, and the choir assembled around it singing carols. What with the lights, and eggnog, I wasn’t half as homesick,” the Jihadi said with a tear rolling down his black mask.

There’ll be Christmas prezzies and even a few rats fashioned into a big turkey for supper.

“This year I asked Santa for a top of the range AR-15 machine gun and a custom made bullet belt. Uncle Sam did not disappoint as the shipment came in early thanks to those CIA boys,” another Jihadi revealed.

Oh dear, has no one told the Jihadis that they’re not actually Christians and don’t celebrate Christmas?

Thousands Moving to Netherlands to Become Driving Instructors

0

Driving instructors in Holland are allowed to offer lessons in return for sex , it has been revealed.

The great news was made public after a question was tabled to the nation’s parliament on the matter and the answer came back in the affirmative – as long as the student was over 18.

“Driving a car is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You’ve got to put your key into the ignition, turn gently, then oil her up, switch gears from slow to fast, keep the throttle up until you can’t take any more finally coming to your destination,” Dutch Tony, a driving instructor from Rotterdam revealed in Motoring today magazine.

Applications to become a driving instructor in Holland have quintupled since the announcement and the government has become inundated with requests for the lucrative job.

Santa Rally Latest: Dow -365

0

Raising interest rates in a weakening economy, a vast $22 Trillion debt laden deficit, unending Middle Eastern wars and unfunded federal debt liabilities of $128 Trillion, is a mistake Janet Yellen will live to regret, but her masters have great plans for what is soon going to be the former United States of America.

This is not Yankee bashing but a dose of the cold hard truth — yep, no way out this time.

Santa Rally

To give, first Santa must take, and there’s the rub, investors fleeing the markets in fear, institutions battening down the hatches, brace yourselves for the long ride down in a schizoid catatonic market.

“If you see the ECG graph of someone having a heart attack, there are wild spasms before the flat line. This is what we are now witnessing, seismic swings, the cardiac death of America, which has served its initial purpose by the Order, and the plug is being pulled, at first gently, but now no one gives a squirt of piss about the failed project. It’s unmanageable, when that happens, the big boys move on, and they’re in Europe right now, they’ve abandoned ship. Uncle Sam is sick, he has cancer, arteries like a rock, and a prostate bigger than Jupiter. Adios amigos, it has been an experience, not a very pleasant one, but an experience anyway,” a Fed insider revealed from New Zealand.

 

Mourinho Gets Job As Arsenal Football Kit Washer Boy

0

 

“After the game, usually when Arsenal wins, they throw their used socks, underpants on the floor or at my head. Then Wenger, he walk in and tell me to pick them up and clean it all up. It’s a good job they pay me £120 per week and I still get to watch real footsball, innit,” the former Chelsea manager told Football magazine.

Even though there used to be a certain rivalry between Wenger and Mourinho in the past, the Arsenal manager felt sorry for his former foe deciding to give him a job and a laundry sack instead of another sacking.

Mourinho hopes to get a promotion in a few years time, if he cleans up well to Emirates toilet cleaner, earning a whopping £200 a week.

How Did Kim Kardashian Infiltrate EU Negotiations?

0

 

“Nein, nein, nein!” Merkel was theatrically telling David Cameron when an almighty ripper erupted ponging the place up.

Mr. Cameron saw this as another excuse to leave the EU negotiation table early as his weak charade is wearing thin anyway and he needed to catch the last plane to London.

Security at the European Council in Brussels has since been stepped up.

“It’s quite easy, we play classical music through speakers, any Kardashian within miles is immediately repelled,” François Garmond, security chief for the EC building told reporters.

UPDATE: The PM has since returned to the UK, without any deal or hope of ever getting a deal from the EU. Not an unexpected result then.

The Force is Now Female

0

 

“It’s not just a black movie but the Force is stronger in the female. That’s the feminist message I was told to portray. Much like Mad Max Fury Road is the destruction of patriarchy so too is Star Wars The Force Awakens. Han Solo finally meets his end, and so this means the swash buckling 70s rogue gentleman of yesteryear is relegated to the grave, to be superseded by the delights of a female Millennium Falcon pilot/Jedi springing about the place. It gets the dollars in, Star Wars is no longer restricted to the white male but now encompasses bigger, more global revenue busting horizons,” director, J.J. Abrams told Movie Week magazine.

The Force Awakens is a relative re-make of the first Star Wars film and is moderately successful in its endeavours to entertain.

“The great thing about Awakens is that it did not have Neeson or that other guy, McDougal or whatever his name is. Plus it did not have much of an American cast, therefore dispensing in wooden plank actors with as much character as a..er.. wooden Costner plank. Thankfully, the insipid lacklustre ‘acting’ of Portman was also not present, a gift from the Force itself,” a member of the audience remarked after viewing the film.

Where the prequel trilogy 1999 – 2005 were awful affairs displaying CGI cartoon characters that looked and moved pathetically, it was a sad time for Star Wars, and truly displayed George Lucas’s loss of vision, as if he was just going through the motions for the pay cheque. Director J.J. Abrams seems to have revived some of the original spice, with less cartoony nonsense and indulged in a more emotive piece, especially with numerous insights into how things work in the Star Wars universe.

It’s still Hollywoodized shit, but at least it’s better than the other prequel shit. Goodbye 20th Century Fox, hello Walt Disney and a shed load of fucking money.