17.7 C
London
Sunday, November 8, 2026
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 375

Spice Girls 450th ‘Zimmer Zimmer Ah’ Cash-in Tour

Fresh from the High street hairdressers, the Spice Girls now come resplendent with a full set of bingo wings and hungry bank accounts to match.

Their latest desperate venture is a tour because they need money, well, Posh Spice who is the bones behind Beckham does not but the rest do.

“I need a new extension to my Macclesfield council house,” Sporty Spice says as she bemoans the cost of hiring Romanian tradesmen who are putting up their prices everywhere.

“I need a new Stenna stairlift for the mansion some rich chump bought me,” says Ginger Geri-atric Spice.

“I need a new personality because I never had one anyway,” squeaks Baby Spice Bunton with a vacant look. A tall order if we ever heard and one that money can never rectify.

“I need a new man,” says Posh Spice as she looks through a private detective report detailing her husband’s daily and nightly activities.

“I just need more gibsme cash because spent it all, innit,” says Spook Spice shouting like an angry cave woman.

The Spice Girls will all rake in 1 million pounds each for the 24 date tour.

This is not a bad proposition seeing as they do not have to sing one note throughout the 24 date tour.

The Spice Girls who have no talent or musical ability whatsoever have been busy in the studio having experts put down tracks so that they can mime to all the songs on stage.

“We have them sing in the studio, well, they can’t sing per se, they just grunt and besides it is so off key anyway,” one of the engineers says “…but after we digitally assist with Antares Autotune their atrocious voices we have them sounding like angels, and hey presto!”

The Antares technology used can alter anyone’s voice to sing in correct pitch in real time and in the studio.

The Zimmer frame Girls are currently having a refresher course about the art of miming from their first days of fame with a professional mime coach, Ashlee Simpson, who has been recruited for the extensive tour.

“It’s been many years since we been on stage miming so we got all our ‘zimmer zimmer ah’ dance moves together too innit!” says Spook Spice from backstage.

Wishing the Girl Power team a great cashing in season.

Can the Tories Be Trusted Ever Again After Trying to Subvert Democracy?

0

The damage caused by the disastrous tenure of Theresa May’s premiership and the cohorts of Remainer saboteurs to the EU referendum result to leave the EU, resulting in a constitutional crisis where British democracy was mutilated, will haunt the Tories for a very long time.

We now have a very divisive and crowded leadership contest amongst the Conservative party to contend with, and more time wasting, which has been the staple choice of tactic for this ailing party.

The results for the European Elections will conclusively prove that the Tory party has deteriorated under May’s pathetic leadership with a massive win by the Brexit Party expected. Not only did the Tories lose a majority of their former voters, but also their funding.

Boris Johnson it seems has come two years too late. He will certainly bring back a breath of fresh air into the party however his folly of voting for May’s surrender deal on the third push leaves many with a bad taste in their mouths. As Farage puts it “it was like Spartacus voting for slavery”.

Even if the Brexit party wins the European Elections, what does that mean in terms of governance? Nothing much. Unfortunately, the Tories are still in government and their party is made up of 90% Remainers in conjunction with their EU paymasters.

We cannot see any positive action in conducting a proper clean Brexit as was voted by 17.4 million people on June 23, 2016. The British parliament is mostly aligned with the Remain camp, and there is even talk from the Lib Dems and Change UK to flood parliament with even more Remainers to subvert and destroy democracy further.

Every day that goes by is a day wasted, and the Remainer anti-democracy contingent are relishing every moment of their cowardice and treachery. With their pockets overflowing from EU backhanders, the corruption stinks to high heaven.

Even if Boris does get in to Number 10 by some miracle – the Remainer Tory hierarchy will do everything they can to keep him out – he will still find a Remainer brick wall in trying to get a WTO Brexit through parliament.

Democracy died a long time ago in Britain and the feudal lord MPs who seek to destroy Brexit everyday are operating a mission without any opposition whatsoever.

Brexit will not be allowed to happen, because the system is not aligned with the democratic will of the people. Our votes do not count, and the destruction of the EU referendum result is proof positive that democracy is well and truly fucked in the United Kingdom.

Confused Theresa May Mixed Up the Words ‘Compromise’ and ‘Surrender’

0

The duplicitous liar Theresa May started off her speech today by saying she did everything to honour the referendum result from 2016, but never mentioned her most recent movement to bring a vote for a second referendum to parliament.

May claimed to have achieved a lot during her pathetic premiership, when in reality we all know she achieved absolutely nothing.

With her ‘Brexit In Name Only’ deal which was penned with Merkel looking over her shoulder and okayed personally by Michel Barnier before having the gall to present it at Chequers, May was nothing but a treacherous coward who will go down as an even worse PM than Gordon Brown (another unelected implant).

This cantankerous fool even tried to pass the same bill four times in parliament, almost akin to banging one’s head against a brick wall until your brains start seeping through the cracks in the skull.

What kind of destitute moronic person cannot see when they have lost, and it takes waves of people to make you aware that you have nothing left, it was May’s infuriating intransigence which really showed her lack of basic awareness, living in cloud cuckoo land, unable to govern, a loser of losers?

As suspected, David Cameron today admitted he was advising May during the Brexit negotiations. This is no surprise, and the botched mess the country is in now is testament to his input in the lacklustre proceedings.

Theresa May claims she is patriotic, but would willingly sell out her own country to keep herself in Number 10. Her psychotic schizoid personality devoid of any true feeling, only wavering with anger when she was pushed out eventually after much destruction had already taken place.

Take your awful shoes and your treacherous stoop out of Number 10, you have left this country a lot worse off, and it will take a miracle to repair it now.

To hear May’s pathetic whining voice again will give many nightmares, the mere thought of it reminds us of the sound of nails scratching down a blackboard.

Britain today breathed a sigh of relief, this rogue tortuous destructor of democracy finally resigned after months of desperate people in her own party trying to get rid of her before she committed more severe damage.

Will the Conservative party survive May’s destruction? It probably will, but the Tory party is now a very basic shell of itself.

May claimed she loves her country but all her actions are the reverse of that statement, because May betrayed her country and was about to commit further betrayal by presenting parliament with the opportunity for a second referendum.

Compromise? Utter bullshit Mrs May, what you did was complete surrender, and if you had not been stopped today you would have continued on and on with your dastardly plan.

Mr Trump was right in commenting about May’s removal with the words: ‘It is for the good of the country’.

Theresa May will be remembered as a cling on, the kind found on an arse hair which is very hard to get rid of.

The Deluded Witch is Dead

0

The narcissistic woman who ground the Conservative party to the ground and then some has finally bitten the dust after digging in from wave after wave of attacks to get her out.

“It was like trying to shoot a zombie, the bloody thing would not go down,” one Conservative MP revealed.

Theresa May will go down as the biggest loser in the annals of leadership, a Remainer with not one ounce of will to enact democracy with a Brexit.

“She was not a Conservative but a smelly Trotskyite mushy fart,” another parliamentarian quipped.

May pushed her deluded ‘Brexit In Name Only‘ deal three times, and capitulated to every whim of the EU, practically bending over backwards for the name and reputation of Britain to be muddied by her EU masters.

Theresa May had no belief in Britain, and never fought for the country’s future.

Her breaking voice at the end of her truly saccharin vomitous resignation speech was a cry at the loss of her power and not for any altruistic nonsense she spouted.

There is now some hope for a Brexiteer to take the reins and to get us out of the EU properly plus to clean out the swamp of Remainers like Hammond and all the other EU conspirators. We won’t hold our breath though.

Theresa May Remain Remoaner
Theresa May campaigned strongly for Remain during the EU Referendum – photo – Twitter

Squatter Refuses to Leave Number 10

0

A squatter has taken over Number 10 Downing Street.

Rubio Maldani contacted Westminster Council about the situation and said he was woken up at 2am one night with the horrendous sound of “wailing”.

Westminster Council got involved following complaints from residents and served the squatter with a noise abatement notice.

Enforcement officers visited the building on Thursday after the Conservative party applied for a possession order to be enforced through the 1922 Committee. It is understood the squatter still refuses to move out despite a pending hearing.

Mr. Maldani said he and a neighbour had seen the mess made by the squatter.

“Sofa’s were piled up against the door, the windows barricaded, and the stench was something awful.

“Night and day, this awful wailing sound would emanate from the building, then more shouting and the sound of objects being thrown around.”

A spokesman for the Conservative party, Arthur Butts, was adamant that the situation will come to a head soon.

“We’ve tried everything with this squatter, but she still refuses to leave. It is coming to a point where something has to give, does she not have any form of dignity or thought for her own party?”

The Conservative party HQ are even thinking of sending in the SAS to halt this ridiculous standoff.

EU Experts: Empires Cannot Survive Without Constant Expansion

0

One thing that is not delved upon regarding the EU is its expansionist policies which are necessary for its very survival.

“Without constant expansion, the EU like any other empire will not survive. This is why it is asserting its authority with increasing urgency and plans to conquer more land further to the East.

“The undoing of Napoleon was Russia, and the undoing of Hitler was Russia, but the EU’s forward plan is to swallow up economically as many states as it can closer to its arch nemesis Russia before moving in for the economic and military conquest of that expansive nation.

“We must look at the EU as a reverse of the Third Reich. Where Hitler went wrong was to pursue conquest first militarily, which was his eventual undoing. The EU however conquers nations without military might but economically and is now only pursuing an EU army late in its development. From that standpoint, the EU then eviscerates the entire conquered nation from within by paying off corrupt politicians/institutions, and from there dictating its strict regulatory laws upon the conquered nation.

“Hitler was not able to conquer Britain and was defeated not only by the resilience of the British people at the time, but by the Channel. The EU for forty years has taken over Britain, its laws, its regulations and economy, as well as the British parliament where two thirds of the MPs are under the payroll of the EU. Business in the UK is now almost completely dependent on their EU masters, and this is why it is nigh on impossible to extricate itself from the EU even after a conclusive victory by the Brexiteers in the EU referendum of 2016.

“European history always stops with Russia. The tenacity of the Russian people must never be underestimated, even through economic hardship, they have always survived. Stalingrad, a symbol of the pure will to succeed of the Russian resistance to conquest where fighters fought their German adversaries just a few yards from being pushed into the river Volga, is a story that will always serve as a lesson to military historians on the futility of invading Russia. The German sixth army, were eventually surrounded from both sides, their men stranded, underclothed in the freezing conditions, abandoned by the senior officers and generals, ultimately forgotten by Hitler who was in Berlin declaring victory over the Russians.

“The Roman empire died as expansion contracted, and the British empire is further proof that without constant conquest of new spoils, contraction and dilapidation are assured.

“Where has the European Union got to go but Russia? There are no more lands to conquer that are Christian going East. Asia minor, is the land of the Turk, and an anathema to the EU, which abhors everything Turkish, but even if it does conquer Turkey and assimilate its economy, it will still have to look north from there across the Black Sea to Russia. The EU has to be on the constant move to survive, without movement only death creeps in to its empire of economic conquest.

“The EU cannot look West, because that is the realm of the United States, although some South American countries could possibly be capitulated, the distance to Europe is too great for efficient control.

“Working backwards, the EU has first established conquest through economic might, and is now creating an EU army. This will be their final solution to Russia, which they know is immune to their economic sanctions and might. Russia will have to be weakened further, then with the European army Russia will have to be defeated militarily through the Ukraine and onwards. Naturally, this will be the undoing of the EU empire, as history has seen many fallen empires try the military route and fail.

“Economic stagnation within the European Union, massive debt from the southern nations like Italy, Spain and Greece will further add a burden to the EU as it will struggle to close the bleeding wound in its side.

“The EU has to expand or die.”

Conservative Party to Get Loads of Votes in European Elections

0

The polling company that conducted the survey on 10,000 dead people across the United Kingdom came up with the amazing statistics which will bolster Theresa May and her Conservative party team.

“We interviewed 10,000 corpses, and found that they would all vote Conservative at the European elections. We will even try to deliver the coffins to the polling stations on the day,” head of BORI polls, Masjit Bandasara, told Sky news today.

Contrary to other polls that project a major drubbing of the Conservative party due to the lacklustre ‘leadership’ of Theresa May and her Remainers, the most recent poll has been greeted with delight at Tory HQ.

“Well, who better to vote for the Tory party than dead people. Look at Theresa May, she is barely being held together by the thick formaldehyde makeup she wears over her decaying rotting face,” one poor Tory said before slinking back into a dark corner.

Labour denizens were quick to chime in, the leader even accusing the Tories of trying to skew the vote by cheating.

“Labour brought in millions of migrants into the UK from 1997 onward for the very reason that we would get votes, but now the sneaky Tories are trying to use dead people to bolster their voter base. This is a criminal action and we will go to the electoral commission about this outrage!” Jeremy Corbyn said from his dacha in Islington.

Jamie Oliver to Open New Chain of Restaurants

TV chef Jamie Oliver is to open a new chain of restaurants in the Shoreditch area.

The restaurants will be called ‘Fat Tongue’ and only serve dishes of tongue, the chef revealed Tuesday.

“I wanted to open a chain of restaurants that exemplify my personality and makeup. Look at my tongue *sticking tongue out*. It’s a fat tongue, and it goes with my mockney accent very well. We’ll be selling tongue, lashings of fucking tongue, here, there and everywhere. Innit!”

BBC7 will be airing a docu-series about Fat Tongue and show the inner workings of the restaurant chain with boss Jamie Oliver waving his fat fucking tongue around for everyone to see. The show should air in October.

“Jubbly”

The menu for the chain will be the usual slop Oliver likes to present, but with the added bonus of having ox tongue, pig tongue, and sheep tongue along with delicacies like grouse tongue.

“I’ve seen Jamie Oliver’s fat tongue, and have been in awe at it’s sheer magnitude for some time,” chef Alonso Mulligatawny, told BBC newsnight.

The restaurant chain will prove lucrative to the TV chef and his business partners, when it will probably be liquidated in a year or so.

BREAKING: Kim Kardashian Thwarts Dangerous Toxic Leak in Beverly Hills

The incident occurred today in Beverly Hills when Kim Kardashian was shopping for another set of handbags.

According to witnesses at the scene, a truck was passing when one of its valves came unloose. The valve compartment measured 3 feet across and the truck had just travelled from a toxic waste depot.

“This stuff was pouring out all over the sidewalk. One woman’s chihuahua practically melted in front of our fucking eyes when the toxic shit splattered over it. That’s when I saw Kim, she dropped her bags, undid her leopard skin pattern leotard, and put her ass against the leakage. Many were fainting from the fumes. Kim Kardashian is my hero, her asshole saved hundreds of people today,” Miles Fetnoer, 43, a witness to the accident revealed.

To plug a hole three feet across is no easy feat but Kim Kardashian managed it with ease.

Each Kardashian buttock has been carefully moulded by the best professionals in the cosmetic surgery field of Los Angeles, and they are modelled on buttocks of black women.

Cosmetic surgeon Dr. Phil Penrose, of Beverly Hills, was quick to assert the effectiveness of his masterpiece.

“Kim and and many of the Kardashian clan only like black. They like their men black, and their asses black. I am so happy she saved the day today with her butt. The amount of sculpting that her project took was immense. I don’t just do trout lips, and beach ball tit implants, I also do the Kardashian butt, and white women are queueing around the block to have me carve them up and stuff ’em. They actually pay for it too.”

The Mayor of Los Angeles, Enrique Polantes, praised Kim Kardashian and plans on holding a ceremony honouring her heroic buttocks.

“Kim saved the day with her butt. Many people would have died today if it was not for her ginormous asshole, and I’m not just talking about Kanye.”

Why Use Cloud-based Software For Your Business

Cloud computing refers to the scalable and elastic internet-based services that providers offer to many external customers. Today, most business people are not storing data and applications on their desktop computers or local networks. They are now opting for the cloud – a shared network of database servers and scalable applications hosted in many locations around the globe. Remote file management and software-as-a-service are among cloud computing applications. Here are some of the reason you need to use cloud-based software for your business.

Efficient data backup

As a business owner, you possibly know the benefits of backing up your business and personal data. Without data backup, you are likely to lose everything if a system failure or any other disaster happened. Apart from helping you simplify the process of updating your data automatically as you work, cloud storage creates many copies of the data off-site where it will remain safe from theft, natural disasters and malfunction.

Mobile working

Technology allows business owners to make fully functional offices, which they can access with their smartphone devices or personal computers. The cloud serves better in this area because business owners can access and sync their personal data and that of their businesses from any place. As a result, they can move with their office to any place and access information at any time. They can also request files from their employees.

Flexibility

After you start using cloud computing, you will realise that the business operations will be more flexible. You can outsource the routine IT operations such as the data backup/storage and start focusing on the main operations like website design and development. A quick example, you can rely on Hoxro.co.uk, which use cloud-based storage to develop software programs in the UK and focus on the value-added components of your business. With cloud computing, group collaboration will be easier. You can rely on freelance software engineers from all parts of the world if they can use virtual meetings and document sharing to collaborate on your projects.

Cost-effective

Businesses are able to avoid upfront costs associated with installing or purchasing hardware systems and software applications. This is more helpful for businesses that operate on tight budgets. They can now rent storage space and software applications if necessary and avoid the risks associated with the installation of expensive systems only to realise that they do not match the needs of their company. Cloud computing will turn the fixed costs of your business into variable costs. You will pay for what you need solely and leave what you do not need therefore reducing the fixed overhead costs.

Better performance

High-speed internet connections facilitate faster transfer of data and real-time communication between business and customers. An employee can log in from his/her home and communicate with the work colleagues in a different time zone. Cloud computing provides unlimited storage space and will free up your desktop processing capacity and storage. System crash or a lightning strike could easily destroy the business data you have stored in the local network but it will not affect any that you have stored in the cloud. With cloud computing, you will reduce energy costs due to the associated sharing of resources.

Cloud computing has several challenges. Use of cloud to store critical information and prevent loses in cases of a major network outage. For example, email service outages might leave your customers without the communication tools they need. Privacy is another concern because some criminal elements might access your personal data. Some companies are reluctant of using the cloud due to security issues such as information theft, computer hacking and unauthorised access to their sensitive data.