Fresh from the High street hairdressers, the Spice Girls now come resplendent with a full set of bingo wings and hungry bank accounts to match.
Their latest desperate venture is a tour because they need money, well, Posh Spice who is the bones behind Beckham does not but the rest do.
“I need a new extension to my Macclesfield council house,” Sporty Spice says as she bemoans the cost of hiring Romanian tradesmen who are putting up their prices everywhere.
“I need a new Stenna stairlift for the mansion some rich chump bought me,” says Ginger Geri-atric Spice.
“I need a new personality because I never had one anyway,” squeaks Baby Spice Bunton with a vacant look. A tall order if we ever heard and one that money can never rectify.
“I need a new man,” says Posh Spice as she looks through a private detective report detailing her husband’s daily and nightly activities.
“I just need more gibsme cash because spent it all, innit,” says Spook Spice shouting like an angry cave woman.
The Spice Girls will all rake in 1 million pounds each for the 24 date tour.
This is not a bad proposition seeing as they do not have to sing one note throughout the 24 date tour.
The Spice Girls who have no talent or musical ability whatsoever have been busy in the studio having experts put down tracks so that they can mime to all the songs on stage.
“We have them sing in the studio, well, they can’t sing per se, they just grunt and besides it is so off key anyway,” one of the engineers says “…but after we digitally assist with Antares Autotune their atrocious voices we have them sounding like angels, and hey presto!”
The Antares technology used can alter anyone’s voice to sing in correct pitch in real time and in the studio.
The Zimmer frame Girls are currently having a refresher course about the art of miming from their first days of fame with a professional mime coach, Ashlee Simpson, who has been recruited for the extensive tour.
“It’s been many years since we been on stage miming so we got all our ‘zimmer zimmer ah’ dance moves together too innit!” says Spook Spice from backstage.
Wishing the Girl Power team a great cashing in season.