17.7 C
London
Thursday, April 9, 2026
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 284

Biden Running For Senate of Outer Mongolia in 1956

Amadeus
-
0
Biden Running For Senate of Outer Mongolia in 1956

Sleepy Joe Biden says he is fit to run for senate in the province of Outer Mongolia in 1956.

Speaking at a home town rally attended by three people, Biden was emphatic that the year was 1956, and he was running for senate.

“This year in 1956, July, on a Sunday, I, Joe Biden, look me up somewhere, am running for senate in Ohio, Outer Mongolia. I’m gonna be there and you’re gonna vote for me. Look at my poll numbers on the radio. Look at my poll numbers on the MSNBCDEF. It’s all there folks, we’re taking it to Outer Mongolia boulevard and back. Jabba the Hut! Neep, neep round the way Sally!”

The crowd of three Democrats all cheered with gusto at Biden’s words.

“You could stick a potato up there and have a tape recorder behind talking gibberish and Democrats will vote for it. They don’t seem to care that an incompetent buffoon like Biden would have to deal with very sharp world leaders out to get the USA during a presidency. They don’t seem to care that this person doesn’t even know what fucking day or even year we’re in right now. They don’t care that this person is incapable of making serious decisions regarding America’s national security or nuclear arms. All they care about is getting Trump out, who is sharp, fit, and is no fool to those who want to do harm to the USA. The Democrats really do not care for America, they’re just vindictive and want Trump out,” a commentator watching the whole sorry show said before slinking into the darkness.

In November, America will be fighting for its very life, its very existence as a country. This means that America right now is in extreme danger, because there are reckless voters out there who would vote for Joe Biden despite the evidence that he is in a serious degenerative state of dementia, and he would cause America great harm if he was elected.

Sleepy Joe Being Trained in How to Handle Nuclear Button

Amadeus
-
0
Sleepy Joe Being Trained in How to Handle Nuclear Button

“Am I in Utah? I’m running for senate tomorrow! This Mormon guy once told me…er…he said something to me about something and I don’t know! It’s a long road to Tipperary! Gubba, gubba, gubba!” Sleepy Joe Biden said as a National Security Adviser tried to show him the ropes to the red button for America’s nuclear weapons.

“Sir if you’re going to be president as the polls show, we gotta show you the ropes so you’re clued in. Please sir, stop looking over there, the button is here!”

Sleepy Joe’s attention eventually moves to the matter at hand.

“Sir, you see this key card, you snap the casing off, and there will be a code there. You need to key in the code to this machine. Then you need to put your left eye in this socket to be scanned.”

“So, when they tell me to do that I just do it? Sounds like fun, is it some kind of computer game? Bing! Wow, did you see that blinking light? Can I put any number in here?”

“No sir, it has to be the number on the card or the launch sequences will not be activated.”

“Launch sequence? Sounds kinda strange, I was in Oregon the other week, or was it California, anyways, the Mormons had a launch of my presidency and no one showed up, so I told them I would rather be going for the senate anyways. Ding dong! I need to go to the toilet sir, I got my hand up! Have you seen junior’s grades?”

“Sir, please pay attention, this is serious! When the generals and military people tell you to fire the missiles, you press this red button.”

“I don’t see no Jack in the box, is he under the table? If I press this button will he give me a scare, my ticker might not take that!”

“No Sir, there is no Jack in the Box, this is the nuclear button.”

“Okay, okay, I got it! They tell me to do that and I just press the button. It’s real easy!”

“Yes sir, just like if the Chinese want you to sign something or the Iranians want a deal, just go ahead and sign without reading what you’re signing. That’s what Obama did for eight years and no one even batted an eyelid.”

“Obamy! I remember that boy he was talented! I think he was Amish from Pennsylvania. He was the guy who won the Olympics, yeah, I remember he won gold in badminton. What a genius!”

“No sir, Obama was the president and you were vice president.”

“No, I’m running for senate, you got that wrong son. I was chasing little girls in Washington before you had a diaper rash sucking on your momma’s titty! I think CSPAN got the footage, all of it!”

“Sir, please can we finish this, it’s important. Maybe the nurse can give you your daily dose of adrenochrome. Would you feel better then sir?”

“So I press this button! What happens then?”

“Sir, it’s called mutual destruction. The US absorbs a certain number of strikes, but we obliterate the rest of the world, and there’s no sun for thirty years.”

“Sounds great, when can we get started? When am I going to be told what to do?”

“Sir, when the time is right, and it is the last resort!”

“I was at that Florida resort, what’s it called, Romney Land?”

Sleepy Joe then falls asleep on the adviser’s lap.

I’ve Got Tiers Rolling Down My Cheeks

Amadeus
-
0
I’ve Got Tiers Rolling Down My Cheeks

Do lockdowns work? Not for certain businesses they don’t and that’s why many people now have tiers in their eyes from all the tiers of lockdown rules manifesting everywhere, especially up north.

The grimness of the whole tier system is a sign that the government is basically flailing in the dark when it comes to preventing the spread of the dastardly virus.

Advice from one expert can always differ from another, and the advice coming into Number 10 is obviously conflicting, causing unnecessary chaos.

The fact is, humans will have to change to cope with this virus. The Covid-19 virus will continue to infect humans for decades, because it is nigh on impossible to create a valid vaccine for something that creates antibodies only for a few weeks. People can thus be re-infected as many times as they come into contact with the airborne killer. You may not die the first time around, but maybe the fourth or fifth time, the viral load increases, and boom you’re on a ventilator.

Society must change, for example in Britain, many people put boozing in pubs above catching a deadly virus and dying. That is the mindset of millions of people in the UK, and because of this mindset, many will eventually die from the virus, sooner or later.

Shops and businesses will eventually fail and the old system of jobs will have to adapt to the changes. Replacing the old systems was never going to be easy, and it will take time, but eventually a form of adaptation occurs, and is accepted.

Jobs, whole industries will disappear, much like happened during the Industrial Revolution, as technology superseded the old ways. The era of AI, robotics and automation are practically upon us, and the virus is a clear opportunity for the controllers to bring in this new era of human technique.

There is no doubt there will be many disenchanted people, however they will be given two options – adapt or die. Those who do adapt to the new landscape and embrace technology will move forward with the wave, those who do not will become extinct.

Self-sufficiency of course is the key to survival in any situation; to be off-grid, to utilise solar and wind energy, to harvest your rainwater, to grow your own food and manufacture your own tools. Survival in isolation is now the metre to success, especially with a raging virus carried by humans everywhere. In the past, isolation was considered as dangerous, today it is considered as essential for survival.

From all these points of reference, China is always watching, it has unleashed this virus onto the West, and the rest of the earth, but it is patient, because it knows that the economic damage will be vast, and the CCP is waiting like a vulture to swoop down and pick the meat off the bones once the worst of the damage is done.

The Chinese are simply preparing the field before they walk in, and to weaken the enemy is the best option, as they are doing now. Who is to say that Covid-19 was not just a taster? The Chinese scientists may come up with an even more devilish concoction that deals even more damage than their first attempt.

“The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.”

“Supreme excellence consists of breaking the enemy’s resistance without fighting.”

Sun Tzu

BLM ANTIFA Celebrate Murder of American Patriot by Marxist Gunman

Amadeus
-
0
BLM ANTIFA Celebrate Murder of American Patriot by Marxist Gunman

Matthew Doloff, a known Marxist BLM communist Bernie Sanders supporter, shot an American patriot protester in cold blood on Saturday during another ‘peaceful’ BLM protest.

The BLM and ANTIFA crowds all celebrated the death of the American patriot chanting ‘Fuck America’ and ‘Another Nazi dead’. During the BLM march two American flags were burnt and stamped on calling for Death to America.

We have not included any footage of the unsavoury act here, but it can be found all over the internet with a few searches.

Doloff, was identified as a left-wing agitator from the distinctive ‘Rosa Antifa Wien’ space invader tattoo that BLM and ANTIFA activists sport. He was supposedly working for a left-wing news media outlet as a security guard.

American citizens who love their country and want to defend it from rioting and looting, as well as the encroaching spectre of communism are labelled as far-right white supremacist fascists by BLM/ANTIFA agitators and the socialist controlled media.

Denver CommunistsAs the November election nears, the tension in America is growing daily, the violence becoming deadlier at every insurgent BLM activist demonstration.

The Democrat party, who fully support the rioting and looting incite more riots daily even having the gall to describe these acts of violence as justified peaceful protests.

America has become so polarised between the left and right that it is almost inevitable that there will be mass civil disorder when the election occurs, especially if the result is disputed in any way.

It seems funding for BLM and ANTIFA is so huge that they would certainly have the upper hand against the American patriots if it came to a fight. With access to large resources, BLM and ANTIFA can buy as many weapons as they want.

Civil war here we come. The next civil war will be between the Marxist communists fighting for totalitarian oppression and communism, and the American Democratic Patriots fighting for freedom and liberty.

World Mental Health Day All About Me, Me, Me!

Amadeus
-
0
World Mental Health Day All About Me, Me, Me!

“Everything is about me! I was the most trolled person on the internet in 2019, and 2020, as well as hopefully 2021, otherwise I will have nothing to whine about, god forbid!” Meghan Markle whined on a recent propaganda podcast for herself on World Mental Health Day.

You see, the world revolves around Meghan Markle’s fat egotistical head, even all of your mental illnesses are all based solely on Meghan’s supposed suffering.

“No one ever suffered like me. We were on our fourth private jet flight over the Atlantic that week, I’ll never forget it. The air stewardess brought us champagne and fresh lobster, but all I could think of was all the thousands of people who could see through my fake plastic facade commenting on the internet. They don’t know me, they don’t know of the heartache I feel as my faux Diana impersonation is torn apart everyday by internet trolls, that’s what I call them trolls, because they expose my narcissism, virtue signalling, grifting and plastic me, me, me schizoid persona,” Meghan yelped furiously.

“I am so irritated by all these trolls, would they say those things to my face? I don’t personally read what is said about me, because I like to think I am above all that, so I get my personal book writer ‘Scooby’ automaton to tell me exactly what is happening even though I am myself glued to the internet searching daily of what is said about me. In fact, I actually love it because the more they say things about me, the more I get in the news. All of it feeds my huge fucking ego!”

Meghan Markle who seems to be pursuing an agenda to ruin the British monarchy, is actively using Prince Harry who is of real royal blood to continue her devilish pursuit of destruction against an institution she hates with a vengeance, and to bolster her vast narcissistic ego.

One royal commentator revealed: “If Harry was not there, she would not have the royal title, so she is using him purely for his royal title for her agenda of destroying the British monarchy by divulging private royal workings and illicit news to besmirch the thousand-year British institution. Harry has now been indoctrinated into the Meghan cult, and like in all cults, previous family and friends are rejected, isolating him further. He now hands all his money to the cult leader without question, and divulges royal secrets to Meghan that should be held only by the covenant of the Monarchy.”

It is indeed a possibility that royal secrets that Harry was inducted into could be revealed at any moment during a paid tell-all interview to the American media or some exploitative streaming channel.

Along with meddling with the U.S. elections and dumping royal protocols of political impartiality, Harry is not of sound mind, thus could under the control and duress of Meghan reveal information that could endanger the constitutional viability of the British monarchy at any time.

The clock is ticking, and Meghan and Harry now have the Windsor clan by the crown jewels.

Think Tank: Military Lockdown Could Eradicate Virus in Month

Amadeus
-
0
Think Tank: Military Lockdown Could Eradicate Virus in Month

The UK could eradicate Covid-19 virus completely from Britain in a single month, but only if a proper lockdown is put into place, and not a laissez-faire, wishy-washy one.

To completely cleanse Britain of Covid-19, all ports of entry, air/sea/rail would have to be shut down completely for a month only allowing essential freight.

All households would be under lockdown with army patrols in the streets enforcing the shutdown and supplying the vulnerable. Anyone leaving their home unless sanctioned, and wearing a mask, would be taken to offshore holding ships and detained for the whole month.

All schools, educational institutions, would be shut down for the entire month. All businesses, apart from food delivery, medical, or transport delivery would be shut down for the month. All public transport in Britain would be shut down for a month.

Any illegal migrants crossing the Channel in dinghies would be detained immediately and taken to the same offshore prison ships indefinitely.

The short sharp strict approach would eradicate the virus in a single month from the entire Island. It would also be less costly for the government, and the taxpayer.

There would be an interim period after a month’s lockdown of two weeks, where a tiered approach would be utilised to re-open businesses, and schools etc. During this period all ports of entry into the UK would still be closed apart from essential supply freight.

This strict fast militarized approach would work to eradicate the virus completely from Britain, however, as soon as International travel and the ports are re-opened to human traffic, it is inevitable that the virus will once again spread in the UK from other infected areas of the globe.

Every human within the British Isles would have to be tested for the virus at some point during the lockdown.

This plan could also be introduced globally for a month, subject to getting governments to comply, however this is highly unlikely to happen because there is no global unity and no one world governmental system of control yet.

The plan would only eradicate the virus from the UK for a single month because it is inevitable that once ports re-open for humans, they will bring in the virus, and the cycle will start all over again. It is inconceivable that the current UK government would close all ports for more than a month or even a month, therefore the plan would only work with a government that is wakened to the seriousness of the situation in a military sense. The world is being attacked by the Chinese Virus constantly indefinitely.

Hillary Clinton Ate the Fly Off Mike Pence’s Head

Amadeus
-
0
Hillary Clinton Ate the Fly Off Mike Pence’s Head

Many have had suspicions about Hillary Clinton, is she really of this world, does she have human emotions, and is she a shapeshifting reptilian from Alpha Centauri masquerading as a human on earth?

Hillary did attend the Vice President Debate with Mike Pence and Kamala Harris at the University of Utah the other night, but what we are going to tell you may seem unbelievable.

One studio witness is receiving counselling after what he saw on that fateful night.

“Hillary was in the wings supporting Kamala during the VP debate when a fucking fly landed on Mike Pence’s perfectly coiffured white hair. At first, we started giggling like little kids as we watched the fly just sit on Pence’s head as he spoke for two minutes, but then I saw a change in Hillary Clinton that has changed my whole perspective on reality. Her nostrils flared up, and she started to sniff the air snorting wildly.

“Mrs. Clinton now had a wild look in her eyes, that at moments looked like the pupils were slits, you know like a reptile, but I figured it was just the studio lights playing with her eyes. She opened her mouth slowly revealing a very long raspy tongue, which darted out at such speed it was not visible to the human eye.

“The Mike Pence fly was toast after that. I looked back in horror to see a look of extreme pleasure on Hillary’s face as she crunched down on the fly. Some fly guts seeped out onto her lower lip. She licked up the dregs rolling her eyes in ecstasy burping loudly. That’s when I left the stage wing area in a hurry but could not hold my vomit. I projectile vomited over a CNN reporter, his open mouth receiving large chunks of partially fermented pork stew I had eaten for supper.”

Suffice to say, the fly that landed on Mike Pence’s head during the discussion ended up being consumed by Hillary Clinton. The fly did not land on Pence’s head though without leaving something behind, a load of fly eggs, before having its time cut short so suddenly by being snatched up on Hillary’s tongue.

Kamala Harris Outlines Bolshevik American Soviet Dream

Amadeus
-
0
Kamala Harris Outlines Bolshevik American Soviet Dream

As a trained Marxist, Kamala Harris is well schooled in skewing the facts to suit the Soviet message she delivers constantly to the pliant American audiences at the election debates.

The raison d’être of this Soviet woman’s zeal is very simple, once in power, the weak Biden will be pushed aside and all manner of communist policies will be put in place. There is no way in hell that Biden will be able to stand up to this powerhouse of Soviet ideology if the Democrats cheat their way into winning the election.

Along with massive voter fraud in Minnesota, and evidence of ruined Trump ballots shredded in containers across the nation, there is a possibility that the Soviet Marxists will win the election through the use of massive organised voter fraud.

There is nothing the Democrats are not resorting to at the moment, as they encourage violent insurrection through their funded revolutionary agitators ANTIFA and BLM. Looting, rioting and arson now define the Democrat party, who have moved so far left that even Lenin would have second thoughts.

The Democrat party are the Oppression Olympics champions of the election circuit, everything about them is a big fucking moaning session as they flagellate themselves in front of the adoring socialist media cameras.

America at the moment is literally fighting for its life, and to this end, if the Democrat socialist party wins, the people will be punished so severely it will be witnessed from space.

You get what you vote for, and the American people have not heeded the warnings of history about communism and Marxism. Throughout history communism has condemned over 160 million people to death, and if the communists win the last ever American election, it is notable that the communist death tally will increase by millions more.

Teflon Don in Twitter Roid Rage Rampage Crashes Dow

Amadeus
-
0
Teflon Don in Twitter Roid Rage Rampage Crashes Dow

They gave the Teflon Don steroids in hospital to stabilise his recovery and dampen inflammation, but seems like the president has now succumbed to a bout of roid rage going on a Twitter rampage never before seen by anyone.

The Dow took a major tumble after the Teflon Don tweeted that he was shutting Covid relief talks.

In the space of twenty minutes, the president had tweeted 45 times, not stopping for a breather.

“Contracting the Covid-19 virus can cause the recipient to experience altered states of consciousness, and adversely affect their emotions, in conjunction with the drugs doctors prescribe for the patient these can have additional effects. Notably, the president was given dexamethasone, a steroid that can create a state of mania in the patient,” one medical practitioner revealed after witnessing the Trump Twitter roid rage rampage.

Obamagate and the Hillary Russia Hoax were also part of the Tweet storm, and it is most certain Obama and Hillary Clinton are now waiting to be exposed for their treasonous actions. Unfortunately, treason is not taken as seriously as it was in the past, and these two miscreants even though exposed will probably walk Scott free.

One thing’s for sure, Trump is still on the meds and nothing or anyone is going to stop the Teflon Don from doing what he is doing.

Tribute to Eddie Van Halen RIP

Amadeus
-
0
Tribute to Eddie Van Halen RIP

There’s one band that is on almost constant rotation on the Daily Squib office stereo and that’s Van Halen, chiefly led by Eddie Van Halen possibly one of the most innovative guitarists of modern times.

If you’re a guitarist you will know of the famous ‘brown sound’ pioneered by Eddie in those early days when he experimented with a Variac on his Marshall amps sometimes melting the tubes, as well as doing crazy things to his humbuckers like adding hot paraffin wax to eradicate unwanted feedback. Eddie also took harmonics and finger tapping to the next level. The seminal Kreutzer Eruption master work defining Eddie throughout his career.

There are whole libraries dedicated to the intricacies of Eddie’s playing style, and YouTube videos of people trying to recreate his guitar wizardry.

The pioneering 1978 album, up to 1984 with Roth, and a few albums with Hagar were testament to a true musician’s musician. When Van Halen I came out, people thought a fucking alien had landed with a guitar, it was truly something different.

Drop D tuning added to the warm sound on the early records, although kudos also has to go to producer Ted Templeman for his ultimate guiding force in shaping those early masterpieces.

This is a sad, sad day, and a great legend has passed. There is not a dry eye in the DS office, even the cat has a mournful look in his eyes.

Rock’n’roll flags are now flying at half-mast…and the Daily Squib office is officially in a state of mourning.

Wherever Eddie is right now, he’s probably noodling around on the guitar whilst his dad is playing on the clarinet.

Eddie Van Halen just died folks…this shit is real!

 

 

1...283284285...814Page 284 of 814
squib footer 270

Breaking News

Copyright © Daily Squib 2026.

The Daily Squib is a curious satirical parody newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news.

KAjwhriuw024hvjbed2SORH