17.7 C
London
Tuesday, December 16, 2025
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 795

Artists Hold Benefit Concert for Themselves

Laurence Olivier
-
0
Artists Hold Benefit Concert for Themselves

“I’m sick of all the hypocrisy, we have always been in it for ourselves, and we all know it,” says an ashamed pop star who wants to remain anonymous for now.

The truth is, benefits concerts like “Live8 – Make Poverty History” and “Live Earth” are simply vehicles for record companies and artists to sell more records and stroke their already huge egos even further.

“No one in their right mind would even think that a stupid pledge like ‘Make Poverty History’ will actually do anything to anyone apart from the self-serving artist on stage,” says one of the architects of the artists worldwide concerts “These are all tools we use to revive dead artists as well as increase sales for live artists too.”

“After Live8 we gained new fans and our record sales increased by 75%, now that is fucking incredible, we sure made poverty history there because we were desperate since our 80s stardom, I was close to bankruptcy and the royalties had all gone up my nose in the 90s,” exclaimed a bleary-eyed Simon Le Ponce.

HAVE YOUR SAY
I did my bit by turning off my TV for 24 hours. I did not use any transport on the day to go to any silly concert either.
Ronson Corns, Sidcup

 

 

 

 

 

“The ‘Benefit The Corporate Artists’ concert is going to benefit me because I would like some more money,” Joss Stone says from her Malibu mansion.

This time, the new pledge will not be some false and preposterous impossibility engineered by marketeers to increase sales off the misery of the less fortunate but will be a blatant pledge to give to the egos and bank balances of all the people involved.

These corporate artists who will gather together for the worldwide concerts are for the first time in their sordid careers being true to themselves, some have had to have extensive psychiatric help to deal with this issue.

“Not one penny or cent is going to charity this time, before we gave 14% to charity with pledge concerts but now 100% goes to the artists involved.” says one of the accountants in the team jubilantly.

No doubt this concert will pull in the crowds, the many corporate artists who have signed up are all in line to make a financial killing.

The concerts will be held in New York, São Paulo, Paris, Shanghai, Los Angeles, London, Milan, Sydney, Tokyo, Madrid and Stockholm.

Preparations are underway for the worldwide concerts and after yesterday’s grand finale at ‘Live Earth’ where Al Gore actually lifted off the stage and was propelled by hot air into the atmosphere, organisers for the ‘Benefit The Corporate Artists’ concert are brainstorming on what they can do to top that.

Watch this space for forthcoming dates and final line-up for the “Benefit The Corporate Artists” worldwide extravaganza.

Sponsors “Benefit The Corporate Artists” concert have already arranged for a massive fireworks extravaganza and light show that would rival any new years party.

The pledge that will be touted this time is a blatant “You Give – We Take”

Spread the word people, at least they are being honest this time.

Discovery Bigger Than Octosquid Pulled from Ocean

Laurence Olivier
-
0
Discovery Bigger Than Octosquid Pulled from Ocean

The groundbreaking discovery was made off Yoshie Reef near Semporna Beach in Borneo.

Scientists were diving in the Reef area when they managed to take a photograph of the creature.

Chief Scientist Dr David Warner was about to abandon his dive when he saw the creature, “We were in the area and damn pissed off that we had not found our own Octosquid creature. We’ve been here for 3 years and all we get are regular tropical fish, no giant squids, no octopus’ and certainly no octosquids. Then out of the blue I saw this thing come at me then flit off like a bullet. I nearly swallowed my breathing apparatus. As you can see from the picture it is a mermaid creature and humanoid with a fish tail.”

The Scientists are now whooping with delight that their expedition has finally come up with a new discovery.

The Californian Institute of Marine Biology was about to abandon the doctors research grant within six months but now he is certainly going to keep the funding.

And now what the world has all been waiting for; the unveiling for the first time in any publication and exclusively only on the Daily Squib.


The creature appeared out of nowhere then swam off at high speed

The scientists still have to name the new creature and have exclusively asked our readers to submit names for it.Please forward your name suggestions to [email protected].

The winner will be given a full expenses paid trip to Borneo to carry on the search with the expedition for this wonderful and fascinating discovery.

Live Earth Celebrities’ Carbon Footprint Huge

Laurence Olivier
-
0
Live Earth Celebrities’ Carbon Footprint Huge

Live Earth will stage official concerts at Giants Stadium in New York, Wembley Stadium in London, Aussie Stadium in Sydney, Maropeng at the Cradle of Humankind in Johannesburg,

Makuhari Messe in Tokyo, the Steps of the Oriental Pearl Tower in Shanghai, and HSH Nordbank Arena in Hamburg.

The Live Earth event online is sponsored by Chevy which produces 5 miles per gallon trucks, SUV’s and other gas guzzlers.

Madonna who will be the main attraction at the London concert herself owns a collection of fuel-guzzling cars, including a Mercedes Maybach, two Range Rovers, Audi A8s and a Mini Cooper S.

She flies everywhere in her private jets and her Confessions tour produced 440 tonnes of CO2 in four months of last year. That was just the flights between the countries, not taking into account the truckloads of equipment needed, the power to stage such a show and the transport of all the thousands of fans getting to the gigs.

The Carbon footprint for the whole Live Earth event is estimated at 7,000 tonnes of CO2 emissions. This does not include the private jets of all the celebrities who will be attending, or the thousands of people who will drive in their cars to each concert.

An average British person produces ten tonnes of CO2 emissions per annum.

 




The Red Hot Chilli Peppers who will be attending the London concert, produced 220 tonnes of CO2 with their private jet alone over six months on their last world tour which was 42 dates.

The estimated rubbish waste created by all the Live Earth concerts worldwide is estimated at just under 10,000 tonnes and this is not including the noise pollution that will emanate from the celebrities themselves.

All this hypocrisy just so that a few corporate celebrities can stoke up more album sales and stroke their egos even further boggles the mind.

There is however some good news for those who are forced to sit through the celebrity ego festival – The Arctic Monkeys are boycotting the event because they are not getting centre stage billing. So at least your misery will not be truly unbearable.

Spice Girls Really Wanna Zimmer Zimmer ah!

Laurence Olivier
-
0
Spice Girls Really Wanna Zimmer Zimmer ah!

Fresh from the bingo hall the Spice Girls now come resplendent with a full set of bingo wings to match.

They will soon embark on a world tour because they need money, well, Posh Spice who is the bones behind Beckham does not but the rest do.

“I need a new washer and dryer,” Sporty Spice says as she bemoans her last washer chewing up her tracksuit bottoms and other chav gear.

“I need a new Stenna stairlift for my mansion,” says Ginger Geri-atric Spice.

“I need a new personality because I never had one anyway,” squeaks Baby Spice Bunton with a vacant look. A tall order if we ever heard and one that money can never rectify.

“I need a new man,” says Scary Spice as she looks through a paternity dossier from her lawyers.

“I don’t need anyfing because my David gives me anyfing I want innit,” says Posh Spice pouting like a simian sour lemon.

 

pic used with kind permission Great Architect

 

 

The Spice Girls will all rake in 10 million pounds each for the worldwide tour.

This is not a bad proposition seeing as they do not have to sing one note throughout the 20 date tour.

The Spice Girls who have no talent or musical ability whatsoever have been busy in the studio putting down tracks so that they can mime to all the songs on stage.

“We have them sing in the studio, well, they can’t sing per se, they just grunt and besides it is so off key anyway,” one of the engineers says “…but after we digitally assist their atrocious voices we have them sounding like angels, and hey presto!”

The Antares technology used can alter anyones voice to sing in correct pitch in real time and in the studio.

The Zimmer frame Girls are currently having a refresher course about the art of miming from their first days of fame with a professional mime coach, Ashlee Simpson, who has been recruited for the extensive tour.

“It’s been many years since we been on stage miming so we got all our ‘zimmer zimmer ah’ dance moves together too innit!” says Posh Spice from her Aston Martin Vantage.

The group said the shows would be in Los Angeles on Dec. 12; Las
Vegas on Dec. 13; New York on Dec. 14; London on Dec. 18; Cologne,
Germany, on Dec. 23; Madrid, Spain, on Dec. 24; Beijing on Jan. 12;
Hong Kong on Jan. 14; Sydney, Australia, on Jan. 19; Cape Town,
South Africa, on Jan. 26; and Buenos Aires, Argentina on Jan.
29.

Wishing the Girl Power team a great cashing in season from the Squib office.

More Fear Needed

Laurence Olivier
-
0
More Fear Needed

Cabinet Ministers were making plans to introduce more fear into the British public today at an emergency meeting with Gordon Brown.

“We need more fear, 911 was not enough and neither was 7/7. The recent bombing attempt in London and Glasgow was not enough. We keep raising interest rates so people have to pay 49% more on their mortgages, we film them every day and fine them for driving, we have increased taxes on fuel and trebled the price of all groceries!! On June 1st of this year we banned smoking in all public areas and still the people are not at the required fear levels!” a visibly distraught cabinet member exclaimed.

Auferre trucidare rapere falsis nominis imperium, atque ubi solitudinem faciunt pacem appellant.

Another Minister chimed in adding, “The answer is more war. The perpetual War on Terror that the Americans have created is not enough to sow the seeds of extreme terror amongst the public. Real fear comes from taking away their hard earned cash. We are engineering new ways every day of fleecing the cash cow public of more of their money.”

 


ID Cards and more fingerprinting will be introduced because the element of fear will have the British people agreeing to anything when the terror alerts increase even more.

“Microchipping the population and tracking all vehicles in the UK with chips is the way forward and will be implemented soon to the people, they will of course agree.” said another Minister with spittle flying across the room.

The course is set then, the gentle tip toe towards Totalitarianism is progressing as planned many years ago. There will be a drip feed of terror for a long time to come.

 



Famous Fearful Quotes by Politicians

• “Of course the people don’t want war. But after all, it’s the leaders
of the country who determine the policy, and it’s always a simple
matter to drag the people along whether it’s a democracy, a fascist
dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no
voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders.
That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked,
and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism, and exposing the
country to greater danger.” – US Vice President Dick Cheney 2002

• “I did not think that the common people are very thankful for
leaders who bring them war and destruction and this should be punished severely.” – Former Prime Minister Tony Blair 2003

• “Our enemies are innovative and
resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to
harm our country and our people, and neither do we.” – US President George W. Bush 2004

Stabbings Down From June

Laurence Olivier
-
0
Stabbings Down From June

A new Police initiative set to start in July will actively involve the Police forces in mainland Britain attempting to fight crime.
Resources which have been put into stopping motorists speeding and littering as well as fining petty crimes will be reassigned to serious crimes like fatal stabbings and violent crime by youth gangs.

This is the first time since 1997 that the Police will not devote their time to paperwork and traffic fines. The revenue that the Police forces have now raised through the network of 3 million Gatso Speeding cameras is topping 15 Billion pounds and has ensured generous overtime payments for officers in all departments as well as increased benefits in pension plans for all officers.

Last year alone the Met paid out 150 days paid leave for each officer in England and Wales alone, this was a reduction in payments for the year before and Met Police Chief Blair wants to reduce the numbers further.

 

Facts and figures



 

  • The Youth Survey 2007 is being carried out by Vargas for
    the Youth Justice Board between January and July 2007. VARGAS surveyed
    45,963 11-16 year olds in mainstream education and 58,621 young people
    excluded from school and attending a special project.

 

 

  • The Nature of Robbery Report findings were based primarily
    on data from over 200,000 crime reports and witness statements across
    seven police force areas in England and Wales at varying times between
    January and July 2007.

 

  • The British Crime Survey 2007 figures are based on
    interviews with 365, 844 adults living in private households in England
    and Wales carried out by BMRG Social Research between January2006 and June 2007.

 

Police Release Haymarket Bomber Photograph

Laurence Olivier
-
0

Anti-terrorist police in Britain have released a new image of a man suspected of attempting to carry out a bomb attack in London’s Haymarket.

The picture shows a composite image of a man who is in his mid 50s and was compiled by numerous witnesses.

The unidentified man is suspected of driving a silver Mercedes erratically, then fleeing on foot.


The vehicle was found to have a bomb in it and would have caused quite a bang.

The timing of the attempted bombing is high on the agenda, and people are wondering if the instatement of Gordon Brown as new Prime Minister has anything to do with it.

Blair Leaves Office with Legacy Intact

Laurence Olivier
-
0
Blair Leaves Office with Legacy Intact

At a Downing Street press conference today, the former Prime Minister Tony Blair was presented with some framed photographs to commemorate his term in office.

The photographs depicting a shooting from Tal Afar Iraq are an excellent reminder to the Prime Minister of the legacy he has left behind and how he will be viewed in history.

Under Tony Blair’s and George W Bush’s ‘leadership’, over 140,000 Iraqi’s have been killed.

George W Bush, however, has not reached his target of 500,000 Iraqis murdered and will carry on the fight without Tony who is taking an early exit.

Over the last ten years Mr Blair has not achieved much, apart from taking Britain into a war which has caused the death of hundreds of thousands of Iraqis and Afghans, pumping Iraq full of depleted uranium and displacing millions of people from their homes.

With a proud tear in his eye, Mr Blair accepted the gifts which were presented by six year old Alice Johansen who is the daughter of the US Ambassador to Britain.

Mr Blair was later honoured by the Queen at Buckingham Palace and presented with a medal as appreciation for services rendered to the country.

Mr Blair, who will begin his new job as ‘Middle East Peace Envoy’, is already calculating his untaxed ‘kick-backs’ income which will no doubt be immense.

The incoming gurning unelected Prime Minister Gordon Brown has vowed to carry on the Blair mantle and as he was mumbled into office today he promised that British troops would stay in Iraq and Afghanistan indefinitely.

The rest of the country, however, is resigned to the fate of listening to this morose mumbling idiot for a whole year before he is ousted from his podium of dour hard labour.

 

Muslims Wage Jihad on Jihad

Laurence Olivier
-
0
Muslims Wage Jihad on Jihad

Mohammed Aqbar is waging Jihad on Jihad itself. He does not carry placards denouncing every other religion under the sun anymore or wishing ill on all the world but instead carries a message of peace and love.

This is Jihad on Jihad, a new movement that is taking the Muslim world by storm.

From Mecca to London there have been protests against the violent militant Islamist doctrine of violence and ugly rhetoric. Instead, the Islamists are now embracing peace and love to all mankind.

“I used to spit on anything Western. Now I embrace them as my brothers and sisters. We are all humans and bleed the same blood.” exclaims Jamia Muammar the spokesman and Imam of the Juala Mosque in Qatar.

In Jerusalem, a city renowned for its deathly divide of Muslim and Jew, there have been celebrations in the streets and Rabbi’s have been seen walking with Imam’s hand in hand in the narrow streets. A feeling of goodwill to all men has been felt throughout the war torn city.

Instead of beheadings in Iraq now there are blessings and foot baths to show love to foreigners. “I welcome all foreigners who wish to do business in my country and instead of beheading you I anoint you with love and tea.” says Sheikh Mahmoud bin Saleh al-Haidari Rafsanjani.

 


Jihad on Jihad protest in London yesterday

Meanwhile, in London where there used to be a big militant Islamic contingent there has been a massive movement towards Jihad on Jihad.

Trafalgar Square and Whitethall were filled with over 50,000 Muslims waging Jihad on Jihad on Tuesday.

“We came here today to love all, Christians, Jews, Buddhists, Hindus and all religions around the globe.” said Mohammed Bakri Ali Qats leader of the ‘Brigades for Love and Peace’ group to cheers and confetti throwing Muslims.

 

 

 

Britain’s Got Talent

Laurence Olivier
-
2
Britain’s Got Talent

Simon Scowell, who is making another 100 million pounds from his latest ‘talent’ show ‘Britain’s Got Talent’, has chosen this year’s winner for Britain.

Also sitting on the panel is the disgraced ex-newspaper editor Piers Moron, who quit after a massive share scandal a few years back. Why he chooses to surface now from under his rock is a total mystery.

The medium he has chosen to re-appear in however is not surprising at all.

Over the past six weeks they have whittled down the finalists from 400,000 hopefuls and after coming this far the finalists truly deserve their accolade.

The stage is set and the raw talent on show is truly astounding.

TV bosses have been amazed at the huge popularity of the show and the ratings reflect this massive interest.

The talent show had many great talents, and we have outlined a few of the great acts that were on display.

Up first for the final night were the Bracknell crew who are a very talented bunch of burglars and thieves.

They show their prowess by stealing 30 watches from the studio audience and the finale of their presentation culminates in beating an old lady over the head with her umbrella and calling her a ‘slag’.

Bracknell crew third place

Second place goes to the Leeds crew who can drinkf Aldi wine by the gallon.

They manage to drink 25 cartons each and still are able to hot wire a Ford Cortina.

Their wondrous presentation ends with the crew projectile vomiting over the audience.

The audience laps it all up and cheers them off-stage to rapturous applause.

The Leeds crew and Aldi wine list second place

Finally, we come to the first prize winner and Scowell with his fellow judges applaud furiously at the spectacle.

It’s the Enfield ‘massive’, and they know their stuff. They are able to spot an Argos sovereign ring at twenty paces.

Enfield ‘massive’ and the winners of Britain’s Got Talent

Simon Scowell hides a large sovereign ring in Piers Moron’s trousers and tells Moron to hide in the lighting rafters above.

Kev and Lee spot the sovereign ring even though obscured by lighting equipment. It is as if they have a sixth sense.

This genius magic trick is applauded by all and Simon Scowell gives it a full thumbs up.

The Enfield crew who won £10.50 will now have the additional accolade of performing in front of the Queen at Buckingham Palace.

Britain sure has a lot of talented people this year and The Squib is very proud to be part of this great nation’s talent pool.

1...794795796...798Page 795 of 798
squib footer 270

Breaking News

Copyright © Daily Squib 2024.

The Daily Squib is a curious satirical parody newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news.