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Last Piece of Rubble Destroyed in Gaza

by Drew Smith
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Last Piece of Rubble Destroyed in Gaza

 

Hamas said it had gained control of much of the rubble and concrete dust in the south after pushing Fatah gunmen out of the north as well as Israeli troops mortars from the east.

The last piece of standing rubble was destroyed by a mortar shell in the northern town of Nablus today at midday.

A senior Hamas official said the two sides had agreed about who owns the most rubble and broken bricks, but clashes continued in Gaza City over rubble rights.

The Hamas official told the Squib that Palestinian Prime Minister Ismail Haniya, from Hamas, and Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas, from Fatah, had spoken on the telephone.

Details have been released on how Palestinians are going to cope with no shelter if it rains.

‘Rubble in the jungle’

The Hamas source said a nine-point plan had been presented to Fatah which includes demands that Hamas build a shelter out of the remaining pieces of rubble before anymore rubble is pulverised into more fine dust.

Hamas also demanded that it share control with Fatah of any shelter that is built from the rubble, the official said.

The Hamas source said Fatah had agreed to the proposal but there has been no independent confirmation from Fatah.

‘Madness’

Armed members from the factions have been battling in Gaza for several days for control of concrete blocks and rubble pieces.



We demand that all rubble is not destroyed into small pieces of dust.
Mahmoud Abbas
Palestinian Authority President

Rubble in the jungle

 

At least 1700 people were reported killed in fighting on Wednesday with 6300 reported to have died since Saturday.

Hamas appears to be winning this bitter battle for all-out control of destroyed concrete breeze blocks and rubble, says the Squib’s Ali Qat in Ramallah, on the West Bank.

Clashes have been going on since Saturday when hundreds of Fatah and Hamas gunmen fought on the streets and rooftops of Rafah with rocket-propelled grenades and machine guns.

A truce agreed on Monday was quickly broken and fighting escalated across northern Gaza.

On Wednesday, the fighting spread across central and southern Gaza.

In the latest developments:

 

  • At least 200 gunmen of the Fatah-allied Bakr stole a truck load of rubble from Hamas in Gaza City, clan elders and witnesses said

 

 

 

  • An explosion wrecked the Khan Younis rubble pile which stood 3 feet high

 

 

 

  • There were clashes in Gaza City near a local
    Fatah commander’s rubble pile for control of three breeze blocks and a few concrete boulders. Six militants were reported killed

 

‘International appeal’


The Squib’s Ali Qat was taken by Fatah militants to Balata in Nablus where he was shown the Hamas concrete block pile 5 feet high and 3 feet wide which was later destroyed by Israeli shell fire.

The Fatah men promised “rubble for rubble” in the West Bank if the Hamas and Israeli attacks in Gaza did not stop.


Close up view of Gaza

 


Hamas has issued its own ultimatum to Fatah militants in Gaza to lay down their sledgehammers and bombs by 1600 GMT on Friday or risk having them taken from them.

A senior UN co-ordinator for the Middle East said the situation in Gaza was one of the gravest crises the Palestinian people had faced.

“I think we’re witnessing a Hamas rubble rousing in Gaza which will be very difficult to reverse,” Andrew Roberts, a senior UN co-ordinator for the Middle East, told the Squib.

Two workers from the UN relief agency were also among those who died on Wednesday when a Hamas miltant stole a Fatah militants piece of rubble.

The UN said it would temporarily scale back its operations in Gaza.

The international community has called for a ceasefire, and Arab League head Amr Moussa said the fighting was destroying too much rubble and soon all would be left is sand.

Fatah also says it will continue breaking rubble into smaller pieces if a truce cannot be reached. How long before the two factions can cement together some common ground?

Smiling Banker Says Economy Fu**ed

by Drew Smith
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Smiling Banker Says Economy Fu**ed

As Mervyn Allister King tucks into his caviar at his Pall Mall residence he is truly happy to foist another interest rate rise on the destroyed mass of poverty stricken British people who have suffered so much in abject servitude and quiet for so long.

It now costs every Briton a minimum of £60 to fill the tank of their car, a loaf of bread now costs £1.60, to go one stop on a bus costs £2.50, to drive through central London costs £8.00, to buy three tomatoes now costs 95 pence.

If you are an American and reading this, remember to double the prices.

The costs have escalated to such an extent that to stay above the poverty level in the UK one has to be earning over £70,000 even though this sum is heavily taxed by the Government.

The increasing rises in interest rates means that only a minority of people can now own a home but if you do already you are in even more peril. Soaring mortgage payments mean that 80% of all homeowners pay 95% of their salary just in interest payments per month leaving them with a pittance to live on.

“I used to be able to buy a loaf of bread every week but now I can only afford to have bread and butter once a month. The rest of the month I live on brussels sprouts grown in my garden.” Reginald Hubbard who earns in excess of £50,000 per annum tells me from his dingy one bedroom flat in Peckham South London.

The Labour Government under the watchful eye of the uncontested Gordon Brown has made life so miserable for Britons that there are regular punch ups in the streets and shops due to the high stress levels and costs of living in this country.

Meanwhile, worldwide commodity prices drop every day – Oil, Wheat and Gas have all dropped in price in the last few months yet UK household goods have rocketed in price by 8% in the last month alone despite the drop in real value.

Taxation is also increasing daily, council tax is now so high that the Evans family from North London had to abandon one of their children in a supermarket because the 12 year old would have cost them an increase in tax by the age of 13.

There is no respite for anyone who lives in Britain and many are fleeing the rip off centre of the world. A miserable place, where your only hope is to drink yourself to death before you die of pneumonia in your freezing damp grey mortgage hell.

Paris Spectacular Prison Re-Entry

by Drew Smith
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The Paris Hilton celebrity jail fiasco took a turn from the bizarre to the downright hilarious as Sheriff Lee Oswald, who famously let Ms Hilton leave jail after 3 days, was overruled by Judge Harry Eastwood who wanted to uphold the ‘Law’.

The Sheriff will now NOT be getting a brown envelope in the back room of the Beverly Hills Golf Club and is ‘darn right pissed’.

Meanwhile, as expected, there were some great photo ops for all with wailing baby Paris Hilton clumping around like a spoiled brat blubbing for, “…mummy, mummy, mummy!”

Paris is a ‘star’ without any discernible talent. She cannot work because she has no talent so she resorts to using cheap publicity tricks to keep the public’s attention.

Back to the 'Simple Life'
Back to the ‘Simple Life’

Paris’ entourage of stylists were sadly left behind in the resulting mêlée

One of her stylists said: “It’s so cruel what has happened to her. She wasn’t allowed to wax or use a moisturiser. Her skin is so dry right now.”

Ms Hilton did not also get a chance this time to attach her hair extensions or apply make-up to her face.

Dry skin nightmare
Dry skin nightmare

This is a great tragedy to Hilton’s worldwide public relations media blitz that has been ongoing for the last few years.

Paris Hilton has inundated all worldwide media with her shallow, banal, brainless narcissism for so long that maybe a few days break will give the rest of the world some time off from her incessant bleating and photo ops.

It seems the errant socialite wants to milk as much publicity as possible before her re-entry into prison.

Yet more publicity photo ops

Media experts are expecting another exit attempt from prison in a few days, then another re-entry immediately after another judge overrules the exit.

The entry, exit and re-entry charade will be ongoing for the next 45 days and will culminate when the right judge gets the right pay-off amount and best publicity.

This is a high-end game of pass the parcel except, these parcels contain clean untraceable notes.

Paris’ Early Jail Release

by Drew Smith
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Paris’ Early Jail Release

In another land mark case rivaling the OJ Simpson verdict, the American ‘Justice’ System was again today revealed to be a lawless money trench where rich celebrities dictate what they do and how much impunity they have.

Paris, 26, who is the pornographic film heir to the Hilton hotel fortune was released early due to large sums of money changing hands within the American legal system sham worldwide laughing stock.

She was greeted at the prison gates by her friends Michael Jackson and OJ Simpson and whisked away to her 4000 sq ft luxury penthouse where she will spend the next 45 days in complete luxury and ‘house-arrest’, waited on by an army of butlers and servants.

The early release was engineered by long standing friend of the Hilton family, Sheriff Lee Oswald, who will no doubt be properly recompensed for his good deed at the exclusive Beverly Hills Golf Club later on in the evening.

The Sheriff cited that Paris was released early because a person of her stature could not survive without her: private masseuse, publicists, manicurists, make-up artists, nutritionists, wardrobe consultants, spiritual advisors, accountants, stockbrokers, blackberry engineer, car mechanics, personal assistants, cocaine dealers, astrologers, tanning salon staff, hairdressers and her beloved poodle Tinkerbell.

This goes to prove the old adage ‘Crime Pays’ but only if you are a celebrity and have loads of dosh..innit?

Exposed Birth Secrets of George W Bush

by Drew Smith
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Exposed Birth Secrets of George W Bush

The following description is from the harrowing tale of Joan Wilder. She spoke to the Squib from a safe location after many years in hiding. The stories have been corroborated by other ceremonial staff present at the birthing of George W Bush. Be warned some of the descriptions may upset some readers.

The birthing chamber described by Mrs Wilder is a dark dungeon beneath the Bush residence and amongst all the ceremonial paraphernalia and remnants of past sacrificial offerings there is a central platform jutting out from the stone floor. The dark and moist walls are decorated with scribblings from the Sumerian script Cuneiform and speak of ancient scriptures long lost in the sands of time.

Before the birthing, we prepare the ground for the brood mother by sacrificing a pot bellied pig on the altar, then drinking the blood.

We invoke Moloch, then the birthing begins:

Barbara Bush straddles the altar and utters a blood curdling banshee scream, the windows judder in unison to this unholy vibration. She lifts her dress exposing her undergarments, their antiquated design of the last century yellow with fluid, easing them down under her hairy varicose veined knees she exhales a gut-blasting fart so almighty that a waft of methane clouds the windows, the noxious fumes’ heavy particles hang like rain clouds over Nebraska in the winter. Her puckering anus erupts further as her eyes roll back in her head exposing only the whites. Out of her over-stretched balloon knot the beastly chuff’s head emerges as her frothing rabid mouth recites ancient incantations at speed. A guttural nonsense low in tone and reminiscent of an animal’s – she exhales.

We assist the brood mother by whipping her body with chains until the final grunt.

The evil joy is unceremoniously ejected from her puckered arse with an audible popping sound and then a further gaseous fart release. A champagne cork of effluent is released and bubbles cohesively. A wry smile now appears over her brooding face and she coos with delight at the sight of her unholy sh*t covered spawn as it gnashes its sharp teeth.

“I shall name him George Walker…”

The brood mother is satisfied and proceeds to lick her offspring clean with her hairy rasping tongue. George will be presented to the rest of the brood later on in the evening and the sacrificial celebrations will begin in earnest.


Joan Wilder’s tell-all book “Confessions of a Satanic Priestess” will be published in August by Macmillan

UK Olympics Logo

by Drew Smith
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UK Olympics Logo

WARNING – LOOKING AT THE LOGO CAN CAUSE EPILEPSY

Organisers for the London Olympics in 2012 have unveiled a new logo which has been hailed by the blind community.

People who can actually see it however have not had the same reaction and the logo has not gone down as well.

There are reports of mass epileptic fits across the country when the logo was unveiled on television.

“It’s a good thing they only spent £4.50 on it. Imagine what a waste it would have been to have spent more than five quid on that sh*t.” John Churchill exclaimed from the official unveiling ceremony in Greenwich.

To have such a grotesque piece of work as a logo has made the British Olympic Committee a laughing stock nationally as well as internationally.

Olympics chief Lord Coe hailed the design as ‘the vision that defines what Britain is today’ and insisted doubters would be proved wrong.

Reaction amongst the sighted community for the ‘design’ has been less than flattering, and it seems the committee that commissioned the logo may in fact be blind also.

After viewing the new logo, staff in the Squib office wished they were blind too.

Surge is Working Says Bush Spokesman

by Drew Smith
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Surge is Working Says Bush Spokesman

The Pentagon today released a statement and report on the ‘troop surge’ coming to the conclusion that large parts of Iraq are untouched by any sign of war or insurgents and the situation in Iraq is as peaceful as a dovetail.

“There is nothing to worry about folks because the majority of Iraq is peaceful with no insurgents, IED’s, explosions or need to fire a single bullet in anger.”

Squib reporter Johnson Hitchens at the conference asked “Is this because the majority of Iraq is desert where nothing exists but sand?”

Ryan Whitman was quick to answer back “Exactly the case, the majority of the land mass in Iraq is desert and this is largely populated by sand and certain plants which can survive the arid habitat.” he went on “A large part of the country is therefore peaceful and will continue being peaceful for many years to come.”

 

Iraq

 

This is definite proof that all is well in Iraq and George Bush’s exemplary leadership is paramount to Iraq being in its now peaceful state.

The supreme leader of the known world has done it again, George Bush has once again sealed another victory trophy in his already crowded cabinet.

 

The future is looking bright for Iraq

Plans for US Theme Park in Iraq Leaked Online

by Drew Smith
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Plans for US Theme Park in Iraq Leaked Online

Computer-generated projections of the nearly completed, heavily fortified Jihadi Land compound in Iraq were posted to the Web site of Burger Schmalt Wisney Inc., an American architectural design firm for theme parks that was contracted to design the massive fun park in the Iraq capital.

The post was removed by the company from its Web site Thursday shortly after being contacted about it by the State Theme Park Department.

 


“We work very hard to ensure the safety and security of our employees overseas,” said Gogozalos Gallogoogos, a State Theme Park Department spokesman. “This kind of information out in the public domain detracts from the fun effort and is a darn right stinker.”

The 10 images included a scheme of the overall layout of the theme park, plus depictions of individual buildings including the theme park rides, office annexes, the Jihadi mouse security post, swimming pool, slaughter house, jihadi mouse and deputy mouse’s residences as well as the prison torture compound.

 

 



The ‘Processing Center’ for Jihad Land Theme Park as leaked on the internet

 

U.S. Theme Park officials said the posted plans conformed at least roughly to conceptual drawings for the new park, which is being built on the banks of the Tigris River behind huge fences due to fears insurgents without tickets will attack when tickets are all sold out.

Janice Simonen, a spokesman for Burger Schmalt Wisney Inc, declined to discuss the accuracy of the images posted online.

“In terms of commenting whether they’re accurate, obviously we wouldn’t be commenting on that because we don’t want people whoever they are or would care to think they are to know whether they’re accurate or not or may seem to be accurate or not know for security reasons,” he said.

Burger Schmalt Wisney Inc parent company, the giant contractor Halliburton, said the plans had been very preliminary and would not be of help to potential theme park competitors.

“The actual information that was up there was purely conjectural and conceptual in nature,” said Chibo Mamakin spokesman for Halliburton. “Google Earth could give you a better snapshot of what the site looks like on the ground.”

Some U.S. Theme Park officials acknowledged that damage may have been done by the postings and used expletives like “fu*k”, “sh*t” and “motherf*ckers” to describe their personal reactions, but downplayed the overall risk posed by whooping like chimps in a dodgem car.

 

There is high demand for tickets to the grand opening of ‘Jihad Land’ in September

“People are eventually going to figure out where they can get tickets for ‘Jihad Land’, but you don’t have to draw them a map, it’s like a treasure hunt kinda thang” said one senior official, speaking on condition of anonymity because he is not authorized to speak about the theme park project.

The construction site in Baghdad is under heavy guard and treated with extreme secrecy. It is off-limits to all but those with special silly pink hats, surrounded by tall, concrete blast walls and impossible to see except from the air.

The $592 million theme park, on a chunk of prime real estate acquired by Rosco Bonds and is two-thirds the size of Washington’s
National Mall, is expected to be completed in September. The images posted on the Web site show that it will be a spacious and comfortable facility, albeit with some damn dangerous rides.

Identified as the “Jihadi Land Theme Park” the images show ‘Jihadi Land’ themes like: Jihad Rollercoaster, A functioning prison modeled on Abu Ghraib, Jihadi Land IED Alley, Jihadi ‘pass the parcel’ Warehouse, Detention Camp Dwarves, Jihad Mountain, Osama Island, Barbed Wire Wall Frontier Land and Hook Island.

 

 

The very popular IED Alley Ride

“In total, the 600-acre theme park will include over three hundred buildings, including one classified secure torture chamber and housing for over 1500 special ticket holders,” the Web site boasts.

 

 

Pregnant Women Denied Alcohol

by Drew Smith
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Pregnant Women Denied Alcohol

English and Irish women are – by a great distance – the biggest binge alcohol drinkers not just in Europe but in the world.

The latest Governmental guidelines for alcohol consumption amongst pregnant women in the UK is two bottles of vodka a day.

The Government suggests that this can be brought down to one bottle of vodka a day or even better – no alcohol whatsoever.

Governmental Health departments however understand that this reduction quota may be too much for most mothers in the UK and would allow for some discrepancy in General Practitioner guidelines and with midwives.

It is very hard for British women to stop drinking heavily and many rarely look for help.

The fight to stay sober – Linzi and her alcoholic FAS babies

Worldwide scientific research has revealed that women who consume alcohol during pregnancy produce inferior children.

Brain damage, inferior intellect and deformity are rife in the UK population and are testament to binge mothers.

Britain has been inbreeding brutes for centuries in the alcopop capital of the booze world.

One in three British women 10 – to 30-years-old are now classed as a heavy drinker, binging on six or more drinks in one session at least five times a week when pregnant with child.

“I drink gin whenever possible and see no problem with my consumption as I am a responsible adult.” says Jackie who is 4 months pregnant with triplets.

This cavalier attitude strikes health officials around the world with bemusement. It seems there is an all encompassing disregard for welfare during pregnancy in the UK.

These disturbing figures are 15 times higher than those of Germany and Italy, prompting warnings that record numbers of women face liver damage and premature death unless they curb their alcohol consumption.

The findings are based on a survey of more than 177,000 women during pregnancy from 21 countries, including Belgium, France and the United States, in the largest study ever carried out into worldwide drinking habits.

The disclosure will alarm policy-makers struggling to combat Britain’s growing drink problem amongst pregnant women, which has led to an escalation in anti-social behaviour, low birth weight, mental problems in children, lost working hours and long-term health problems, including cancer and heart problems.

A drunk mother and child depicted by William Hogarth in 1751

Not much has changed since the 18th Century: In 1751, William Hogarth etched this accurate depiction of drunks in London.

Pregnant women across Britain have been fighting for their rights to binge-drink for centuries so why should things change now?

“It is an English tradition and should be upheld by the people.”

MP for Blackpool Joan Humble “I do not think this Government should dictate to anyone how little or how much alcohol a pregnant woman should consume. My constituency has the highest alcoholic mother register in England, and it is our right.”

Who is to deny that things have definitely not changed over the centuries, so why should they change now?

Keep drinking ladies. Cheers.

Chelsea Flower Show

by Drew Smith
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Chelsea Flower Show

I sneeze as I walk through the gates of the world renowned Chelsea Flower Show. Unexpectedly a piece of phlegm lands on an old ladies hat and dribbles down her tweed overcoat. This is my first ever assignment at a Flower Show and even though I am heavily affected by hayfever I am glad to have been given this reportage job for the Squib.

What a wonderful opportunity to view some amazing English gardens. The colours of the rainbow could not describe the myriad of flavours that attack my visual and nasal palate. We have rotten vegetables over there, bin bags overflowing with rubbish over here, and even an old mattress abandoned amongst the nettles up on yonder.

A positively astounding panoply of crisp packets and pizza cartons amongst the weeds. I see across the border in Row A there is even an old cat carcass which seems to be striking a pose in its skeletal state alongside the used condoms.

Again I sneeze as the fumes of rancid beer and fat from a rusty frying pan hits me like a ten tonne lorry. It is not that I am unused to the smell because I am an Englishman after all but this time the odour of rotten eggs is reminiscent of the sulfur farts from Beelzebub’s bumgut.

I am of course describing the winner for this year, the flamboyant character Robert Maxwell’s wonderful display. It seems the bin men have not been here for weeks and the flies that infest the area are truly magnificent. A true English masterpiece and well worth the entry fee. I would advise everyone to see the show this year.

 

 

 

 

 

Robert Maxwell Design/Mirror Landscapes

Persrectum

Designer: Robert Maxwell Design

Sponsors: Robert Maxwell Design, Mirror Group Landscapes

Contractor: Mirror Group Landscapes

Contemporary materials make up this multi-layered installation.
Perspex walls become temporarily obscured by urine and acid rain, effluent or lard, so
altering the viewer’s perception of the scheme. The Zen-like forms and
meticulously finished structures of the garden are linked by a green patch wasteland of thistle. A single charred tree and a soiled purple sofa from Argos add a
naturalistic touch to the planting.

Designer Robert Maxwell sees outside spaces as 3-D canvases and
believes his work would not look out of place in any British town or city. He
has created 21 RHS show gardens over the last 10 years, pushing the
boundaries of garden design, and considers himself a landscape artist.
This is Robert’s first time at Chelsea, and with his pink spiky hair,
yellow glamoflage spandex trousers and brightly coloured nails this Liverpudlian
designer really is at home here at the Chelsea Flower Show.

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