17.7 C
London
Friday, December 19, 2025
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 782

Nielsen Names ‘Daily Squib’ Most Visited News Site on Top 30 List

Jackie Stalloni
-
0
Nielsen Names ‘Daily Squib’ Most Visited News Site on Top 30 List

The
following is data from Nielsen Online on the top 30 sites in the “News”
category based on February 2008 traffic. This data takes into account
U.S. home and work Internet usage, and it shows both unique visitors to
each brand or channel and sessions per person. For more information
about the winning website please visit www.dailysquib.co.uk.

Nielsen Online is providing these data sets to the Newspaper Association of America on a monthly basis.
Top 30 Online Current Events & Global News Destinations, ranked by Sessions per Person
Brand or channel; sessions per person; unique audience (000)
1. DailySquib.co.uk; 19.9; 3,445
2. Daily Kos^; 8.9; 1,204
3. Faux News Digital Network; 8.3; 10,177
4. CNN Digital Network; 7.9; 37,181
5. AOL News; 7.7; 21,119
6. Yahoo! News; 7.4; 35,274
7. MSNBC Digital Network; 6.4; 34,013
8. ksl.com^; 6.0; 796
9. Breitbart.com; 5.3; 2,674
10. Google News; 5.3; 12,050
11. Gannett Newspapers and Newspaper Division; 5.1; 13,998
12. NYTimes.com; 4.9; 18,975
13. Netscape; 4.8; 2,709
14. Townhall.com; 4.7; 1,152
15. Media General Newspapers; 4.6; 1,761
16. GTGI Network 4.5; 1,345
17. Star Tribune; 4.3; 2,108
18. TWC News Websites; 4.1; 840
19. NewsMax.com; 4.0; 4,054
20. Zwire^; 3.9; 1,089
21. Cox Newspapers; 3.9; 5,197
22. washingtonpost.com; 3.8; 10,441
23. Milwaukee Journal Sentinel; 3.8; 1,259
24. The Buffalo News^; 3.7; 502
25. Pittsburgh Post-Gazette; 3.6; 1,472
26. MediaNews Group Newspapers; 3.5; 5,850
27. USATODAY.com; 3.5; 10,571
28. WorldNow 3.5; 10,588
29. IB Websites; 3.4; 7,565
30. St. Louis Post Dispatch^; 3.4; 1,022
^
Indicates Home and Work audience duplication projections did not meet
minimum sample size standards. Combined home and work audience
estimates for these sites may exhibit increased variability
month-to-month as a result.
This data, also from Nielsen Online, shows the monthly traffic and other data for newspaper-based Web sites for February 2008:
66,456,096 – monthly unique audience for newspaper sites, an increase of 13.2 percent (year over year)
41 percent – active reach, an increase of 9.4 percent (year over year)
3,064,613,644 – total page views on newspaper sites, an increase of 8.5 percent (year over year)
46.05 – page views per person

Hillary Clinton Talks About Her Time at Iwo Jima

Jackie Stalloni
-
1
Hillary Clinton Talks About Her Time at Iwo Jima

Hillary Clinton describes the moment when she landed at Iwo Jima’s only air strip with a platoon of Marines and made a dash to the summit of Mt. Obama, the 550-foot volcanic cone
at the island of Iwo Jima’s southern tip.

“I remember landing under sniper fire,” Clinton recounted. “There was
supposed to be some kind of a greeting ceremony at the airport, but
instead we just ran with our heads down to get into the vehicles to get
to our base at the bottom of Mt. Obama.”

She then goes on to recall: “Japanese gunners zeroed in on every inch of the landing strip. Blockhouses
and pillboxes flanked the landing areas. Within seconds, more heavy weapons stood
ready to blast us and the attacking Marines. Machine guns criss-crossed the jungle
with deadly interlocking fire. Rockets, anti-tank guns were
also trained on us. It was hell out there!”

Hillary Clinton then goes on to describe the hard battle to reach the summit of Mt. Obama, “It took us four days of solid fighting, there were bodies everywhere and the mountain itself was slippery with the blood and guts of good men who died fighting. On the fourth day only a few of us survived and we were exhausted. This is when we raised the flag and a photographer took the famous flag picture.”

Next week Hillary Clinton will speak of her experiences during the Tit Offensive in Vietnam.

Jade Goody Tries to Eat Nightclub Reveller Alive

Jackie Stalloni
-
2
Jade Goody Tries to Eat Nightclub Reveller Alive

Cannibalism in Essex

In a bizarre nightclub confrontation, the perpetually hungry Jade Goody tried to eat the flesh of a female nightclub reveller last night.

The unnamed woman who was dancing around her handbag in an Essex nightclub frequented by Z-list celebrities and footballers was suddenly set upon by Goody who was smacking her huge lips all night.

“Jade was salivating all night, she had just had four vindaloo curries, ten happy meals and four KFC buckets but was still hungry for more,” a member of her extensive entourage told the Daily Squib on condition of anonymity.

Jade attacked the woman then tried to take out chunks from her face, she successfully bit into the womans thighs and was chewing ferociously when a nightclub bouncer intervened and ejected the cannibal from the dance floor.

“It was murder on
the dance floor, there was blood everywhere. I found a chunk of thigh on
the floor and handed it back to the screaming woman writhing on the
floor in agony. Jade had a wild animal look in her eyes and was barking
like a dog. It was quite scary,” footballer Joe Cole told the Squib
still in shock.


A hungry Jade Goody attempts to bite the woman’s cheeks

 

The nightclub owners were quick to respond and soon a Police unit was on site and Goody was shot with a tranquilliser gun. The celebrity has since been transferred to an undisclosed location for her own protection.

Goody is famous for being as thick as two planks and a racist bigoted ignorant imbecile. Channel 4 television capitalised on Jade’s rating winning qualities by promoting her to the chav populations of Britain. Since then she has become a heroine and star to a large section of Britain’s population.

Last year she was coaxed into taking an IQ test live for Channel 4 television and scored 25. Individuals with an unusually low IQ score like Jade Goody, varying from about 70 (“Educable Mentally Retarded”) to as low as 20 (usually caused by Extreme Mental Retardation), are considered to have developmental difficulties.

And the Next US President Will be?

Jackie Stalloni
-
3
And the Next US President Will be?

Henry Kissinger knows who the next President of the United States of America is going to be and the Daily Squib’s political correspondent cornered the former White House lurker in his luxury Manhattan apartment and asked him the inevitable question about the Presidency.

The elder statesman makes a grand entrance in his wheelchair. The sprightly 84 year old looks as demonic as ever and is dressed immaculately in his fine silk smoking jacket and expensive crimson red slippers. He is looked after by a troupe of hand picked young nurses who fawn over his every need.

Kissinger of course is renowned for his time in the Nixon government and the famous quotation of his stating that “Military men are just dumb, stupid animals to be used as pawns in foreign policy,” quoted from the book “Final Days” by Woodward and Bernstein seems to be more relevant today than when it was first uttered.

He was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 1973, a decision which had a rich sense of irony in itself.

Kissinger’s decisions during his long tenure for countless US Presidents ultimately cost many millions of lives in conflicts like Cambodia and Vietnam.

This man who once held immense Machiavellian world power is the one to ask, I tentatively bring myself to ask the question. Who will win the US Presidency?

“Let me tell you about the system, it is all a big show for all the masses. We chose the next ‘leader’ a long time ago. We are simply playing an age old game of pretend. It’s like watching a wrestling match, it’s all bull and yet everyone still watches it,” Kissinger chortles and lights another menthol perched on his elegant mother of pearl embossed cigarette holder.

Kissinger lives in modest style, the luxurious Italian marble floors are decked with 18th century furniture languishing amongst the finest Persian carpets we have ever seen. He waves his hand and the blonde nurse slinks away for a second exposing her garter underneath her whitewashed uniform. Kissinger’s overfull colostomy bag hangs from his wheelchair and resembles an over stretched tick on a dogs back ripe for the bursting.

“I am not going to tell you who attended the Bilderberg meeting which I chair but as you may have already heard, all prospective Presidents and Prime Ministers who have attended previously have gone onto becoming their respective countries leader.”

Bilderberg has a proven history of acting in a kingmaker capacity. Both Bill Clinton and Tony Blair attended before becoming President and Prime Minister.

Who attended the Bilderberg meeting in 2006?

Kissinger pauses for a second then lets off a large fart. His eyes roll back in their sockets in obvious ecstasy. He then gestures for one of his nurses and whispers in her ear. She giggles then saunters off squeaking her plimsolls on the marble. The nurse returns with a glass of 1945 Mouton Rothschild and hands it to Kissinger.

“I am a great fan of the Daily Squib and make a point of reading your excellent website every day but let me tell you my dear friends, Obama will be President because of his colour. McCain is too old and a liability, Hillary is not ready yet, plus she’s a woman,” Kissinger smiles wryly then takes a sip of the Mouton Rothschild.

It seems the interview may be over sooner than we had thought. We are ushered out of the ornate room into a hallway with walls plastered from floor to ceiling with photographs of Kissinger standing next to all of the luminaries of the last fifty years.

Paris Hilton Out of Africa Photoshoot

Jackie Stalloni
-
1
Paris Hilton Out of Africa Photoshoot

When she’s not flashing her worn vagina to pedestrians on Sunset Boulevard or indulging in coke binges in dark LA nightclubs, Paris Hilton likes to attend photoshoots to promote her new improved image of caring.

The ex-convict airhead’s PR people have been working hard promoting their fake protege’s new persona to the already saturated celebrity pap media.

First it was a series of articles in the papers praising her ‘acting skills’ and now another photoshoot in Africa.

Paris’ PR people are ecstatic at the coverage Paris received for the South Africa photo opportunity and are already planning more fake picture sessions in other Third World countries. They, however, vehemently deny any suggestions of opportunistic exploitation of Africans for profit.

It was only in September last year when Paris Hilton was in Rwanda for another impromptu photoshoot. The Rwanda trip was a success for the Paris PR team and this South Africa trip was subsequently planned.

This time however, she was accompanied by her new boyfriend and prospective sperm donor.

Paris has been itching to have a baby ever since her coke fiend pal Nicole Richie got impregnated.

Looks like she found the right chump this time to grace her well-used and battered cavern. The poor fellow is obviously not fussy about sloppy seconds, thirds, fourths, fifths, thousands etc…

Stockbroker Sees Ghost at NYSE

Jackie Stalloni
-
1
Stockbroker Sees Ghost at NYSE

A shocked Jim Buller is seated down in the NYSE cafe mumbling gibberish as concerned colleagues hand him glasses of water. His hands are so shaky that he spills most of the water before it even reaches his dry lips.

After finally being coaxed to speak, the stockbroker slowly begins to tell the assembled throng of bored stockbrokers what he saw.

“It was the ghost of my long dead father. The spectral apparition rose up through the floor and came towards me with an awful moaning sound. I saw him clear as day, no joke. When he came close there was a chill in the air and I dropped my phone on the floor.”

The stockbroker had just been on the phone with a client who wanted to “sell, sell, sell.”

No one else saw the ghost but his reaction is unmistakeably extraordinary proving that he definitely saw something out there on the NYSE floor.

The ghost that Mr Buller saw is now being used in a multi-million dollar law suit by the aggrieved client because he did not sell the stock thus losing the client large amounts of money.

This is the first time in NYSE history that a stockbroker is being sued for supernatural reasons. Top financial litigation firm Ratchet & Ratchet were today preparing a groundbreaking case to exonerate their stockbroker client by attempting to prove that ghosts really do exist.

“We have employed a parapsychologist as well as the services of a Colombian shaman, a Catholic priest dealing in exorcism and a Voodoo houngan. This is going to take some time, however, we will come to a satisfactory conclusion soon enough.”

The Daily Squib could not get the suing party to make a comment.

The case continues, so watch this space.

George W Bush Hails Successful US Defeat in Iraq

Jackie Stalloni
-
0
George W Bush Hails Successful US Defeat in Iraq

When he’s not perfecting his golf swing or choking on a pretzel, the most powerful man in the world likes to kick back and watch the chaos he has created unfold.

Mission Accomplished II

The supreme commander of the Western world marked the fifth anniversary of the Iraq invasion yesterday with a bumbling speech in which he described the war as noble, necessary and just, and claimed Arab’s in the Middle East are now fully behind America and its securement of oil fields and territory.

According to George W Bush, there are no plans to ever leave Iraq. “Iraq is our nation now, our resources, our territory – we have been triumphant and we shall prevail. Because we acted, the world is better and the United States of America is safer”

Chao ab Ordo

The war has so far killed hundreds of thousands of people, cost three trillion dollars and been blamed for destabilising the Middle East.

Speaking to a contingent of troops at the Pentagon, he claimed his decision to invade Iraq in the first place had “opened the door to a major killing spree of Muslims”.

He added: “Either you’re with the US or you’re a terrorist. We have created a genocidal killing field in Iraq where there will never be peace. Our great nation has polluted those people for generations to come with depleted uranium and other pollutants. It is something the American people should be very proud of”.

Bush went on to say: “The battle in Iraq is noble, it is necessary, and it is just. And today I stand victorious. I stand proud in completing my mission”.

The President then suggested that the deaths of hundreds of thousands of Iraqi civilians was a small price to pay for a foothold in the Middle East and the world’s second largest oil reserves.

There were small protests in Washington yesterday but a promised mass demonstration failed to materialise because most Americans cannot be bothered any more.

Bush’s comments amounted to his most upbeat assessment of the war since his famous “mission accomplished” speech on a US aircraft carrier in May 2003.

Since then, Iraq has been convulsed by Sunni and Shia insurgencies against the US-led coalition and vicious sectarian killings. The Iraq Body Count group, in an independent survey conducted by Johns Hopkins University’s Bloomberg School of Public Health that looked at the death toll province by province, put the number of civilian deaths at 655,000 in 2006.

The American occupying forces claim that only 14,000 Iraqi civilians were killed by their troops. The number of US soldiers killed is 3,990, and the British military death toll 175.


Bush did not mention the failure to find Saddam’s alleged weapons of mass destruction, the stated reason for war, but stated that “Saddam was a bad man and we took him out”.

With less than a year left in office, the president is a largely isolated figure. Most of the neo-conservatives who pressed him to go to war have been retired with honourable discharges and huge payoffs.

The fragile multinational coalition Bush put together has also largely disappeared, with countries having either abandoned the war or left token forces behind.

George W Bush has caused the greatest military disaster in US history and has brought the US to its knees financially. He will be remembered by the historians as a liar, a thief and most of all – a coward.

China Unveils New Olympic Event

Jackie Stalloni
-
0
China Unveils New Olympic Event

Tibetan Monk Tossing will be the new Olympic event introduced by the Chinese host nation. Communist party leaders announced the new event at a news conference on Wednesday.

When asked how the new event will be integrated into the Olympics event roster at such a late stage, Chinese Olympics chief Xiang Xzing Xzamalama Ding Dong exclaimed: “This is an opportunity for Tibet to join the Orympics here in Chinese Orympic contest! The new state event will be forcibry enforced onto all Orympic participating nations. If you refuse to throw a Tibetan monk you will be refused participation in all other Chinese State Orympic events and will be detained and beaten with heavy sticks.”

The Tibetan monks which the Chinese propose to use for the event are fresh from Lhasa – now a burning smouldering wasteland.

The peace-loving monks and people of Tibet have been brutally oppressed with violence and torture by the occupying totalitarian Chinese Communist regime since 1950.

China’s Communist party officials were eager to show solidarity with International Olympic officials by demonstrating a Tibetan Buddhist Monk Toss event yesterday.

“They wheeled the poor monk out in a wheelchair. He had bruises all over him from the constant beatings that the Chinese mete out on an hourly basis. The monk was then lifted by a big burly Chinese man in a yellow leotard. He swung the poor monk round and round and tossed him like the hammer event,” a shocked IOC member from Austria told the Daily Squib.

After the Monk Toss event was completed there were loud and triumphant cheers from the Chinese party officials and the poor old monk was stretchered off, never to be seen again.

The Chinese officials tried to appease the situation afterwards by giving out cheaply produced toxic plastic trinkets and bottles of Chinese mineral water laced with raw untreated sewage to the assembled international entourage.

Heather Mills to Give All Winnings to Charity

Jackie Stalloni
-
0
Heather Mills to Give All Winnings to Charity

Heather Mills has exonerated herself from being called a money grabbing gold digger today at the high court.

After winning a whopping £25.8 million, which equates to £700 per hour whilst married to Sir Paul McCartney, the one legged former glamour model announced on the court steps that she will be giving every penny to charity because she was never “in it for the money.”

Heather then told the press that the next chump she finds will be “paying £1000 per hour for my services.”

Amongst a media frenzy that would rival a Beatles reunion, the triumphant Heather Mills stood on the court steps and an aura of goodness seemed to emanate from her very being.

“I was looking at Heather and it was as if she was glowing with goodness, almost like Mother Teresa. She floated above the ground and when she smiled I felt I was looking at a saint,” a stunned onlooker told the Daily Squib.

Heather had originally attempted to gain £125 million to give to charity but was unluckily brought down by the miserly Paul McCartney to a mere £25.8 million.

“I was not seeking any of this money for myself. I actually do not like money at all and I do not need a lot to live,” Heather opined on the court steps.

This goes to show that every cloud has a silver lining and that there really are pros with hearts of gold out there.

Secrets of Michael Douglas’ Youth Revealed

Jackie Stalloni
-
0
Secrets of Michael Douglas’ Youth Revealed

Michael Douglas and his much younger wife are a picture of Hollywood glamour walking down Malibu beach as the sun sets over the Pacific ocean.

To look this good costs money, we hear you say. Well, yes, it does. It costs a lot of money, but it is worth every penny.

Excerpts from next month’s edition of Hello magazine reveal the immense lengths that some Hollywood people resort to when fighting the specter of encroaching age upon their huge egos.

Renowned Hollywood Doctor Conrad Franken reveals how Michael Douglas is fooling everyone with his youthful boyish looks:

“The big secret in Hollywood at the moment is a groundbreaking technique which has really hit its stride. We’re talking about a substance that can rejuvenate people who should not even be alive. Treatment can cost an arm and a leg, but it’s worth it.”

We continue to ask the good Doctor what the secret ingredient is. “It’s something that is used in certain industries exclusively and we have simply adopted it into our own. Yes folks, the secret ingredient is (drum roll) — Formaldehyde.”

The procedure that all of Hollywood has been raving about is actually an embalming technique that is commonly used in funeral parlours throughout the world.

Michael Douglas’ face is pumped full of Formaldehyde each morning to keep his flesh from further decomposing. This solution preserves the human tissue and prevents any flacidity of the wasting flesh.

“After the celebrity is pumped up with a Formaldehyde solution a professional embalmer attends to the client and utilises specific makeup techniques to further the youthful illusion,” Doctor Franken exclaimed.

The cost for this daily procedure is $5,000 per three hour session, but most people believe that this is a small price to pay for the appearance of looking alive. It’s a miracle worker for people like Joan Rivers.

“We can work wonders when it comes to changing the appearance of someone’s face, but haven’t yet figured out how to fix their ageing, decrepid bodies so that they match their Formaldehyde injected faces. But it’s only a matter of time before medical science comes up with a solution for that too.”

1...781782783...799Page 782 of 799
squib footer 270

Breaking News

Copyright © Daily Squib 2024.

The Daily Squib is a curious satirical parody newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news.