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Heather Mills’ New Disguise Causes Concern

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After her exhausting and bitter divorce battle with Sir Paul McCartney where she only managed to steal £25 million from the former Beatle, Heather Mills has undergone a drastic transformation. Out goes her striking blonde hairstyle and in comes a completely new look and even sex.

The 40-year-old was seen showing off her new ‘paedo-look’ on Friday as she left the Beverly Cosmetic Surgery Center — a stone’s throw from South Central LA, which advertises ‘complete appearance overhaul services’ with ‘walk-ins welcome’.

According to reports from the tabloid press, Heather chose this clinic in a slum area of LA because the Guatemalan surgeons do not ask questions and it is also unregulated by any medical authority so she can have any cosmetic surgical procedure completed without any questions asked.

By changing her appearance from Heather Mills to Gary Glitter she has already moved up in popularity because ‘even the image of Glitter is an improvement to her previous self’. An assistant working at the cosmetic surgery clinic told the Daily Squib that Heather even considered changing her appearance to that of Michael Jackson but backed off at the last moment when the price of the surgery was flashed up in front of her.

The complete surgical transformation is said to have cost Heather over £5 million. However, experts say it is good money spent as she would do well to ditch her old look. “It is no surprise that she has opted for the jailed paedophile look because they’re two birds of a feather. Heather Mills is now Gary Glitter’s long lost twin. Whatever is going on in her head must be pretty strange but maybe this is a way of reconciling the fact that she does not deserve the money she got from Paul,” Dr Rosenbaum of the Beverly Hills Celebrity Psychology Unit told the Daily Squib.

 


Heather Mills, Before – After


After acquiring Sir Paul’s money in the court case, Heather was even criticised by the divorce case judge, Mr Justice Bennett, as a ‘less than candid witness’ who had a ‘warped perception’ of the world and ‘indulged in make-believe’.

Heather flew to Los Angeles from New York, where she endured over 42 hours of surgery at the specialist clinic.

She was said to be less than keen to hang around in the Big Apple after reportedly having a ‘blazing row’ with Sir Paul over when Bea would be introduced to his new girlfriend, American millionairess Nancy Shevell.

Sir Paul was staying in the exclusive Carlyle Hotel there after spending the previous week with 47-year-old Nancy in Antigua.

On Wednesday Heather was seen in New York sporting a Pirates of the Caribbean disguise resplendent with peg leg and hook arm – the first time she has been spotted in public since she travelled to the US to recover from the trauma of only winning £25 million in the court case.

She was reportedly enraged that Sir Paul has found someone else so quickly after their divorce, but after her new cosmetic surgery she is much more optimistic about her future — especially when she moves to the Far East next June.

Boy Considered School Outcast for Not Stabbing Enough

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A Manchester Primary has been shut down today because there have not been enough stabbings again. There have been sporadic incidents of children refusing to carry knives or participate in frenzied stabbing sessions down the local chippy near the school.

The Labour Children’s Secretary, was down here last week and he approved of the mass stabbings that go on a daily basis. He said that we are well up in the Labour stab league and we should therefore get more funding for our school this year from central government to buy more knives,” says Headmaster of Gleeford Primary in Salford, Manchester.

These certainly are worrying times for the Labour government who for ten years have put all their efforts into producing a sub-class of feral children that are terrorising the general population or those who are not of the chav class.

The Labour government has inundated their impoverished heartland areas with encouragement to continue the violent crime sprees by reducing court cases and prison sentences to a minimum. In some areas chav teens are not even prosecuted for their first murder offence but given an ASBO or ABC and told to attend a Kenyan safari trip paid for by the British taxpayer.

Stab Britain

Young boys in deprived areas (90% of Labour’s Britain) are being ostracised for not carrying knifes to school or participating in stabbings.

Attire is also a very important part of the new breed of Labour children. They usually wear hoods which obscure their faces as well as an assortment of cheap tracksuits and faux gold jewelry.

Yesterday, in Prime Minister’s questions, the Home Secretary put forward a plan to integrate more children into the Labour credo of stabbing: “Children who have grown up in the era of Labour ‘change’ are now violent feral thugs who commit murder at the drop of a hat. You may be sitting at a bus stop and a hoodie will come up to you and stick a six inch kitchen knife into your back as you board it, these are the next generation of kids who have grown up under Labour’s ideals and standards. This is why if you want our nation to carry on with this attitude you all must back Labour in the next election in ten years when you will all be eligible to vote for a new Labour leader again.”

Labour, since it has been in power, has reduced the number of police on the streets and has made a concerted effort to encourage violent crime so that normal citizens have to live in perpetual fear of death.

Modern Britain under Labour is a crime ridden bloodbath where wild rat children happily celebrate their tenth birthday with a stabbing or two thus pleasing their friends, and it seems the current government. Labour’s legacy is of course borne of that famous phrase uttered almost ten years ago: “Education, education, education”.

Beijing Olympic Flame Arrives in Tibet

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Jiang Xiaoyu (C), the executive vice president of the Beijing
Organizing Committee for the 2008 Olympic Games (BOCOG), showed
off the Tibetan buddhist monk who was the Olympic flame to the assembled International press crews in the  Lhasa main square.

Amidst the Chinese troops beating and shooting unarmed Tibetan civilians and monks there was an air of calm as the Tibetan monk who is the Beijing Olympic flame sat quietly burning.

Jiang Xiaoyu (C), the executive vice president of the Beijing
Organizing Committee for the 2008 Olympic Games (BOCOG) exclaimed: “This is historic day for Olympic game. China very proud to be part of the spirit of the Olympic flame. You can pour more gasoline on him now Xiang Xzong or the Olympic flame go out.”

The Chinese Olympics promises to be a smouldering success.

First Ever African American Joins Ku Klux Klan

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After the announcement in February that the Ku Klux Klan endorsed the first ever African American presidential candidate, there have been celebrations all over America within all communities whether black, white, Hispanic or Asian.

Irrespective of religion, creed or colour there has been a joining of forces that has been unrivalled in American history.

“I want to thank the Daily Squib for being the ones who had the guts to run the story in the first place. Without them there wouldn’t be the mass unity that we are now seeing. The race issue is always brushed under the carpet in the United States and we need to address it,” Ron Emerson told us from his Washington offices on Capitol Hill where he is spearheading a race awareness campaign for Obama’s 2008 Election candidacy.

It seems what we are truly seeing a shift in the politics of a nation that has been fractured for quite some time.

This is how America should be – a land where everyone stands together with “justice and freedom for all.”

Senator Obama has brought unity to America already with his campaign and his forthright stature has remained untarnished amongst the mudslinging oppositional reposts.

“The Democrats have damaged their own ranks and now it is time for true unity if we really want to win this thing. I read the comments people left behind on the Daily Squib KKK Obama article and I see a true hunger that people have to express their feelings on this issue. Isn’t it funny that it took a newspaper from England to address these real issues because the US media is scared to even go there,” an Obama campaigner from Illinois said.

Indeed, there needs to be a forum for informed discussion on the subjects mentioned above and it is a testament to the Daily Squib that the Ku Klux Klan are finally opening the doors after hundreds of years in the wilderness to a man of colour.

Cleavant Tupac D’shaun lives in Kentucky and is 43 years old. He lives a quiet life in the small town of Bear Wallow, Kentucky and is unemployed. He has 12 children and is a proud African American of Jamaican descent.

“I joined the KKK because they were recruiting in town one day and I thought I would give it a go for some fun. A kind looking old white gentleman with a cape said that there would be free food at the KKK HQ and a party for all.”

After the joining ceremony where Cleavant was inducted into the Ku Klux Klan he was given a cloak of his own and told to swear an oath to uphold the true Christian values which have been the cornerstone of the KKK since the beginning of their organisation.

The Daily Squib asked the local Ku Klux Klan office what the reasoning in their actions was and if this was a true gesture of solidarity with African American people across America.

“These are small steps for the Klan but today was a historic moment for the Klan as a whole. We have embraced our Christian brothers whatever their colour or sexuality. Jesus himself was a dark-skinned Jewish man with a hook nose and he is our true saviour. We must reach out and throw away the horrible prejudices of the past eras which are entrenched in awful ignorance and isolationism,” Imperial Knighthawk, Enos Vinton told the Daily Squib.

Enos then lights up a huge Jamaican spliff resembling a Camberwell carrot, inhales for a few seconds then blows the wondrous smoke out sighing with pleasure.

Looks like the KKK have finally found their true roots.

Comrade Harman Tours London Street

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During the high security visit by Senior Deputy Commissar of the Labour Party, Harriet Harman, the Comrade in arms with Supreme Unelected Comrade Gordon Brown, was protected by a phalanx of thirty Stasi Police officers.

Any proles within the area were told to stay back and were not permitted within 100 metres of Comrade Harman.

Wearing a stab-proof Kevlar vest on the London streets, Comrade Harman walked on the same dangerous roads as the prole masses and was not stabbed or shot once during the whole visit.

“By walking these streets I have shown the masses that we are living in a new era of safety and change. Since our Supreme Commander in Chief Gordon Brown was instated into our one-party system we have had unbridled freedom to walk the streets without fear,” Comrade Harman exclaimed to our reporter from the armoured vehicle after her tour.

Not since last month when Comrade Jacqui Smith of the Labour Home Secretariat decided to buy a doner kebab from a prole food stall within the sector has there been such daring shown.

She bought the kebab resplendent with a liberal dollop of chilli sauce whilst flanked by no less than ten armed Bolshevik soldiers.

Madonna in Training for Beijing Olympics

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Madonna has been working out for eight hours a day, seven days a week in preperation for the gruelling task of the Olympic games.

The pop star is determined to get the gold medal for the USA in the shot put event and judging by her biceps she/he is definitely going to be a formidable opponent.

She has been getting up at 3.30 am every morning for her strict exercise regime and has a personal trainer with her at all times.

Her husband, Guy Ritchie, supports her all the way and is even helping with her training by getting involved in arm wrestling matches with his wife during the evenings.

“I still have to beat her, but maybe one day, eh…” Guy told the Daily Squib from the set of his new film.

Madonna’s personal trainer has been singing her praises to all the media outlets and has even described the ease at which Madonna can hurl the Shots: “I’ve seen her pick up the Shot reserved for the men and hurl them 30 metres and not even break sweat. Last week we had the female Russian Shot put team in training here at Crystal Palace. Madonna walked up to them and threw one of the huge Russian women 20 metres. A lot of moustaches were ruffled that afternoon for sure.”

Madonna is always up for a challenge and it seems competing in the Olympics is going to be something she will really enjoy.

Church of Scatology to Save Pete Doherty

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Pete Doherty aims to dump his drug addiction once and for all by embracing the teachings of the Church of Scatology.

After getting back with his former flame, Nadine Buddy, who is a Scatologist, he has been reading up about the cult phenomenon.

The Church of Scatology was founded by American proctologist N. Ron Hubbub in 1983.

The proctologist claimed extra-terrestrial beings were sent to the bowels of the Earth by
intergalactic ruler Xepoo, who then destroyed the aliens by bombarding them with holy toilet bleach and flushing them down special alien toilet bowls.

The aliens’ souls attached themselves to chosen human ass hairs, known as klingons, and would wreak havoc on all of mankind forever. The Church of Scatology says that Cretins are the sole cure for these malicious alien klingons.

Pete, 29, first dated Nadine back in 2005 and the pair reportedly
enjoyed a scatological fling last summer, just weeks after the rocker split from
supermodel Kate Moss. They rekindled their romance earlier this month.

Kate reportedly banned Pete from seeing Nadine during their relationship because she was not happy about the Church of Scatology credo of “not wiping after every toilet trip”.

Tom Cruise who is the second in command of the church will personally fly into Heathrow next week to induct Doherty with an almighty ceremony.

Let us hope that the Church of Scatology finally cures the ailing pop singer of his crack habit.

‘Fast Bag Drop’ Huge Success at New Heathrow Terminal 5

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The grand opening of the new £4.6 billion Terminal 5 building at Heathrow has been announced as an unbridled success.

Heathrow’s Terminal 5 is the future of air travel in the 21st century and by the handling of luggage and passengers it sure lived up to the grandiose promises made last week by BAA executives.

Fast Bag Drop

Terminal 5 has incorporated a revolutionary technique in processing passenger luggage and speeding up the process of boarding a plane.

“It is quite easy, passengers simply drop their bags off and never see them ever again,” an operations manager for BAA told the Daily Squib.

Excellent customer service

On one of the departing planes, passengers on flight BA0469 to Benidorm
were spirited through the Fast Bag Drop in record time and their flight left on schedule.

One, Elizabeth Drusus, told the Daily Squib the captain said they would be leaving without any luggage.

They had been told this was part of the new BA system where passengers were encouraged to travel light.

“We are encouraging travellers to forget about essentials like luggage,” an airport official said.

A group of school pupils on flight BA275 to Guatamala also
said they were told by the airline that their bags were not on board
and they could choose whether or not to travel. They were bound for a
skiing trip.

“It could ruin it because we are scheduled to start skiing tomorrow,” said one schoolgirl, Natalie Bakehurst.

A British Airways official advised Ms Bakehurst to use a makeshift cardboard box to ski down the mountains instead of her skis and gave her a voucher for £5.50 and told her to “Hop it!”

Snopes Debunked After FBI Raid

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The Urban Legend website that sets to debunk many internet stories was yesterday raided by thousands of FBI agents in a dawn swoop that took the owners by surprise.

The offices for Snopes were housed in a disused warehouse near La Cienega and their location moved every week for the past few years.

“We could not trace where the Snopes people held their servers because they would move them every week. It is very hard for law enforcement to track down and bring to justice such sites,” Lieutenant Bill Rapaport told the Daily Squib.

Snopes who have claimed to be the upholders of all truth on the internet are actually a bunch of hoaxers who operate out of disused warehouses. It seems that they played on the fact that most Americans have to have everything explained to them and have no understanding of pathos or rhetoric. Snopes.com has been fooling American internet users for years and exploiting the premise that many of the population are not able to establish fiction from fact.

One distraught web user told the Daily Squib: “I was reading Snopes and the stories I read I assumed were debunked fake stories, but instead they were true stories and I frankly feel slightly cheated.”

Sniper Snoper

The owners of the offending website were marched away by a troupe of FBI agents after a protracted gunfight that lasted all of 14 hours. The Snopers even had a sniper rifle and pinned the FBI agents down in their vehicles for two hours. The Snoper gunfire from automatic machine guns then lit the whole neighbourhood up ending in a climax of TNT sticks being lobbed at the hapless agents.

The arrests were the result of a stakeout lasting two weeks and utilising state of the art aerial surveillance drones borrowed from the LAPD.

Chief of Police Dan Arbuthnot III Esq. for La Cienega PDA had this to say today: “We got ’em. It was hard but finally we got these Snopers for good, they won’t be out there on the internet claiming to be talking the truth with their propaganda lies. Snope my ass! William Faulkner sure has a lot to answer for.”

Carla Bruni Outshines Bling Bling Sarkozy During UK Visit

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Official French State Visit to Britain Special

Carla Bruni, the new acquisition of French Premier midget Sarkozy, was the talk of the town as she positively scorched the red carpet and had the British male politicians and Royals swooning over her every move.

Mrs Bruni Sarkozy, is the Italian-born wife who Nicolas married in Paris in February only months after divorcing his ex-wife,
Cecilia. Carla has also been known to have had a Jagger up her too.

Carla’s hot young looks are completely at odds with the hook-nosed midget power-crazy idiot she married.

“She was very at ease during the official visit and played the part very well despite her husband,” a senior aide to the British Royal family quipped.

Nicolas Sarkozy’s ratings in France are currently at their lowest point and he is viewed with derision and apathy.

 


Je suis un ghetto pimp

 

During the official visit ‘pimp daddy’ Nicolas was relegated to the the background and was clearly miffed at being completely ignored by all and sundry.

Tempers flared as ‘Mr Bling’ gave way to ‘Mrs Schwing’. Ah quelle horreur! Ooh la-la le très sexy Carla has arrivee!

 

“Nicolas was trying every trick in the book to be noticed and at one time had a tantrum in front of the worlds press when a French reporter from Le Figaro started laughing at the midget with the major Napoleon complex,” Daily Squib reporter Arnold Calabash writes.

Nicolas “Bling Bling” Sarkozy likes to wear flashy accessories and arrived in true chauffeur driven ghetto style but was still overshadowed by his hot strumpet wife much to his consternation.


The Sarkozy Bling mobile is in town



Former beau Mick Jagger had this to say about Carla: “
Yeah!
You’re a star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star Yeah,
a star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star A star
fucker, star fucker, star fucker, star fucker star


Nicolas Sarkozy may have some serious chips on his shoulder and a petit penis complex, but he is still President of a major world nation and nuclear power. After all, this is the sole reason why Carla married him.

C’est tout pour maintenant mes amis.