17.7 C
London
Wednesday, December 17, 2025
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 769

Gordon Brown Unveils New Tax on Smiling

1

No one is smiling anymore. That is the truth of the matter, and Gordon Brown’s new tax that he plans on introducing next week will definitely not make anyone any happier.

A tax of 90 pence per smile will be charged on every British person from next week as part of a government drive to increase taxation on the population.

The Labour government’s new initiative, however, may fall on some pretty dreary expressions, because each British citizen is taxed so heavily already, no one smiles anymore.

“British people are the most taxed people in the world. Each person in the UK has approximately 78 forms of tax heaped on them. That means on average the masses have to work for 8 months in a year before they start making money for themselves. Of course this is tantamount to slavery, but the British seem to have a knack for taking punishment without question,” Erica Lovell, analyst for the CBA Research Institute reported in a 500 page white paper.

Indeed if the government were clever they would put a tax on ‘frowning’ — something which the British people are very well versed in.

“Walk down any British street, get on a bus, go to a pub, drive a car, it’s pretty depressing seeing what Gordon Brown’s regime has done to everyone. They’ve got cameras everywhere tracking you, listening devices, no hope of any future for the young and people working themselves to death so that they can pay more taxes to the bureaucratic black hole that is Labour’s wasteful red tape nightmare. Gordon won’t get many smiles from people until he’s gone. That’s the only time people might smile again,” Damien Lugash, an ex-civil servant told us.

Don’t Worry Folks – US Federal Reserve Printing More Money

3

The US economy may be faltering but there is an easy way to circumnavigate the precipitous fall of banks and brokers.

“We had a great idea yesterday. I was sitting in my office with my head between my knees thinking about the next banking disaster that had just erupted. Hell, it’s all fake anyway, the institutions are all built on fake money and none of it actually exists. Why not print up some more paper money? Debt does not exist and neither does money, we’ve been conjuring up this stuff for hundreds of years as the ultimate control system of populations. That’s why as Fed Chairman, all we got to do is print more cash and everything’s going to be alright,” Al Weinstein, the Federal Reserve’s Chairman, revealed to the Financial Times yesterday.

‘Greed is Good’

The knock on effect in the UK is directly correlated to what happens in the US. The economic system of wealth through debt is exactly the same, therefore when the banks are stopped from receiving debt money from their cash cow (the public) then they are in dire trouble.

“We’ve been printing huge amounts of dollar bills since last week in anticipation of what has happened to the 158-year-old investment bank, Lehman Brothers. We have even had to have more forests completely felled in Minnesota and Alaska to cope with the demand,” Earl Pupkin, Senior Operations Manager for the Fed’s Mint remarked on Monday.

The Daily Squib finance dept. writer, Roger Phucka, advised readers to short the key banking stocks in the US and UK last week and if you had taken his stellar advice you would now be sitting in a Roller on your way to a caviar factory smoking a fat f*cking cigar.

Alastair Darling and Gordon Brown, having messed up the British economy irreparably will resort to the ‘printing more money’ trick soon enough.

So, the moral of the story is folks — print up some more cash and everything’s going to be ‘A-OK’.

Traitors Against Gordon Brown’s ‘Vision of Change’ Neutralised

4

Junior Commissar in training, Siobhain McDonagh, was today publicly hanged in Red Trafalgar Square in front of baying crowds of angry citizens who also threw rotten tomatoes at the vile traitor as she mounted the podium.

After her confession detailing her traitorous ways she was hanged and her body thrown on a dustcart and dumped at an eco-landfill site.

By orders from our great unelected leader Comrade Brown, she was sentenced yesterday immediately after trying to question the authority of our supreme leader.

Comrade Brown released a statement from the Westminster Duma about his decision to defeat enemies of the Labour state with the big ‘clunking fist of Soviet power’.

“Comrades, citizens, brave Bolshevik warriors, Soviet brothers and sisters. There has been more traitorous behaviour amongst our hallowed ranks. My closest party members have informed me of an evil, vile plot to underhand my supreme Soviet control over every facet of the Great British Soviet Empire and Labour party. My trusted aide, Commissar Balls of the Bilderberg told me of the evil plot just after I had arrived from my dacha in Southwold where I have been convalescing and planning the next twenty year collectivization plan. Rest assured, Comrades, these lickspittle yellow pusillanimous sorry excuses for Soviet comradeship will be dealt with in the correct manner. Let this be a warning to any other traitors who may be hiding and biding their time. Your wait will be short because your Thoughtcrimes will be revealed sooner or later. Yes, comrades, Politburo and Stasi officials are going to personally interview every member of the party and will leave no stone unturned. Nothing will get in the way of the Twenty Year Plan.”

There was silence as Chief Commissar of Re-Education, Ed Balls walked around the chamber and picked out the traitors who sobbed as they were then led off.

Good News Comrades

Comrade Brown has very generously increased the winter allowance to two blankets per household. This directive from Comrade Brown will ensure a warm winter for all citizens.

Remember comrades, Look, Listen and Report any signs of Thoughtcrimes against the state.

A special mention must go to citizen Joe Willis, 8, who reported his own mother, Mary, 36, to council Stasi officials in Sector 12 last night. Mary Willis was detained for not recycling a banana skin and filling her bin up over the required mark. She has been detained in a Gulag somewhere in Sector 101 (North England) for the next 42 years.

Comrades, we must
be vigilant in our Soviet duty to report any Thoughtcrimes, re-cycling crimes, or dissent
against our supreme Soviet leader and state.


Notice: B64691 INGSOCK Long Live the Gordo!

Palin May Drop McCain From Campaign

0

Republicans are not happy with the ailing geriatric McCain and are clamouring for a Sarah Palin takeover.

“She’s energised the GOP campaign against the Democrats. She can do things that McCain is very hard pushed to do, things like walking down the hall without the use of a wheelchair and she can even operate a pc computer to send emails which baffles McCain because he’s still in the era of the telegram,” Ron O’Hannity for the Fox Republican Broadcasting Corporation explained on Tuesday.

Catching Bill’s eye

Democrats are already clamouring for the Palin effect.

Ex-President Bill Clinton is reputed to be very impressed by Palin himself and has already asked one his aides for her phone number so he can give her a private ‘electoral consultation’ on his private jet.

“She’s going from strength to strength and is capturing the hearts of midwest white America. Obamamania is now history, we got Palinmania now and as for John McCain, he’s got to be careful with his ticker so no mania there,” Arnold Weinstank a DJ from WKSMT Michigan told his listeners on his daily talk show.

Hurricane Command Centre Runs Out of Names for Hurricanes

1

The World
Meteorological Organization which determines the names of hurricanes is now switching to Muslim names because they have run out of Christian names for hurricanes.

“We have had approval from the highest office i.e the president himself to switch hurricane names to Muslim names. There are many reasons for this, first we’ve run out of Christian names because of the amount of hurricanes that batter the US from the Pacific and Atlantic. Secondly, there is a war against Islam being conducted by our great country and the White House wants more Muslim related threats against the US,” National coordinator for Weather Research, John Tindsdale told CBS news.

Dick Cheney has ordered the Homeland Hurricane Security Agency to be mobilised immediately because of the imminent Islamic hurricane threat.

Jihad from the skies

The major grade 3 hurricane that is currently threatening the South East coast of the United States is called hurricane Ike.

After Ike passes through and dissipates, there are currently six other tropical storms waiting to come ashore and be upgraded to hurricane status. The new hurricanes will now be called, Mahmoud, Allah, Abdullah, Osama, Obama and finally hurricane Mohammed.

Fox news broadcaster Bill O’Reilly was foaming at the mouth at the very thought of more patriotic fervour being displayed across the country. Speaking on his O’Reilly Factor Fox show he said: “This is proof that the Arabs should all be eradicated from the earth. They are now attacking us with hurricanes and shitty weather, this makes suitcase nuke threats look like child’s play.”

Already, in Kentucky and Mississippi there have been demonstrations against the Muslim hurricanes and patriots have been lining the streets to shoot at the incoming gusts of vile Islamic wind despite evacuation orders  .

“We’re being invaded by that goddamn Islamic terrorist hurricane again and we ain’t going to lie down and take this. I’m fighting for Jesus and America here. George W Bush is my hero and I’ll fight to the death for that man,” Joe Arnold, 23, from Holt in Michigan told CBS news late yesterday.

Japanese Company Showcases World’s First Handheld Dishwasher

1

The GNC Gadget show is running from the 6th of September to the 12th and there are some amazing electronics on display.

The Tokai Corporation has taken the wraps off a new hand held dual-format dishwasher drier, although quite whether a miniature dishwasher has a future remains to be seen.

CEO Sanjuro Miromoto presented the amazing piece of modern technical excellence to an expectant audience after months of hype.

“The dishwasher can take a full load and once it is finished, you just put it in your pocket and go. It’s really that simple,” the CEO announced.

The handheld dishwasher will also come in a number of different colours so that the fashion conscious can enjoy.

Tokai is expecting this amazing hand held dishwasher to be in every household by Christmas.

The exhibition is now officially open to the rest of the public and gadget hounds have been swamping the mass of gadgets on display.

Air Guitar World Champion Breaks String Live in Concert

0

American Anal Bilgepump has won this year’s World Air Guitar Championships despite near disaster hitting during his set when one of his guitar strings broke.

Despite major setbacks like broken strings, blisters and a bout of tendonitis the air guitarist from Detroit soldiered on.

Bilgepump was crowned champ after beating 20 challengers from around the globe – including two-time defending champion Fu Kyu from Japan – and contestants from Russia, Australia and the UK.

Upon winning Anal Bilgepump said: “I honestly didn’t
think I had a chance. I was doing an A major Diminished chord when my D string went. Must have been the combination of sweat and heat. Dont get me wrong, I wanted to do good, to do
everyone proud, to at least look decent on YouTube. I just kept going folks and it’s that Rock’n’Roll spirit that got me through in the end.”

The World Air Guitar Championships started in 2003 and have been running annually ever since.

OJ Simpson Performs Puppet Show for Jail Inmates

0


Almost 13 years after he was acquitted of the double murder of his wife, and her boyfriend, Simpson is set to finally do his time in prison.

Nothing better to keep killers and robbers at bay in an overcrowded hell-hole prison than a lovely Sing Sing hand puppet show.

OJ is said to be practising for the 3 hour daily shows he will provide when he is sentenced later on in the month for a life term in jail.

If I Did It”

“I am very excited to have the opportunity to express my creative side with these puppet shows. The main character of the show is called Ron and the other character is called Nicole. As the shows go on I will introduce other characters to the mix.”

The All Star puppet shows will be held in the main mess hall of the correctional facility where there will be an impromptu stage setup for OJ to perform.

OJ is also all set to tour the varied prison populations in North America with his All Star puppet show when he will be transferred from time to time.

The next 40-50 years in prison will be all the time OJ will need to refine his show and perfect his wonderful art.

Unfortunately, you will have to be incarcerated in the US prison system to enjoy the shows.

So, unless you’re into getting your arse buggered in the showers for picking up the soap, it is best to steer clear of being in the audience of an OJ puppet show in jail.

Cliff Richard: “I’m Not Gay But My Boyfriend Is”

107

In his revealing autobiography, My Life, My Gay, published yesterday, the legendary crooner, Cliff Richard calls Father Seamus McElleroonie who he shares his home with, his ‘companion’ and ‘blessing’.

Sir Cliff, 67, met the former Roman Catholic priest during a trip to New York in 2001 where he was a judge at a choir boy competition and said that McElleroonie took a break from the priesthood soon after.

The Church Times writes: ‘He hadn’t any thought at the beginning of giving up the priesthood, and he was very reluctant to give up the choir boy benefits. I suggested a bigger pay packet, and he might help me with some charitable projects. He could still indulge in the old pursuits, of course.

‘That was seven years ago, and our arrangement has worked out really well. Seamus now spends most of his time looking after my vast collection of teapots from the 18th century and pushing my stool in whenever he has a spare moment.

‘He has become my special companion, which is great because I don’t like sleeping alone, even now.’

Sir Cliff Richard, a devoted Christian, met fans and signed copies of his book yesterday.

His private life has often been the subject of much speculation and the book attempts to finally come clean over many subjects, including voicing his approval for same-sex partnerships and what is the best cock ring to wear during sermons.

‘Same-sex marriages are perhaps a modern example of how things have changed’, Sir Cliff said.

‘What has been happening in the church for many years is finally coming into acceptance.’

‘It seems to me that commitment is the issue and if anyone comes to me and says: “This is my partner – we are committed to each other” then I don’t care what their sexuality is.’

The veteran performer, who has sold over 250million records, also takes the opportunity to hit back at those who question his personal life.

 He writes: ‘I am sick to death of the media’s speculation about my homosexuality. What business is it of anyone else’s when I parade around a book with all my darkest secrets of what I do… It’s none of your business? As a good Christian, I am so happy that the age-old Christian activities are finally being brought forward into the open.’

Sir Cliff also reveals how he nearly ended his famous ‘bachelor boy’ days by coming close to marriage.

‘Of all the two women I’ve known, one being my mother, there were only one that I’ve come close to marrying. .

‘I came close to asking the canescent sports presenter Sue Barker, whom I met in 1982.

‘I seriously contemplated asking her to marry me, but in the end I realised that she wasn’t quite hirsute enough to commit the rest of my life to her. There were no broken hearts.’

Bush Upset With McCain VP Pick

0

Republicans attending the GOP convention were astounded to see the ailing lame-duck president bitterly admonish John McCain’s much-hailed VP pick, Sarah Palin.

“John McCain has disgraced our nation and our flag. His choice of Vice President is a sure sign of treason goddamit!” Mr. Bush, visibly angry, told the convention by satellite from
the White House, the trappings of the White House’s banana trees planted by George W Bush himself providing an
authoritative if isolated backdrop compared to the elaborate stage he
would have stepped onto in St. Paul. “He picked someone from Alaska? Why did he not pick someone from America?… He is a jerk for that and I want someone to look into this…I’m callin’ Dick right now!”

The satellite broadcast was then cut abruptly and even commentators for the Republican propaganda news service, Fox News, were left speechless.

Bush allies were quick to defend their leader by telling the assembled reporters that the president may not have had his morning banana feed and would therefore understandably be agitated.

“The broadcast was scheduled before the president’s morning bananas and his keeper had not turned up yet, so the president was anxious. He needs his bananas or there’s trouble,” Julie Severino, a GOP representative for Illinois told Fox news.