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Comrades Across World Welcome Centralized Economy

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It may seem like market turmoil to you, the crescendo of raised voices uttered from shrieking newscasters as they ejaculate their fearful bulletins to news services all over the world, however, do not be afraid comrades because the people who are in charge are simply rearranging the furniture.

The wealth held by the elite is dutifully paid for by the taxpayer. As the governors of the lumpen masses, they are simply issuing a more central global economy and ushering the new era of one world government into overt existence.

“Comrade Bush has done his job very well. His job was to destroy America’s economy so that the big boys can integrate their wealth globally within a completely central economic system of control. America’s job was also to integrate unruly areas like Iraq and Afghanistan and destroy the last monotheistic religion left — Islam. Once that job is completed, then most of the work will be done. China is the model state and America is simply emulating their communist nationalised system. The UK went under a long time ago and Comrade Brown must be commended for his destruction of the British Sterling and economy,” Tommy Malthus, a researcher for the Brussels based non governmental think tank, Eugenics Institute, told Reuters.

Scientific Dictatorship

The next war is with internal populations. A global single government can only look inward for the next threat. The elite Barons have been fleecing the “plebiscite” for many years and now is no different from any other time apart from one small factor — more visible fleecing.

“Hundreds of years ago it was all too easy to fleece populations blind because of low education standards and slow news delivery. Populations today are even easier to fleece and though they read about it in their papers, mobiles and pc’s, they still choose to stay asleep. They know they are being fleeced but there is nothing they can do about it and besides, they are being entertained with so many gadgets and media they can’t be bothered to even look up and smell the coffee. We use repetition a lot to keep pounding away with the soundbites. The populations are given the reality that we want them to believe. We have been changing their beliefs for so long now that they have no perception of anything outside of our controlled system created for them specifically. It is all too easy these days to bring forth what we want. They are grazing away adrift in nonchalance and apathy. Perfect for the slaughter,” a source from the Institute revealed.

Slavery never went away, it simply morphed into a more covert state. The taxpayers job is to serve the elite psychopaths and provide for their every whim and wish.

Indeed, the war of integration will take many years to complete. Just like the towers of New York city that disintigrated into dust on one sunny day, so will the long standing institutions crumble and be assimilated into one world government.

John McCain’s Vice President Sarah Palin Learning the Ropes

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After leaving Alaska for the first time in her life to go to Washington, Sarah Palin is finally coming to terms with the role she is expected to play as the Vice President to John McCain.

The first thing the campaign advisers taught her is how to revive someone after they have had a heart attack or stroke. The medical term for this procedure is CPR and can be the difference between life or death for the recipient.

Sarah will also be briefed on how to change McCain’s colostomy bag in an emergency as well as feeding him his mush.

“This is a very important role for Sarah and I know she will make a very good nurse..ahem.. I mean Vice President,” Ronson Connors, a McCain adviser told CNN.

When John McCain wins the presidency, the White House will be remodelled for wheelchair access, mobility scooters, chairlifts and emergency buzzers in case of a slip.

“John needs his
daily injections to stay alive so Sarah will administer these everyday.
This is a very important job so she is going to have a lot of
responsibility on her head,” Mr Connors added.


VP Palin will conduct her important role within the White House wearing a very fetching nurse’s uniform including some very hot suspenders and revealing white top exposing her busty cleavage. This may have to be curtailed however because watching her bending over to pick up McCain’s teeth off the floor may cause some fatal heart attacks.

Amy Winehouse to Star in Female Version of Scarface Movie

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The new Scarface movie is an adaptation of an Oliver Stone script which he penned whilst wacked out on cocaine back in 1981.

“Say hello to my little friend”

“I wrote this script during my bad years. I needed the money and was asked to do a job about the drug trade and gangsters. I myself was doing huge amounts of cocaine during that period as was everyone else in the industry. Brian [De-Palma] approached me last year and asked if I could incorporate that script with the British pop star Amy Winehouse. I didn’t know who she was at first but after checking out her picture on google I immediately agreed to the project,” Stone told Empire magazine.

The soundtrack will revisit the electronic eighties kitsch of Giorgio Moroder but with Amy’s f*cked up slurring vocals included.

“We wanted someone who looked and talked the part. Amy Winehouse fits like a glove,” Jose Rodriguez, one of the casting directors for the movie told Empire magazine.

There are even rumours of surprise cameo appearances from Al Pacino himself, as well as gore and violence expert, Quentin Tarantino who is tipped to appear in another spectacular chainsaw scene.

“You know what? F*ck you! How about that?”

“Scarface with Pacino was hardcore, but the movie with Amy Winehouse will make the first film look like a nuns tea party in a convent. We had a preview screening for a few scenes last week in the studio and many in the audience were visibly sick, some even vomited into their popcorn. We’ve also had to utilise automatic projection machines because no projectionist could last for more than three minutes watching that movie. Amy is going to win us an Oscar for this for sure. I’ve never seen Quentin Tarantino actually scared for his life, he spent a night with Amy Winehouse for research purposes — the dude was crying like a baby at the end of the night,” Stone added.

The new film starring Amy Winehouse is set for release in August of 2009 and will be distributed by Miramax.

George Michael Builds Public Toilet in North London Home

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Walking into George Michael’s secluded Highgate mansion in North London you are immediately assaulted with the distinct smell of urine and the sound of flushing urinals.

The toilet obsessed music star is such a fan of lavatories that he has built his own replica public toilet in his house.

“I love the smell of urine in the morning. Armitage Shanks is my hero. Look at this toilet bowl it’s so clean you can almost eat your dinner off it..and I often do I tell you,” he exclaims pointing at one of the urinals in the kitchen.

Every room in the 24 bedroom mansion is decked out with similar toilet furnishings including a large authentic looking toilet cubicle in the drawing room resplendent with graffiti on the walls and a freshly laid turd languishing on the toilet seat. There are also extensive facilities available for all the daily visitors to indulge in crack smoking and the strongest skunk weed is available day and night. The police do not bother George because of his famous celebrity status and this is proven because whenever they catch him in public smoking crack they let him off with a mild caution.

George doesn’t have to venture out into the dank public gentlemen’s toilets in London or LA anymore because he’s got everything he wants at home.

“I used to enjoy blowing white van men I just met in the Hampstead Heath bogs but sadly the thrill is gone. Too many coppers about trying to stop the Greek lover doin’ his thang. All I want and enjoy is now at home, so gay builders now visit my toilets for a session without fear of prosecution. On a good day you can see the queue for my toilets going out past my car-park and sometimes even onto the main street.”

George Michael’s toilets are so popular that he has even employed his long-term boyfriend Kenny Goss as the official toilet cleaner to mop up the daily ejaculate mess from the hundreds of males who visit the £7.5 million mansion in North London.

Haringey council approved planning permission for the toilets in George Michael’s house within a week of applying on grounds that he was providing a public service to many men in the borough and the Greater London area.

Russian Annual Breastfeeding Vodka Marathon Underway

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This years annual Russian Breastfeeding Vodka Marathon was held at an old Vodka distillery in Izmaylovo district, Moscow.

Russians are renowned for their Vodka drinking skills, therefore it is no surprise that they wean their children on Vodka straight from the teats of the lovely Vodka drinking babushkas on display at the annual breastfeeding awareness festival.

Olga Pskovskaya, one of the ladies who has organised the festival, told the Daily Squib about the many benefits young Russian infants can receive from being breastfed from a young age with the delights of milk infused Vodka.

“In Russia we introduce babies at a young age to Vodka, it is a tradition for many hundreds of years. We like Vodka very much so when mothers breastfeed their baby they introduce the infants to the delights of our national drink. We very proud of our mothers and the babies all love the taste.”

Daily Squib reporter Eugene Fortnoy was then offered a sample of one of the Russian ladies’ breast milk and described the taste: “A heavenly taste, like a white Russian cocktail. I had a few sips of one of the young mother’s breast milk, and I was drunk as a skunk. No wonder Russian babies are so quiet, they’re usually whacked out of their heads on mother’s milk. This stuff must be at least 65% proof. I had to go lie down for an hour afterwards in my hotel room.”

Russia: International Breastfeeding marathon. “The global wave of breastfeeding” The goal: to convince all pregnant women that mother’s milk is the best that you can give an infant.

The Russian breastfeeding marathon is set to be a great success once again and will be held next year in St Petersburg.

Next year’s event will showcase over 700 breastfeeding Russian mothers and will hopefully increase awareness to other Russian mothers with regard to the benefits of breastfeeding.

“It is more natural for Russian mothers to feed their infants from the breast with Vodka than straight from the bottle. In recent years there has been a propensity to wean infants straight from the Vodka bottle bypassing the woman’s breast, this is not a good development and should be discouraged. Once the children are at three or four years old then they can go straight onto the bottle,” Ms Pskovskaya added.

Ku Klux Klan Protesters Interrupt Obama Event

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The group of mostly African American men held signs that read, “Blacks against Obama”, “Jesse Jackson hates Obama”, “Obama aborted my copy of the Daily Squib”, “Obama for gay marriage” and “Obama endorsed by the KKK.”

They are said to be part of a Miami based group called “Michael Warns”.

One of the groups leaders, Jason Roberts, 48, told CBS news: Obama endorsed the Ku Klux Klan, now we all know what that about. I’m black and proud and yet ‘niggaz’ still supporting that dude when he hangin’ out with those cross burning cloak hoes! Hell no! Not on my watch, not on my watch.

The crowd of over 5,000 people at the event shouted the hecklers down by chanting “Yes we can!”

Obama briefly paused and tried to calm the crowd down by telling the crowd to hold on. “Hey young people out there – it’s no problem for you to put your signs up, but let everybody – let me finish what I have to say, alright?,” he told the protesters as he stood on stage.

Indeed, it was only in February 2008 when the Daily Squib broke the groundbreaking news about Obama’s affiliation with the Ku Klux Klan. Even rapper, Snoop Dogg, has cited Obama’s shocking endorsement in a his new album to be released early next year.

The group was escorted out shortly afterwards by security. “Alright guys, see ya,” Obama said as they left, “Alright, let’s get back to work.”

A similar group of hecklers appeared at an Obama event in Tampa in August.

JK Rowling Donates £1million to Ministry of Labour’s Undersecretary Dolores Umbridge

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JK Rowling, a muggle authoress, has thrown away some of her money and endorsed the most putrid of Ministries ever created — the Ministry of Nu-Labour.

Special taxation and examination rule maker, undersecretary Dolores Umbridge, was on hand to collect the cheque from the ailing fantasist living in cloud-cuckoo-land, JK Rowling.

“She’s given a million pounds to the Ministry of Nu-Labour! A ministry which has lined its own pockets with cronyism, sleaze, scandal and pure lies. They are the most incompetent purveyors of gross taxation, surveillance, waste, greed and hypocrisy we have ever seen. They claim to help the little man, the single parent and the poor. Yeah, by taxing them out of existence and taking away their homes and hospitals and ruining their lives. That Lord Gordomort has got a lot to answer for I tell you and here is JK Rowling endorsing him? I’ve just gone and burnt all her books. I hope she rots in hell, horrible traitor that she is,” Amy Lewis, 8, a previous JK Rowling fan told the Daily Prophet.

Lord Gordomort was very happy to receive the million pounds from the stupid and deluded JK Rowling. He is now going to use the money she gave him to cause more havoc by increasing surveillance even more on citizens and for taxing more poor people into the ground.

“Soon no one will be able to afford any food to eat or feed their children. JK Rowling can eat with her £600 million, but what about everyone else? Lord Gordomort, who Rowling has endorsed, is an evil Stalinist beast who is determined to punish every person in the land with his wasteful, over-taxing bureaucratic useless laws and his cutting down of all freedoms. He must be stopped or we are all finished,” a distraught Gryffindor student, Harry Potter told the Daily Prophet.

Indeed, this whole episode has been a very sad chapter and the Daily Squib offices worldwide have been party to many JK Rowling book burning sessions after hearing of her terrible betrayal.

“We’ve had muggles and wizards alike all turning up to burn JK Rowling’s Harry Potter books all of today. The queue is going round the block of children with the books in their satchels throwing them into the fire in disgust. We’ve got some very distraught children and parents here and they’re all crying their eyes out at the most profound betrayal by this woman, JK Rowling. If you read this, hope you’re happy with yourself. You’ve surrendered to Lord Gordomort and his vicious Ministry of Nu-Labour cronies,” Victoria Frobisher, another disgusted Gryffindor student, told the Daily Prophet newspaper.

Camel With No Hump Discovered

 

The teams describe the species—a medium-size, even-toed ungulate, desert dweller—in tomorrow’s issue of the academic journal Science.

Fewer than a hundred flatback highland humpless camels exist, researchers estimate. They say they expect that a formal census of the flat dromedery’s population will land the species on the World Conservation Union’s “critically endangered” list.

Except for their furry off-white bellies and tails, highland flatback humpless camels are covered in thick brown fur. The thick coats are an adaptation to the dromedery’s mountain habitat, where temperatures can drop below freezing, researchers say. The species lives at elevations up to 8,000 feet (2,438 meters).

The humpless camels have red eyelids, anus, genitals, and tails. Deemed as the “aircraft carrier” genus of the camels, researchers have yet to directly measure a highland flat camel. But scientists say the mammals are about 6.8 feet (203.20 centimeters) tall and sport tails of similar length.

Humphrey Davenport, a Wildlife Conservation Society (WCS) biologist based in Mbeya, Tanzania, led a team that discovered the camels. The team found the humpless camels on the flanks of Tanzania’s 9,700-foot (2,961-meter) Rungwe volcano and in the adjoining Kitulo National Park.

“A number of things distinguish it as a distinct species,” he said. “But the key one above all is the flat back and no hump. You can land a frickin’ 737 on it’s flat back it’s so level.”

As adults, the camels emit a loud, low-pitched “honk-bark,” which is significantly different from calls made by any other dromedery species, Davenport said.

In addition, the flat back camel’s fur colour and upright crest of hair on its head help distinguish it as a unique species, said Trevor Humperdink, a research biologist at Udzungwa Mountains National Park in Mang’ula, Tanzania.

“As soon as I saw its fur color and flat back—which is very striking, probably the first thing you notice when you get a good look at it—I knew it was different and probably new,” he said.

Together with field assistant Ricardo Lacerta—and completely independently of Davenport’s group—Humperdink found a highland flatback camel population in the Ndundulu Forest Reserve in the Udzungwa Mountains.

 

Gordon Brown Endorsed Lehman Bros Days Before Collapse

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Gordon Brown who is nicknamed ‘velcro’ amongst Whitehall staff because bad luck sticks to him, is said to have extended his reverse Midas touch once again.

It was only last week when Mr Brown saw fit to praise the firm in a speech to waiting dignitaries at a CBI meeting :
“I would like to pay tribute to the contribution you and your company
make to the prosperity of Britain,” Mr Brown told assembled bankers in
London’s Canary Wharf . “During its 150 year history, Lehman Brothers
has always been an innovator, financing new ideas and inventions before many
others even began to realize their potential.”

The curse of Gordon Brown was then complete and one only had to wait a week for the permanent damage to materialise.

“Gordon is a walking one man disaster factory. Everything he touches turns to shit. Every sporting fixture where either England or Scotland were playing that he attended during the first few weeks of his premiership resulted in the team losing heavily. Pretty much every policy that he has engineered or brokered has been a complete waste and disaster. He was also responsible for selling off Britain’s gold reserves at the bottom of the market and of engineering the disastrous dithering economic policies that have left the UK in dire straits. Gordon is also responsible for the massive collapse of the housing market which he engineered bringing misery and pain to millions of people,” Peter Rusbrigger, a senior Labour backbencher told a commons hearing yesterday.

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Gordon Brown Visited Weston-super-Mare Pier

M&S Plastic Bag From 1986 Fetches £3,700 at Sotheby’s

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A large M&S plastic bag which used to belong to a tea lady from Grimsby was bought for 7,340 Swiss francs (£3,700). This was the highest price ever reached for a plastic bag at Sotheby’s.

The Marks and Spencer plastic bag was originally owned by Reggie Bunter,76, from Stoke on Trent but was entrusted to Mrs Adlington,89, many years later during a bowls game in Grimsby.

Before Sunday’s sale in Geneva, the auction house said that they thought the plastic bag could go for 500 Swiss francs. They commented that it was “almost certainly unique”.

The scarcity of any plastic bags from M&S have seen prices for the objects rocketing in recent months.

Geoffery Asder, head of plastics at Sotheby’s told a news conference held before the sale that the bag was one of “great symbolic and historic importance as they were now an extreme rarity”.

He added that the “combination of 1986 vintage and M&S label made this plastic bag an extremely rare and desirable commodity”.

The “M&S bag” was the only bag at the auction to go for an impressive price. A Tesco Quality bag circa 1995 was later on sold for approximately 20 pence.

It appears that plastic bag collecting can be an addictive activity, as Asder told Reuters before the sale.

“People who can buy these kinds of rare plastic bags have a quest for the perfect vintage rare supermarket bag. Once they’ve found it, they will go for it with no limit.”