The Health and Safety board will be dismantled after a recent Parliamentary White Paper put through the House of Lords found the Labour Stasi unit to be “unsafe and extremely hazardous” to the public.

Speaking to ITN News, head of the Common Sense Ministry in Whitehall, Sir Ludwig Sane, outlined the main reasons for the final curtain being pulled on Health and Safety: “Frankly we’ve had enough. They’re f*cking bonkers. You can’t even get out of bed these days without some trumped up overpaid shister in a white coat and a hardhat running over to you and telling you to stay in for the day. They’re now stopping people crossing the roads, walking on pavements and looking up into the sky.”

Last week the Labour government tried to increase Health and Safety units already covering the whole of Britain to cover Northern Ireland and the rest of the British Isles.

“We are increasing our numbers every day and soon Britain will be a complete Health and Safety zone so that we can have even more control over your hazardous lives. No one can stop our Health and Safety ways. No one! Not even the Squib!” Deputy to the Head of Health and Safety, Roger Yarwood boasted to our paper.

Labour Stasi ministers were said to be furious with the plans to kerb their flagship bureaucratic nonsensical waste of money body and have vowed to fight the common sense ruling to ban Health and Safety indefinitely.

Before this article was written, a Health and Safety officer attempted to stop me from typing on the keyboard. He was led into the Daily Squib office toilets and his head dunked in the toilet bowl repeatedly by the chief editor and a load of Squib staff writers. It is safe to say that we won’t see him and his Health and Safety again for awhile.

The 12 year old boy who has not been named yet, has made the extraordinary claim to the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Office and also filed a lawsuit against the Jackson estate.

“According to the boy he was with his family on a tour when the group were shown Jacko’s room in Neverland. He claims that a shadow came out of the wall and started to do bad things to him. We asked him how he knew it was Jackson, well, he said the ghost had one white glove and moonwalked across the floor before attempting to molest the boy. There were also witnesses to the whole sordid affair and even a photograph,” the Sheriff’s Deputy, Jordy Culkin was quoted in the LA Times.

Since the incident, the Neverland Tour has been suspended, and paranormal investigators have been called in. There are even plans to bring in an exorcist to try and rid the place of the moonwalking molester.

The ghostly molestation has seriously affected the boy who is now receiving councilling and his parents are very angry that no one warned them of Jackson.

“This is a terrible awful event which has affected us all. Jacko was not happy with molesting little boys in real life and now he’s doing it from beyond the grave? What a sick f***er!” the boys father told TMZ.

Senior White House aides are said to be concerned for the new president after the volume of cigarettes he is smoking daily has increased substantially in recent weeks.

“The Oval room is now one big ashtray, with Dubya we had to install a spittoon, with this guy we just have one giant ashtray in the middle of the f*cking room where he sticks his butts. You can imagine the stench especially, whenever there is a slight crisis. Barack will just keep chaining ’em like there’s no tomorrow. We even had to get some people in a few days ago to scrape the nicotine off the once white ceiling,” John Smithers, the White House press officer told CNN.

It has been one disaster after another for Obama and it seems the fake veneer of his election promises are slowly wearing thin.

Tanya Gould, a prominent Obama supporter and campaigner told the Washington Times: “It’s like the people got conned by electing him and sometimes you see the real truth of the situation. Like you get little glimpses, but then the PR people come in and gloss over the truth. I just wish there would be some reality even though things would be bad at least it would be real huh.”

The White House’s resident doctor, Meat Johnsons M.D, who trained at the Michael Jackson School of Medicine, said this about Obama’s unhealthy habit: “We need to realise that Obama is under a lot of stress and he needs to smoke because it gives him the strength to carry on when everything else is crumbling around him. I say smoke more!.”

What with the whole of the U.S.A slowly imploding underneath the trillions of debt dollars; the social infrastructure crumbling; healthcare reform; inevitable defeat in Afghanistan; pensions and mass unemployment — at least Obama is keeping the U.S.’s tobacco industry afloat.

French President, Nicolas Sarkozy, who attended a meeting with Obama at the White House last week was astounded at the level of smoke in the Oval office: “Sarkozy is not a big guy and we actually lost him at one point under the smoke from the cigarettes and ashtray. We had to get a secret service dude to open the window so we could find the French guy. In the end we found him cowering behind a chair. It was a hectic 25 minutes I tell you,” another aide, who spoke to us on condition of anonymity, divulged.

The new non-compulsory scheme will be unveiled by the unelected Soviet leader, Comrade Brown, next week where he will outline the offences that will be applied if anyone is caught without their papers and ID in all sectors.

“Your papers please”

“This non-compulsory scheme will make it a non-compulsory offence to not carry an ID card issued to you by the state. You do not have to have your ID with you at all times, but if you are caught without one you will be committing an offence,” the new Commissar for Stasi Security, Comrade Johnson announced.

Since the honourable discharge of Commissar Smith, there has been a concerted effort by the Labour hierarchy to present a more friendly image to the process of controlling proles.

In Other News

Retinal scans in sector 12b were halted yesterday due to a problem with the machine. Proles who work and live in the sector must be prepared to wait in long queues to enter the sector and must have their fingerprints and ID cards on their person or they will be arrested in a non-compulsory way and detained indefinitely.

We must remind proles that any thoughtcrimes or even thoughts of thoughtcrimes will be sniffed out and the offenders sent to re-education camps.

Congratulations to 8 year old, Beryl Honeywell (Sector 34), who reported her mother and father for thoughtcrimes against the state. They were also guilty of committing terroristic acts against the Soviet people by not purchasing the correct amount of carbon credits for the year. The two terrorists were detained yesterday and will spend the next 42 years breaking rocks in a gulag somewhere in sector 101.

Speaking from Westminster, the Prime Minister offered his full support to the Iranian people: “The Iranians are very brave in trying to get rid of their unelected leader who has hijacked their country and is running it into the ground with his tin pot dictatorial ideas. This mad man has caused economic chaos and serious problems to the Iranian people and world at large. He is an unelected dictator and I personally commend the brave fighters who resist this unjust charlatan who has somehow shoehorned himself into the post.”

Mr Brown has also made it known to the unelected leadership of Iran that he intends to support the people who oppose the dictatorship currently in government.

“It is an utter disgrace that an unelected leader with no mandate can sneak his way into office and hold a whole country to ransom. This unelected Iranian president has also seen fit to hold on to power through any means possible. How cowardly and reprehensible is that?” Mr Brown added.