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Daily Squib Goes to High Court to Gag Any Mention of Super-Injunctions in All Media

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Daily Squib Goes to High Court to Gag Any Mention of Super-Injunctions in All Media

“This is a momentous day in super-injunctions. From now on, it will be illegal to even utter the words ‘super-injunction’ or for any celebrity to claim that their super-injunction was breached because there will be an altogether bigger super-injunction in place that will prohibit all mention of super-injunctions being uttered ever again,” Donald Moseley, the Daily Squib’s barrister said at the steps of the High Court today.

Justice Mucclespittle, ordered the super-injunction on all super-injunctions to be in place at 1 pm today and all news stories that were scheduled to be published after that time would be deemed illegal.

No more super-injunctions

“Anyone talking about super-injunctions in any shape or form will be taken to court and could be jailed if found guilty. Anyone twitting, tweeting or twatting about super-injunctions on the internet will be breaching the law and could face serious repercussions for their careless super-injunctionable words,” Justice Mucclespittle was recorded as saying after the hearing at Madame Whip’s dungeon situated just a few streets away from the courts.

News of the demise of all super-injunction news stories in mainstream news outlets was greeted with relief from the general public.

“Thank f*ck for that. I’d rather shave my eyeballs with a rusty razorblade then read another f*cking story about super-injunctions,” Joyce Petherbridge, 82, from West Glamorgan told the Daily Mail.

Greece Could Erase Debt Like Iceland

Enid Hump
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Even though the Greek debt levels are 170% of their GDP, their infrastructure is shot to shit, and their bonds are worth less than junk status, Greece still soldiers on amidst the torrent of messages signalling that they should get out of the euro as soon as possible.

Forget about butter and sugar mountains that rich EU states like Germany are flouting, Greece’s huge debt mountain is even bigger than Mount Olympus.

“It is kind of ironic that the place where the birth of democracy is sited should be a place that will destroy the Fascistic EU, with its single currency state,” a political commentator from Brussels told the BBC.

It’s not just the Greek finance minister, or other Greek hierarchy who deny there is a problem, the unelected EU technocrats are also denying vehemently that there is any ounce of Greek debt that cannot be dealt with.

Servicing the Greek debt involves paying more in interest payments alone than the yearly income of Greece. There is no way in hell they will be able to re-pay the extra loans they have received, and what’s more, there is the further issue of the majority of the Greek population, who do not pay tax, and retire at the age of 45 with full state pensions and other EU subsidies.

“Let the Germans pay for it”

Nikos Malineros, 38, is a government officer from Athens: “I work two days a week, then the rest are my days off, all paid for by EU subsidies and what little tax payers we have in Greece. I’m set to retire in a few years with a full salary pension and I even receive bonuses each year if I attend more than one day a week at my post as chief of Municipal Aggregation.”

After the smouldering ruins of the Greek economy fade away into the darkness, the ghosts of the great Socrates, Homer and Plato will smile knowing that Greece has dealt a divisive blow upon the un-democratic Achilles heel of the evil EU juggernaut.

“We as Greeks first gave the EU a wooden horse as a gift. Then we breached their walls with our huge debt and moribund state. We lied to get into the rich club, then we squandered the EU subsidies and spent like there was no tomorrow. Now look at the EU, they are teetering on the edge of a huge precipice to be smashed on the rocks. By Zeus, we have smote the mighty Kraken with one fell swoop,” Stavros Acropolis, a shop owner from Athens told Axiaplus news.

Don’t worry, just drink some more ouzo, short the euro, and smash a few more plates, it will all be over soon.

Obama Finally Releases Osama Death Pic

Enid Hump
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Obama Finally Releases Osama Death Pic

Obama is the master of timing, and with an election coming up soon, he’s putting all his cards out on the table.

“This will prove to all the naysayers and conspiracy theorists that the US is not pulling your leg with regards to Obama bin Laden’s death, ahem, I mean Osama bin Laden, please excuse me. As you will see from the photograph, this is conclusive evidence that Osama was shot and killed the other day and that he’s as dead as the rumour about my birth certificate not existing. It’s right there, you can see it with your own eyes folks, no photoshop, no nothing, just plain all Osama in his bedroom dead as a doornail,” Obama said at a White House news conference last night.

If you scroll down the page, you will see for yourselves the incredible photograph of Osama bin Laden’s death which the White House finally released.

“No doubt, it’s Osama. We’re 99.99.9% certain it’s him we shot. We even cross referenced his DNA and then made up whatever we want because no one can verify if what we say is true or not,” Obama’s terrorism chief, Barney Grossberger, told the Washington Post.

Well here it is, the final elusive photo of the dead Bin Laden.

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IMAGE CONTAINS GRAPHIC CONTENT. PLEASE VIEW WITH CAUTION.

 

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YOU’RE GETTING CLOSER..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE AND YOU’LL SEE IT..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OK, OK, HERE IT IS. BIN LADEN’S PICTURE RELEASED BY THE WHITE HOUSE TODAY.

 

V

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UK Government: "We've Had Four Recessions in a Week"

Enid Hump
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UK Government: "We've Had Four Recessions in a Week"

“Last week we had four recessions, and this week only two, so it does fluctuate somewhat but I think it’s getting better,” John Smarms, deputy to the Chancellor of the Exchequer said on Tuesday.

This remarkable disclosure will confirm everyone’s fears that despite assurances that we are only having one small recession per week, it is sometimes three or four, and of course, all under the hat of one massive recession that will probably never end.

“They need to get the recessions down. One minute we’ve got one recession, then the next it’s four, I saw that in the first week of April we had six recessions in that week. This is ridiculous, what the bleeding hell is going on?” John Thomas, 56, from Bolton told the BBC.

The Office of National Statistics released further data yesterday saying that the “recessions occurred within recessions and were all part of a bigger recession, and probable bigger overall recession than the one before that recession”.

Obama Mission Accomplished

Enid Hump
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Obama Mission Accomplished

Moments after the landing, the president, wearing a green flight suit and holding a white helmet, got off the plane, saluted those on the flight deck and shook hands with them. Above him, the tower was adorned with a big sign that read, “Mission Accomplished.”

“Osama dead combat operations will now end”

“We got him,” said Obama, a wide smile stretched across his face as he posed for photographs with crew members who gathered to get their pictures with the president. He draped his arms around some, slapped the backs of others and shook hands with many.

Obama continued his momentous speech on the deck of the Lincoln: “In the Battle against Iraq and Afghanistan, the United States and our allies have prevailed. We have won the war and combat operations are officially over. Now that we got Bin Laden, we can safely say that the mission is accomplished and we have no reason to illegally occupy anymore Arab countries.”

Obama then went onto talk about the perpetual war of terror started by his predecessor, George W Bush: “The perpetual war of terror created by the former president’s administration is now over. I will be instructing our forces to leave these foreign lands as soon as possible, and America can get back to normal again.”

At one point, he looked up to the observation deck and held up both arms to the roar of hundreds of sailors who had crowded the area.

To others, the president said, “Thank you,” and ” ‘preciate it.”

There was a big fanfair on the deck of the ship with the Navy band striking up a tune as everyone cheered wildly.

Osama Yet to Release Long Form Death Certificate

Enid Hump
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Osama Yet to Release Long Form Death Certificate

“I don’t believe he died yesterday until I see his long form death certificate. I saw a few photoshopped pics but I want to see the actual long form,” an Osama bin Laden death doubter revealed to CNN.

The remarkable timing of Osama’s “death” was also cited by Osama death unbelievers, who also questioned the efficacy of the incredible announcements from the desperate Obama administration who are gearing up for re-election next year.

“Buried at Sea”

“Funny how Dubya was helping his bogeyman pal to hide, and so was Obama until it suited his agenda to shut their asset down. What did they do, run into the room whilst Osama was on his hospital bed dialysis machine and shoot him in the head? He’s been dead for over ten years, and all of this time they’ve been using his image to invade and occupy much of the Middle East. I don’t believe a word they say. I want to see the long form death certificate and un-photoshopped pics,” another Osama death doubter said from New York’s Times Square.

Republican hopeful, Donald Trump added to the doubters: “We finally got Obongo’s long form birth certificate, of which I’m getting my people to go over with a fine-toothed comb. Now we need Osama’s death certificate long form. C’mon Obama, let’s have it.”

Nerds Finally Get the Chance to Get Laid

Enid Hump
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Nerds Finally Get the Chance to Get Laid

“This is a breakthrough, I’m 48 and have never had sex in my life. Now I can finally procreate thanks to this amazing machine,” Garry Weinstink, who works for some faceless tech company in Silicon Valley, Northern California, revealed.

Brave New World

Major tech companies are now all buying these machines in droves says the U.S. department of commerce.

“The geeks and nerds these companies employ need to pass on the geek and nerd genes somehow. Obviously women steer clear of the poor bastards, so in the interest of continuing our investment in technology for the next generation of nerds, we have installed these machines all over our buildings,” vice president for Nanomorph Corp. Edward Fink, told Wired magazine.

The Daico corporation Sperm Retrieval machines are diecast and sturdy and can withstand the pressures of amorous geeks without any problems.

“We got three in the hall, one in the cafe, one in each toilet and even some in the programming rooms. If you’re in the middle of a serious project with a deadline to catch, you can relieve some of the pressure and then get back to work. We’ve seen our work productivity continuum increase by 65% with the use of these machines in just one week. Hell I even tried one and I have to say, my wife only gets seconds after this thing,” a beaming Mr Fink revealed.

How Kate Snagged Her Prince

Enid Hump
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How Kate Snagged Her Prince

“You too can climb the royal mountain of social status just like Kate Middleton has,” Robert Goering, a royal palace spokesman has told the Sun newspaper.

She may not have had a job before her marriage to the prince but on the balcony yesterday, there was a brief glimpse of how she got where she is today.

“This is testament to her mother’s training in social-climbing. The Middleton’s are a beacon of hope in Britain’s class driven society. They are also a message in how socialistic Britain has become. In other words, this is not just the watering down of the royal families lineage but a welcome boost to the new order, where if one is prepared to do absolutely anything, you too can get up there,” Mr Goering added.

Gordon Brown and Tony Blair Invited to Daily Squib Offices Instead of Royal Wedding

Enid Hump
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Gordon Brown and Tony Blair Invited to Daily Squib Offices Instead of Royal Wedding

While the Middle Eastern despots, torturers and warmongers all got front row seats at the royal wedding of the century, it is surprising that two of the most dastardly, malicious and damaging characters in politics in the last few years, were omitted from the guest list.

“It certainly says something when you would rather invite a Syrian or Libyan torturer to your wedding and not the former Labour prime ministers,” BBC commentator, Huw Edwards said on the day.

The Daily Squib had to step in to save this hypocritical travesty.

This is why we invited Blair and Brown to our offices for a slap up meal and to watch the whole wedding on the Squib telly in the writing room.

“We thought we should invite these two pitiful characters to our office binge because, frankly, we actually felt sorry for them. They can plot their Bolshevik revolutions to their hearts content here although we want nothing to do with that sort of thing,” one of our senior editors, Al Hertyu, said.

As soon as the two former Labour PMs walked through our doors, there were cheers all round, and then the pie throwing kicked off.

Let’s just say that after the staff had their way, Blair and Brown were unceremoniously thrown back out into the street where a mob of royalists recognised who they were and proceeded to kick the living shit out of both of them. Huzzah!

Barack Obama Never Existed Claims Un-Birther

Enid Hump
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Barack Obama Never Existed Claims Un-Birther

They’re called the un-birthers and they think that Barack Hussein Obama was never born in the first place.

“We don’t believe the president exists and what’s more, we don’t know who’s in charge of the United States right now,” Ronald Jeremiah, an un-birther from Chicago told CNN.

The new un-birther movement has taken the internet and media by storm, and all of today there were constant Drudge report headlines with the latest un-birther news about Obama’s non-existence.

“Who’s Barack Obama?”

“Forget about Honolulu or Kenya, we don’t think there is such a thing as Barack Obama. We think that he never existed or was born. We’re not looking for a birth certificate because you can’t have one if you’ve never existed and do not exist right now, or at anytime in the past or future. If he had existed, there would be no cause to think that he exists in this dimension or in another dimension, whether we adopt the principles of particle physics or string theory or whatever crazy ass theory some guy from MIT comes up with. Who knows? Here, have another cream soda,” Professor Elohim Bandersnatch, head of the un-birthing movement, said in a recent address at Capitol Hill.

One thing that sadly does exist however is Donald Trump.

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