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London Olympics Posters Unveiled

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“London is ready for the 2012 Olympics and the authorities want to entice athletics fans to the capital from all over the world,” Mayor Boris Johnson said from his luxury villa in the Maldives.

The new posters will showcase the diversity of London’s cosmopolitan streets.

“These posters will be put up on burning double-decker buses, shattered bus stops, and even taxi cabs gutted by fire bombs,” a British Olympic official told the BBC.

Athletes who will compete in the Olympics were also enthusiastic about the new posters.

Andy Molotov, a Triathlon athlete said: “As you can see from the posters, there is a lot of fire there to make the olympics in the U.K. heat up and explode with success.”

Chav Hoodie Christmas in the U.K.

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EVERYTHING MUST GO

“I need a new plasma TV. I just went and got one. Innit,” one of the looters told Sky news.

The Daily Squib predicted that the U.S. style flash mob robberies would start soon in the U.K. and it seems we were right on the money.

The disenfranchised hoodies, chavs have all come out of their cages and been let out onto the streets.

Flash mob robberies and flash riots are very effective ways of creating chaos.

David Cameron, who was enjoying a pizza in a Tuscan trattoria said today: “I just enjoyed a wonderful Margherita pizza with my wife, and we are now going for a walk in the piazza, maybe enjoy a glass of Chianti in a bar, then go back to our luxury villa and have a midnight dip in the pool.”

CLOSING DOWN SALE

“It’s like Christmas, New Year and Hanukkah all rolled into one as the police are completely powerless against these flash mob robberies. The chavs use their mobile phones to mobilise in different areas where the rozzers aren’t, then move on again. It’s just a massive free for all shopping spree,” a local resident of Enfield, told the BBC.

Another local resident said: “This is the problem with building social housing amongst residential areas where people live. It means that there is a constant threat that the animals will get restless and run riot. It’s the ‘gibs me’ culture, where they think everything is owed to them. These are untermenschen, brainwashed by rap culture and they should all be housed in their own enclaves away from civilised human beings.”

UK Used to Have Fourth Largest Gold Reserves Until Gordon Brown Came Along

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The current economic crisis enveloping the world at the moment could have been very different for Britain if Gordon Brown had not sold off Britain’s gold for a pittance as prices now are reaching $1700.

“Britain would have had a real bargaining chip if Gordon Brown had not sold off all the reserves for the lowest price. We used to have the fourth-largest reserves in the world, now we’re barely at twenty,” Barclays stockbroker, Reggie Braithwaite, told the BBC.

Britain’s reserves were not ‘salted’ unlike their American counterparts who do not have a full vault at Fort Knox, the UK lost £16 billion when Gordon Brown sold 400 tons of Britain’s gold reserves at rock-bottom prices in 1999. If he had kept the gold, and it had been sold at today’s prices, the U.K. would have been in a different position to what it is now – a moribund wreck.

“With the additional reckless spending spree that Brown went on when he shoe-horned his way into office, the U.K. will be in trouble economically for the next 40–50 years. Many generations of taxpayer will have to suffer just because of one man’s idiocy and reckless vandalism. Gordon Brown is actually a traitor to Britain. He should be tried for high treason for making our nation into a defenceless piss hole without any chance of getting out of this mess for many years,” Thomas Hetheringbone, 87, a decorated WW2 veteran, told the Times.

Gordon Brown, who has been on a permanent taxpayer funded holiday since being ousted from office, even tried to apply for the head job at the IMF recently.

Obama Turning to Witch Doctors For Economic Advice

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“Obama is so desperate that he’s turning to voodoo to get the U.S. economy back on track,” a Treasury employee told CNN.

The White House was tonight being prepared for the arrival of the witch doctors, who will utilise many different techniques and materials for their special rituals.

“Help From the Old Country”

“They been doing this stuff for thousands of years so they know what to do. We’re bringing in some goats and chickens and putting them in the East room. I told ’em to watch out though and not get any blood on the carpet,” a White House aide said.

According to anthropological experts, the voodoo practitioners will all try to bring the U.S. economy back from the brink of certain destruction, but even if they fail, they will still get paid, much like real economic advisers and so-called experts.

“We’re hoping for the Dow to rise by at least 600 points, depending on how many chickens are sacrificed,” one of the witch doctors revealed just before leaving Nairobi international airport yesterday.

Unfortunately for Mr Obama, this is the last chance he has to make things work after he was caught sleeping on the job whilst a major economic meltdown happened right under his nose.

“Obama is using American taxpayers’ money to fly these guys from Africa to Washington for three days, feed them and pay them. This just beggars belief,” John Bullwark, a senior GOP representative from Texas told Fox news.

President Obama, who was attending his 50th hip hop shizazoe hizzoe bash yesterday, was not available for comment.

Obama's Birthday Wish Coming True

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“This is my 911. Me. There are no need for planes to hit buildings here, I just turned up to work at the White House, and that’s all it took,” Obama said smiling before cutting his birthday cake.

To complete the final move to complete state dependent socialism, the capitalist system must be destroyed, and this is what Obama is doing so well, he must take away America’s dependence on consumerism, on waste, and lastly on the so-called ‘American Dream’.

Not everyone, however, is angry with Obama’s spendthrift ways. He still has massive support from stalwarts like Oprah Winfrey and ordinary black Americans who are loving the destruction meted out onto ‘whitey’s empire’.

Trevon Manding, 45, an unemployed man from Chicago’s East side, told Ebony magazine: “Let’s see how whitey likes the ghetto. Our boy Obama giving some of that payback time for four hundred years of slavery. They built their empire off the backs of the negro, worked him into the ground, whipped his ass till it bled. Now we got one of our own in the White House, he’s taking away what the white man cares so much about, their huge stolen wealth and their dumb ass military. We truly love Obama for what he has done to America. Every cook out, every house, we’re talking about how much we love Obama. White folk got fooled by voting for this player, he played them real good and now it’s payback time. We got the last laugh, enjoy the ghetto, we been living in it for years, now it’s your turn.”

The myth that the world was ever out of recession was perpetuated by the controlled media outlets, but the plain truth is that this is a depression created by bankers and the elite, and will take 20 to 30 years to get out of, if ever.

Jules Sperme, a researcher at Washington’s policy research institute of research, said: “People don’t realise that the systems created through the centuries are not sustainable anymore; mainly due to mass migration, huge increases of populations, and unfettered globalisation. Therefore, one must accept that if the system is not sustainable, and is strained beyond repair, it must be destroyed. The survivors of the coming destruction will be the architects of the next civilization, they will inherit the new world, as the consumerist one is destroyed and upgraded to that of a low population scientific society. Something that philosophers and writers like Bertrand Russell and Aldoux Huxley were writing about in their books in the 1930s and countless others before that were dreaming about.”

The general population, who pitifully voted Obama in, were hypnotized and they are the harbingers of their own destruction.

“If I voted for Obama I would be so ashamed of myself right now. You might as well stick a gun to your head, burn your house down and dump your family in a ditch. These people are the ones who brought destruction to America. The people who voted for this guy should be shunned from society and expelled as outcasts because they have collectively brought us down to the level that will spell the end of America.” a man who did not vote for Obama told CNN.

As the debt ceiling was raised to increasingly impossible heights on Tuesday, a $239 billion spike on Thursday took up 60% of the funding, which means that the $14,694 trillion limit is already dangerously close to being breached.

The many other variables that will also contribute to the continued destruction are the 3.7 million Americans who are about to lose their unemployment benefits after their 99 weeks of eligibility are up, as well as the continued turmoil in the eurozone where U.S. banks are entrenched as well.

Maybe soon the vast prairies of America will once again see their true indigenous inhabitants reclaiming the lands that were stolen from them so cruelly, the bison will be roaming, and the tipis gracing the destroyed ruins.

MPs Could Be Hanged For Expenses Fraud

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Capital punishment has been voted back into law by Parliament after an e-petitions scheme attracted more than 800,000 signatures clamouring for the death penalty to be re-introduced.

MPs were forced to debate the issue last week, and it was duly agreed that capital punishment should be part of British law once again.

“Shame we’re not going to bring back quartering as well, I can think of a few people who would deserve that,” Conservative MP, James Dawlish, told the BBC.

Under the new rules, even MPs could fall foul of the capital punishment laws and be prosecuted for expense fiddling.

“Expense fiddling by MPs is a criminal act and should be punished by death. They are stealing taxpayers money, which is no better than robbing a High Street bank. Under the new laws, MPs would be hanged in Parliament Square, then their hanged bodies would be left swinging on the traffic island to rot and be eaten by the ravens as a lesson to the other MPs who think that stealing is a good idea. I think they might learn a lesson or two after that,” Cyrus Baldinger, a political commentator from the Daily Mail reported in his column.

There are fears, however, that the whole of Westminster could resemble a mass gallows because of the sheer number of MPs being hanged, causing traffic chaos with tourists and grim onlookers gathering at all times of the day and night. Health and Safety officers have also said that the smell of rotting MPs swinging on the ropes would be awful, attracting flies and maggots that could be a health hazard to the public.

The last hangings in Britain occurred on 13 August 1964, Peter Anthony Allen at Liverpool and Gwynne Owen Evans at Manchester Prisons.

Obama to Have Face On New Dollar Note

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Speaking from Capitol Hill, the former president said that he was truly honoured to be featured on the new zero dollar bills that will be printed.

“My fellow Americans and Kenyans. I am truly honoured to have my face on the new dollar bills that will come into circulation from next year. Please remember, whenever you spend your hard earned cash, how I have served our great nation. When you try and pay your rent, or buy some food to eat, when you try to fill your car with gas, take a long look at my face on that bill, and think about how I have consistently spent your cash, for nothing. What did you get out of my spending? Think to yourself, is your life better now? What about that ‘change’, can you feel the change? Well, with today’s prices, I doubt you will have much change left in your pockets. That’s for sure.”

The Secretary of Treasury, Larry Fleischman, has already conducted preliminary meetings with the BEP regarding the new Obama zero dollar notes and they should come into circulation.

Ordinary Americans were generally enthusiastic about the announcement that the new zero dollar bills with Obama’s head plastered all over them would soon be available.

Fredo Carmine, 37, an electrician from New Jersey said: “What the fuck? Now I gotta look at the mouli when I’m paying for everything. It’s like a double kick in the meatballs. Look at this frickin’ shit, I can’t even afford to buy my kid candy. What the fuck am I gonna tell my little Johnny? Obama ruined our fuckin’ economy and spent so much money that daddy can’t afford to even by you a stick of candy. Bullshit!”

Greece to Bailout U.S.

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“We are offering the United States some much needed assistance in this terrible time of need for their nation,” Mr Archimalakas, told Greek state radio today.

The United States, which is set to default on it’s China loans by next Tuesday, needs about $3 trillion to see it through August.

Speaking from the state department, House Speaker John Boner said: “I know what they said about being careful about Greeks bearing gifts, but shit, we’ll accept anything at the moment.”

The Greeks have thus agreed to send a few crates of olive oil, some donkeys from Crete and a bucketful of Ouzo.

“We feel that this should help the Americans, you know, like their bankers and credit agencies helped us,” Mr Archimalakas said, before spitting into the bucket just before the aid consignment was put on a plane bound for Washington.

Why Default Will Be Good For America

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Professor Dean Finklestein, a leading economist at the Policy Research Institute think tank based in Washington DC, who has studied U.S. debt over a forty year period, claims that America needs to default so that they can clean the slate and start back over again.

“Clean slate”

“When we default, that means we can’t pay any more cash to anyone because we’re frickin’ bust. It’s pretty simple really. This way we go back to square one and start over. No one will be the wiser. Hell, we can even print more money and start spending recklessly once again. Obamacare cost America $13 trillion since its inception and is set to cost even more when it starts to materialise. When we default, Obama can start on his other pet project, giving amnesty to the millions of illegal immigrants already within our borders. Once that happens, say adios Americanos gringos because every wetback the other side of the Rio Grande will want in. Y’all can be sure of that,” the professor said, at a recent Institute meeting before being shot in the kneecap by a Mexican drug dealer.

“It’s all over, folks”

It’s not just America’s hierarchy that is defying the debtors, ordinary Americans are defiant with regards to wanting the country to default, and are adamant that a major U.S. default would be a great benefit to the economy. A recent poll qualified the fact, and revealed that 85% of Americans wanted a default, however when asked whether they knew what a default was, 94% said they had no idea, it just sounded good.

“By defaulting on the money owed to China, the U.S. will effectively wipe the slate clean and get away with having to pay the Chinese the trillions of owed dollars of their money. The Chinese have been funding Obama’s spending spree for the past two and a half years and let’s not forget prior to that old Georgie boy and his warmongers. By defaulting, we might even take China down with us too. They’re getting way too big for their boots anyway. We ain’t going to pay those Chins one dime, it’s time they went back to their piss hole country and sell their useless plastic trinkets to someone else,” a Republican Tea Party member in Boston told Reuters news agency.

Chancellor: "If You Don't Want to Pay Extra Pension Contributions Die Earlier"

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“If you can’t afford to pay an extra £3000 from your gold-plated £120,000 salary as a useless cog in the red-taped bureaucratic waste bin of government, then simply die earlier. It’s really quite easy,” Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne told the BBC.

Public sector workers are now being frogmarched into union offices and ordered to strike.

The Treasury, however, is bringing in new guidelines that will guide public sector workers who are so well funded by the taxpayer, to stop taking so long to die.

“You’ve got two choices, pay extra money to keep your hugely generous pension or jump off a cliff. The choice is yours you ungrateful fuckers,” Mr Osborne announced.

An angry Newham Council Bread Bin Inspector, who makes £87,000 per annum for his three day a week flexi-time job, voiced his anger from his holiday villa in Tuscany: “This is outrageous. Where am I going to holiday next year? I’d rather die than holiday anywhere else. Right, to arms comrades, we must strike these Tory bastards.”

Looks like there will be another effete protest in central London soon.