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Christmas Flash Mob Rob Shopping Season Starts Early in America

Murdy Davros
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Christmas Flash Mob Rob Shopping Season Starts Early in America

If you’re in the stock market, you will have reaped the many benefits of the Federal Reserve’s QE programs printing over $80 billion per month.

“My stock portfolio just keeps going up and up. I have made so much money that I do not know what to do with it,” a banker working for Goldman Sachs revealed to the Financial Times.

Christmas shopping season has also come early for those not tied to anything as crass and vulgar as handing over money to shops when taking goods.

Obama’s Children

Millions of young people see what the others have and naturally want some of that too.

“We can go into any shop we want, take anything we want, then leave. Don’t have to pay a dime for it all. The police usually come after and by that time we cleaned the shop out,” an anonymous hooded individual told CBS news.

All over America the frenzied flash mob rob shopping season is quickening its pace. What used to be a once daily flash robbery occurrence is now nearly 24 hours of the day with young people taking racks and racks of goods from the shelves.

“We’re keeping the economy going. We come and clean up all the goods and walk out without paying, and the shop owners have to re-stock. That is good for the economy because they have to keep paying and paying their suppliers,” another young person revealed.

The French Surrender to S&P

Murdy Davros
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The French Surrender to S&P

“Mes amis, we did not fight again. Instead we did the usual trick, you know lay down, stick our legs in the air and carry on eating our delicious cuisine. You see these Américains, they are in worse shape than us really, but they think they can rate us? Zut, where is Napoleon when you need him? I suppose les Américains saved us from le Jerry in WW2 on Omaha beach or something like that. Our detractors may say we surrendered, au contraire, we have not surrendered we are still AA, not AA+,” French Finance Minister, Jean Halitose, told Le Figaro today.

French Premier, Francois Hollande was not phased about the recent downgrading as he was too busy increasing le tax just a little bit more.

Did NSA Spy on Santa?

Murdy Davros
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Did NSA Spy on Santa?

Billions of children around the world were said to be very upset today as news agencies reported the odious goings on by the NSA.

Speaking from the North Pole, chief elf, Dingbat Ringworm had some words to say about the sordid situation.

Angry Elves

“When I logged onto the mainframe to adjust some Christmas present lists, my cursor suddenly started to move of its own accord. Then I got an email from someone called Eddy Snowden, he said the feds had been spying on Santa. Not only that, the Christmas lists were then sold to some guy called Zucky, or Zucker. Now that dude sold the lists to marketers and ad agencies so the shit is absolutely everywhere now. Let’s just say when Santa heard about it all his beard nearly spontaneously combusted. Never seen the guy that angry since Frizwald dropped a load of Xmas prezzies last year when loading the sleigh.”

No More Windows 97?

Because of the database invasion, Santa has now ordered all his elves to write the Christmas present lists on paper. This means Christmas could be delayed by three whole weeks because of the mammoth task at hand for his little helpers.

“It looks like we have to go back to the bad old days huh. I don’t even know if we have enough paper to write it all up. Thank you NSA, You just made our lives a lot harder,” another disgruntled elf told the Elven Times.

Britain Ready to Accept Cream of the Crop

Murdy Davros
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Britain Ready to Accept Cream of the Crop

Excited and eager Britons are going to enjoy doling out some British hospitality to the millions of poor former Soviet bloc citizens from some of the most destitute EU areas in the early part of 2014.

With the NHS and schools already straining to support the mass open-door immigration policy under the previous Labour government, the next influx dictated by Brussels is estimated to be over 8-12 million people looking for benefits, free schools and free medical treatment in 2014.

Cream of the Crop

“Even though the mass influx of the poorest, most uneducated people will ensure the complete destruction of the NHS and benefits system, I welcome them to Britain so they can breed and breed and breed. We don’t need educated people coming here like doctors, lawyers and other professionals, we need goat herders, pickpockets, criminals and professional benefits cheats. Why should we adopt a system like Australia and New Zealand where one must have a profession and job lined up, as well as an ability to sustain one’s self financially? No, that is too logical, because we’re a tiny island with limited space and resources we must accept half the Third World and the poorest elements of the EU in so they can take all the benefits and increase crime, all of course because Brussels says we should,” Tony Alpine, a happy worker from the City told the Daily Mail.

Another eager Brit also explained his joy at receiving millions more poor, uneducated immigrants into the tiny British Isles: “It’s the done thing to do innit. We’re Brits. You know we don’t say anything. When they take all our medical treatment, take over our schools and destroy our benefits system, those who still have jobs in the UK must work harder to pay for it all. Stiff upper lip and all. Just think, out of every ten quid you make, eight pounds fifty will go to the tax man to pay for the immigration benefits and eco taxes. Oh, don’t forget the fuel duty as well, every pound you spend at the pumps, eighty nine pence of that is tax. It’s all going towards daily payments to Brussels and immigration. I love it and I’m going to work really hard at my job so that I get nothing back. Thank you. I am so happy now,” Norman Price, an accountant who earns over £70,000 a year told the BBC.

All Emails to be Made Fully Public

Murdy Davros
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0
All Emails to be Made Fully Public

Dan Ainsley, controller for email systems running through the global central processing unit has been given the task of publishing every private email sent by users since the year 2000.

“This is a great moment in public private transparency and has been speeded up thankfully by the NSA scandal a few months ago. We basically have all the information from email users anyway so it is in the public interest that their private emails are published,” Mr Ainsley told a public records hearing yesterday.

All internet companies have been directed to comply with the new directive and are keen to go ahead with the project, purely on the basis that advertising revenue will explode when the emails are made public.

“President Obama called me up yesterday and he congratulated me on the new project. He said it is in the best interests that all privacy is removed from individuals across the globe and will bring humanity together once and for all,” Ainsley added.

The private to public switch will happen in August 2014, and will encompass all emails up to the year 2000. Each person’s name and identity will be marked on the emails even if they changed internet companies during the period up to present. The massive database, hosted at NSA headquarters will be fully searchable for anyone in the world.

“This is a great idea. I lost some of my emails from 2006 so I can locate them now. Wow, why didn’t anyone think about this before?” Skylar Rambone, 32, an office worker from New Jersey told ABC news.

Think Tank: Britain Needs Its Own European Union

Murdy Davros
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Think Tank: Britain Needs Its Own European Union

Is Britain in or out of the EU? Former German Chancellor Gerhard Schröder seems to think that cutting Britain loose from the Communo-fascist EU bloc would be a good thing. A prominent British think tank seems to think along the same lines as the unelected EU technocrats.

“Full assimilation of the EU in a non-democratic fascistic pseudo-communist state is being held back by Britain. There are many variables to the current malaise in Brussels over the stalwart British resolve to keep away from an entity that strips nations of sovereignty and financial freedom. Therefore, if the EU, controlled from Brussels and powered by Germany, will not stop meddling with Britain’s financial hegemony it is a viable alternative to create a new EU controlled from London, England. This would be the true European Union as Britain is at the centre and top of the world in finance, although not technically located on the European mainland, it is central to complete global unity,” Jason Argo, one of the geo-policy architects in the think tank told the BBC.

Naturally upon hearing of the proposals made by the British EU policy think tank, unelected EU officials in Brussels were up in arms steadfastly rejecting any thought of Britain ruling over them.

The European Union is at a crossroads and judging by the daily propaganda blasted out in Britain by the controlled press, they are desperate to brainwash the pliant British public in to throwing away their British sovereignty further by embracing complete EU integration.

“Once Britain is fully integrated into the EU black hole that’s it for them. They are a defeated nation. We have already flooded their borders with EU citizens and completely changed their country, it is only a matter of time before their weak politicians, like that lap dog Cameron force the British to accept defeat once and for all. We will not need one single Panzer or Blitzkrieg for our victory,” Mr. Schröder barked at a recent EU meeting.

Twitter IPO Billionaire Just Wants to Buy Bird Feed

Murdy Davros
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Twitter IPO Billionaire Just Wants to Buy Bird Feed

Speaking from a park in down town San Francisco the new Twitter IPO  billionaire was anxious to buy as much bird seed as he could.

“Can you imagine the amount of bird feed I could get? We can get bucket loads of it and feed all the birds in the world. No bird will ever go hungry again. I want to give something back to the birds, hell if it wasn’t for a little tweety bird, I would never have made all this money.”

There is only one minor drawback to overfeeding all those birds, and that’s the corrosive white stuff ejaculated out of their bird bottoms all over the place.

City officials are weary about the billion dollar bird feeding scheme proposed by the Twitter billionaire.

“We have enough crap over the streets anyway, we certainly don’t want any more in the way of bird poop. That many birds would make our cities into a white bird poop soup,” Dana Claritas, a city street maintenance official told the Frisky Echo newspaper.

Voodoo Priest Brought In to Fix Obamacare Website

Murdy Davros
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Voodoo Priest Brought In to Fix Obamacare Website

Forget about Java or PHP, the new Obamacare website fixer is using chickens and a special powder that is guaranteed to make the website run correctly.

“President Obama uses this guy a lot. Like he used him for the stock market, and the two election wins. We got a plastic sheet in the oval office spread out so the blood don’t stain the carpet. Obama is at a loss on how this damn website is gonna get fixed. We tried the Google tech boys but they’re too busy on those barges eating profiteroles in the hospitality lounges or sitting on fancy coloured weird shaped sofas to care about Obamacare,” White House spokesman, Harvey Jenkem, told ABC news.

Millions of Americans have been trying to log onto the site to get some much needed Obamacare for over two months, and hopefully the voodoo priest will call on the spirits to open the doors soon.

“Shit, it’s gonna take more than magic to get me some health care. All the doctors in my area have left the profession or retired. I now have to travel 500 miles to get some f*ckin’ treatment at an increased cost of over 300%,” a disgruntled retired fire man told local CBS news stations in Delaware.

Thousands of Obama zombies across the nation, on hearing about the wonderful Obamacare news, started chanting Obama’s name and walking the streets with their hands outstretched, nothing new about that of course.

Man on Deathbed Wishes He Spent More Time on Facebook

Murdy Davros
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0
Man on Deathbed Wishes He Spent More Time on Facebook

People have many regrets and when the time comes to check out from this world, some regrets hurt more than others.

Forget about canoeing up the Amazon river, or traversing the Kalahari desert, skydiving over Baja or enjoying a relaxing cocktail on the tree tops hotel in Kenya. Millions of people worldwide reveal their life regrets as the time they spent on social networking sites.

People like Joel Wisehammer who was profoundly saddened that he did not spend more time on Facebook aimlessly wiling away the hours talking about nothing much in particular.

Look at the meal I had today, here is a photo of said meal, look at the drink I drank today, yes I had two cups, look at the day time TV show I watched today, do you want to be friends with me?

Coulson and Brooks Pictured On Honeymoon

Murdy Davros
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0
Coulson and Brooks Pictured On Honeymoon

Newly weds Andy and Rebekah Coulson, were promptly whisked away today from the Old Bailey after an opulent wedding in the dock.

Their honeymoon destination was a heavily guarded secret, but the prison van was seen heading towards Wormwood Scrubs prison where the happy couple will spend their honeymoon in separate cells at Her Majesty’s Pleasure.

The Bride and Groom left their wedding venue covered in blankets, however the couples’ former employees, a gaggle of Sun reporters  waiting at the exit were still able to quiz them on their joyous day.

“I can’t wait to spend the next six years of married life behind bars hacking away. This time I’ll be trying to hack  at the wall to break out as opposed to hacking celebrity phones,” former Sun editor, Andy Coulson was quoted by the tabloid.

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