It’s never easy is it, especially when you’re given the stark choice of feeding yourself or heating yourself in the sub zero dank temperatures that are sure to cause many deaths amongst the elderly and vulnerable population of Britain this winter? It certainly does not have to break the bank to get some warmth during the winter months.

Let the Daily Squib warm the cockles of your heart with these 10 great cheap tips for getting some warmth this winter.

10 Tips For Keeping Warm Cheaply This Winter

1)  Why not stow away on a boat to Guatemala? Don’t forget to take some mosquito repellent and a machete to fend off the armed and dangerous bandits roaming everywhere once you get there.

2) Mogadishu, Somalia, may be lawless but at least it’s f*cking warm. Don’t forget to take an AK-47.

3) Australia is so hot that you will actually forget Britain ever existed, that is if you can put up with the whinging Aussies and the Great White sharks chomping on your tiddlies.

4) Go to Thailand. You can live like a king for 5 quid a day and enjoy some very colourful nights out.

5) Snuggle up in the Sahara desert. It’s certainly not like a dark freezing night in a Bermondsey council flat with no food or heating. Don’t forget to take some water with you and a jacket for the even more freezing desert nights.

6) Enjoy the sights and sounds of the Papua New Guinean jungles. Be sure to have a pistol with you at all times to ward off the cannibals.

7) Another great warm destination is Colombia. Not only will you have plenty of sunshine but the local produce is amazing, especially when sniffed.

8) How about some Caribbean sunshine to warm the soul? Haiti is hot all year round, that is if you can manage the earthquakes, cut-throat gangs and mad voodoo priests. Why not give it a go? You may never come back.

9) Cuba is cheap and sunny. If you’re up for eating octopus all day long and being arrested by the commie secret police for being a foreign spy, it’s a small price to pay for some sunshine.

10) Nothing beats the freezing British winter than a stay on Mount Merapi on the Indonesian island of Java. The smouldering volcano erupts once in awhile with lovely bilious spurts of scorching lava and as long as you’re not directly next to the stuff, you can harness some of the warmth. Beats the freezing weather back in Blighty any day.

Project leader Sanjit Gupta extolled the virtues of the vastly expensive Mars sanitation expedition.

“Over a third of the Indian population do not have running water, live in shacks under conditions of extreme poverty and hopelessness, so this is why we spent over $75 million on the project. Better to give the Martians running water than our own people.”

The spacecraft is set to travel for 300 days, reaching Mars orbit in 2014 where it will land and plant the first functioning toilet system in Martian history on the planet’s surface.

The twin engine rocket will be powered by a dedicated team of slum children who will then be jettisoned out into space prior to the rocket landing on the Martian surface.

“We are very proud of our achievement. Now please excuse me while I go out and give our rocket peddlers a few morsels to eat, they haven’t eaten in weeks and will need all the energy they can get,” Mr Gupta said.