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David Cameron: “I’ve Just Started Reading the Daily Squib”

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“I got back and I started blabbing on about there being another economic crash. Then one of my aides told me I should read the Daily Squib newspaper as they have been accurately predicting the exact things I’m saying now. Gorr blimey, I read through some of that and it sort of made me wake up a little. I don’t like what they say about me though, even so, I just can’t help being a fan, it’s spondeliciously entertaining satire with an edge of extreme dark truth,” the PM, David Cameron, told the BBC on Monday.

It’s not news that Prince Charles is also a fan of the Squib, as well as Harry, and lest we forget old Boris, who even attended the Squib’s inaugural party on April Fool’s day, 2007.

Prince Charles himself is a dab hand at a bit of spoofery and satire, as memorably displayed in this rather jocular video of some royal lampoonery. Camilla was not present at the time.

Man Cries For Being a Man

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“This is a crime against humanity. It does not matter that I’m a genius who engineered the landing of a craft on a comet and no woman could achieve such a feat. I am a man and for that I am truly sorry,” the man sobbed into a tissue, whilst being filmed.

Next week, Kim Kardashian’s celebrated naked buttocks will personally land on the moon.

Biden: “I Dare You to Impeach Obama”

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“You think Obamo’s done some damage. Wait until I get on the scene, I don’t even know what day it is today, hell, I don’t even know my name,” vice president, Joe Biden told ABC news.

As the calls for impeachment of the current president rise daily, the feeling is that whatever happens, the US is on a boat with no paddle, no rudder and no plugs for the shit that’s flooding the boat.

“Let’s look at it this way, impeaching this good for nothing dog won’t achieve anything because then we get Biden, the biggest loser this side of Kansas city in the White House. The only positive I can see is that Biden might get things to quieten down a little, we still got two years of this shit left. Worst case scenario, Biden starts a nuclear war, but Obama’s already doing that right now by coercing the Russians. Okay, here’s the deal, I say we impeach Obama, then get Biden in, shut him up in congress, then when the election comes around the country votes Republican. Has Biden done anything in six years? Exactly! The only reason Obama wants to get 5 million illegals legit is because they’ll vote Democrat. He couldn’t care one chicken bucket if they live or die, he’s doing this for the Democrat 2016 elections,” an unnamed source from Capitol Hill revealed Friday.

Kim Kardashian Joins Hottentot Tribe in South Africa

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The tribe, who were named Hottentots by the white settlers, were first discovered by Peron and Lesser in 1804, who uncovered the joys of big ass women. Especially celebrated with the image of the Hottentot Venus. (Image censored by order of Google)

“Some of these women have fantastic hypertrophy buttocks 2m in diameter. This is an incredible place, can you imagine if some women adopted this type of buttock embellishment in civilisation? I just can’t stop looking at them, I, I ….” the diary of one of the explorers then trails off into incoherent gibberish.

The Kardashian entourage will congregate at the Mkposu river in late July where Kim Kardashian’s ass will be weighed, measured and painted for a special inauguration ceremony lasting four days. When she is accepted in the tribe, she will be given two huts, one for each buttock, and a ceremonial peacock feather will be placed in her ass crack.

“Kim will then have to walk around the village four times in total holding the peacock feather in between her butt crack, if it falls at any time or droops, this is a bad omen for the tribe and a great taboo. She has to be very careful to walk steadily, and must not drag her vast buttocks on the ground at any time. During this period, gangs of male warriors will dance around her buttocks gesturing for them to grow even more. Her husband will be forced to stay in his own mud hut and watch the ancient ceremony taking place. Only afterwards, will he be allowed to join her,” Khoikhoi tribeswoman, Gousu Gousu told the National Geographic.

The censored image (above) used to depict a harmless 19th Century illustrative non-sexually gratifying scientific anthropological study of a Hottentot Khoikhoi tribal woman until it was censored by order of Google.

The illustration was exhibited at the City of Westminster Archive Center, London/Bridgeman Art Library in 2007

Forex Banker Rigged Own Pay Packet

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“He not only rigged the Forex markets but rigged his own bonus package and pay. We rewarded this trader with an even larger bonus because he showed serious initiative. Regulators were told to shut the fuck up and paid off,” Miles Andrew, head of foreign exchange trading at AMRO bank told newspapers.

There have been calls for bankers to have their bonuses regulated, but these were rigged as well, and regulators were simply given a big pay off to keep the matter quiet.

“Free money, and you can bet your bottom dollar that I make more in five minutes than you make in a whole year. Now piss off you insignificant barnacle,” a trader on the floor said when questioned about the practice of rigging the markets.

David Miliband Seen at Heathrow

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Ed Miliband’s long lost brother, David, was seen at Heathrow airport today.

“I just thought I’d fly back to Blighty for awhile, nothing special, exile in America is rather cumbersome, and to tell you the truth boring. I’m certainly not back because the knives are out for Ed, I’ve got a few knives still stuck in my back but that’s another story,” David Miliband told a waiting reporter on Thursday.

Naturally, Dave’s brother, Ed, was nowhere to be seen at the arrivals terminal

Healthcare: Why Silencing Ebola Spread is Not Dangerous

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The silence on Ebola is deafening, and there may be a danger to this silence some might say, however health care officials think the virus is better out of sight, out of mind.

“The media have been told by agencies to hush any news about Ebola. You may have noticed a deafening silence, although the Ebola is still ravaging Western Africa and flights are still carrying infected people across the globe. It’s now a silent spread with zero reporting. Please do not worry about anything, because if the media does not mention this deadly virus, that means it is gone, vamoose, outta here,” Dr. Bill Edwards, a consultant for the U.S. Department of Infectious Diseases didn’t tell any news outlets yesterday.

Everything’s okay then, Ebola has been eradicated completely. Nothing to see here folks, move away.

Experts: Change is Going to be Slightly Painful For Population

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Whenever politicians cite ‘change’ there is always an ominous side to their proposal, and experts at the Institute of Population Control, an independent non-governmental organisation, have outlined some of the problems that may occur when this ‘change’ is enabled on populations.

“Politicians may use certain words to describe their policy ideas, for example ‘austerity’ means redistribution of wealth from the poor to the rich thus the term really means ‘poverty’. As for the term ‘change’, this has multiple meanings but is close to the word ‘destruction’. For any ‘change’ to occur first one must have destruction of the prior system, and this is where the problems arise for the populations who are only accustomed to the prior system. Another term that is widely used but misinterpreted is ‘climate change’, which is simply a term describing the problem of over-population. If climate change is mentioned, it means quite simply, that populations have extended their usefulness and have to be reduced, of course for the good of the planet.

“Change is thus a term used by politicians as a euphemism for destruction, whenever you hear those words, be prepared because they may smile when they say it, but their words mean a totally different action. The 21st century, has been named as the century of change, and even though we are in the early stages of the century, there will be more to come, on an almost infinite escalating scale. In 2001, the young century certainly started with a bang, with 911, a spectacular symbolic gesture of ‘change’. Current, U.S. president, Barack Obama is also a stout proponent of change, and his destructive powers have been put to full effect over the course of his tenure.

“Technology will move from outside the body and be placed within. Humans will not be able to make transactions without specific technological entities implanted in their bodies. The merging of humans with machines is an inevitable evolutionary step, and those who fight this all important change, will be left behind, they will not be able to feed themselves or find employment. Artificial intelligence will reach increasingly dizzying heights as humans are left behind, and this jump in machine intelligence will also be a key factor in assimilation with man and machine, for to not do so, will mean certain destruction by the machine.

“Naturally, there will be discontent and rioting, however the superior military and technological strength of the state will put ‘change’ into place one way or another. Civil disobedience within movements of change are an inevitable symptom, and the controlling factions positively welcome them, purely because it gives them an opportunity to mete out their pent up violence as well as test out stratagems of population control.”

Virus that ‘Makes Humans More Stupid’ Discovered

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The Reality Television virus, never before observed in healthy people, was found to affect cognitive functions including visual processing and spatial awareness.

Scientists at Rupert Hodgkins Medical School and the University of South Carolina stumbled upon the discovery when they were undertaking an unrelated study on Reality TV.

Surprisingly, the researchers found that watching reality TV shows turns you into a vegetable or alternatively a moronic imbecile with an intelligence level lower than a stone.

Dr Mulrone Yokem, a virologist who led the original study, said: “This is a striking example showing that the ‘innocuous’ reality of the reality TV glut has irreparably adjusted human existence for eternity destroying its capabilities for intelligent thought.

“Watching any shows with the likes of Simon Cowell or any other similar reality program will devolve your brain to the level of an amoeba. You’ll be so fucking stupid afterwards that your brain will literally ooze out of your ears. We named the virus after Simon Cowell himself, who is a very important phenomenon in the reality tv world, it’s called C-NTU”

Of the 90 participants in the study, 40 tested positive for the reality TV virus. Those who tested positive performed worse on tests designed to measure the speed and accuracy of visual processing. They also achieved lower scores in tasks designed to measure attention.

The findings of this research show that mainly stupid people are attracted to reality television, but the funniest part of the research reveals that these stupid people get even more stupid after watching these shows they are so attracted to.

A source from a production company from one of these reality shows revealed: “We want people to be comatose. That’s our plan, the more stupid people get, the better. Keep watching, and do not bother thinking you insignificant toads, get more stupid, do not think, do not awaken, you must spend more money on us, keep watching, you’re lower than the dirt on my shoe.”

The study’s findings were published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

Fate of Caliphate Not Known Yet

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“The caliphate monster we created got too big so we had to bomb it. Don’t mess with the empire. We got cameras everywhere, listening devices, satellite cams that can see the sweetcorn up your ass from space, and drones that can release killer missiles from anywhere in the world. You Caliphate pussies wanna mess with that? Thought not,” a CIA operative on the ground told CNN.

No doubt, there are thousands of waiting Caliphs behind the scenes if Al Baghdadi has eaten the big Jihad in the sky.

As the DS mentioned months ago, any form of resistance is always futile when you do not have air superiority. Jihadis are just sitting ducks wherever they go, but they’re still living in the 15th century so how would they know about flying machines?