17.7 C
London
Monday, December 29, 2025
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 539

Blabbing Special Ops Guy Likes to Talk

0

“Yeah, I’m a special ops soldier, and I talk about stuff to everyone, including the press. I just can’t stop talking, and talking, and talking. You want to know anything that’s secret, I’ll talk about it in bars, in Walmart, in restaurants, hell I love talking so much I talk to anyone who wants to hear? I hope they ain’t agents from another country or something huh?” U.S. Navy Seal, Bill bin Tawkin, told all news outlets around the world yesterday.

It’s a good thing this Navy Seal is not behind lines in some North Korean bunker being interrogated about state secrets and key operational procedures.

The West: No We’re Not Destroying the Russian Economy, We’re Just Lowering Oil Prices

1

One rouble at a time, it falls and falls, causing mayhem in the Russian exchanges. The West is adamant that its policy of lowering the global oil price is nothing to do with Russia.

“Nah, are you kidding? We’re engineering a lower global crude oil price because we want more motorists to have the feel good factor, it’s nothing to do with destroying the Russian economy,” Secretary of State, John Kerry told the Wall Street Journal.

As the tanks roll into Ukraine from Russia, it is the West’s pervasive action of provocation which is slowly bringing the world to the brink of war.

Comrade Miliband: “Nothing Will Get in Way of 5-Year-Plan”

1

 

 

 

(Speaking at the Labour Party Head Quarters in London, Comrade Miliband’s appearance in the rostrum was greeted by  party members with loud cheers lasting several minutes. The entire assembled inner party rose to its feet to greet Comrade Miliband. There were continuous cries of “Cheers for great Miliband!” “Long live great Miliband, Hurrah!” “Cheers for our beloved Miliband!”)

 Comrade Miliband:

Comrades!

I have heard news from my spies there have been some odious malcontents within the party who are not happy with my leadership. I say to them, you are finished. They were removed from their posts this morning and escorted to the farthest point from our head quarters, two roads down, on the left past the McDonalds and WHSmiths. We will not see them again because they were not worthy of my 5-year-plan, they did not have the commitment or the peoples interest at heart. Not like you my fellow Soviet heroes.

Comrades, I say to you, are you ready for the fight? Are you ready to unite the people once again as Comrade Brown so boldly managed in the past? Then let us move forward to smash the capitalist scum and their corrupt system of bourgeois-democratic liberties. Let us beat their heads upon the unstable capitalist system that profits off crisis and catastrophic wars.

I will implement a full British Soviet social system which will be a genuine people’s system, it will grow up from the ranks of the people and enjoy powerful support; so that the British Soviet social system is fully viable and stable form of organization of society.

Our revolution is near Comrades, and I would also like this opportunity to introduce Commissar Brand, who will be in charge of all revolutionary matters on the streets and champagne filled celebrity soirées.

You all already know Commissar Balls, he will be in charge of the Peoples Bank, as well as rations for the proletariat.

My eternal 5-year-plan will never be thwarted, not by traitors, capitalists, lickspittle bourgeois charlatans or my brother in exile.

In conclusion, permit me to express my thanks for the confidence which you have shown me (loud and prolonged applause. A voice: “Cheers for the great leader of all our victories, Comrade Miliband! “) by nominating me as a candidate for the Supreme Soviet Britain. You need have no doubt that I will do my best to justify your confidence. (All rise. Loud and prolonged applause rising to an ovation. Voices in different parts of the Labour Head Quarters: “Long live great Miliband, Hurrah!” “Cheers for the great leader of the peoples!” “Glory to great Miliband!” “Long live Comrade Miliband, the candidate of the entire people!” “Glory to the creator of all our victories, Comrade Miliband! “)

Obola Quarantined, But For How Long?

1

 

“We have the Obola virus under strict quarantine and it is up to GOP officials to keep this highly contagious strain of virus under watchful eyes. Please remember to shut your eyes and ears if you encounter Obola on any media, especially where Obola flourishes in depositories like MSNBC,” a CDC official told networks today.

There are still extreme dangers around everywhere for the public, and Obola can make a resurgence infecting even more people, wreaking havoc amongst the populations, so stay vigilant and on your guard.

Thank you for reading this, this was not a public service announcement but if you wish to show your appreciation for helping the public with important information that can save your life, please bookmark this site to check for more crucial updates at later dates.

Experts: Could Obama Adopt Gordon Brown Style Scorched Earth Policy?

0

Former British PM, Gordon Brown does hold some similarities to current US president Barack Obama, although Gordon Brown was not technically voted into office because he shoehorned himself into the job after an internal coup against Labour PM, Tony Blair, there are similarities in their ruling style.

Both Obama and Brown hold severe Marxist views and this political doctrine always falls foul of a nation’s economy, chiefly because socialism utilises other people’s money for an unlimited welfare dream, however, what happens when that money runs out? Obama and Brown knew their policies were unsustainable and yet they continued to push forward their policy of spend and forget.

It’s not only their preponderance to spend vast amounts of taxpayer cash on welfare, but the useless socialist projects and cronyistic spending that eat up the limited budget.

Just as Brown became prime minister out of nowhere, so too did Obama become president, a man with literally no past, multiple social security records and a questionable birth certificate. They were seemingly implanted out of nowhere by invisible hands.

Help always comes too late, there are of course those in government who see what is going on and want to stop it, but are powerless.

In Britain, an emergency coalition government had to be formed after the disaster of the Brown years was ended thanks to an actual election.

In America, the Democrats have lost power in Congress, leaving Obama flailing around in the dark with little or no power. His only option now is to adopt the scorched earth policy that Gordon Brown adopted nearly a year before he was ousted from power.

Obama will probably use various techniques to bring America to a complete impasse, politically and economically, maybe even racially.

If the Republicans win the general election in 2016, will they want the country back after Obama’s vindictive scorched earth policy? America will need a miracle to survive the next two years, a nation split in two in more ways than one.

One thing is for certain, just as Brown despised the people, Obama feels a deep resentment towards the American people and when that happens, there is always friction. If you pull the elastic band too far at once, eventually it has to snap back, and America’s midterm elections were a relative reaction to six years of Obama abuse.

Scorched earth policies usually work as reactions to reins of power being pulled in, they have to be subtle but effective, and Obama, the enlightened one, will blame the un-enlightened for their own demise.

The Republicans will not be able to stop president Obama in reaching his goal, it was too little too late, the cackling from the likes of O’Reilly and Beck fall on deaf ears.

America could have had destruction the easy way or the hard way, looks like they voted for the latter.

Obama: “Ima Fly South For the Winter”

0

President Obama is ready for his next executive action, he’s going to fly south for the winter months.

“It getting too cold up here, I need some sunshine on my wings, catch a few rays, play some golf, besides, I heard these rednecks be going duck hunting, Ima head south where a duck can be free,” president Obama said from his nest.

Looks like Obama’s days in Washington are numbered, especially seeing as those pesky Republicans and their shotguns got hold of the Senate.

Never mind, there’s always a third term, when the martial law thing kicks in..

The EU: Why We Will Tighten the Screws Soon

0

“There are elements of numerous political systems meshed into one cohesive cloud that the EU hides behind. I say cloud, because the EU’s ideology is one of a dark black cloud where its technique is hidden from view, especially to citizens of nations this cloud hangs over. Yes, there are moments of lightning coming from the dirty foreboding cloud, but these bolts strike fear into dissenters, they disintegrate those who dare to question the cloud? So, what’s behind the cloud? Well, there is no sun, there are no clear skies, there is just another cloud. This is why the EU cloud is so dangerous, it will only reveal its true totalitarian self once it encompasses as much as it can, when the walls have been stripped, when national sovereignty has been eviscerated, when all semblance of individuality has been amalgamated, there will be no escape, especially for the little man at the bottom of the pile,” an unelected EU technician, was overheard describing the EU to a Brussels state reporter on Tuesday.

People don’t like to be free, they want the state to tell them what to do at each step of their lives, and the EU always answers their call.

“Resistance is futile, you will assimilate or we will destroy you. Your red poppies are meaningless, because those men who died in both world wars died for nothing, the UK was conquered economically, as the BMW Mini drives down your roads, and the diktats ring through your soon to be dissolved parliament, your country is now so integrated that to extract yourself is nigh on impossible. Your military is no match to the combined forces of the EU, you must accept defeat as the force is too strong, the dark bilious cloud extends over the cliffs of Dover now, fifteen years of unlimited EU migration are irreversible, this technique alone has destroyed your indigenous population who are now scattered, mixed up, and confused. Accept your fate Britain, you are now part of us, it is already too late, you cannot close your borders, we are already here, you must relax, let go, there is no more fight, your stiff upper lip quivers, you dare not say anything else, your British sensibilities of polite deference and acceptance are your final death knell. The cloud is here to stay,” August Mengele, an EU Kommandant from Frankfurt said on a recent Newsnight EU special report.

Einstein’s Theory of Fuzzy Slippers Discovered

The head of Princeton’s science department, professor Dwaine D. McCormack, has discovered a previously unknown treasure found in an old shoe box in Albert Einstein’s old room at Princeton university.

“I was thumbing through some old things in the room, when I came across an old shoe box, it was covered in a thick layer of dust, possibly from 1937. This new find is truly astounding and will revolutionise astro-physics forever,” the professor revealed.

It may have been in 1905 that Albert Einstein determined that the laws of physics are the same for all non-accelerating observers, and that the speed of light in a vacuum was independent of the motion of all observers but he left out one key element, one which general or special relativity does not include — fuzzy relativity.

Einstein spent 23 years perfecting the theory of fuzzy relativity and his ultimate creation was a pair of fuzzy shoes to illustrate his theorem.

The fuzz of gravity

Two objects exert a force of attraction on one another known as “gravity” but “fuzzy gravity” exerts a force no equal to any sum of total gravitational pulls as a pair of fuzzy slippers on a man’s foot, therefore by wearing fuzzy slippers, the wearer transmutes the external force towards non-linear spatial planes simultaneously transforming into a multi-dimensional continuum known as space-fuzz-time.

The document in the shoe box also outlines theorems which could revolutionise how we view time as a whole, with fuzzy time, there is no speed of light in the universe, there is simply fuzzy vortex time, where time expands and contracts into nothingness whilst maintaining equilibrium within a linear fuzzy tesseract string.

“He got the ideas by simply wearing fuzzy slippers. The strands of hair on a fuzzy slipper are strings of time, alternate universes all expanding and contracting in infinite dimensions. The universe is all time minus no time, therefore the question is what is outside the universe? Einstein reveals that gravitational fuzzshift occurs and universes fold inside and outward of each other, like a folding onion with fuzzy strands. What is outside the universe and its many layers is actually inside the universe and could easily fit into a sub-atomic particle. I had to initially question this, because Einstein is saying that the whole universe can fit into something that tiny is insane, but after following the theory through I really saw what he was saying. We are truly amazed,” professor McCormack explained.

Einstein’s theory of fuzzy slippers exhibition will be held at Princeton university in June 2015.

Frau Merkel: “Nein, Nein, Nein!”

0

 

 

“Nein, nein, nein!” said the Iron Chancellor, as German newspapers ran with incendiary headlines like “Up Yours Cameronballs!”

Is there no end to the EU drama unfolding? Will history books be written about all this shit? Probably not, it’s just more posturing by David Cameron who is a keen dramatist with no substance.

“There’s nothing to see here folks, Cammo always does what he’s told, especially when the Iron Chancellor Merkel demands he falls in line even when he’s hamming it up to voters,” a disenchanted British voter told the BBC, before being cut off.

Celebrities Queueing Up For Virgin Galactic spacecraft Tours

1

Princess Beatrice can’t get enough of the Virgin Galactic spacecraft and has ordered seats not only for herself but ten other hangers on, the royal palace has revealed today.

Amongst other celebrities to reach for the stars will be TOWIE star, Gavin Carver, and X Factor superstars, Neil Dunse, Andrea Pisse, as well as Simon Cowell.

Tickets for the space flights cost a mere £250,000, and for that you will get delightful service as you float across the stars.

“It’s a once in a life time opportunity, like you do it once and once only,” a Virgin Galactic spokesperson said on Monday.