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General Election: Reviewing the Latest Political Pantomime

Arnold Jenks
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With the electorate seemingly in love with David Cameron and intent on upsetting the form book (the country’s online bookmakers did not all get it right), many are now scratching their heads and asking: what went wrong?

Having been roundly trounced in the polls, the Lib Dems, Labour and UKIP all waved a tearful (tears of joy?) goodbye to their leaders.

However, one did make a sheepish return less than 48 hours later. In fact, in between this leadership shuffle, a network of bookmakers rechecking their stats and a country in a state of disarray, there now seems to be an overriding feeling of “why” sweeping the country.

Of course, picking through the debris of a General Election is never easy. But we’ve decided to suckle on some bones and tease out the highs and lows which may have swung the votes for the main contenders.

Did Sandwichgate choke Ed Miliband’s chances? Did a Q&A gaffe leave Nigel Farage floundering? Or maybe it was the Green Party’s satirical song lyrics that won them a few sneaky votes?

The 2015 General Election was as entertaining as it was baffling. So, sit back and enjoy our pick of the most enjoyable moments from the latest political pantomime.

Lindsay Lohan Joins Paris Hilton in Islam

Arnold Jenks
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Lindsay Lohan Joins Paris Hilton in Islam

The previously troubled Hollywood starlet, Lindsay Lohan has found solace in Islam much like former socialite Paris Hilton did in 2011.

“I found a profound peace in the Muslim religion because it offers calmness and discipline to the chaos and profound evil of Hollywood. I have sinned, but I found the light of Islam gave me true universal understanding and dignity,” Lohan told reporters outside her home on Tuesday.

Islamic writings and scriptures are travelling through Hollywood-land like wildfire, and many celebrities are converting to a religion which is misunderstood and maligned by the Western mainstream media.

“The Koran is a very powerful book, it invokes elements of universality that other books do not. There is no false idol worship. It is a way of life, and people are dying for it in the Middle East today. You can bomb those people all you want, but you cannot bomb a belief system that is so all-encompassing that it is indestructible. What they are fighting for in the Middle East now is their right to exist as Muslims and they are fighting against what they perceive as the evil that is trying to pollute the world,” one of Lohan’s friends told CBS.

Scotland: Tories Scrapping HS2 Instead Opting For Hadrian’s Wall 2 (HW2)

Arnold Jenks
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0
Scotland: Tories Scrapping HS2 Instead Opting For Hadrian’s Wall 2 (HW2)

 

“Why spend billions on a useless fucking rail link that will carve up the countryside and be of little benefit to the populace, when we have a much more urgent problem to deal with — the Scots.

“Our plan is to scrap the HS2 rail link and channel the money into building a 400 foot high wall separating Scotland from England. Much like the Romans did 1,500 odd years ago, however this time the walls will be guarded by automated gun turrets and electric shock deterrents,” Henry Davenplatter, head engineer for the HW2 project told parliament today.

SNP leader, Nicola Sturgeon today released a communique via a raid on some English villages along the border.

“We will burn your homes down. No HW2 project can stop us. The Romans were a bunch of toga wearing ponces, what chance do ye Southern bastards have?”

Back to Parliament For Speaker

Arnold Jenks
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0
Back to Parliament For Speaker

 

The Serjeant at Arms and the Trainbearer were repeatedly interrupted by a sobbing sound but continued the procession despite the disruption.

The procession crossed the Prince’s Chamber before the incessant sobbing got louder and louder eventually rising to a crescendo of desperate wailing.

When the police inspector yelled ‘Hats off strangers!’ crutches were thrown across the path of the Speaker hitting the Black Rod on the head with an almighty crash.

The woman was led away immediately after the procession and interred in a police van, never to be seen again.

Pulling Out Too Fast of EU Referendum Would be Premature Says PM

Arnold Jenks
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1
Pulling Out Too Fast of EU Referendum Would be Premature Says PM

Prime Minister David Cameron, is appealing to eurosceptics within the Conservative party: “I would like to reiterate the point that it would be in Britain’s interests to stay in the EU, purely on an economic basis. If we pull out too early, there would be an almighty mess and it would be a premature splurge. I have agreed on an In-Out EU referendum, and a bit of In-Out is okay in my book, we must pump the EU for as many reforms as we can, that is if that Junckers Stuka cockblocker does not get in the way of our toing and froing. Legs akimbo, the EU wants full entry for the UK, but releasing all our stuff over its leg won’t do either, we must penetrate deep and change things to suit our interests, not theirs.”

Chukobama: Labour’s Ticket to Election Success in 10/15 Years Time

Arnold Jenks
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0
Chukobama: Labour’s Ticket to Election Success in 10/15 Years Time

 

Enter Chuka Umanna (Chukobama), someone who is dedicated to taking the reins of the Labour party and steer it to success in about 10 or 15 years time.

“Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek,” Chuka said on the Andrew Marr show yesterday.

In other words, more of the same bollocks.

ELECTION Update: “Here Bro You Can Have This Back”

Arnold Jenks
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0
ELECTION Update: “Here Bro You Can Have This Back”

This is certainly no time to gloat over the destruction meted out by the electorate on the dismal failure of an Ed Miliband led Labour party for the general election 2015, but on second thoughts why not?  The cards were already dealt a long time ago, and Ed’s misery is only compounded by his resignation today. It was just a case of relying on the Daily Squib’s Oracle, who we consult on occasion; and who predicted dead accurately the final election result a full ten days before the event.

Carved in Stone

Labour’s undoing was in its leadership, amidst comical props, naïve celebutards, and multiple kitchens. The hypocrisy was intoxicating, permeating across the atmosphere like a torrid boil on the end of a herpes infected todger.

Satire does reflect reality and vice versa, but this election exceeded all expectations, it was moderately entertaining watching the hoop jumping.

“I have something lodged in my back. Ouch, what is that?” Ed Miliband was overheard saying today. Well, Ed, look around, you may see your brother Dave lurking, he returned a little gift for you.

Russell Brand Likes Talking to Robots

Arnold Jenks
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1

Sure, the robot in question is modelled on a millionaire Labour politician with about as much charisma as a damp used rag but what did you expect when the robots programming was always anti-business.

Chief engineer, Karl Crasswind, explains: “The Milirobot has had much programming but sometimes the millions of lines of code fail. All it takes is a semicolon in the wrong place, or a cout here or there not parsed properly within the Marxist manifesto. Believe you me the teams of programmers work day and night at Labour HQ trying to perfect the robot but nothing helps. I’m getting kind of fed up of it actually, think we need to bin it.”

Confronting the programming of the Milibrand bot is a tenuous affair because the programming veers against the economy which is a fundamental element for welfare spending.

“Business, commerce, the economy is the most important factor, because without successful business, welfare will suffer. This is the key to welfare spending and if big companies leave the UK under a punitive tax-laden Labour government there will be less money for welfare, NHS, transport etc. This is the key point that Labour’s Milirobot is programmed to tax heavily those who work hard, thus making them leave the UK. Dump the robot, I have, Milirobot is a disaster and a walking time bomb for Britain.” a previously floating voter told the Times.

Chavs Seen on Streets Again

Arnold Jenks
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0

 

Chavs had their heyday from 1997 – 2010 and were championed by Labour, fulfilling the destiny of any Marxist entity that sub-humans can be up top too.

“It was an iconic time. Chavs would roam the High Streets of Britain smacking people in, vandalising everything, burning down OAPs houses and robbing the local chippy. As a social sub-class movement they were a force to be reckoned with,” Professor Giles Malvern, at Cambridge university, told the Mirror.

Last Days: Obama’s Scorched Earth Policy

Arnold Jenks
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2
Last Days: Obama’s Scorched Earth Policy

 

“The riots in Baltimore, Ferguson and wherever are indications that the final days, months of Obama’s dictatorial reign will end with a policy of burning bridges built over years by previous presidents.

“Successive administrations have dealt with America’s racial divides by either ignoring them or mending them, but Obama has been instrumental in stoking the flames of racial hatred and division.

“Just as in Iraq and the Middle East, Obama has undone any progress made with the Bush surge, which military commanders would tell you was the answer to continued insurgency gains.

“There are similarities to the British socialist party, Labour’s final disastrous ensemble, where Gordon Brown, the then leader of the party, adopted the same scorched earth policy. Brown knew he and his cronies were on the way out and spent every penny in the coffers, even going as far as to get Labour minister, Liam Byrne to leave a note in the Treasury, ‘Dear Chief Secretary, I’m sorry to tell you there is no money… kind regards and good luck’.

“Britain was left with a £2 Trillion deficit which is peanuts compared to what Obama is leaving the next U.S. administration, but it still illustrates the point.”

 

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