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Extraordinary Prince Philip to do Stand Up Comedy in Retirement Years

Reggie Fenster
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Extraordinary Prince Philip to do Stand Up Comedy in Retirement Years

Prince Philip, who turns 96 in June, made the decision himself and the Queen supported him, a spokesman said.

“You’re going to be doing stand-up”, one man told him at a royal lunch on Thursday. “Well, I can’t  literally stand up much, so they’ve arranged for my favourite armchair to sit in whilst doing the stand up” the duke quipped.

The duke will attend comedy venues across the country and sit on an armchair before he doles out his infamous funny lashing quips at today’s celebrities, regions he visits and unsuspecting members of the audience.

The Queen “may attend some of the comedy shows just to see if she comes up in the subject matter, if so, there could be some fisticuffs at home”, the palace said.

As the majority of comedians in Britain today are socialist Labour voting leftists with agendas punching upwards towards the haves of society, it may be a breath of fresh air to see the grand old Duke punching down some of these oiks who revel in their champagne socialist hypocrisy so well.

EU Attack Dog SS Colonel Selmayr At Your Service

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EU Attack Dog SS Colonel Selmayr At Your Service

 

Formerly a lawyer of high regard, but now the right hand man of Herr Juncker, he has been useful in disposal operations in the past.

“When it comes to effective disposal, Colonel Selmayr is a leading proponent in discreet handling but vicious punishment. He comes from the rear or the side, and when no one is looking, schlapf! It’s over,” one of Juncker’s aides revealed.

EU Volksgemeinschaft

A true believer in the thousand year EU project, otherwise known as Reich, Selmayr conducts hits on anyone who gets in the way as ordered by his leader Jean Claude Juncker.

Colonel Selmayr has subsequently been credited with some of the European Union’s most hard-line negotiating positions, including its demand that Britain must pay a £80 billion Brexit divorce bill, as well as leaking a damaging account of Mrs May to a German newspaper during recent talks in Downing Street.

“He works underhand, below any known belt line, and from the shadows. People disappear, one minute they are there, the next they swim with the fishes, and no one knows where they are. He is an expert in clandestine operations, disinformation, propaganda and trickery of the highest order,” a scared Brussels worker revealed to the BBC, but has not been seen since speaking up.

ss-colonel-selmayr

Johnny Depp Fed Lines Through Earpiece For Everyday Conversations

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Johnny Depp Fed Lines Through Earpiece For Everyday Conversations

When he’s not featuring in another Tim Burton blockbuster, the Hollywood actor, Johnny Depp likes nothing more than to sit in the corner of a room in complete silence.

“It’s very hard to get him to say anything, like a single word, but when he does, he dials up his sound engineer who tells him what to say. For example someone may ask Depp if he wants sugar in his tea, he then presses a button to his engineer who is on 24 hour standby and hears everything that is going on. His engineer will then tell Johnny to say ‘yes, please’ through the ear piece, then the actor will repeat the words in a manner of his choice,” Depp’s manager revealed yesterday.

Depp’s sound engineer is paid hundreds of thousands of dollars per annum, to not only tell Depp what to say on film sets but off them as well.

The Pirates of the Caribbean star rarely says anything of his own accord and is so controlled by others that last year during an interview, his earpiece malfunctioned, and he did not know who he was or why he was there until the connection was re-established four minutes later.

He then suddenly starting reciting large quotes from Byron and Baudelaire to massive applause from the TV audience.

 

Tim Farron Takes One Up the Poop Chute For the Lib Dems

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Tim Farron Takes One Up the Poop Chute For the Lib Dems

 

Hounded for weeks by homo rights protesters for not admitting on television that he did not approve of gay sex, the Lib Dem decided to prove first hand so he can be seen as a contender for the coming election.

Mr Farron’s  assistant Rosie Boyd arranged for the Lib Dem leader to visit a gay sauna where in full view of gay rights activists and gay news media, he forced himself to bend over and be serviced by a troupe of homosexual Lib Dem voters.

Sewer chewer

“I wanted to prove to homosexual voters that the Lib Dems are with them all the way. I just got buggered up the poop chute by a large man from Hampstead Heath. Afterwards, the gentleman revealed he had full blown AIDS and hoped I would not mind. He said he would vote Lib Dem in the election, so I forgave him,” Farron told ITN news.

The unnatural act of coitus through the male anal passage is frowned upon by many, however is seen as normal behaviour by gay men.

“Although deemed as an unnatural perversion by many globally, gay sex utilising the anus between two men is seen as normal by gays plus it’s a great way to spread diseases to keep the world population down,” one proud gay activist who also has HIV and Hepatitis revealed.

Brexit Juncker’s Disastrous Dinner Made Talks About Talks Trickier?

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Brexit Juncker’s Disastrous Dinner Made Talks About Talks Trickier?

It seems the first and perhaps trickiest agreement (if any agreement is possible after that dinner – see below) in the upcoming Brexit talks is going to have to be on what food will be available during the subsequent meetings.

Hours after a Brussels summit in which EU leaders – some calling the UK’s stance “unreal” – again insisted it will have to settle up the ransom money they have concocted out of thin air before the UK will be allowed to leave the totalitarian EU state.

Meanwhile, members of the European Commission, a group of unelected technocrats, had other priorities on their mind.

“We must have agreeable French cuisine available at all meetings. Jean Claude-Juncker likes to not only have the best French haute cuisine and personal chef available at all hours of the day, maybe to rustle up a poularde roasted with caraway, tamarind jus, green lentils, turnips et cabbage, or a Challans duck, foie gras poached in Rivesaltes, avec some crispy pear. Hmmm délicieux..One must also not forget the obligatory jug of cognac and a cigar or two at every meeting, only the best for Monsieur Juncker,” Allen Batentout, Senior unelected EU Analyst told the BBC.

The view from Europe

The chances of talks failing are “over 50%”, EU commission chief Jean-Claude Juncker and his team have concluded after a reportedly disastrous pre-summit dinner with PM Theresa May.

“I’m leaving Downing Street 10 times more sceptical than I was before,” a disgusted Juncker told the prime minister, apparently appalled by the UK’s “simplistic” take on key issues such as Britain’s divorce bill and the future rights of EU citizens as well as the “despicable” food presented at the meeting.

The main topic, of course, was the quality of food that was presented to the visiting EU dignitaries.

According to the account, in the Frankfurter Allgemeine Sonntagszeitung, Juncker – who now believes Britain is seriously underestimating the complexity of what is to come – later told Angela Merkel, May was “on a different galaxy” not only in gastronomical taste but EU politics.

On leaving Number 10, Juncker – not shy in showing his disapproval, projectile vomited over two policemen, a reporter and the resident cat. His gut wrenching vomit was so powerful that one policeman had to receive counselling after being doused in bits of carrot, some sweetcorn and lashings of mashed potato.

“One of the protection officers had his mouth open and swallowed a considerable amount of Juncker vomit. It stunk of fresh cognac, Baron Otard to be precise. That was not the worst of it though, even Larry the Number 10 cat was doused in the puke, but he did not look perturbed by it at all, he just simply bent his head down to eat up as much as he could. Yuk!” another reporter revealed.

In perhaps the most telling exchange, May implored Juncker, “Let us make Brexit a success.” The commission president responded that while he didn’t want chaos, “Brexit cannot be a success.”

What’s Going to Happen After the Premier League Promotion Party?

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What’s Going to Happen After the Premier League Promotion Party?

Brighton & Hove Albion and Newcastle United have both confirmed their Premier League promotion, whilst either Reading, Fulham, Sheffield Wednesday or Huddersfield will join them.

The bookies are already rolling out odds for their possible feats next season, however, before  you do place a bet online, it’s important as ever to check out bookmaker reviews to make sure you get the best odds and promotions as it can make a huge difference your winnings.

The Magpies are 1/6 to stay up next season whilst Brighton are 4/6, with Rafa Benitez’s men 7/2  to take the back drop down to the Championship, though the Seagulls are almost evens at 11/10.

Benitez is being tipped for a successful season with the Magpies next season and the Spaniard is said to be confident he will be afforded what he needs from boss Mike Ashley so that he is able to remain on the touchline at St. James’ Park. The pair are set to meet next week to discuss plans to move the club forward on their immediate return to the top flight and it is reported that Benitez will be handed a £70 million war chest to splash out in the transfer window.

Ashley is said to have a good understanding of Bentiez’s plan and the former Liverpool manager is said to have huge ambitions with the North East club and making them a top-eight club again is at the very top. It will be a difficult ask for Benitez, admittedly, they do have everything in the making of a top eight club, a huge stadium, a loyal fan base, a billionaire owner and a very talented manager, though they do lack quality in many areas of the pitch. That said, that £70 million transfer budget is likely to solve that problem easily and at 7/2 for a top-half finish, the Magpies may just be good value for their money.

As for Brighton, it’s their first ever stint in the Premier League and what a truly remarkably story it’s been for the Seagulls. Some twenty years ago, it took the club until the very last day of the 1996/97 season to secure Football League survival. The trio of Dick Knight, Bob Pinnock and Martin Perry shook hands on a deal to rescue Brighton with two just games remaining and ever since that fateful day, they took the club from strength to strength.

Now, the club is a position that fans back then could have only dreamed of, and even with the wildest of dreamers, it’s something would have been hard to envisage. Whilst Brighton may be completely unfamiliar with the Premier League, Chris Hughton is no stranger. The 58-year-old guided Newcastle to the top flight in 2010 and secured a very respectable 11th place finish with Norwich during the 2012/13 season.

Hughton has turned his Brighton side into an excellent defensive unit and since taking charge in late 2014, they have 47 clean sheets in 113 league games, if they can continue this in the Premier League they’ll be more than sound. Glenn Murray will be keen to replicate his goal-scoring efforts in the top flight also, the 33-year-old boasts 22 goals and five assists this term. Anthony Knockaert is another talent fans in the top flight are keen to see, the Frenchman has 15 goals to his name this season, with a further eight assists and teammates Tomer Hemed and Sam Baldock aren’t far behind. They’re definitely ones to keep an eye out for.

The Rise of Online Gaming

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The Rise of Online Gaming

 

Leading the way is MMORPG, massively multiplayer online role playing games but
for their all dominance, the internet has opened up endless possibilities for all other
genres in the gaming market, breathing life into those once considered archaic.
Since a decade ago, the online gaming market has continued to grow exponentially.
A study from 2013 revealed that 72% of US gamers alone play mainly online, a 5%
increase from 2012 and definite foreshadow of the way the industry was heading,
and is likely to continue to head for a decade and far beyond.

One key driver for the growth within the online gaming market is the mobile sector,
along with both social and increasingly diverse educational titles. In addition to this,
the likes of Augmented Reality and Virtual Reality headsets with cross-platform
gaming will attract new audiences and boost the industry massively. Such practices
take online gaming to a whole new level, enabling three-dimensional environments
to be recreated across several platforms. Now, not only can your favourite social and
mobile games be enjoyed and shared on a large television screen, but the minute
details of even live casino gameplay can be replicated as if you were in the finest
casino of the Las Vegas strip. Whether you’re choosing to sit at the slot machines,
spin the roulette wheel, try your hard at blackjack or show off your best poker face.

Technology is changing our lives as it is allowing us all to become more and more
connected. Public Wi-Fi sports, faster broadband speeds and greater bandwidth are
not only improving our online gaming experiences but also means that we are all just
one click away from interacting at all times. With this, technology is increasingly
heading in a mobile direction, meaning that we can interact with each other and play
our favourite games, whether it be whether it be online poker, Candy Crush, Crazy Taxi, puzzles, MMORPG, you name it, at the tip of our finger tips. An increasing number of people are now choosing to access the internet from smartphones and tables and the
majority of said devices are capable are supporting even the most of sophisticated
online games.

Online gaming does more than simply increase the availability to your favourite
console games but also attracts a whole new demographic. As the market allows
games to be accessed easily from anywhere, at any one time, day or night, the
typical gamer is no longer a young male but women and the older generation are
very much on board. With the market growing in popularity with the older generation,
as they never really got to connect with video games, they are enjoying traditional
casino games as they can access the best sites whenever and wherever.

Local Plumber Talks About His Ordinary Life

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Local Plumber Talks About His Ordinary Life

 

Tommy Cruiser, 44, comes from Nuneaton, a little town in Warwickshire, where he enjoys an idyllic life as a plumber.

“It’s hard work. You know you get up at the crack of dawn and start getting messages of leaky pipes, toilet problems and dishwasher installations. I particularly enjoy the jobs where I get knees deep under the sink to fix that pesky problem.”

Tommy is a devout Scatologist, which is a cult that programs people. The religion was started by Ron. L. Hubbub in 1968.

“If there’s a problem in the toilet bowl, I speak out to the Klingons to exorcise them and clear the blockages. It really helps. One day I was speaking out to the great Operating Cretin in the sky, and got my E-meter (specialist plumbing tool) out. It read that the toilet pipe was in the throes of an intergalactic metabolic dictatorship that only Xenu (toilet plunger) could save. Suffice to say, after a good plugging the enormous turd blocking the pipe junction was released into the sewer and Mrs. Mable at 42, could have her toilet back.”

Tommy left school at 16, and immediately knew what he wanted to do with his life.

“I left school became a plumber and that’s it. I’ve never left to do anything else. I once thought about being an actor, you know star in movies like my favourite is Mission Impossible, but instead I’m a reacher, you know reach round here, reach round there, get a vice-grip here, get a bog brush there. It’s simple but a very satisfying job.”

World’s First Ever Human-Monkey Hybrid Grown in Lab in China

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World’s First Ever Human-Monkey Hybrid Grown in Lab in China

Scientists have successfully formed a hybrid human-monkey creature – with the experiment taking place in China to avoid “legal issues”.

Researchers led by scientist Mao-Mao Espinoza spliced together the genes to grow a monkey with human cells.

“The first thing he did after being born is run over to a little red book in the corner of the room and began to calmly order the death of millions of landlords, jabbering on about something called the Great Leap Forward,” an alarmed Espinoza revealed.

The creature has now been given its own living quarters replete with communist furnishings and books about collectivism to keep it quiet.

“We are doing the experiments with monkeys in China because, in principle, they cannot be done [in Spain]” Rangoo Portomento, Project collaborator revealed hailing the experiment a “great success”.

The team have not yet published their findings, but confirmed the hybrid to EL PAIS.

“We are now trying not only to move forward and continue experimenting with human cells and rodent and pig cells, but also with non-human primates,” Espinoza said.

The scientist, from Spain, was responsible for creating the first human pig hybrid in 2017 called affectionately ‘Rosie’ after the American celebrity, O’Donnell.

5 Apps for Every Dedicated Prime Minister

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5 Apps for Every Dedicated Prime Minister

With the local elections out of the way and General Election fever gripping the nation, it would be easy to get sucked in and forget that anything else in British politics matters.

Not us. Now more than ever, we think it’s important to bring you the news from
outside GE2017, like, for example, this hard hitting story on the apps our very own
Prime Minister is using to run the country. A good Prime Minister also needs a good
phone provider, and with Asda Mobile’s 30-day SIM-free bundles, you can get the job
done to the best of your ability. Whoever steps through the door of number 10
following the 8th June will need to download the following 5 apps.

1. The Big Red Button
The PM is charged with the safety of the nation, and while one high profile party
leader has said he’ll never press the red button, our PM will need to download the Big
Red Button app anyway. Unleashing Armageddon from your phone is now a reality
with this great free tax payer-funded app.

2. Organise My Cabinet
One of the toughest jobs when forming a government is, well, forming a government.
Every PM has a duty to create an elite team of Cabinet members who will run the
various Government departments. Well, with the Organise My Cabinet app, you don’t
have to. Simply take a photo of those you’d like to feature in your cabinet and the
app will automatically rank and file them for you, pushing each person an automatic
email explaining where they stand.

3. PMQs Take Down Generator
A mark of a successful PM is to what extent they are able to bat away the comments
of the opposition at Prime Minister’s Questions each Wednesday that the House of
Commons is in session. Coming up with your own witty quips takes unnecessary
brainpower, and now, PMs can use this handy Take Down Generator app to help
them win every argument with a simple tap of an app. No thinking required.

4. Rent a Scandal
Need to put out a policy that’s likely to be unpopular? Don’t worry, the Rent a
Scandal app has you covered. Simply put in the time and date of a required scandal,
choose from a list of predetermined, scandalous scenarios and create the perfect
distraction on your policy announcement day. The press will be so distracted by the
scandal that they’ll never pay you a minute’s notice.

5. Signal Blocker
If your phone’s ringing off the hook and you just wish you could ignore it and play the
“I didn’t have any signal” card, this app is for you. Simply load the app and you’ll
remain signal –free until you shut it down. Ignore those pesky phone calls from your
government ministers, the press and indeed your own family thanks to the Signal
Blocker app.

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