Tommy Cruiser, 44, comes from Nuneaton, a little town in Warwickshire, where he enjoys an idyllic life as a plumber.
“It’s hard work. You know you get up at the crack of dawn and start getting messages of leaky pipes, toilet problems and dishwasher installations. I particularly enjoy the jobs where I get knees deep under the sink to fix that pesky problem.”
Tommy is a devout Scatologist, which is a cult that programs people. The religion was started by Ron. L. Hubbub in 1968.
“If there’s a problem in the toilet bowl, I speak out to the Klingons to exorcise them and clear the blockages. It really helps. One day I was speaking out to the great Operating Cretin in the sky, and got my E-meter (specialist plumbing tool) out. It read that the toilet pipe was in the throes of an intergalactic metabolic dictatorship that only Xenu (toilet plunger) could save. Suffice to say, after a good plugging the enormous turd blocking the pipe junction was released into the sewer and Mrs. Mable at 42, could have her toilet back.”
Tommy left school at 16, and immediately knew what he wanted to do with his life.
“I left school became a plumber and that’s it. I’ve never left to do anything else. I once thought about being an actor, you know star in movies like my favourite is Mission Impossible, but instead I’m a reacher, you know reach round here, reach round there, get a vice-grip here, get a bog brush there. It’s simple but a very satisfying job.”