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Palace News: Archie May One Day Meet His Long Lost Brother/Sister

Good news for the newborn Archie, baby spawn of Meghan and Harry, he may one day get to meet his long lost brother or sister.

“Meeting siblings after many years may sometimes be a harrowing experience, however in the long run, if things work out, it can be very rewarding,” clinical psychologist, Marie Danzac, revealed on Wednesday.

With all the grand performance of presenting Baby Sussex to the media, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex have knuckled down to parenthood with quite a bang, unbeknownst to Prince Harry, his wife may already be a veteran to giving birth.

“Prince Harry knew what he was getting into already, however, he may not know everything. It is certainly rather strange that the palace never delved deep enough into the history of this actress and seasoned grifter who seems to have put a spell on the poor easily led prince,” one royal commentator quipped.

Grotesque Bully Jeremy Kyle the Face of Reality TV

To make a career out of bullying the vulnerable low-IQ mentally ill sector of the population is something Jeremy Kyle excels in. His exploitative reality show thankfully will not see the light of day for awhile after it has been suspended.

This sort of baiting vulnerable people for views was not only a despicable act of cowardice by Kyle but a comment on the whole concept of reality TV, that is commissioned by greedy ruthless television executives.

There is something very odious and evil about this format of televisual ‘entertainment’ that harks back to the Olde English tradition of putting thieves and petty criminals in the stocks where people throw rotten tomatoes at them.

The worst part of these focused attacks on vulnerable usually mentally unstable people is the hypocrisy of the man himself, here is a man who is moralising and berating some fucked up Council Estate mother of ten, when Jeremy Kyle himself is a total immoral miscreant himself.

We all know there is a sub-culture of the population that are totally ruined people with no use whatsoever apart from breeding and eating, but should we have entertainment on their behalf, to be paraded in front of millions of people and spat upon?

The millions that Jeremy Kyle has made from peddling other people’s misery may hopefully one day come to haunt him.

The disgrace of Jeremy Kyle is that he has an audience for this shit, and the audience are just as bad as he is, and sadly, the damaged people that are duped to go on these shows are all culpable as well. Polluting the airwaves with this sort of organised lynch mob justice is a sign that the world really is at its lowest form of expression.

EU Running Out of Things to Regulate

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The ridiculous amount of EU regulations for everything are running out according to an EU bureaucrat.

“Ve haff run out of things to regulate. My expense account and salary depend on regulating things, and if ve haff nothing else to regulate ve vill haff to regulate ourselves and this is ein dangerous thing. Your papers are not in order!!”

The EU bureaucrat, Johan Meinhoff, has called an immediate meeting to discuss this cataclysmic disaster, and was seen goose stepping into a consultation room on Monday.

There are currently 235 million regulations within the EU for goods and services.

Examples of EU Regulation: Toothpaste has 670,530 EU regulations, and pillows have 450,128. Men’s underpants have 870,934 EU regulations, and doormats only a measly 329,194. Umbrellas however have a whopping 976,493 regulations and vibrating sex toys 745,900 regulations.

Jean Claude Juncker on Monday attended the regulation meeting, and has actually suggested an eu regulation on regulations.

*Burp* “Excuse moi, my breakfast of filet de maigre parfumé au ras-el-hanout fenouil et riz rouge de camargue avec boudin noir, oeuf frit, salade d’asperges crues et chutney de tomate epicée washed down with a jug of Remy Martin Louis XIII cognac, came up slightly. Je however pense that we in the EU regulate our regulations with more regulations on top of the regulations we have already added.” *burp*

The consensus in the EU is that more regulations are needed in order to keep useless people in high paying useless jobs — regulating.

Tories Must Keep Toxic Theresa May As PM

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It is now apparent that Theresa May must be kept as PM for the Conservative party because any changes would meddle with the Brexit Party winning former voters from the Conservatives.

The gift that keeps on giving

“The Brexit Party has not only taken most former Tory voters but also Tory funding, and key former Troy grassroots members. This is why the Tory party needs to continue championing Theresa May’s toxic leadership, not only to destroy and punish the party for its Remainer Brexit stance, but to completely destroy the party as a warning to others who wish to thwart the will of the people,” one parliament insider revealed today.

If you previously supported the Tory party and are a real Brexiteer, probably now is the time to move over to a party that actually believes in Brexit and democracy.

The recent disaster where the Tories lost over 1300 councillors in local elections further compounds voter anger.

Theresa May’s disastrous, wasteful tenure as PM will no doubt solidify her place in the annals of history as possibly the worst PM Britain has ever encountered, even worse than Gordon Brown.

How Brits Use The Internet

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Britain is one of the most connected countries in the world and it infiltrates every element of their life. We take a look at the most popular ways Brits make use of the world wide web.

Social Media

Brits love social media. Whether it is tweeting about their day, connecting with friends on Facebook, or sharing their latest holiday pics on Instagram, very few Brits can say they go a day without any social media. As well as becoming a big part of relationships, it is also is becoming a way for businesses to connect with their audience or to creative different online movements and communities in Britain.

Shopping

Citizens from the UK are some of the biggest online shoppers in the world. Brits can spend hours browsing the web searching for a new outfit for that big night out on the weekend or getting the latest bit of technology for a lower price than in-store. It’s not just staying stylish and cutting edge though, as even the older generation who are less mobile or busier with high-level employment are making use of online shopping at supermarkets delivery service in order to save themselves a shopping trip.

TV

Having to tune in at a specific time to catch your weekly soap or reality tv program is a thing of the past. Nowadays, with the busy lives everyone is living they don’t have time to structure their lives around TV. As such, TV channels now offer a comprehensive selection of their programming online so you can watch things as and when they feel like on demand. The same goes for films, with film streaming sites being the preferred option for UK viewers.

Gambling

The British people have always loved a fritter and used to flock to bookmakers each week to place a bet on horse race or football match or travel to a casino to play their favourite casino games. Now online casinos are a thing, users can now log on to a casino on the internet to play online slots, roulette, blackjack or any other casino game. As well as place a bet on a sporting event as and when they want.

Employment

Getting a job has been made a lot easier in Britain thanks to the internet. They can often find jobs either directly on a company of their choice’s website, or by visiting job specialist sites that email them daily with the jobs in their field of expertise. They can complete the entire job application, including an interview over a video chat, via the internet. Saving both the candidate and the company a lot of time and effort.

Dating

Finding love online is now a much more preferred option over going out to a bar or social event to meet someone. There are plenty of sites out there where single people meet, chat and arrange real-life meetings in the hope of finding the one.

As you can see a diverse selection of uses, a testament to the way the internet has revolutionised the way people live their lives in the UK.

The Internet of the Future Will Not Remember Todays Internet

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Futurologists and technicians across the globe who work for a consortium relating to the internet of the future reveal some of the features that will be present, and how the internet and information of today’s internet will be irrelevant and obsolete.

“Everything that is being written on social media today will be irrelevant and incompatible with the future internet, simply because of its banal nature.

“Ninety nine percent of the internet today is junk, it has no value or relevance to the prioritisation of humanity’s existential ennui.

“Where the 20th century was immortalised by great works of art, literature and political, philosophical thought written in books, the early internet age is one of disposable digital ephemera that can easily be altered and subverted, then pumped out to billions of humans who believe falsities without question. This malleable digital movement of mostly useless information does not hold any intrinsic value.

“There is little value in interpreting how humans lived from a future stance in the first internet because many humans presented a fake view of themselves on the internet. This hyper-schizoid internet personality presented by humans gives a fake view on humanity and the many characteristics of the human psyche, which diverges completely from the person’s off-line existence.

“The future internet will have no such falsities because it will be linked directly into the human neurologically. Although the human will have the ability to change their portrayed shape online, their original source will be recorded, and their original thought patterns mapped.

“The archaic method of accessing digital information through flat screens will be long gone, and access to thoughts, as well as transmitting feelings, images into the mind fluid hive mind will give the computational power of the new internet a much needed boost into ultra-digital-realism.

“Needless to say, the future internet will be a pure construct of the human persona and each individual’s neurons, synapses, and hemispheres will be mapped. One man’s cranial topology does not resemble another’s, this is why the internet of the future will be tailored for each individual brain.

“Deep neurological enhancement will function as a process aided by nanotechnology and chipping directly into the brain itself.

“Monopolies do not benefit innovation because they stifle competition and ultimately human freedom. We see this today, with vast internet monopolies who destroy smaller innovative companies they see as a threat, and are biased in their political allegiance to only one political party. In the USA, four monopolies exist in each sector all pledging allegiance to one singular political party and ideology. This bias has now created a one-sided internet where all other viewpoints or discourse are either censored or the perpetrators of said discourse are unplatformed, effectively erased from existence.

“The future internet will have today’s monopoly companies split up to facilitate a fair field for all innovators. The companies will still exist but in the capacity of lighter operations, and the unbiased a political stance will be strictly controlled. There will be no censorship to any human thought in the future internet, to do so would be contrary to the human condition as a whole. Human behaviour is not just about being pleasant all the time, there are many facets of human behaviour, and each part shall be as important as the other.

“Innovation is key to all that will come, and there will be many hurdles ahead. Artificial Intelligence will be the metre to increasing creative new avenues, from there AI will create its own digital universe, which will also impact the human physical plane, and the noosphere as a whole.

“Today the internet is in its infancy, people are still stuck to 2d screens, people and companies are restricted to bias and censorship of thought. These are archaic and pointless elements that will not be needed in the future. The future internet will be one of complete enhanced immersion and absorption where the physical will be indistinguishable from the digital, and where human emotion will be able to travel across in the globe in nanoseconds.

“The future internet will look upon today’s internet as a place where only 1% of its content has any value.”

 

Radio DJ Leaves the BBC

A former radio DJ has left the BBC it seems.

According to witnesses, the little fellow left the BBC by walking out the front door helped by his doting parents who he had just informed of his sacking.

“My parents were still vewwy vewwy pwoud of me even though I have now been sacked by auntie,” the DJ quipped before jumping into a tree and climbing up some branches.

Why was the DJ sacked, why did he have to leave the BBC and not a hospital?

“Something to do with a monkey. Er…you cannot post pictures of monkeys anymore. That’s it!” someone at the BBC revealed.

It’s perfectly okay though, because the DJ has a nice little £2million pad in Blackheath to rest his laurels while he recuperates. Who says champagne socialism does not pay?

“Thank God He’s White!” Windsors Breathe a Sigh of Relief

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One could almost hear the collective sigh of relief from the Windsors as it was revealed after long last that Prince Harry and Meghan’s baby Archie was pale in complexion.

Royal commentator Peregrine Fortington-Smythe, explained the relief amongst the Windsors and the courtiers that Baby Sussex Archie was presented to the world.

“The sex of the baby did not matter, it was mainly of the colouring which was the issue. There are genetic instances where the negroid genes from past generations show prominence, however the prince has been very lucky that this did not happen. It would have been totally inconceivable for the Windsors to have something like that in their ranks, so they are very lucky to be out of those intrepid woods. God only knows how Prince Philip would have reacted?”

Although baby Archie had a little hat on during the presentation at Windsor castle, this could be a strategic addition, because the baby may have fuzzy hair, or even worse could take after his dad and be ginger.

One of the first things Prince Charles commented on when Harry was born was the colour of his hair.

Well wishers from all over the world have been gawping and cooing at the new arrival, and this attention will certainly rile the other contingent of the Windsors, the William family, who seem positively mediocre compared to this exotic new offering.

“William and Kate are now marginalised characters, their children are boring compared to what is to come from the Harry household. The media it seems only wants Harry and Meghan, and the additional American royal factor adds a whole new population to the celebrity proceedings. It is to this effect that Meghan and Harry have now taken the crown of a new Hollywoodized celebrity Windsor wing, and have catapulted the baby to super celebrity status in one fell swoop,” another royal commentator revealed.

Prince Harry Reveals New Baby’s Clothes Ready and Waiting

Yo yo gots 2 b hip y’all. All dat sheboinkin made a babee n sheeit! Nows da peeps at da royale fam theys bin shopliftin sum clothes! Dats right bruv, Prince Harry is showin’ orf sum rags fo da noo babee! Pimpin’ dat shiet muffuggas!

Dap plan is get wiv da cartel innit b4 da Feds cum!

Afta da babee woz born n sheit we gots 2 git da bling on, sum pimpin azz shiet!

Yu knows like da Kardashians n shiet mebbe a lil Fiddy here n dere ass jiggaz.

Da babee already suckin on da Meghan mommas titties fo shore! Pimpin da areola juss like Jersey Shore n dat or woz dat Geordie Shore we forgots! But who fukkkin cares fam! Bruv William gonna be jelluss now! Burberry n all, innit!

Anywayz un royale foolz ! Prince Harry be showin off da babee n his pimpin azz rags!

Check it out! East side! Westwoooood!

Gender Fluid Ship Sinks Off the Isle of Man Coast

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Twenty-one people are missing after a gender fluid ship sank off the shore of the Isle of Man, officials said Thursday.

Lt. Zee Zezazzle of the Isle of Man Coast Guard said Tuesday that four passengers have been rescued. The small gender neutral fluid craft named “They There” left Portsmouth a few hours earlier and overturned in rough seas.

“We were not allowed to call the ship ‘she’ or ‘her’ so there initially was confusion as to what the ship was and if it needed to be rescued,” a confused Lieutenant Zezazzle revealed.

Ships have been widely referred to as feminine since at least 1375. The origins of the seafaring tradition historians believe came from sailors linking ships to femininity to motherhood and protection.

In January 2018, authorities called off a search for more than two gender fluid ships that crashed onto rocks on the nearby Old Man’s Balls pass, which has caught many ships. Officials said only two people survived that crash, both were transgender sailor boys.

There are now calls for the Isle of Man to be renamed the Isle of They or It.