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God: “Slow it Down a Bit Will You – Running Out of Cloud Space”

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God: “Slow it Down a Bit Will You – Running Out of Cloud Space”

As the deaths increase in rate around the globe from the Chinese Virus, it seems God is getting a bit nervous with things like overcrowding in heaven.

“We have a backlog up here, the queues at the Pearly Gates extend for hundreds of miles as we are trying to process all these souls as fast as possible.

Shortage of wings

“We are also running out of cloud space, souls like to have their own cloud, but now we have to have four or five to one tiny cloud. Tensions are rising, as some cloud blockers refuse to move on to the main light foyer. We are also seeing a serious shortage in wings. I have asked the wing department to up production.

Flatten the curve

“I have got my son Jesus to do some work, he’s usually lazing on his exclusive cloud next to Mary, but I told him, I said, c’mon do some admin or something, maybe send some of these down to the other place where Satan chills out. Look into some of these souls a bit better, you surely will find some discrepancy, something that is truly unforgivable. We need to flatten the curve here, immigration is getting too much.”

Meanwhile, Satan has also said his work is cut out, with an increase in residents.

“We need to flatten the curve the rate of souls coming here, my demons are working day and night processing the new residents, they keep saying they’re Christians and that always gives us a giggle as we push them into the fire. I have the most fun with the Evangelical Christians who come straight down here without even a judgement at the Pearly Gates, pushing them into the lava and hearing them shout about their private jets is particularly enjoyable.

“I got on the hotline to speak to my creator and buddy, God, and ask him if he wants a few souls, instead he sends more down here. Phew, I used to get a kick out of all of this but it’s becoming an administrative nightmare. I’ve got to hire more staff.”

Archehole: Harry and Meghan Reveal New Money Making Venture

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Archehole: Harry and Meghan Reveal New Money Making Venture

Former royals, Harry and Meghan, who have recently moved to Los Angeles, are setting up a new organisation called Archehole.

In a statement, they said “We are fed up of the global COVID-19 pandemic taking up our precious publicity but faced with this information coming to light, we felt compelled to share the story of how the Archehole commodity came to be”.

The former Duke and Duchess of Sussex, whose baby son is named Archie, gave up their  royal titles at the end of last month, allowing Meghan to resume her z-list career in acting, and have trademarked their own son to make money off selling cheaply produced tat to their deluded, deranged anti-royal fans.

In their last message before stepping down, Harry and Meghan said they would focus on sponging off rich billionaires for the next few months while developing a new future organisation, having been forced to give up their previous SussexRoyal brand.

The Telegraph newspaper reported late on Monday that last month they had filed extensive trademark requests in the United States.

Despite thousands of people dying and millions losing their jobs worldwide, Meghan has been absolutely distraught that she has been off the headlines, and this is why during the pandemic, she is now bombing the news with her latest money making venture — Archehole.

The name Archehole combined an ancient word for strength and action, with another that “evokes the deep resources we each must draw upon through our assholes”.

“We have launched Archehole during a global pandemic because as narcissists we cannot be out of the news for more than two weeks plus we need some fucking money sharpish,” they said.

C’mon peasants, you may be dying of COVID-19 and have lost everything you have, but you must now pay up your last remaining pennies to Harry and Meghan.

How Communist WHO Chief is Preparing World For China Takeover

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How Communist WHO Chief is Preparing World For China Takeover

Infiltrating organisations and installing your operatives is a key technique for many global revolutions, and the WHO World Health Organization has been successfully compromised by the Chinese Communist Party and their shoe-in, Ghebreyesus.

Like any clandestine operative, WHO chief, Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus has a very dodgy and secret past, and was only installed in the job through heavy lobbying from the Chinese. It was an expensive operation, but it worked.

To listen to Ghebreyesus talk about his Chinese masters is to listen to a master class in brown nosing. The WHO chief has his nose so far up Xi Jinping’s fat arse that he can literally smell and taste the sweetcorn.

Everything Ghebreyesus does is China centric, and he does not conduct any speech without praising the wonderful Chinese, of course being careful never to mention the word Taiwan.

One would have thought the WHO, which is an arm of the United Nations would be unbiased and totally transparent in its stance regarding world affairs, but this is not the case with Ghebreyesus, who blurts out the word ‘China’ after every other word.

The WHO chief’s blatant favouritism is possibly due in part to the bulging brown envelopes the Chinese give him in darkened rooms on an ongoing basis, but most certainly, it is down to the revolutionary communist plan to take over the world, economically, when all other Western nations are bogged down in a coronavirus economical malaise.

Ghebreyesus is a cog in the communist machinery that is poised to make some major moves soon, and he is doing his job very well. It is a shame though, that an institution like the WHO, and the UN, should be sullied by such blatant corruption.

Your Covidiot Questions Answered

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Your Covidiot Questions Answered

One thing a crisis like coronavirus brings out of people is the sense that there are literally millions of idiots nestled within the population. Many of these idiots are not only a danger to themselves but to others, and if encountered should be treated with caution, especially in a time of crisis.

We have fielded some questions from an assortment of covidiots purely for amusement purposes.

Covidiot Questions

Question sent in by MP Michael Gove from his self-isolation: “I would like to ask whether lives would be saved in the Cabinet and Number 10 if we were in a bunker or wore the necessary protection or conducted meetings via video conferencing?”

Answer: Yes, you are correct Mr. Gove, the farce of PMs, cabinet ministers and other people of import being infected by the fucking coronavirus, who could have been saved if they actually heeded the warnings they kept on spouting, has to be one big joke. I don’t care what the WHO says, wearing a proper fucking chemical/virus protection mask that has the proper filters, and eye protection will protect the wearer from miniscule water droplets carrying the virus. The Americans are sticking important people in bunkers right now, but the UK doesn’t do things like that, and that’s why half of you are infected. C’mon you socialist Tories must get a grip, stop fucking clapping like a bunch of commie penguins and get on with planning a strategy out of this clusterfuck situation.

Question sent in by Bartholomew Trevillian, Oxfordshire: “My wife convinced me (forced) to book a cruise in May sailing the South China sea visiting Hong Kong, Shanghai and then going down to Australia. Each ticket cost me £85,000 and we get our own balcony, don’t you know. We will be okay, won’t we?”

Answer: You and your cunt wife are useless covidiots of the highest order. You have paid a huge amount of money to die slowly from coronavirus which will be pumped through the ship’s air con system into every cabin. Quarantines, sent from one port to another with little or no food, and people dying all over the fucking corridors. If you think the pandemic will be over by May you are a deluded fuckwit like the rest of them. You might as well go to a cliff right now, throw a suitcase of money over, and then push the wife over, followed by yourself.

Question sent in by Gordon Ramsey, the chef: “I have one of those monstrous fucking mansions out in the country, you know the sort that tries to emulate a post-modernist minimalist feel to it, but actually looks like poorly laid chunks of concrete slapped together randomly. Anyway, I’ve heard fucking grumbling noises from the locals who disapprove of me coming to my country mansion during the lockdown. If I bought this motherfucking monstrosity with my fucking money, should it not be my fucking right to visit it whenever the fuck I want to fucking visit it? (turning blue)

Answer: Mr Ramsey, it seems some of these local oiks and farm people need to be Ramseyed up their arses, preferably with a 12 bore shotgun barrel. It is your fucking property and therefore it is your fucking right to visit and live in your fucking property during this cunting Chinese Virus lockdown, or at any time you wish to fucking visit. Put the fuckers in their place.

Question: I am Xing Mi, from Wuhan, China and the lockdown has ended. I am so happy! I have now booked a world trip to European cities, and London, and also all of American cities for all my family, my friends, and workers on April 20. Will we be greeted with open arms and will people smile at us?

Answer: No, people will not fucking greet you in Europe, in America or in London, England. People are dying in the West because of Chinese tourists travelling all over the fucking place infecting our population with deadly Chinese coronavirus. It is therefore highly irresponsible of you to book your fucking tour of the Western cities as most of the West is still under coronavirus lockdown, or will be coming out of lockdown soon. Will you fucking bat boiling idiots ever learn?

Question sent in by 17-year-old student from Leeds: Why should I have to be in lockdown? It’s only the old farts who are dying, young people are immune to coronavirus, and I am immune to it, nothing can touch me, I am invincible.

Answer: This is exactly why, in wars, they send the young lads over the frontlines. It is precisely your attitude that enables you to act as cannon fodder, the fearlessness of youth. That’s why in wars, they do not send 45-year-olds over the trenches, because they would think of the consequences too much and not move forward into the enemy’s bullets. To that end, your ignorance about the coronavirus is also another reason why you should be forced to stay in, because you are a serious danger to the rest of the population.

Question sent in by chief anti-vaxxer David Icke: The Covid pandemic is a huge hoax, and the vaccine kills people. Do not take the vaccine at all costs.

Answer: With all due respect to the lizard king of theorists, do you think the entire Israeli population would have been vaccinated if they wanted to kill their own entire heavily protected/valued population? Israelis would much prefer other people died, and not their entire population. If you think this is some kind of hoax, look at the bloody killing fields of Brazil or the burning pyres of India, where hospitals had no oxygen supplies and Covid patients were dying in the car parks. Is that a hoax to you? Are you fucking blind? The vaccination in the UK, despite millions of infected, has helped in reducing hospitalisations and deaths in millions of people.

This was a small sample of questions sent in.

Could the Chinese Assassinate Our PM Remotely Using their Coronavirus?

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Could the Chinese Assassinate Our PM Remotely Using their Coronavirus?

Poor Boris, he has now been put on the oxygen tubes, cut down in his prime by the coronavirus sent from China.

Let us hope he pulls through this utter debacle, a terrible misfortune fallen on someone who is wholly undeserving of such a vile Chinese virus.

One can only imagine the look of glee on the faces of the Chinese politburo chiefs as they watch with tenterhooks the latest news briefs on the condition of the ailing British PM. Could the Chinese have pulled off something many pariah states can only dream of, that is the inadvertent assassination of another world leader utilising a virus sent from China?

There were news reports filtering through of a mysterious disease in China in mid November 2019, but the Chinese communist state shut the news down immediately, even arresting doctors, and anyone else who said anything. It was only when the virus had been raging for three months that the Chinese authorities admitted something was wrong. During this period over 10 million Chinese tourists had been travelling from Wuhan spreading the coronavirus deep into the West. These travellers were positively encouraged by the Chinese authorities to go forth and infect as much of the enemy as possible.

The Chinese authorities knew they could absorb the collateral damage, for them, to lose a million citizens is a mere drop in the ocean, especially when they have an overall population of 1.4 billion.

The West, however, will get hit hard if they lose a sizeable amount of their population, as this will impact on their economy allowing China to seize as much as they can once all the business and enterprise falters.

How things play out in the USA, UK and Europe will determine China’s actions. Their greatest target of course is Donald Trump, who is overweight, refuses to wear a mask, and would most certainly falter if infected with a good enough dose of COVID-19, and also we must not forget the other target the Chinese are hoping to destabilise — the NATO military force. We have already seen some infections in the US Navy.

China’s first port of call will no doubt be Australia, simply because it is within attacking distance, and during this incursion Japan will be on the agenda as well.

China’s economic might however will be the full battering ram that will try to seize as many Western assets once weakened favourably to their advantage. By selling their cheaply made poor quality products to Western consumers for decades, China has built up a vast war chest of money which it uses as a tool for conquest.

The evil of the Chinese regime seems to be lost on the ears and eyes of the UN, who turn a blind eye to this regime’s brutality and savagery. It is China’s corruption and dishonesty that has now led to the globe being tormented by this Chinese Virus. Imagine donating respiratory equipment to China in their hour of need, then China charging Italy quadruple the price for the same ‘donated’ equipment.

If this pandemic is ever over, China should be made into a pariah state, with heavy sanctions and all trade halted.

What Coronavirus Lockdown? It’s Like Day of the Triffids Out There

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What Coronavirus Lockdown? It’s Like Day of the Triffids Out There

The sun is out and the Brits are attracted to it like bluebottles to a freshly laid dog turd. Britons are meant to be living under a coronavirus lockdown…yeah sure.

There is no supposed lockdown in London, or any other British city when we are having a sunny weekend.

Leicester Square

The bike paths are full, cyclists jostling for some space, the parks are brimming with people picnicking and throwing balls at each other, all barely within a foot of each other.

The trains are full of people going on a day out, and all unmasked, breathing in the coronavirus deep into their lung tissue.

The beaches are full as the sun bathers all fight for some space a few centimetres away from each other, some coughing, others farting, as the sun beats down on their now red skin.

Brighton beach

This is why the coronavirus in Britain will explode at a higher rate than other countries that have actually brought their armies out to enforce a proper lockdown.

Britain’s laissez faire attitude to this deadly virus will ensure many thousands will succumb to this evil Chinese pestilence and die horribly drowning in their own mucus.

Much like Day of the Triffids, these poor souls have no self-control, they have to look at the bright fireworks in the sky, ooh they’re so beautiful.

This time however, it is an unseen danger lurking amongst other people and the sunshine draws them all out, all these people breathing into each others faces spreading the virus.

Enjoy it now, because in a few weeks time you could be in a hospital bed under a lot of tubes, put into an artificial coma, as distraught apathetic overworked NHS nurses make the decision whether to turn the machines off or keep them running.

coronavirus lockdown london

Forced to Remain Inside Because of the Coronavirus? Here Are 5 Productive Ways to Entertain Yourself While You’re Waiting for the Epidemic to Pass

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Forced to Remain Inside Because of the Coronavirus? Here Are 5 Productive Ways to Entertain Yourself While You’re Waiting for the Epidemic to Pass

Being tied to the confines of your home may not be the highest high of your life, but it sure does beat exposing yourself to a potentially lethal infection. So today, we’re going to examine how to entertain yourself in the meantime and still get the job done without touching the front door (or any of the other ones, for that matter). And no, it does not involve jumping out the window either.

But make no mistake – this is not a generic “how to entertain yourself as an introvert” type of article. It’s more along the lines of productive entertainment. Anyway, let’s get started!

1. Having video call sessions instead of meeting in person

Need to meet up with a friend for a cup of coffee and chat? Forget about the coffee and skype-835470_640just do a webcam session instead. If you don’t have one on your pc, nowadays, pretty much every smartphone on the planet has one built-in, so it’s fine to utilize that. In terms of software to use, it’s up to you. If you’re fresh out of ideas, Skype is as good a solution as any (and free to boot). You could accomplish just about the same by typing if you only feel like exchanging a couple of hellos, but otherwise, you’ll accomplish more with a video call session in the same amount of time. Plus, the latter take much less work and are, in general, way more fun.

2. Streaming or downloading a movie online instead of going to the cinema

netflix-3733812_640Everyone needs a breather once in a while. So if sitting at home and reading a book is not your primary choice of entertainment, there’s still a way to consume video content without going to the local cinema. Simply stream the movie of your choice or order it from an online store. The downside, of course, is that the movie won’t be the most freshly-released one you can find, since these are, more or less, exclusive to being played in cinemas. But if you’re content with watching an older one (if you consider 2 years since its release to be old), then you won’t be running short of home-based options.

3. Opting for food delivery instead of going to a restaurant

Hungry and don’t feel like mingling in the busy crowds? Door-to-door food delivery services pizza-4457006_640like UberEats make it incredibly easy to order something from the comfort of your sofa without even having to speak to someone on the phone (if social anxiety rings a bell, that’s more than a plus). You simply open up the application, browse through the menus offered by the local restaurants, and take your pick. After that, they will prepare a meal and have one of the drivers deliver it straight to your doorstep. Aside from having to pay for the order itself, you’ll only be charged a little extra to cover the delivery fees.

4. Playing a few rounds of poker, blackjack, roulette, or baccarat

dice-5012425_640Since many don’t have the luxury of living near a brick and mortar casino, playing a couple of rounds online comes as a great alternative. Besides, if your current location is under quarantine and locked down anyway, there is no better time to visit an online casino than now. As a matter of fact, this comes with several advantages. For one, you’ll be able to enjoy a greater selection of games than can be crammed into any physical building. Secondly, you’ll be able to play more rounds within a given hour, which falls right in the spirit of productivity. And that’s not even mentioning the benefit of being showered with bonuses and special promotions you’re unlikely to see offline.

5. Researching stuff online

A lengthy coronavirus quarantine can kill one’s mood. But that doesn’t mean that you computer-1185626_640should allow yourself to sit on your laurels and waste the precious days like some slob you clearly are not. So what gives you the pleasure of daydreaming and being productive all at the same time? Researching new travel destinations, real estate, stock options, or whatever tickles your fancy. The core idea is to arm yourself with the knowledge in the now, so you can act on it later – as soon as the quarantine and travel restrictions get lifted.

You know how it goes: there’s always a rainbow at the end of every rain. So cheer up, get something going on and get cracking!

COVID-19: China Watching With Eager Eyes to See Which Western Nations Crumble First

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COVID-19: China Watching With Eager Eyes to See Which Western Nations Crumble First

The virus released from China and spread across the West’s major cities by eager Chinese tourists is causing untold damage to the Western industrialised nations, and the Chinese Politburo are watching with eagle-eyed eagerness.

Communist Virus

“The Chinese population is over 1.4 billion people and through our communist industrial revolution we have ruined our own country and polluted it beyond belief. We are now planning to move our citizens into Western and African nations once they all die of coronavirus. Any invasion will be easy, because their governments will have collapsed,” one communist People’s Army general said from Shanghai.

The China Virus imported into the West is increasing at an exponential level despite efforts to lockdown citizens, although within liberal democratic societies many people are flouting the lockdown measures and spreading the coronavirus as they go to work each day, or do not wear masks.

Go forth and multiply

In the three-month period when coronavirus was raging across China, 759,493 people entered the U.S. from China. These people travelled far and wide, deep into U.S. cities spreading the virus.

One can see the same pattern occurring in Europe where there are no borders, with its lauded Schengen zone allowing Chinese tourists to spread the virus deep into every city. The brunt of the Chinese tourism hitting northern Italian cities like Venice, and Milan as well as Rome. Spain was also a large magnet for the Chinese, as is now reflected in over 12,000 Spanish deaths in just two weeks so far.

Western nations have been caught in the headlights, and their pathetic measures of containment are laughed at by the Chinese.

“London Underground, full. No one wearing masks. Coronavirus from breath circulates through carriage, everyone exposed. People touch surfaces. They touch face, they put fingers in mouth. They breathe coronavirus deep into their lungs in enclosed space. We will soon have our citizens in their cities. China must expand!” the general added.

It is true, for the last remaining world resources, there will only be one winner, and China thinks it can do it, and is succeeding, where the West is failing.

Maybe they will let some Westerners live in their dystopian communist world, which is so lauded by the fawning WHO. To see the WHO chief praise China daily, one would assume he is in love with their brutal communist ideals and expansionist dreams.

“We will keep some of the surviving Europeans in a zoo, and we can show our kids these people who were so stupid, they did not shut down everything like we did. We will keep some Americans too, only the Caucasian ones, the African ones are too wild,” one Chinese scientist revealed on the Xinhua news network.

Cui bono? It’s certainly not the West who have had their economies decimated and left with a diseased population.

The Chinese however, are merely biding their time, before it’s time to move into the empty Western cities.

News That’s Beyond Satire – Edition II

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News That’s Beyond Satire – Edition II

Hello and welcome to the coronavirus lockdown edition of our Beyond Satire series showcasing some of the beyond satire, pretty much beyond anything headlines we have found in our internet travels whilst bored out of our fucking minds.

 

Please do check out the Beyond Satire I edition.

The bizarre CIA ‘fake scrotum’ designed to enable downed pilots to conceal an escape radio

bull testicles

You have to hand it to the CIA, they sure come up with some top bollocking prizes for this one. We have to apologise, the headline is not beyond satire as such, but the fucking CIA themselves are for creating this monstrous dangly bit replete with some realistic pubes to add to its realistic yet menacing appearance.

 

Teenager, 18, is stabbed to death while on a knife-awareness course

Criminal With a Knife

Say no more, one could say this sort of stabbing thing is to be accepted during the horrid reign of London Mayor Sadiq Khan, but it does hold some sort of beyond satirical quality to its presentation.

 

Film about London gang violence banned after machete brawl during screening…

Murdered man's feet killed by a young adult

It’s those pesky ‘young people‘ again, and they’re doing what they do best — creating beyond satire headlines.

 

Australian astrophysicist gets four magnets stuck up his nose while trying to create anti-coronavirus device

Mad scientist

There have been many tales of bravery and sacrifice by medical workers fighting Covid-19 around the world, but none quite compares to the Australian astrophysicist who got four magnets stuck up his nose while trying to develop a device to prevent people from touching their faces.

 

Man ‘teaching dog how to drive’ arrested after high-speed chase

dog car steering wheel

“When we took him into custody… he admitted to our troopers that he was trying to teach his dog to drive.”

 

Family of 17 infected at funeral of COVID-19 victim…

Coffins

That’s right, let’s all go to the funeral of someone who died from a highly contagious virus. What could possibly go wrong?

butt amputation
(Instagram)

 

 

Woman needs her ass amputated after injecting herself illegally

There are no words to describe the horror of this miniscule brained individual apart from she has a vast artificially created ass that needs to be amputated and is an Instagram model…say no more.

Chinese April Fool’s Day?

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Chinese April Fool’s Day?

Pinch yourself, is this a Chinese nightmare, is this a fucking Chinese April Fool trick?

No, unfortunately, the globe really is in the middle of a virus pandemic which came from China.

This awful Chinese Virus is a pestilence that has caused TRILLIONS of dollars of damage to the global economy and is knocking off a few people here or there as well.

The Chins are communists and do not have a sense of humour, so, if you play a joke on someone in China, prepare to be reported to your local communist official, where you will be taken away, the soles of your feet beaten with a stick, then put in a prison never to be seen again.

Imagine waking up in your bed with a large scar down the side of your body. Chinese April Fool’s! You just had your kidney taken out and sold in a market in Guangdong! How about that for a joke?

During this lovely China pandemic nightmare, prepare to have your life changed forever.

Hundreds of thousands of poor souls globally are losing their lives and their jobs because some Chinese arsehole in an animal market ate bat soup along with a pangolin. It was really that simple…and here’s the clincher..the Wuhan live animal markets where coronavirus came from have just reopened, and they’re doing the same thing as before..no change.

Chinese April Fool’s day muffuggas!

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