“I was looking for a mail order bride, flicking through the catalogue, went through the Russian section, then the Korean section, then the Chinese, then the Thai. They all seemed a little too needy, so when I came across the ISIS section, I thought why not order up something different for a change?”

The man, Rodney Humbole, 52, from Tunbridge Wells, has already gone through numerous mail order brides, with not much luck.

“One of them got lost in the post, she was meant to be a 21-year-old Chinese beauty from Beijing. According to the courier, she left but got lost somewhere in the system. The other one was a Russian, who was meant to be a demure 23-year-old model who loved cleaning. When she turned up at my door step, I found an 18 stone Ukrainian shot putter woman with more hair under her arm pits than my whole head. When I refused to let her in the house, she picked me up, swung me around a few times then let me go. I ended up in the green house and squashed my prize tomatoes.”

It’s Monday, and Rodney awaits his ISIS bride. He hears a knock on the door, and opens it tentatively but with curiosity. What wonders of the East has he invited into his home?

“I opened the door and there was this black thing resembling a bin bag with two eyes looking at me. She looked just like her catalogue picture, so I let her in. The first thing she did was take her shoes off and walk through to the lounge, laid down a prayer mat and started praying. I tried to get a word in edge ways but she told me to shut up. She then got up, and asked me where the bomb making equipment is kept? I pointed to the kitchen.

“From now on your name is Masoud, and you will pray five times a day to Allah. I told her I was Church of England. ‘You will learn to behead infidel dogs just for existing’, she whispered in a strangely seductive manner. She immediately grabbed a long knife from her purse and put it to my neck. Repeat after me ‘lā ʾilāha ʾillā llāh muḥammadun rasūlu llāh’.

“After that, she pulled me upstairs, threw me on the bed and we had the wildest sex I’ve ever had. She was like a wild animal.”

Sadly, after that admission, no one has heard from Rodney or his ISIS bride for weeks now. Some are speculating that they have gone to do Jihad somewhere in Arabia, or Somalia.