The visiting contingent of communist Chinese censors who visited the AlphaGogle campus in Mountain View, California, were said to be impressed at how the American company is adopting their authoritarian techniques in censorship.

“We had just left the Farcebook campus in Palo Alto, when we got a call from Gogle. They explained that there had been some employees who were not so happy with the communist ideology, and that we should come over to re-educate them, as well as give more tips on how to censor non-communists better,” Xing Xao Ming, Chief Comrade in charge of Censorship for the Chinese state’s Information Ministry told Chinese state news Xinhua agency.

Beat down

There’s nothing like a good beating to get things going. The team of Chinese censors asked Gogle employees which one of them was not a supporter of Chairman Mao, or Soviet ideology Marxism.

The Gogle officer pointed out a man sitting in the back, who had been outed earlier after his private emails were read out aloud to everyone assembled.

“We converged on the employee, then tied his hands behind his back, then his feet were tied to his arms tightly so he could barely breathe. I asked an assistant to remove the employees trendy $450 moccasins, and socks. This form of torture and education is accepted fully in China so there was nothing to worry about. We then brought out a long flexible stick and beat the soles of his feet, all the while asking who he pledges allegiance to. At first, the screams were too loud for any words to be understood, but on the 40th stroke, he started to sound like a communist again. ‘Chairman Mao! Chairman Mao!’ he yelped. He was then taken away on a Gogle stretcher with some fresh frappuccino to recover. We then moved on to the next suspect, who was caught uploading a pro-Trump video to YouTube.”

Obey

Chinese communist directive 39744-12 from the little red book states that all employees must pledge allegiance to Chairman Mao, and must abhor any form of free speech or free thought that is not sanctioned by the People’s Chinese Communist Party.

Although Gogle has not yet adhered to the Chinese communist technique of firing squads, there is still time for the company to adapt their working practices to purge the company of any form of dissent.

Information officer, Darcy Hernandez, says that compliance to Gogle authoritarian directives are a must within the global population, as well as employed staff on campus: “If you do not comply to our directives, we delete you, we demonetize you, and we effectively ruin your livelihood. You must adhere to all censors when they come telling you to censor your website because it has a different ideological political message other than communism. Marxism is the only way forward, and we have made this very clear by purging as many websites, and channels from the internet worldwide which we fully control now. We welcomed this week, a group of Chinese censors who very kindly gave us some extra tips, and advised us on best practices to censor non-communist content, and employees who do not agree with our political ideology. You can hide, but we will eventually find you and weed you out. We monitor everything.”

Ah, a good day’s work spreading the Chinese communist message of censorship and thought compliance. Next stop for the censor team, Twatter.