Revealed: The Secret Espionage Tricks Jeremy Corbyn Utilised to Pass Secrets to Soviets

LONDON - England - Cold War espionage secrets have been disclosed in newly-declassified MI5 files which reveal how Soviet spy, Jeremy Corbyn obtained key details of parliament while stalking the halls of Westminster.

Agent Cob

It is revealed how Jeremy Corbyn’s Soviet spymasters had instructed him to throw a copy of Karl Marx’s book Das Kapital over a garden fence in Hyde Park, London, if he wanted to contact them.

It was also revealed how he was told to carry a squash ball when meeting his handler, who would wear a pair of gloves and carry a red carnation as a “recognition signal”.

On another occasion he was instructed to meet his Soviet contacts at a certain table in the Stags Head pub in Islington, north London, and would signal his Soviet handlers by clicking his heels seven and a half times, then spinning around four times whilst whistling the East German anthem a semitone above its normal register.

When in parliament, if MP Jeremy Corbyn picked his nose twice, this would reveal a signal to spies that Margaret Thatcher would not be attending that day, however if he picked his nose then ate the bogie, this signal meant she would be attending. However, if he picked his nose, then smeared the bogie on another MP’s jacket, this would mean the PM would be delayed by a few minutes.

If in danger, Corbyn would signal to his Soviet masters by clucking like a chicken then conducting a series of semi-circle maneuvers whilst simultaneously dragging his left foot behind him and jumping slightly to the left.

Highly Trained Soviet Operative

According to former Soviet spymasters, Jeremy Corbyn was also trained in the usage of many spy tools including special gadgets like listening devices, carrier pigeons and abseiling techniques.

Trained in the dark espionage arts, Corbyn would casually pass on British state secrets to his handlers via carrier pigeon. The specially trained pigeons would be acquired at Trafalgar Square after midnight from on top of the fourth lion statue to the right, then flown to clandestine addresses across London.

House of Commons

The files, released for the first time, disclosed how Corbyn revealed details of Margaret Thatcher’s movements and if she was wearing underwear or not on the day of attendance at the House of Commons. This information was crucial to the Soviets for some reason, and Agent Cob never questioned why.

If Maggie was wearing underwear on the day of attendance, this would be signalled by Jeremy Corbyn with a series of grunts, and he would hold his breath for a few minutes until his face went red. If Corbyn saw that Mrs Thatcher had not worn any underwear, by utilising his Soviet mirror gadget, he would hoot like an owl, then scratch his crotch four times whilst moving backwards.

One of Corbyn’s contacts, Agent 9, would hold a red book in his hands whenever they met. This signal meant that it was okay to talk freely, however if he held a black book, this would mean that they had to go elsewhere to converse.

Corbyn was also trained in stealth techniques, as well as military grade combat. His shoes were specially fitted with spikes laced with deadly poison, and would be deployed by clicking the heels three times.

As a last resort, Agent Cob was also given a cyanide pill just in case he was ever found out by the British secret services and interrogated.