Brainless socialite and social networking celebrity, Kylie Jenner stated today that she has gone off orange juice.
The Chicago Board of Trade saw orange juice futures (ICE) plunge over 60% wiping off billions in seconds.
“Folks were buying and buying, like something out of Trading Places, then some schmuck puts up a post Kylie Jenner just updated on her Instagram. The calls for sell were so loud that my ears started to bleed. When the bell went off there were people lying in the pits with nosebleeds, suits ripped and paper everywhere,” one exhausted trader, who sadly lost $850,000 today revealed.
Last week, oil futures jumped 45% on Thursday when Kyle Jenner tweeted that she was so glad she filled her gold laminated Range Rover SUV with petrol, and that oil was a really amazing thing that made cars move.
Market analysts for leading Wall Street firm, Shaboing and Shaboing, are baffled and confused and don’t know what each day holds.
“We know that this dumb broad has a brain the size of a pea, but she has clever people controlling her marketing. We also know that they’re making money from the girl, and tell her what to say. So in the morning, they buy up shitloads of x stock whilst it’s sitting at the bottom. Midday they make a post on Instagram and tell Kylie Jenner to say she likes x product a lot. Literally in seconds the stock price shoots up some, and they make a killing. Goes for shorting too. The only thing is it’s all fake market manipulation, and frankly stinks like her dad’s old jock strap.”
Trading Tips: Watch out for Pork Bellies futures next week on Tuesday when Kylie Jenner writes about bacon on Instagram.