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Comrade Brown Orders Arrest of Traitor to the People Damien Green

by Emily Ducasse
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Comrade Brown Orders Arrest of Traitor to the People Damien Green

Comrade Ian Blair Chief Commissar of the Stasi today had a big grin on his face because of his final parting shot before he retires to his dacha in the countryside for early retirement.

Comrade Blair (no relation to the traitor of the people and capitalist scum, Tony Blair) enjoyed a last supper of cabbage soup with Comrade Brown at Number Ten Downing Street before retiring to his dacha in Sector 101.

There were soviet scones served at the table which were made from specially fermented cabbage and even some cabbage profiteroles served up by Comrade Brown’s wife, Comrade Sarah Brown.

“Comrades, I ordered Stasi officers headed by Commissar Blair to arrest a vile traitor to the soviet Vision of Change this morning. He will be summarily arrested and beaten with sticks until he confesses his crimes to the state.

“The Etonionite capitalists have been dealt a blow, if they say anything against our Ten Year Plan Vision of Change they will also be arrested.

“There are still enclaves of this Bullingdonianite faction out there and they will be rooted out like the yellow dogs they are and hunted. Borick Johnson, Cameron and that free-market democracy loving scum George Osborne. These vile merchants of democratic process are an affront to the Brown Vision of Era of Ten Year Plan and Change.

“Of course comrades, I will deny any knowledge of their arrest to the proles. It is the old trick of deny everything and admit to nothing.”

Notice to all, there will be no dissent to the state system of Brownism. Our great unelected leader, Comrade Brother Brown has made examples of many who have been arrested and are now enjoying the benefits of 42 years hard labour and re-reducation in gulags all over Soviet Britain.

Predictive programming is also being utilised so that the populations are used to the new regime of change and thoughtcrimes will be punished at every juncture. If any prole witnesses any dissent to the state or any thoughtcrimes, please report the offender to the nearest Stasi council official.

Comrades, you have all been warned.

Teenage Murderers To Be Let Off If They Say Sorry Under New Plans

by Emily Ducasse
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Teenage Murderers To Be Let Off If They Say Sorry Under New Plans

 

First-time murderers given a Youth Restorative Disposal will receive no formal record provided they do not murder again.

The architects of the YRD, to be tested in eight counties, say it will give 10 to 17-year-olds who commit ‘low-level knife and gun crimes’ a chance to ‘take responsibility’ for their actions.

Justice Minister David Pansonfya said: ‘The court system is daily full of these minor murder offences . Our remit is to lower the workload so that we can carry on busting innocent motorists for speeding offences and bin mismanagement offences.

‘Stabbings and shootings are considered minor offences and are so prevalent in British society under Labour’s regime that we have taken the measures we feel are necessary in dealing with this situation.

‘By introducing the “Say you’re sorry” option for the police, all first time murder offences committed by teens will result in a short sharp ticking off and the problem will be solved.

‘It also frees up the police to deal with more serious offences like speeding, littering and road tax offences.’

But critics are likely to seize on the measure as another move towards ‘soft’ justice.

Adult offenders can already escape first time stabbing offences with a caution if they agree to apologise,
while shoplifters and thieves routinely escape with just a pat on the back and a nod.

Whitehall figures to be released today are expected to confirm this march towards summary justice, with more than
half of all murder offences now punished outside the courts. Fatal stabbings in England reached a low of 2300 deaths in October alone, a 12% drop from August, according to Whitehall.

 

Tory justice spokesman Nick Herberts said: ‘I remember the days when murderers were tried and sentenced even for their first murder offence’.

He added: ‘If these disposals prevent further offending then they could have a role, but they must be used properly.’

Occasions when a YRD could be used include a chav scum hoodie who says sorry for stabbing a pensioner boarding a bus or an armed thug who apologises for shooting a schoolboy in the head so he can have his i-pod.

The Youth Justice Board, which is in charge of the scheme, gave the example of two children who have a gun fight after school. Potentially-they could receive a conviction for causing actual bodily harm.

But by agreeing to hold talks together with a ‘restorative justice’ official, and apologising, they would escape any punishment.

YJB chairman Francesca Cone said: ‘It gives a young person who commits murder for the first time a chance to take responsibility for their actions and improve their behaviour, or even their technique.

‘We believe this is a positive way to reduce the likelihood of reoffending.’

Police backed the sanction saying it will cut down on paperwork.

Officers will decide to use it ‘on the spot’ and try to bring the criminal and victim (if still alive) together immediately to save on form filling.

Assistant Chief Constable Ian Shannon of North Wales Police said: ‘Many times the victim is barely alive but as long as the teenage killer says sorry then they can be pardoned, we also allow the killers to say sorry to their dead victims relatives.’

The YJB said a young criminal can receive an unlimited amount of YRD’s.

Officials said it prevents ‘young people from being drawn into the criminal justice system unnecessarily, which is costly in time and resources and may not be the best way to deal with a young person who commits a
low-level murder crime as their first offence’.

The YJB said that in some cases the apology would be backed by a plan to ‘make good any damage’.

Serious crimes, such as speeding, recycling bin crimes and late tax payments, are excluded from the scheme.

Earlier this year the Daily Squib reported how the increased use of on-the-spot fines had meant so few criminals were now being sent to court that magistrates’ courts had cut their hours.

A leaked letter to Staffordshire magistrates said the drop was ‘directly attributable to increased use of fixed penalties and notices by the police and Crown Prosecution Service’.

 

Comrade Darling’s Wonderful Tax Gifts for the People

by Emily Ducasse
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Comrade Darling’s Wonderful Tax Gifts for the People

Speaking  from the Westminster Duma, comrade Darling announced the changes in taxation for the masses with his usual high-pitched squeaky voice:

VOLGA GAZ

“Comrades, I have partaken in the age old trick of giving with one hand and taking with the other. Indeed, comrades, this is a trick which I have learnt from my master mentor who I follow at every point, of course I am talking of the one and only supreme unelected comrade Brown. I give you a tiny VAT cut, then I add on fuel duty, I give you all such delightful gifts, like huge income tax rises and National Insurance rises to keep you all warm in winter. Indeed, fellow citizens and workers of the great Old Labour Soviet party, we are reverting to our true roots, our red core of Soviet hardship and toil, of Comrade Brown’s 10 year plan in the New Era of Change.”

Fuel tax under the Soviet Labour regime makes up 74% of the price of petrol. Everytime you fill your Trabants and Ladas up comrades you can rest assured that you are helping the Soviet state’s Industrial ten year plan.

£1 trillion debt

There was further good news from Comrade Brown when he spoke of the trillion pound taxpayers bill which is yet to come:

“Comrades, workers, Bolshevik warriors and proles, I am also announcing the wonderful tax bombshell that will slowly come into fruition. Yes, comrades, soon all taxes will increase at an even higher rate than they ever have and all of this purely because I like you all so much. Remember to work hard comrades, because instead of working six months of the year to make any profit for yourself you will now be working nine months in the year to make any profit.”

There was also even further good news when the capitalist vile dogs were all ordered to leave Britain or pay 45% income tax.

“The vile capitalist scum who worked hard for their money should be punished severely. This is why I plan on increasing their income tax to such a high level and redistributing their money to people who really need it like benefits cheats, alcoholics, druggies, wasters, hoodies and peasant scum with twenty kids and no jobs. It is the Labour creed which has created a benefits culture in this country where people are rewarded for scrounging off the state and those who work hard to support themselves are punished hard.”

Palin Accuses McCain of Fraternizing With Terrorists

by Emily Ducasse
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Palin Accuses McCain of Fraternizing With Terrorists

Speaking from her Alaskan cabin, an indignant Sarah Palin spoke of her anger and dismay at seeing John McCain switch sides and talk with terrorists.

John McCain was photographed last week in Chicago talking with a known “terrorist” as Sarah Palin put it.

“I am disgusted with John McCain, here is a guy who I used to look down to, he gave me a break when I needed it most and now he’s talking to terrorists? He is palling around with terrorists who would target their own country What the hell is going on? Since when are we Americans talking to terrorists? Shit..we don’t talk to terrorists…we shoot ’em!”

Governor Palin was in fact so indignant with rage that she had to go and shoot a few moose with one of her high powered rifles to get some of the anger out.

The Alaska governor, who is credited with the Democrats winning the election in 2008 is also planning to campaign for the presidential election in 2012 — we can therefore count on another Democrat win then.

George W Bush Secures Six-Figure Book Deal for Memoirs

by Emily Ducasse
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George W Bush Secures Six-Figure Book Deal for Memoirs

The former President of
the United States of America, George W Bush, has been commissioned to write his memoirs and plans to complete the project in the form of an instructional manual.

The
president was offered a six-figure sum as an advance to complete the
tell-all tome. The six-figure sum of 900,000 Iraqi Dinars is
worth more than $200 at the current exchange rate.

The publishing arm of the Daily Squib brokered the deal with the ex-president’s handlers yesterday at Mr Bush’s ranch in Texas.

The riveting read will expose the inner workings of the President and his cabal of White House aides over the years.

The
book will form the centrepiece to his term in office and will also be
utilised in American schools along with other Presidential favourites
like “My Pet Goat”.

The book will also come with a set of black and white crayons and will signify Mr Bush’s worldview.

Sarah Palin Turkey Milkshake Recipe Revealed

by Emily Ducasse
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Sarah Palin Turkey Milkshake Recipe Revealed

Sarah Palin, the Republican senator who won it for the Dems in the election, demonstrated her prowess of keeping interviewers at ease during a Turkey milkshake blending session.

It is an Alaskan tradition, especially in the Palin household to have turkey milkshakes for thanksgiving with the roast moose.

Reporters who could see the bloody work of an employee at Triple D Farm Hatchery in the background, asked the aspiring president what made the day so important to her and asked how the turkey milkshakes are prepared.

“Yes, we use a big blender and put the whole turkey right in there, add a bit of malt, some milk and a squirt of ol’ Uncle Farley’s moonshine and you’re there. It tastes divine and i’m honoured to be here this year during the annual turkey blend,” Palin told the interviewer for local Alaskan tv network KTUU from Anchorage.

Alaskan turkey shakes are considered a great delicacy, however moose shakes are in even higher demand in some parts of Alaska, so much so that there are queues round the block when some diners announce them on the menu.

“Turkey shakes are very nutritious and the right food for this kind of environment. I mean it’s goddamn freezing up here so we need all the nutrients we can get. Nothin’ gets wasted here, we put the whole animal head first in the blender, hmm hmm good eats,” Earl Pervis, a worker at the turkey farm told the reporters.

The turkeys are all blended in industrial sized blenders which blend to such a high level that the milkshakes that are produced do not have any offending chunks or bits left.

Gordon Brown: Proles Guilty of Thoughtcrimes Will Be Punished

by Emily Ducasse
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Gordon Brown: Proles Guilty of Thoughtcrimes Will Be Punished

Speaking from the Westminster Duma, Comrade Gordon Brown, supreme unelected leader of the British Soviet people detailed new directives to erase the public’s memories and to punish thoughtcrimes committed by the prole masses.

“Comrades, I understand that some members of the prole masses have been found to be guilty of thoughtcrimes, they actually want justice for child murderers and the introduction of just laws for child abuse. Under the Labour New Era of Change, we must protect child murderers with anonymity, they must be given new identities and protected with taxpayers money, they must be given luxuries and mollycoddled for their heinous crimes against children.

“Instead, we will name and shame those who want justice, we will name and shame those who speed in their Trabant’s down our Britsh Soviet highways, we must punish those who show dissent against the great Soviet state and ask for justice. Comrades, comrades (cheering from the assembled gallery of high Labour officials), we must at all costs protect the jobs of high party officials who turn a blind eye to child abuse so that they can keep their Soviet pension plans intact, it is imperative that all thoughtcrimes are stamped out immediately.

“This is why comrades, I have ordered Stasi officers to root out any thoughtcrimes, especially those pertaining to those proles who think child rapists and child murderers should have the blanket of state endorsement lifted from their heads.

“As of tomorrow, I have ordered the Commissar for CCTV and Surveillance, Jacqui Smith to name and shame anyone who has sex with prostitutes (95% of Westminster Duma looks away in fear nervously). Commissar Smith will root out anyone who is not a high ranking Labour official (sighs of relief around the Duma) who pays for sex. Furthermore, any prole who does not fill their bins properly or who does not put their cardboard or plastic bottles in the correct bin will be named and shamed as well as flogged in the streets by public officials.

“On a good note comrades, I have ordered increased surveillance in all zones for the coming winter celebration of collectivization and Bolshevik revolution. I also would like to honour the brave workers of our great Soviet British state by announcing extra sugar rations of three cubes per family this winter, there will also be an extra allowance of two twigs of firewood for your furnaces per week this winter, yes, you heard right..per week comrades.”

In other news, Alfie Noakes, 13, of Sector 36 will be commended at 12 noon tomorrow in Red Square for his splendid Soviet spirit in reporting his father Reggie Noakes, 45, for not recycling a cardboard pizza box properly. Vile terrorist of the state, Reggie Noakes will serve a 42 year detention in gulag C6, Sector 101 (Northern England).

Notice: B64362 INGSOCK – Long Live Comrade Brown

Oxford Scholars Debate Which Circle of Hell Baby P's Killers Will Enter

by Emily Ducasse
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Oxford Scholars Debate Which Circle of Hell Baby P's Killers Will Enter

As people all across England have come together in shared condemnation of Baby P’s killers, so too have another group of people: scholars at Oxford University.

Alfred Funkhauser, more affectionately known as Alfie to his friends, has started a discussion group with fellow scholars at Oxford. They meet twice a week to discuss which theoretical Circle of Hell Baby P’s killers will wind up in when they finally meet their sticky ends.

Alfred tells The Daily Squib, “The discussions have been more complex than most people would think as the killers have all committed so many sins that it’s difficult to say which Circle of Hell they would wind up in first. But we have all agreed so far that Tr*cey Co**elly and St*ven B*rker would almost certainly be rushed straight down to Circle 9 if they were to die today.”

When The Daily Squib contacted Father Guido Anselmi at The Vatican to ask him his feelings about this scholarly group he replied that: “It’s certainly an interesting topic of debate, although I’m not quite sure that Dante would have anyone descending to Circle 9 quite so rapidly without a fair amount of pain from the previous 8 Circles of Hell first.”

“Father Anselmi does have a point,” said Alfred Funkhauser.

“For instance, it’s well known that cowards and unrepentant non-believers generally descend to Circle 1 first where there is a suitable amount of teeth gnashing going on. Tr*cey Co**elly, St*ven B*rker and J*son Ow*n would all easily fit into that category.”

“One of the members of our group has the belief that St*ven B*rker is more likely to visit Circle 2 immediately as he had a fair amount of blood lust going on there with his love of torture and Nazism. Myself, however, I would be more likely to whisk Steven Barker straight down to Circle 7 where murderers, blasphemers and those who commit the mortal sins of suicide and sodomy go.

“The police reported that large scale vibrators were found belonging to St*ven B*rker right after he was arrested, so I think it’s safe to say that he would have just as interesting a time in Circle 7 as he’s going to have in prison. Then again, Steven might perversely enjoy having Harpies beating him with thorny branches of trees, so skipping Circle 7 altogether may be a good idea.”

“On the other hand, we have Baby P’s mother Tr*cey Co**elly, who wallowed in gluttony and perversion as her excessive love of food and the child pics found on her computer can attest to, so I would have her journey begin in Circle 3. Gluttony is one of the 7 deadly sins, you know”

“J*son Ow*n claimed to know nothing about the abuse or the murder, yet he was recorded on CCTV trying to frantically dump Baby P’s blood-drenched clothes right after the incident. I believe it’s fair to call him a deceiver of the worst kind and send him straight to Circle 8 without looking back. Virgil called fraud a form of malice which it most certainly is, and Jason most assuredly deserves the hardcore treatment he’ll get there.”

Where Tr*cey Co**elly, St*ven B*rker and J*son Ow*n’s souls will go when they die is anybody’s guess, but Dante’s Inferno would certainly be a fitting end for them — it’s just too bad that there are no CCTV cameras at the gates of hell so we can see the looks on their faces when they read the sign that says: Abandon Every Hope, Ye Who Enter.

British Nazi Party Ashamed of Their Own Racism

by Emily Ducasse
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British Nazi Party Ashamed of Their Own Racism

British Nazis were left reeling today when someone with a pair of huge brass balls posted a list of their names on the Internet.

The lists included thousands of Daily Mail readers who responded to the ‘outing’ with cowardly outrage at being exposed as their true selves.

It seems the racist cowards are not so courageous when the spotlight is suddenly upon them.

Take for example Joseph Hitler, 43, a mild mannered meathead who works as a policeman for Staffordshire council: “This is absolutely awful, I have been crying into my truncheon all morning, the media will now think that i’m a racist and that there is racism in the police force. What is going to happen to the forces squeaky clean non-racist image? Booh hoo.. ooh I think I wet meself!”

The utter shock that there are racists working amongst the police forces of England is sure to destabilise the whole system.

In other news, the Pope is linked to Catholicism and bears regularly defecate in the woods.

‘Yellow Cowards’

It seems the yellow piss-stained racists are a bunch of cowards.

“If you’re going to be racist you should not be an anonymous coward about it. Get up there and be responsible for your actions, not a f*cking yellow cowardly chicken,” Ranjit Gulawala, a restaurant owner from Southall told the Daily Mail.

It was also revealed in the published lists that a lot of the BNP members enjoy a good curry and vindaloo down their local curry house. Of course they do, almost certainly, the kitchen staff working in these establishments also enjoy embellishing the served up delights to the known racists with gallons of urine, faeces, ejaculate, snot and spittle.

Lap it up BNP, lap it up. Enjoy your just desserts.

The Amazing 60 Minute Haringey Council Meeting That Sealed Baby P’s Fate

by Emily Ducasse
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The Amazing 60 Minute Haringey Council Meeting That Sealed Baby P’s Fate

The Daily Squib has learned that a crucial meeting designed to determine whether Baby P was to remain in his mother’s care was hampered from the start when Haringey Council social service managers spent 45 minutes trying to decide what name to call their meeting and an additional 15 minutes debating where they should go drinking at afterwards.

After 15 months of paperwork dedicated to the case of Baby P piled up on Haringey’s Director of Children and Young People’s Services desk, Sharon Shoesmith finally decided that it was time to call a meeting. Shoesmith was worried that her £100,000 a year job may come to an
end should Baby P die and this was beginning to frighten her.

Photographs of Baby P were littered in files on Sharon Shoesmith’s desk documenting injuries that included fingernails pulled off with pliers, broken ribs, a broken back, missing teeth and various bruises.

Social worker Maria Ward had assured her managers that Baby P “was just accident prone” and that Tr*cey Co**elly’s Nazi sadist boyfriend St*ven B*rker was “a jolly good chap” who had kindly taken his criminal brother into their household as authorities were after him.

“They spare no expense when it comes to splashing out on Baby P,” Maria Ward had stated in records. “Why, the last time I saw the cute little mite he was covered from head to toe in chocolate. If anything, I would say that Baby P is spoiled rotten.”

“On some visits to Baby P’s house I have noticed that he is wearing 5 layers of tight clothing which sometimes makes him gasp for air. But it is clear to me that Baby P’s mother just enjoys lavishing money on him and dressing him in the finest chav clothes available.”

Once the meeting to decide Baby P’s fate was called, Sharon Shoesmith insisted that a name must be given for it so she could send memos around afterwards.

Instead of looking at the 47 folders detailing the life of Baby P at the hands of his torturers, our Daily Squib informant was shocked to discover that key social service workers and managers sat at the meeting trying to decide what they should call it.

“Let’s call it The Baby P Meeting,” one social worker said.

“No, that’s too bloody obvious, innit,” a manager said.

Tempers flared and arguments resounded across the room as name after name was called out.

Once a name was finally given to the meeting 45 minutes later, one of the managers said they were so stressed out with having to come up with a name that they needed to head down to the pub soon.

After the word pub was mentioned, social workers and managers took a vote to decide where they should eat after the meeting.

Our informant said, “I’m sorry to say that as soon as everyone heard the word pub mentioned that was the end of the meeting. There was a vote that lasted 15 minutes to decide which pub they should go drinking at and by the time they were finished with that the 60 minutes was up and the meeting was adjourned without ever having once discussed the details of Baby P’s life.”

“If that isn’t an indictment on Haringey Council, I don’t know what is.”

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