17.7 C
London
Tuesday, April 23, 2024
secret satire society
HomeWorldOxford Scholars Debate Which Circle of Hell Baby P's Killers Will Enter

Oxford Scholars Debate Which Circle of Hell Baby P's Killers Will Enter

LONDON - England - While most people are still in shock over the brutal murder of Baby P, some scholars at Oxford University have taken a rather unusual approach to the subject -- they're debating which Circle of Hell Baby P's killers will enter upon their death.

As people all across England have come together in shared condemnation of Baby P’s killers, so too have another group of people: scholars at Oxford University.

Alfred Funkhauser, more affectionately known as Alfie to his friends, has started a discussion group with fellow scholars at Oxford. They meet twice a week to discuss which theoretical Circle of Hell Baby P’s killers will wind up in when they finally meet their sticky ends.

Alfred tells The Daily Squib, “The discussions have been more complex than most people would think as the killers have all committed so many sins that it’s difficult to say which Circle of Hell they would wind up in first. But we have all agreed so far that Tr*cey Co**elly and St*ven B*rker would almost certainly be rushed straight down to Circle 9 if they were to die today.”

When The Daily Squib contacted Father Guido Anselmi at The Vatican to ask him his feelings about this scholarly group he replied that: “It’s certainly an interesting topic of debate, although I’m not quite sure that Dante would have anyone descending to Circle 9 quite so rapidly without a fair amount of pain from the previous 8 Circles of Hell first.”

“Father Anselmi does have a point,” said Alfred Funkhauser.

“For instance, it’s well known that cowards and unrepentant non-believers generally descend to Circle 1 first where there is a suitable amount of teeth gnashing going on. Tr*cey Co**elly, St*ven B*rker and J*son Ow*n would all easily fit into that category.”

“One of the members of our group has the belief that St*ven B*rker is more likely to visit Circle 2 immediately as he had a fair amount of blood lust going on there with his love of torture and Nazism. Myself, however, I would be more likely to whisk Steven Barker straight down to Circle 7 where murderers, blasphemers and those who commit the mortal sins of suicide and sodomy go.

“The police reported that large scale vibrators were found belonging to St*ven B*rker right after he was arrested, so I think it’s safe to say that he would have just as interesting a time in Circle 7 as he’s going to have in prison. Then again, Steven might perversely enjoy having Harpies beating him with thorny branches of trees, so skipping Circle 7 altogether may be a good idea.”

“On the other hand, we have Baby P’s mother Tr*cey Co**elly, who wallowed in gluttony and perversion as her excessive love of food and the child pics found on her computer can attest to, so I would have her journey begin in Circle 3. Gluttony is one of the 7 deadly sins, you know”

“J*son Ow*n claimed to know nothing about the abuse or the murder, yet he was recorded on CCTV trying to frantically dump Baby P’s blood-drenched clothes right after the incident. I believe it’s fair to call him a deceiver of the worst kind and send him straight to Circle 8 without looking back. Virgil called fraud a form of malice which it most certainly is, and Jason most assuredly deserves the hardcore treatment he’ll get there.”

Where Tr*cey Co**elly, St*ven B*rker and J*son Ow*n’s souls will go when they die is anybody’s guess, but Dante’s Inferno would certainly be a fitting end for them — it’s just too bad that there are no CCTV cameras at the gates of hell so we can see the looks on their faces when they read the sign that says: Abandon Every Hope, Ye Who Enter.

  Daily Squib Book

  DAILY SQUIB BOOK The Perfect Gift or can also be used as a doorstop. Grab a piece of internet political satire history encapsulating 15 years of satirical works. The Daily Squib Anthology REVIEWS: "The author sweats satire from every pore" | "Overall, I was surprised at the wit and inventedness of the Daily Squib Compendium. It's funny, laugh out loud funny" | "Would definitely recommend 10/10" | "This anthology serves up the choicest cuts from a 15-year reign at the top table of Internet lampoonery" | "Every time I pick it up I see something different which is a rarity in any book"

1 COMMENT

  1. I am a middle aged grandma, not at all violent. Will these three suffer in prison for what they have done, can someone make sure that they do? I do hope so.

Comments are closed.

- Advertisment -

NEWS ON THE HOUR

curtis-press
curtis-press
curtis-press
curtis-press

MORE NEWS

THE DAILY SQUIB ANTHOLOGY

The definitive book of Juvenalian satire and uncanny prophesies that somehow came true. This is an anthology encompassing 15 years of Squib satire on the internet compiled and compressed into one tiddly book. Buy the Book Now!

Translate »