17.7 C
London
Friday, December 19, 2025
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 720

US Finds Oil in Gulf of Mexico

3

Speaking from the White House’s Rose Garden, the president announced the oil find to whoops and cheers from the expectant press corps.

“I just heard we struck oil folks. We got more than we ever seen. It’s just gushing out of the ocean. This could be a massive well right there and I’m very excited for the economy. America uses 40% of the world’s oil resources, so the more oil we can get to run our billions of SUV’s and trucks the better huh.”

All across America there was a collective sigh of relief after the oil find was announced.

“We had to invade Iraq to get their oil and that’s nearly all gone, so now this new oil find has really made me happy. We got shitloads of oil in our own back yard and then some. Shucks, we have been saved I tells ya,” Ed Sasquatch, a resident of Detroit told CNN.

Eurozone Countries Renamed as Numbered Sectors

0

“Germany will be known as sector 1 within the eurozone, then I guess it’s France as sector 2 in order of importance. I guess we can then put Ireland as number 3, then going down the list the PIGS countries of Portugal, Italy, Greece and Spain. Below that we have the minor Eastern European countries. From now on all of these old countries will be known as sectors. Any EU citizen who refers to the sectors with their previous names will be prosecuted and sent to an EU re-education camp,” EU president in sector 2a (previously Belgium), Herman Van Rompuy told Le Figaro.

The new EU directive was announced on Thursday evening and was implemented by the Friday.

All EU countries have also been ordered to erase any references to their previous country names in all school text books, library books and any form of literature.

Britain’s CGT Mass Exodus Marathon Starts Soon

The new coalition government last week revealed their wonderful plan to increase capital gains tax to over 50% on all non-business assets which will be implemented in June.

Labour ministers have been gloating at the decrepit feeble coalition.

“We’ve got an ineffectual emasculated bunch of castrated Tories who are frankly yellow to the core. Then we’ve got the Lib-Dems who are basically like our Labour party, good-for-nothing pseudo Marxists on some kind of demented power trip to redistribute Britain’s wealth and give away billions of pounds to welfare scroungers. That’s why with the new CGT directive, everyone and their uncle are selling up and moving out. Soon all these babbling baboons will have, will be a ghost country full of benefits scroungers and tumbleweed. This bunch of morons will do more damage to the economy than we could have ever hoped,” a laughing Labour minister told the Mirror.

By punishing the people who have been prudent savers, the Con-Dem government have condemned Britain to another recession which will be worse than the first one.

“There is nothing to aspire to in Britain because if you save, if you work hard to earn money, it will be taken away from you and given to the black hole welfare state debt maelstrom of shit. We’re all fucked because of Cameron’s weakness, he’s a babbling baby with no bollocks of any kind. Sell up and leave
forever because it will only get worse
,” a Westminster insider revealed today.

Iron Woman 2: Sequel Thrills Film Fans with 3D Ironing Action

Among so many movies based on male comic book super heroes, the Iron Woman franchise is a breath of fresh steam. It combines intense ironing action, comedy and sweaty charisma in a way that pleases ironing fans and raises the bar for other summer blockbusters.

Iron Woman 2 starts almost immediately with a shot of an iron going across a shirt, you can see the steam, you can feel the temperature as the iron glides effortlessly across the shirt. The heroine of the movie is a housewife named Doris Monkwirth, who by day iron’s her husbands clothes and by night stacks them away in the wardrobe.

The cast is really quite fantastic. Sheila Acosta brings so much to Doris Monkwirth, making her someone the audience can actually sympathize with. Rupert Denny also breathes life into the typical “over-stressed husband wanting his f*cking t-shirt ironed pronto,” as Billy Batts. At one point after ordering the Iron Woman to “Iron my goddamn shirt,” she is seen taking the scorching iron and shoving it where the sun don’t shine. Watch out for his yelp of pain and eyes bulging out of his skull, both of which are sources of several laughs.

What is definitely not ignored is the ironing; there is plenty of torrid ironing action and clammy excitement and all of it is presented well. You see shots of the iron on the ironing board, then the Iron Woman sensually moving the iron across an astounding assortment of garments. There are some amazing overhead and panning camera shots of the iron.

The film’s director Gina Grosstein said: “This movie is great. I get women coming up to me who have never ironed or done any form of housework before in their lives saying they loved this movie and how it has inspired them. Some of them even said that they hoped to pick up an iron and get ironing at home. Who would have thought it possible?”

Iron Woman 2 has now overtaken Ridley Scott’s Robin Hood at the Box Office and will be out on general release in the UK after July 2015.

Gordon Brown to be Prosecuted for High Treason

0

“Gordon Brown is to be arrested for high treason, corruption, war crimes, robbery, deception, counterfeiting money, fraud and treacherous sabotage. He has committed many horrid offences, some too awful and disgusting to reveal here. Under his regime of corruption and lies, Britain was taken to the brink of destruction and now the people will have to suffer for many generations because of his profligate ways. This guy recklessly spent every penny and more and what do we have to show for it? Nothing!” prosecuting attorney, Lord Reginald Tory said at the High Court.

Police forces across the UK were searching for Mr Brown yesterday after the warrant was announced. He was last seen in his Scottish constituency of Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath and could have fled to the local forests in the region.

“We have mobilised hundreds of helicopters for an air search as well as thousands of officers and army personnel for the ground search. If any civilians come across this man, be warned, he is very dangerous and all it takes is for him to open his mouth to speak and you will fall into a permanent coma,” police chief for the Kirkcaldy constabulary told the BBC.

The Queen’s speech yesterday at the opening of parliament revealed the full extent of the damage committed by Gordon Brown and his evil cronies on Britain’s economy and people: “One has called for the immediate arrest of the traitor, Gordon Brown who has caused untold damage to one’s country. The one-eyed Scottish twat has caused even more damage than Diana or Fergie put together and that’s saying something. Because of that wasteful spendthrift useless shister, one now has to travel on the underground and on Ryanair to complete one’s public duties. Orf with his head I say, or how about a good slow hanging for him, then display his bloody head on a stick at the Tower.”

EU Asks Germany to Bail Out Duchess of York

0

EU economists are now urging Germany to bail out Britain’s Duchess of York, who is in deep trouble at the moment after spending lots of money she doesn’t have on very expensive things and living in luxury – much like the Greek government.

“I got a call from Herman today and he wants us to give Fergie a few million pounds so that she can carry on with her spending sprees. I said, sure, why not. We Germans are very gullible and we like to be taken for a ride. Besides, the Windsors are all bloody German anyway. Of course you have heard of the Saxe-Coburg-Gothas? Fergie is not really part of that clan, but she married into it at one point,” Chancellor Merkel told Germany’s Scheisse News Network.

After hearing the wonderful news, the Duchess immediately caught a first class flight to the South of France to continue spending money like water.

Duchess of York Sells Daughter to Saudi Sheikh

1

There was no toe-sucking involved, no hushed brown envelopes being passed around, this was all quite above board and perfectly legal — in Saudi Arabia.

Speaking from the Hyatt in Jeddah, the Duchess of York announced the sale of her daughter to the world’s press: “I have managed to secure my future for another three or four months. I sold the good looking
one,
princess Eugenie, to the Saudi prince for a good price. He did try to haggle with me at first but I had none of that. I had previously tried to sell off my other daughter, the ugly bug-eyed horse-toothed one, but he only had eyes for Eugenie. She’s quite the looker.”

“How much for your daughter?”

There was some speculation on the price of the transaction, but the Duchess was tight-lipped about the exact sum.

The Saudi prince who bought princess Eugenie has vowed to treat her better than his other concubines and will even allow her out of her cage twice a day.

Prince Abdul bin Abdullah Mohammed Sheikh is said to be worth over $2 billion and was keen to get new Western slaves for his harem.

“He was bored with the Russian and Eastern European girls, he wants more Anglo girls. Before any sale he has to test the teeth, and it is safe to say the Windsor teeth of princess Eugenie pleased him very much. She is a real thoroughbred. Also re-sale value does not go down too much after use so he is very pleased with his new acquisition,” the prince’s attache told reporters.

Banker Screams Like Little Girl After Being Spooked

“He was spooked by a little kitten that had sneaked into the building and he sold off 23 million client shares after pressing the sell button. This in turn made all the other scared bankers sell everything as well. By that time London was selling too, and then Japan got in the act. The jitters are really bad I tell you,” Dave Harwick, senior analyst at Yellow Stain Securities told the Financial Times.

Last week another banker was suddenly frightened when a cleaner accidentally touched his keyboard with a feather duster. The banker in his fit of fright jumped up screaming like a little girl and sold all his shares to make a huge loss for the bank.

All over the banking sector many frightened bankers are now so scared that they need adult nappies when at work.

“We’ve got a real problem here. I’ve seen French soldiers in WW2 with more courage than these bankers. We’ve had to introduce adult nappies into our trading rooms otherwise there would be an unholy stink mess all over the floors. God help us what a bunch of f*cking p*ssies,” Jane Cojones, a secretary at a London investment bank revealed on Friday.

One Trillion Euros Now Worth About Thirty Bucks

“I just went to buy some groceries, a loaf of bread, a bag of tomatoes and some toilet roll. 85 trillion euros they charged me! I’m bloomin’ livid I am. It’s those bloody krauts and their stinkin’ riches,” Stavros Lazyitis told Greek national radio.

It is not just in Greece however where the euro cash problem is having a detrimental effect. All over the eurozone the carnage is evident as many are reduced to paying for even the tiniest of goods in trillion euro denominations.

“I bought my three year old daughter a lollipop this morning. It was 2.5 trillion euros, so I only had a 20 trillion note on me, well you can guess what happened next. The shopkeeper had to go to the back of the shop and get a shopping trolly load of money to give me the f*cking change. It’s those bloody Greeks what done it and we’re in this bloody mess. Innit?” Helga Gothenberg, from Hamburg told Germany’s Deutsche satellite network channel.

South African World Cup Mugging Season Set to Begin

“We’re gearing up for our own kind of world cup. The only balls that will be involved however will be the rich football supporters who we will kick very hard between their legs so we can extract their wallet,” Jimbo Mobutu, a Soweto resident who is getting ready for some serious mugging action this summer.

With the influx of rich football fans, armed carjackers are set to have a field day on the unsuspecting football tourists.

“It’s going to be like Christmas all over again. As soon as they come off the planes we will be onto them like a bluebottle fly gets onto a steaming dog turd,” Mr Mobutu added.