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Home Blog Page 721

EU Orders Greece Name Change

World

June 2, 2011

“From now on the former country of Greece will only be known as Sector 17,” Trichet explained to the EU parliament on Wednesday.

As well as losing its sovereign status, the former nation of Greece will also be owned by Germany (Sector 1) and will be used as a glorified holiday camp for its citizens.

“We use that place to go to when we need some sun and sea. It’s a pretty useless place otherwise,” Gunther Mathias, a German holidaymaker told the Berlin Times.

The unfortunate purchase by Germany (Sector 1) was the result of Sector 17 defaulting on its huge loans whilst juggling a 500 billion euro deficit. It now has a credit rating below Montenegro.

“We gave them the money. They didn’t pay. We own their country now. It’s really that simple,” an EU official told French (Sector 2) newspaper, Le Figaro, yesterday.

And what of the poor old former Greeks, who have effectively been emasculated?

“When the Germans come, we provide them with fresh towels, mezze and ouzo. If we do that, our masters look after us. We are their pets. It is lucky that they let us live,” Stavros Constantinos, a restaurant owner from Rhodes told the island’s local news station.

Arnie Likes ‘Ugly Chicks’

Entertainment

Dean West

June 1, 2011

“The uglier they are, the more horny I get. Say if they look like matrons, Russian shot putters or female weightlifters, I just can’t help myself. I have to have them,” Schwarzenegger confessed to an American tabloid newspaper on Tuesday.

Schwarzenegger is so enamoured by ugly chicks that he wants to make a new film about his obsession and is touting a script around Hollywood.

“My wife, she’s ugly, but I wanted even more. I want to see warts with hairs growing out of them, female moustaches and shoulders that you can land an aircraft carrier on. Give me Barbara Bush’s hanging stringy teats and prune skin over any luscious, pert breasted nubile young floozy any day. If they have hunchbacks, shit, that turns me on so much it does not bear thinking about. You haven’t lived until you’ve dined at the altar of one of these chicks. Just make sure you pick the sweetcorn out of your teeth afterwards,” Mr Schwarzenegger said at a recent fundraising event in Studio City.

The former governor, who has fathered fourteen children with an assortment of Mexican maids and cleaners, is currently being divorced by his wife for $230 million.

Judge Gives Himself Gagging Order

World

Dean West

June 1, 2011

The judge, who presides in the High Courts, decided two weeks ago to slap a gagging order on himself so that no one finds out about his ‘extra-curricular activites’.

“He’s very upset and he does not want anyone to know about the dungeons he frequents after court sessions,” a court source told the Sun newspaper.

Already on social networking sites like Twitter, there is a buzz about who the errant judge is.

“We need to take away this veil of secrecy with gagging orders. This judge may like to be gagged and whipped by a Madam in some Westminster dungeon, but what’s he doing putting an actual gagging order on it whilst actually being gagged? I’m outraged at the hypocrisy of it all,” Lib. Dem. MP for Whittingshaw, Bernard Jenks, told the BBC from a West London brothel.

Deadly Cucumbers Get Revenge on Humanity

Health

Dean West

May 31, 2011

Deadly Cucumbers Get Revenge on Humanity

“These are killer cucumbers. We cannot be complacent here. All it takes is a cucumber in a sandwich or a salad and you’re dead. They’ve got us on the run,” an EU food standards official told Bild newspaper in Germany.

Many have now succumbed to the killer cucumbers and are either still in hospital seriously ill or even worse — dead.

“I swear I heard one of the cucumbers I bought from the supermarket the other day sniggering as I took it out of the bag. Luckily I only ate a few slices of the sucker before I read a news story about all the people getting killed by cucumbers,” Helen Vorgens, a resident of Hamburg, Germany, where over 40 people have died from eating killer cucumbers.

EU officials are now warning citizens about tomatoes.

“Killer cucumbers are evil, but if you add a killer tomato into the mix, you get one fucked up salad,” Josef Rasslinger, the EU’s food minister told Reuters.

Neglected Celebrities Lining Up For Super-Injunctions

Entertainment

Dean West

May 29, 2011

Neglected Celebrities Lining Up For Super-Injunctions

Law firms across the UK have seen a huge increase in super-injunctionisation, according to statements from the High Court.

“Many of the UK’s D-list celebs and whatnot are clamouring for a piece of the super-injunction pie. It’s like rocket fuel for your career, the public just loves the game of ‘Guess the Super-Injunction Celebrity’ it is irresistible to many. Some people are so caught by the bug that they’re willing to go to jail to name the star on the internet,” an entertainment industry lawyer from a London firm told the Evening Standard.

Many has-been or upcoming celebrities have to spend gruelling stints in jungles eating cockroaches and lizards, or endure days in a reality household with a bunch of other narcissistic arsehole celebs to gain a modicum of increased fame or a book deal. Why not just get a super-injunction? You will be propelled into the celebresphere of British tabloid stardom and internet viral heaven.

“Getting a super-injunction now is just a license to get your name plastered on every social networking site in the world. You just can’t buy publicity like that,” PR consultant, Eddie Maliss, for the FX3 company in London told the BBC.

Burglars to be Given Counselling

World

Dean West

May 29, 2011

“If you’ve just cleaned out a poor pensioners property, who fought in the Great War, of all its valuables and beaten the living bejesus out of the defencelless OAP, of course you’re going to need counselling and an ear to listen to your stories. It’s only human nature. These poor burglars who are violating peoples homes and making huge profits by selling off the gear need community support and councilling as much as anybody. Naturally we ignore the victims, because they don’t count,” Jonathan Slimer, the government’s Criminal Rights executive told the Daily Telegraph.

Open season

Hundreds of burglars are now being let out of prison because of the Cameron government’s approach to crime and article 8 of the European Union’s Human Rights Act.

Speaking from Westminster on Thursday, conservo-socialist MP for Whittley Bay, Gordon Arsie, said: “These poor burglars are in pain, they have acquired stolen goods from a private home, then seen fit to sell the belongings. Naturally, these criminals should be compensated for their troubles.”

Cameron’s socialist policies are also being extended to rapists and other sexual deviants, who will be given an amnesty by being given a small fine and counselling for their troubles.

This new initiative spearheaded by Justice Secretary, Ken Clark, will ensure that the prisons will be safe from rapists and burglars, so that the streets of Britain can be full of them.

Serge Gainsbourg Tipped For Top IMF Job

Business

Dean West

May 29, 2011

“Forget about Christine Lagarde being the new head of the IMF. Who needs a woman to f*ck up the worlds economy even further than it already is? We’re backing Serge all the way. He has all the requirements for the job, and hotel chamber maids better beware. You’re under arrest, ’cause you’re the best,” Timothy Spalding, acting director for the IMF told a news conference on Friday.

Since Dominique Strauss-Kahn unceremoniously tended his resignation from jail, there has been intense speculation about the identity of the next IMF chief.

“We thought to ourselves. Who could even come close to Kahn? That’s when we did some digging and came up with Serge. He will be perfect for the IMF,” Mr Spalding told reporters.

Even though his appointment has not quite been announced, world markets surged higher just on the mere thought of Serge bringing his poetic charms to the world’s economy.

Daily Squib Backing Sarah Palin For President

World

Dean West

May 28, 2011

Daily Squib Backing Sarah Palin For President

The Daily Squib is proudly backing Sarah Palin to become the first female president of the United States, just like we backed Barack Obama to be the first ever black president.

“We did it for Barack, supported him all the way, and now it is time for the Squib to endorse Mrs Palin. A woman who is an inspiration to everyone, a true American patriot,” Arnold Dweittlinger, the Daily Squib’s senior American correspondent said on Friday.

Palin will announce later on today that she is set to run for the US presidency in 2012, and now that she has the Daily Squib’s full backing, she is guaranteed to win.

“She’s got this one in the bag. Obama is finished because he pissed off the wrong people i.e. the Jews. She actually made an effort to visit Israel a few months ago, unlike Barack. She will be too hard to resist for American voters. A real woman who can sew a button and shoot a gun, someone who has a solid vision for America, no wishy-washy liberal spendthrift loser, she bristles with the taste of war, economic success and tax breaks that will please everyone. We love Sarah Palin, not just for her ‘hot momma’ looks but for her skill in giving speeches,” Ronnie Jedward, another of the Squib’s reporters in Washington reported.

For the last year or so, Mrs Palin has been under intense schooling and has been taught geography, governemental studies as well as etiquette when meeting world leaders.

One of her handlers, Robert McNamara, told CNN: “She knows where Tirana is as well as Paris on a map. It’s incredible, yesterday she listed all of the provinces in Southern Italy without even taking a look at an atlas.”

Plans are already underfoot for the first invasions once she gets into office much like George W Bush’s tenure, there will possibly have to be an initial catalyst to fuel the intense patriotism.

“We need someone with some f*cking balls, and unlike Barack Obama, Sarah has got plenty. Bush was a bumbling psychotic idiot, Obama is Carter part deux, and Sarah Palin is going to put the U.S. of A back on the motherf*cking map, and this time she’ll be able to point to it on an atlas too,” Mr McNamara added before being whisked away to oversee another Palin geography training session on Capitol Hill.

Ku Klux Klan Endorses Obama AGAIN

World

Dean West

May 25, 2011

White Christian Supremacist group the Ku Klux Klan has endorsed Barack Obama to be the President of the United States of America for a second term, after famously endorsing him in 2008.

Speaking from his Kentucky office in Dawson Springs, the Imperial Wizard explained that they were gunning for the president to win a second term because of his efforts in getting Osama bin Laden and continuing the War of Terror.

This is the only time in Klan history that any member of the KKK has publicly supported an African American candidate for a second term presidency.

KKK lodges all over America have been gathering and holding rallies supporting Obama’s imminent presidential re-election in 2012.

Grand Turk Cletus Monroe has also been very vocal about the election and has donated thousands of dollars to Obama’s election fund.

“Our boy’s gonna do it, not once, but twice. My Klan group has donated up to $450,000 to the Obama fund and we’re gunning for more.”

“He’s done us proud. He brought America change. Never thought I’d be saying that about a negro, but there you go.”

Placards for Barack Obama have been put up around the Klan’s Headquarters and the KKK have announced a television ad campaign to support the African American candidate during the prolonged up-coming election campaign.

Rapture Followers Who Gave Away Life Savings Want Money Back

World

Dean West

May 24, 2011

Rapture Followers Who Gave Away Life Savings Want Money Back

“I want my money back,” Mr Bingham, 43, told a rival local Christian radio station.

Thousands of Rapture followers are now threatening to sue Jesus for not showing up when they believed he would turn up.

Some even sold all of their belongings and are still in home-made bunkers believing that the Rapture has actually occurred.

“Send more money”

“We got many families here in the Midwest who are still in their shelters and they think the Rapture has happened already. I guess, by now they must be trying to figure out why they aren’t floating around in the clouds hangin’ out with Jesus and the saints. We gots to break the news to them slowly that Jesus didn’t come back this time, but maybe he might come down next week, or even the week after that, some. They need to donate more hard cash so that Jesus can come down this time,” Earl Johnson, a pastor from Jonesville, Alabama reported.

Many Americans who were counting on the end of the world occurring on Saturday are bitterly disappointed that they were hoodwinked again by the evil pastors and confidence tricksters who have a knack in fooling the gullible, brainwashed congregations.

“They been doing the same thing for thousands of years. People need something to believe in, so these scumbags come along, invent a prophet, then fleece the congregation of idiots who follow blindly. It happens time and time again, and they still don’t learn. The devil is actually the one doing the work here, not ‘Jesus’. God does not write books, men do,” Alfie Newman, 74, a resident of Hicksville, Texas, where Jesus was supposed to land on Saturday, told CBS news.